I don't know what happened to me after Retrouvaille. <P>All I can think about is leaving my children and moving to where my mom lives. Just driving away.<P>I kept think I was getting the flu or something. After work I go to bed and stay there. We were supposed to do something as a family last night and I didn't go...H went with kids. I slept. I know it's depression, but I'm already on an anti-d.<P>H has said to me several times during our seperation that he will come home if I NEED him to. If I can't handle it. He says he's never been able to say "no" to me, and will unhappily come home if I can't hack it.<P>I think I took this information and looked at it as a last ditch effort. I don't know if I'm at a breaking point, or I'm attempting to act helpless so he'll come home. I am trying to be honest with my feelings and motivations here...but I am one confused person. I'm not even sure he'd come back if I lost my strenght and told him I couldn't handle this.<P>I want to get in my car and head north so badly. I want my kids to have a father. Is the only way to accomplish this is me leaving. I don't even feel very bad about leaving my kids right now. I think about missing my kids games/dances/lives and I feel absolutley nothing. Let him worry about it all for once.<P>This has been a very bad week with my kids. I won't go into details but each one of them has really messed up and I have had to handle the fall-out alone. What is fair about this? What is fair about my H playing golf and going drinking and attending baseball games while I am here picking up the pieces when I'm awake enough to handle picking them up?<P>For the first time I really don't feel I can hack single-motherhood...and why should I? This wasn't the deal. It wasn't the duty I signed up for. I am not the disciplinarian of the two of us, never have been. I was always the soft one, letting dad be the meanie. I know this wore him down, and I know I need to step up, but I am going to have a complete breakdown if I try to keep this up.<P>What am I doing here? H told me how much he respected the new...strong woman I am turning into, and last night he saw me in bed, hardly able to hold my head up to speak with him. He saw me helpless, damn it. Am I doing this to get him back? I am being redundant, I know...but just don't know if making him come home because I can't handle things will do anything but make him more resentful.<P>I feel sometimes when he says this about his coming home if I can't handle things...that he wants me to make his decision for him. we have been seperated 4 mos. and he says he is no closer to making any kind of decision than he was at the beginning. He is stuck. He swears he is not seeing OW...I do believe him. He never cared that much about her in the first place. It was a major-infatuation that burned itself out pretty quickly, thought the A lasted two years. He says the intensity came and went pretty quickly, and he spent a lot of the time wondering how the he!! to get out of it.<P>Whoa...I am really rambling here. It's been a very rough week for me. <P>Someone talk me out of getting in my car and leaving this mess would ya? <P>allison

Allison-<P>I'm sorry you are feeling so badly. I know that it does get tough to handle- being the strong one, holding it together for the kids. And the whole time, H is out there taking very little responsibility.<P>Is there any way you could leave the kids with him for a day or two and you get away and enjoy yourself? You deserve a break every now and then.<P>What happened last week with the kids? Anything you want to talk about?<P>Just wanted to let you that you are not alone. You have friends here that care very much.

Sorry, Allison! I'm sorry.<P>I am on your side--no, you didn't sign up for single parenthood. If took two of you to bring those little guys into the world, now why is there only one of you to deal with them? Aint fair!!!<P>My kid--five--walks all over me. He's a brat, in all honesty. I love him dearly, and right now, he and his sisters (I share custody of them with their dad) are all I have. But I am having a hard time. Thank God that he is only five and not a teenager. I don't know what I'd do.<P>I can't shop with him--he demands that I buy him things, and if I don't he throws a fit in the store. He just spilt orange soda all over his Nana's livingroom carpet--the stain will never come out--after being told 100 X a day not to take food out of the kitchen. And when I try to discipline him, he retorts "I don't have to do what you say. I AM THE MAN OF THE HOUSE NOW! DAD SAYS I AM!" (Okay, so where is dad, who so graciously bestowed this authority?)<P>I am growing tired, too. The only redemption--I AM living with my parents. Not like he listens to them, either. But it takes a little bit of pressure off me. I just put him in private school--maybe this will help, with good role models for him all around.<P>I think what a good thing to do would be to go to Parents W/) Partners or the like. Your kids are suffering, too, with all that is happening with their family. Would counseling help them?<P>Are they little or are they teens? <P>Remember they are not against you, or trying to spite you, whatever they say and no matter what kind of mischief they are getting into. They are just kids, growing up. They need you and love you. Keep remembering that.<P>They will remember all the good things that you did for them as their mom when they are growing up. Think ahead to the future, on how you and they will look back on this period of time. They will not be little kids forever--soon, they will be young adults, and it is up to you to shape them for this. Be strong for yourself, and they will look up to you. Respect yourself, and they will respect you. Discipline yourself, and you will be setting a good example for them.<P>And most of all, try to take a break and have some fun times together. These will be what they will remember the most.<P>I know you can do it!

Sorry you're feeling so down Allison.<P>I too have wanted to run away from home.<BR>When things were really bad I tucked away enough money to rent a crummy apt if I just couldn't take it anymore.<P>Sounds like you really need a break. Could you take a week or so, let your husband handle the kids, visit your mother or something? Try to find some way to give yourself a little time off.<P>Take care.<BR>

I sometimes feel the same way, in fact that's how I feel today. I just feel so overwhelmed with everything, I would love to jump on plane and head off into the sunset and never come back, but I know that running away won't help. I wish I could help you feel better but I'm in no position to - just wanted you know that I can understand your feelings.

