<BR>Hi All,<P>The following struck me as such true and typical roots of the "whys" of how most of us got here<BR>that I just had to share it....<P>None of us are taught anything about relationships growing up - we didn't have classes about needs or what to expect when in a long term relationship. We weren't given details of the "roles" that men and women have with each other....heck, we weren't even told that we were different except physically!!<P>The only learning tool we had were our folks...or whoever raised us. Even watching and participating in the family dynamics did not show us but a fraction of what relationships are about....mainly we guessed and assumed about "love, intimacy, man stuff, woman stuff, etc". <P>Then we had the movies....TV shows....books.....where we could get our ideas about what these things were about!! Didn't occur to us that not too many delve into what happens between "he and she" riding off together and the happily ever after part!!!<P>Like little sponges, we learned the longing glances, the passionate kisses, the heroics and dramatic sacrifices and all the deep emotions projected at us so compactly in an hour or two.<P>Peers are another source of learning eventually for us all. Trying to "fit in" while discovering who we are at the same time can be a horrendous drama that lasts for years - if it ever stops!!!<P>Look at people today in bars, clubs, gyms, singles cruises, dating services, personal ads, .....all searching. Trying to find that elusive "special someone". When they think they've found them and it changes after a while, automatically (it seems) they figure it wasn't "the one" cuz it feels different now.....the REAL "one" would keep those "feelings" active forever.......<P>They give it a little time, cuz in the movies it can take a good 1/2 hour for that "specialness" to return, although no work or understanding of why these fading feelings occur will happen because we aren't shown how to do that!!! It just "happens"......right?<P>Myth #1 -<P>The myth of COMPLETE INTIMACY -<P>Complete and total intimacy is just not possible on this planet!<BR>The reason is simple - Our spouses are ALL human beings!!!<BR>As such we all share an annoying lack of perfection. Only perfect people can love perfectly!!!<P>The reason we and our spouses sometimes fail at intimacy is because of who we are - that is, sinful fallen human beings, living in a fallen world and striving to another level towards perfection.<P>In other words, the whole point of life is to LEARN to get to the "perfection" part....not to think you can start out there!! If this is done, even on a small scale of spouses DEVELOPING an intimacy and BUILDING a closeness in which they can create the atmosphere that they each expected in their images of "love".<P>The myth of the MYSTICAL SPARK -<P>AKA "chemistry"!!!! Over the years this initial chemistry has been expanded into something that encompasses the spiritual connectedness and the sexual attraction that men and women feel toward each other. The myth is that it stays forever and if it goes away then the marriage (or relationship) is over!!!<P>You may feel chemistry with other people throughout your life; after a certain number of years it may not be with your husband or wife. The reason, of course, is that sparks tend to fade away with familiarity, after that sleeping with the same person for five, ten, fifteen years - it is very difficult to be surprised!!<P>If you want to base your marriage on chemistry, be prepared for a life filled with different romantic partners, because it will take someone new to entice you, to produce that chill - that sensational thrill!!! <P>It may last three weeks, three months or three years, but chasing the mystical spark will lead you from person to person. Not a good practice that coincides with marriage and certainly not a way to LEARN anything towards fulfilling one's life purpose....<P>The myth of the PERFECT MATCH -<P>"We were wrong for each other" is quite often the reasoning used when the inevitable "individualness" emerges when the MYSTICAL SPARK time has run it's course......We begin to wonder if we would be better off with other people....there has to be someone "just for us" where it isn't "worked at" to keep it wonderful!<P>The truth is that none of us can completely meet EVERY need of another person. We will always fail in some way, we will always fall short.