Thanks so much to SamH, Samantha-MI & NSR for the recent advice to my post from yesterday. I am now inspired to do everything that I can to satisfy my W's emotional needs. However, I have one big problem. I can't get her to tell me what they are. When I ask her she says, "I just need some space". I have been giving her "space" for the past week, but it is very difficult for me. I want to start fixing things. Is it possible that "space" is actually an emotional? If so, do I just back off? <P>Also, thanks to NSR I read Plan A, Plan B. I could never find it before. This was helpful.<P>cjv

cjv,<P>No "I need more space" isn't... but do check out... Harley's web page... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<P>Two quotes from the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> ... might help you...<P>If you get something like... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"Stay out of my private life", "I'm disappointed you don't trust me", "I can't remember", "We're just friends", and "I just need some time away to think things through" (pages 40-44 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...there is a serious problem and an affair situation is on...<BR>...and<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Privacy isn't something that improves marriages, It's honesty and openness that improves marriages. (page 41 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>Get the book right away... today if at all possible!... this will be your <I>back off</I> time!</B><P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

<BR>Yes, needing space is VERY much a real need. Of course, some people HATE having space because then they're forced to confront all the dark, nasty little aspects of themselves.<BR>So most people run for cover into relationships or television or other pointless distractions all to avoid this.<P>In my case I need LOTS of space. My wife is the same way, which is whyt we got along so great until her affair. If I had to put up with overly-close proximity with ANYONE for too long I'd go bat$hit.<P>Of course needing lots of space can have some downsides, such as having distance between two people. But overall, for me, the alternative of being in a clingy situation either as glommer or glomee is far worse. Neediness is a huge turnoff to me, and I have a tendency to avoid people who are unable to sit with themselves comfortably (a trait I consider an expression of great wisdom, emotional maturity, and mental cultivation).<P>

My response to this is "all things in balance". I need space, I'm an introvert & grew up a loner, but now am more social and need both my quiet time and time with people. My H never needed "space" until he was having an affair. Then he needed and asked for a lot of "space" to "think" which turned out to be time he needed to date & spend time with the OW.<P>If your W comes back from her space ready to be a wife & partner...then she needs it for her. If she comes back and still doesn't want to spend any time with you...her "space" isn't benefitting either her or your marriage.<P>Just my opinion.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

It's one of the major food groups for me ... but I'm a conflict avoider.<BR>

I believe some "space" is needed in a relationship, otherwise you don't get any time for yourself. However, something I did notice is that my wife began asking for this more during and right after the affair. The "space" during was obvious, but the after was a bit disconcerning. It has been 2 months since D-day and she doesn't want that "space" anymore. She wants me home, talking to her, being with her, even if we're doing separate things. I believe this "space" thing, to the extreme anyway, is caused be some of the withdrawl. Once my wife got over the OM, and we got to a point were the love was blossoming again, the "space" thing was gone. So my advice is give her what she asks, but also be the partner that your W needs. Eventually, she will come around again.

When I hear the term, "I need space..." it reminds me of a person who says this so that they will have an excuse to go out and be with the OP. It's along the same cliche' lines as, "She's/he's just a friend....."