Well, subject says it all. Just want to know if I move to plan B this week is there any hope left? Do I give up, or is there still just as much hope as in plan A? I listen to him talk and I know how smart he is, but I don't get where a 6 month affair/10 month friendship gets as much consideration as 9 years of good marriage and child - especially if he still loves me. <P>I am so lost - need help and hope.<BR><P>------------------<BR>H

dhj:<P>I'd suggest that you reread the article on Plan A/Plan B ( <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> ), order a copy of "Surviving an Affair", and start marriage counseling with either Steve Harley (888-639-1639) or someone else familiar with the Marriagebuilder's concepts.<P>The article will help you sort out plan A and plan B. I usually recommend a 3-6 month effort of Plan A, if you are up for it. The reasons for going to Plan B are mainly for the sake of your sanity---you don't want to work hard at learning new behaviors and then blow it with built-up resentment. Surviving an Affair has lots of information on what path affairs take---how the rationalization doesn't make sense, and what happens as the affairs start to see daylight. <P>I think that if you start working with Steve, you'll get lots of the help and hope that you need.

Hi<P>I went to plan B and did have some success but I don't know if it was because of plan B or not. I did plan A for 10 months and then went to a modified plan B - meaning my Husband moved out to an apartment but I did talk to him by telephone and email and saw him 3 or 4 times over the month. My Husband needed to be away from home to get his confusion dealt with. For 10 months he had told me he didn't know what he wanted and it was driving me slowly crazy. I only went to Plan B when I felt I couldn't take this any more and when I was willing to consider that he might not ever come home. When I got to that point, that was when I asked him to leave. He left for 4 weeks and then ended his affair completely and came home. It has only been 2 weeks since it ended so we are still in the transition stage but every day is another step forward. Only do Plan B when you are prepared to accept he might not choose you and might not come home again. Do not do it just so as he will miss you and come back. I did it when I had reached the end of my rope. Hope this helps and good luck.<BR>

Thanks!<P>I have read "Surviving an Affair" - I am using the book to deal with all this. The reason I asked the question is because my husband is saying after 5 weeks he is not sure he can give us a chance without "exploring his feelings" with her. He suggested that he move out. I am not sure how to react. So I sent a letter that I am not sure I should have, but I did. I am willing to continue plan A, but he is anxious to make a decision. <P>Thanks for your input! I realy appreciate it. <P>He is out with her talking about what is going on with him and his thoughts. He is supposed to be telling her the truth as he has told me. This is the first time he had been with her outside of work since I found out. I am a nervous wreck. I know he can walk in tonight and tell me it is over! I am down right scared!!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>H

Hang in there! He may decide to do just that and walk out. If he does, that is when I suggest plan B. Give him the time to explore this and find out that this is just a fantasy. From what I have read from other posts, he will be back once he learns the "grass isn't greener on the other side". Just think, he doesn't have any of the daily living problems with her, now he will have and may very well see what this all worth.<P>Fortunately, we did not ever come to that point of him leaving. He almost did and I told him I was moving back with my family. Somehow he got smart and stayed and we worked on getting to know each other again. I am afraid there is nothing you can do other than to stick to the plan you choose and give it time.<P>Most of all, don't sit around waiting to get his answer. Move on with your life and keep busy. Make new friends and keep yourself involved with other things. Time will go much faster and you will have some good memories. Don't forget to pray. God is listening and he will help you through this. Remember, he has a plan. It may not be what we want but he does what is best for us and someday you will see that if you just give him time and trust in him!!

Dear dhj, how parallel your life sounds to mine. I'm at exactly the same point. Seems I've been trying plan A for 5 months (even though I only found out about Plan A+B last week), without any success, except it has slowly been driving me crazy and I am now so tired. My H won't let go of his feeling for the OW, and although he had discussed this with her, she won't leave her H for him, he still WANTS her. He has been swinging between his feelings for her, and for me for 5 months, and won't make any really positive signs towards rebuilding - tells me he loves me and wants to get on with things, but then tells me he's not sure if he means what he says, or is only saying things he thinks I want to hear! I decided this morning to move on to Plan B for my own self presevation. I told him he needed to do something positive, not just talk about it, or move out by the end of the weekend. He works with the OW still, so cutting off all contact is difficult, and he has refused to take any steps - just expects things to float back into the right place. I'm really scared at the outcome, it may mean losing him forever, but then I figure, I don't want to live like this forever either, and unless something definate happens, this will go on indefinately and drive me insane!! Eventually I think we have to do something for ourselves, even if it means more hurt for us, because it seems no-one else is looking after us, and we are worth more than feeling second best all the time.<BR>Thinking of you.........bye

Oh, by the way, forgot to say that something that does bother me a lot is that we have 3 kids, so no contact is not an option for me - I guess it will have to be a modified plan B - I've decided not to lovebust when I see him, have contact just for the kids, and maybe he'll see what he's left behind. Otherwise, is life with him really worth the pain? Trying to tell myself it's not.

dhj;<P>Don't use a separation as a tool for punishment, or as a tool to try to control this situation.<P>If your husband is thinking about leaving, but hasn't left---I'd still do plan A (if you can handle it). If he leaves---I'd still be in plan A. Terri is one person who has been in plan A since her husband left her and moved in with the OW. She's been in Plan A for a real long time (close to 9 months??), but she's seeing some progress. <P>The plan B separation is primarily for the situation where you've been dealing with an active affair (a thoughtless spouse), and are being overcome by the pain of this. Your focus in Plan A is to avoid lovebusters, but that gets difficult to do for more than a few months. When you can't stand it anymore (or just before), you need to inititate the separation, but mainly for your good---if you go too far and decide to quit on the marriage, it's probably going to be over.<P>One other thing that Plan B delivers is a dose of much-needed reality into the affair: especially if they decide to live with each other. But if you're husband is going to chose that himself, you may not need plan B. The separation will undoubtedly hurt, but when you get used to it, you won't be hurt daily by the affair. And if you can suck it up and show some love to him while he's in contact with you---guess what??? The OW is NOT going to like that (boo hoo). And lovebusting will ensue!!!

My H has moved in and out, been out of the house for a total of 7 months this past year. I did Plan A each time(some times better than others). We've got 2 kids and, I like seeing my H. There were times we got along better separated than we did when he was living in the house. He's been home for 10 days now and busy planning a trip to Disney World for the family next month.

K, it sounds like you have been thru this for awhile. My wife moved out of the house last week and on Dr Chalmers advice I am continuing Plan A. She has been in the affair for about 8 weeks now. Since she moved out (she said she needed to sort things out), I knew it was for the affair to continue, she has jumped right into the affair (overnights and all). Now I need to be strong and support. Hope I can read the rest of your posts.

izzy:<P>Don't read ALL the posts---you'll go blind (I've got about 1500 here).<P>Although I haven't counseled with Dr. Chalmers, I did counsel with her brother, and I think that Steve was a critical factor in our success. Stick with the counseling---she'll be the best judge of how you're handling things emotionally.