<P>We live in a selfish society that urges each of us to pursue our own desires. We are taught from a very young age that having our needs met is the most important thing in the world. Our expectation for our spouse is that he or she will meet our needs, even as they change and evolve as we do.<P>All too often, we walk away when some need goes unmet. We don't tend to look at the whys or figure out how to get it met - just lean towards searching for it elsewhere....never mind that there are many that ARE being met - we concentrate on the UNMET one!!! It takes a predominant position in our psyche suddenly and the seed is planted that there must be someone else that is meant for us.....<P>Noone on this earth can meet all of your needs....NOONE!!! Whoever you walk away to...will inevitably not meet all of your needs either and eventually they too, will "fail".<P>There is no perfect match: at some point you will fail each other. It is what is done to grow past the situation that will put you on the road to a "right relationship" that must be LEARNED and BUILT to attain the <BR>happiness of life and love that you seek.<P>At this point you may be reeling, do not be discouraged that your needs will never be met!!! There is hope......<P>Our hope lies in understanding our limitations, reducing our expectations, and learning to nurture our marriages into what they can become.<P>In marriage is where you have the opportunity to build the most intimate relationship of your life. Understanding that it will never "enough" takes the pressure off of our relationship and allows us to enjoy each other and to build a friendship from which intimacy grows.<P>Nobody is saying give up intimacy, but rather to revamp your expectation of a high level of intimacy to start with and maintain throughout.....it must change with you as you grow through life.<P>You will not always be at a high level and your marriage is not in trouble if you're not!!!<BR> <BR>Marriage can be about chemistry, most begin that way on some level. But all chemistry must be recreated occasionally on the next level - again, as you grow through life. Sometimes there are periods when you go without it as you are transitioning. This doesn't mean that it will never come back....it means that when it does it is new, different and richer.<P>Just because the romance is gone, doesn't mean you are in the wrong marriage. The spark will flicker on and off your entire life no matter who you are with. The truth of it is that you make a partner choice, enjoy the romance when it's there with your spouse, but know that it is a transitory thing that will come and go - depending on life's activities and your own efforts.<P>When we get to such a crisis state like most of us are in, one or both partners have lost their "ideals" of what they perceived marriage to be. What needs to be done is to create a new image of marriage, one that is based on reality and hard won love that withstands the ups and downs of emotion and chemistry.<P>We have to move away from the "selfish" teachings and perhaps open up to the "life purpose" philosophies a bit.<P>One consideration for some may be that God's ideals for marriage aren't about romance and chemistry. They have to do with things like commitment, trust, respect, honesty, and, most of all, a deep, abiding, and thoughtful CHOICE to love!!!<P>What is your life for? Is it just to get through it as Happy as possible? Or is there more?<P>Mindless conquest or endeavor without purpose makes life meaningless. Ultimately, it is the place we operate in the lives of others that makes our lives meaningful.<P>To live meaningfully, we must open ourselves to others - both in sharing ourselves and learning about them. Coming together in closeness is the solution.<P>It is far easier to bounce to the next person then to truly examine our own endeavors towards solving the problems of not having some of our needs met or bothering to meet our spouses needs better.<P>Does this help anyone? Hope so!!<BR>I loved it!!!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Though I didn't read the entire post, I agree with those myths. Relationships, all of them, are hard work. Yet many don't understand that when you work for your employer you are working on a relationship. The hardest relationship to make work is the one between a H and a W because it is the closest possible relationship you can have.<P>Parent to child isn't as close a the H to W.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

Sheba, thanks for sharing this.<P>Something hit me tonight. Just before I saw this post, I was posting my own in EN section (inter-dependent issue). <BR>While I was writing it, suddenly I realized and accepted that MY H NEVER LOVED ME the way I really wanted him to. <P>He even told me the exact words when he told me that he loved the OW. I just took it as a "fog thing" at that time. <BR>Now I truely believe that he really never loved me. He wanted and tried to though, for some reason. I'm not even sad. OK, I'm a new person, he's a new person. Forget about the past. The question is, "Will I make a choice to love him, will he make a choice to love me, NOW?"<P>So far I've seen no trust, no commitment, no honesty, and little respect in our relationship since d-day. These are the problems and it's not going to be easy for me. I'm not 100% sure to make that choice, to love him. He's such a jerk (not sarcasm, it's the plain truth.) <P>But, you know what? I know I can find some good things in him, and he can be better. This just makes difficult to decide though.<P>It's been really educational for me. Thank you. God bless you.

Sheba,<P>Great post, and I absolutely agree. But I also know that it is something that we don't want to be true. We all want that perfect, storybook, neverending romance.<P>When we find out we don't have it (because it doesn't really exist) each person handles it differently. Some people choose to have affairs, some choose to ignore the problems, some people choose to adjust. Many of the "adjusters" end up here.<P>Thanks for the insight.<P>Peppermint

GREAT, GREAT post, Sheba!<P>And I agree 100%.<P>We in our society have absolutely no idea how to build a marriage; how to live with another person over the long haul, because from the time we start reading fairy tales to the time we start watching TV to the time we start dating, it's all about "magic", not real life. And people pay the price, in disappointment and disaster.<P>I really started zeroing in on this stuff when I started hanging around newsgroups and messageboard related to the film TITANIC a couple of years back. Since I have this silly project in which I'm writing (with another author) a sequel, full of real-life problems and decisions, this has gone on longer for me than it has for many people (though you'd be surprised at how many young girls out there are still looking for "Jack"). I've had the hardest time convincing people that a four-day fling is not "true love," that you don't know someone is your "soulmate" in four days, that sexual excitement is nothing to build a long-term relationship on. And THEY DO NOT WANT TO BELIEVE it. They call me a cynic, they say they are "romantics", and it makes me cringe, because they too are setting themselves up for a lifetime of disappointment.<P>TV shows and movies almost always end at the wedding; they never show the couple 25 years later.<P>Sometimes I see young couples bickering and sulking like longtime married couples. And I say to them, "Why are you acting like your parents? It took them 25 years to get to that point!" <P>

Great points...thanks for the reminder.<P>Bill

Sheba:<P>Thank you. Excellent thread...I have printed it up and added it to my favorites...it must be included in Notable Posts, as well.<P>Catnip =^^=

Sheba,<P>Thank-you for sharing this. I needed the reminder. It seems my WS is now the committed, level-headed one. I keep getting really scared that he may never do a good job meeting my needs.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>One consideration for some may be that God's ideals for marriage aren't about romance and chemistry. They have to do with things like commitment, trust, respect, honesty, and, most of all, a deep, abiding, and thoughtful CHOICE to love!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's hard to argue with the truth of this statement, but I have a hard time with it. I was in this mode: committed, honest, trying to love him while he was living a secret life. It's taking me a long time to get back to the fact that my integrity is not dependent on his!<P>But the other difficulty I have with this is that Harley specifically has geared their program towards building romantic love, that if needs aren't being met, we are vulnerable no matter how principled.<P>I guess it begs the question of what romantic love in marriage is (which I've seen tons of threads on). It is NOT the spark mentioned above 24 by 7. I think it was C. S. Lewis that said that the spark was to start the fire, if it continued sparking all the time, we would get burned.<P>I believe it is a sense of fulfillment from loving and being loved in the closest relationship of our lives. And even though no one person can perfectly meet those needs, marriage can truly enrich our lives.<P>Anyway, I'm still trying to build something special with my h. I must remember it takes a long time to build something great. I'm often sabotaging our progress. It's just that I don't get it. The WS was so unhappy in the relationship that he risked everything including his character for an illicit experience. Why is he now the one happy with the status quo???<BR>

Sheba...<P>Wisdom has taken you a long way... <P>Yes... it made the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post. <P>Jim

Amen, amen, and amen!<P>This one gets posted in my office!<P>SHA

Sheba<BR>Excellent. I too have printed it, for my H, who is still wondering why he is having an A, what happened here, and whey did he just look elswhere instead of trying to help us first.(Though he denies he was looking, "It just happened, I couldn't help it."<P>I want him to realize that this "love" with the OW is destined to be short-lived, while our 16 yr old marriage he has; and his home and children are worth his taking a second look at the situation. <P>I want him to see, that it is reality for everyone, for fluctuations, and without effort on his part, of course it is going to be on the down side. Nuturing is necessary through out a marriage.<P>Thanks.<P>B

Yup, Yup, Yup!

Hi Everyone -<P>Sorry that it took a while to get back here....<P>I REALLY loved these myths when I read them...It was great to see that thoughts I had were also thoughts of others and seemed to play a big role in their situations also. Reading the myths in a book put my scattered thoughts into shape!!!!<P>Professorg - You are right - we have many relationships in our lives.....<BR>The one between H and W is the one that has the potential for the most intimacy!<P>Alien - You're welcome!! I am glad that this can help you to redirect your perspective a bit. Just remember that it will take time for him to realize, understand and choose to take action for a committed marriage. There's a lot going on and will need to be worked out in his brain before he can figure it out enough to show/tell you.<P>Peppermint - Boy, we should don't want it to be true!!!! It's a lot worse than finding out there is no Santa!!!! <P>I agree with your "adjuster" comments...I also believe that anyone can be an adjuster if they choose to!!!<P>Dazed - Glad you liked it!!! I really do think that things about relationships should be taught in school.....think of how much angst and problems would be alleviated if we KNEW all this information......<P>WilliamJ - You're Welcome!!!<P>Catnip - Thanks for the nomination!! It's just great info!!!<P>Schizzo - I think that it is your turn to conquer something....H has seemed to start conquering whatever it was that led him to choose badly....this is a process and will take time. You stated your problem best in your 3rd sentence of your post - "I keep getting really scared..."<P>That's all it is Schizzo - FEAR!!!! You have fear, just like H did!!! Not the same fears, but fear nonetheless!!<P>You must conquer your fear!!! That is why you are not happy.........<P>There are no guarantees, don't hold onto fear waiting for some to be given to you. You have it there in front of you (with H's current mindset) so don't waste it with too much "thinking"!!! The easiest way to get over the fear of water is to jump in......well, jump in!!<P>Our minds can lead us anywhere....it's up to us to steer it in the right direction!!!!<P>Let go, stop thinking what ifs or how comes and just be yourself and let H be himself.....use these tools for guidance, not gospel!!!!! Integrate them to fit you and H!!!<P>WS WAS unhappy.....was - not is!!!!<P>Needed some direction, found it with your help and now has hope!!! That's a great thing!!! <P>They didn't think of all that you are!! They didn't want to, like we don't want to think that marriage isn't a fairytale!! FOG - remember? There are all different types of fog!!!<P>NSR - Thank you Sir!!!<P>SHA - Gee, I feel Honored....maybe I should correct all the typo's first, eh? LOL!!!!!!!<P>Burned Spouse - I hope it accomplishes some thought stimulation for him. I have it printed for mine too!!! We all have to learn this sometime!!!<P>BIG HUGS to all,<P>Sheba

Excellent post Sheba!<P>I agree with what you said...I was considering posting something about the reality of "soul mates" but I think you about covered where I was going with that thought <P>I think it would be a great idea to post this in the EN forum as well. It tends to be the forum where SF is discussed the most, and it wouldn't hurt people from either side of the affair, or almost affair (EA) spectrum to consider the points you made. <P>What do you think?

Very good post! I'm printing it off and taking it to work. I totaly agree with what was said. My H is searching for the perfect one. I say he already had it but that is just my opinion. <BR>The sad thing is you can't get some people convinced that life isn't just one big movie. <P>Thanks again for the post.<P>Jill

SHEBA~ How truly wonderful your are! You really hit the nail on the head, I shared this with my Chick and he agrees. Thank you, you hit a nerve with me tonight! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Dear Sheba,<P>Thanks for taking the time to reply in the middle of your ordeal. You hit the nail right on the head. It is fear that I must conquer.<P>I believe we are really on the right track for once in our lives.<P>I do not post my email as I have not set up a separate one and it would blow the anonymity. (Several people I know at least lurk here who know nothing of our situation). But you could get it from Lori if you would like to write me sometime. I would LOVE IT.<P>Take care, dear.

Hi Sheba,<P>Got to agree with the rest...great stuff here!<P>Can you tell me where you found the article? My printer has gone wacko and I don't want to write the whole thing out (cuz I am giving my dear loused up hubby a copy of this one!)<P>thanks...allison