To all of you who want to run away...PLEASE DON'T! I have left for even a short time and all he** broke loose...kids have abandonment issues...H tried to back me up only to find out I started the A while gone...Running is never an answer.<P>None of us signed up for single parenting..heck we can barely parent when there are 2 around!! I have 5 kids ages 20-12 so I know very well what I am talking about. Right now we have 4 teens, 14, 17, 18 and well 21!!! The 21 yr old is starting to come around and the 14 yr old is still pretty sweet and the 17 yr old has never been any trouble but they are all gonna hit their prime!!!<P>Depression is very hard and I have no doubt that this whole situation overwhelmed you. It is hard to be strong when the other parent is out doing whatever they feel like and you get the brunt...would it help to tell him you are not going to do some of it and expect him to pick up the pieces??? Sometimes they just go along and don't do anything unless called on the carpet...tell him you fully expect him to split the running, the games, school functions, etc 50/50...map out what you have going on for the next couple of weeks and tell him that you need to sit down and schedule his part of the fathering...this would give you a much needed break and the kids would be assured of him being there at least for some of it....<P>Hang in there...try counting your blessings when you are in depression and soon you will find you are actually believing in them and are looking forward to the day..<P>Men don't seem to like weakness...they want us strong and not wimpy and cannot handle when we break down..most of them anyway...<BR>Tell him his responsibility as a father is never gonna end and he needs to do his share to...

<B><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Be strong for yourself, and they will look up to you. Respect yourself, and they will respect you. Discipline yourself, and you will be setting a good example for them.<P>And most of all, try to take a break and have some fun times together. These will be what they will remember the most.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is so important! You have no idea how important this is! When I was going through the unmedicated time when my H was ignoring me and not showing care for me during the A(I did not know about it then) I was SO depressed. I really felt as you do. My H was out of town three weeks a month for the most part and I was the single parent at home. the kids were feeling his distancing from the family and were unbelievable.<P>I couldn't believe how bad and irratable they could be. My D cried all the time about everything in her life, and my S was seeing a Psy Dr already for agression(he was 5.) I was really having problems with the home therapy that my H really did not help in.<P>I finally had a break down in May of this year. I gave it my all, but it wasn't enough. I called my Dr and she put me on Wellbutrin. After 3 weeks, I was stabalized. My summer was great after that. I stopped losing my temper all the time, and being unreasonable to the kids, and the calming influence of my spirit, calmed them and they were great after that.<P>They sense how you are and react in the same manner because they are scared. Their life stability(you) is not stable and it scares them. That is why it gets so out of control! My kids have been calm and happy since, normal. Even when I found out about the A, in Aug, I was okay except for the sadness, which I kept to crying only in the night, or when they were in school. That scares them too. <P>Even though I was sleeping in another room from dad, with calm truth, "We are working on some issues," they relaxed, even though it was new. They are still great, and that is because I am.<P>I am working on me and my esteem with activities, help groups, exercising and I am looking for a job. i am confident, and they are too. My H just has to work on his fog at the moment, I cannot do that for him. I support and am patient, but I am working on me!<P>Get a sitter, join some activities at night that are weekly, night out with the girls or group. Take the kids to your H and tell him you need some time to concentrate on you and he MUST take care of them for a couple weeks. Do not give him a choice. Then begin on the journey to find you, not Mrs. AZ.--- Allison. I am doing this very thing, and using my h as much as I can when he is not out of town. Do it, your life is waiting.<P>Also, tell your Dr the meds are not working, and you need to try something else, a different kind. This is key also, for now. Therapy is also very helpful too. i am doing all these things.<P>I hope you find this helpful.<P>Beth<P>Do you live in AZ? I do.<p>[This message has been edited by burnedspouse (edited September 16, 2000).]

I know how you feel,I've been there myself. Others have given good insight about the kids and how they pick up on how we really feel. My counselor always described the family like a bird with the parents being the wings,one wing leaves and things are shakey at best and then when the strong wing starts to give out they feel like they are really going to fall hard.Pretty good word picture I always thought.<P>Retrouvaille probably took every bit of emotional energy you had left. You've had a lot going on with the new job and all..very stressful,you need a break. Don't know if it's possible with your new job but maybe you can get away for at least a week and let H deal with the kids all on his own. I did that too in the early days after discovery and H got a good taste of what it was like to work and handle 3 kids and all their "stuff". I laugh now, he was such a chicken, he took two days of vacation the four days I was gone!<P>Maybe I'm off base, but in your other post, you sounded a little disappointed that Retrouvaille didn't have a bigger impact on H,could that be why you're feeling such a let down this week? Talk to us, we're here to help. God's blessings to you and your family,it's rough!

Allison,<P>Please don't leave! I think kids can somewhat deal with their Dad leaving them but their Mom is a different story. Your H will always be your kids Dad if he is living with you or not. If he does not make the effort to spend time with the kids then that will forever be his cross to bare.<P>I have three teenagers and I know what it feels like to have to be the bad guy. I'm pretty lucky I have good kids but we have had our differences. I know once you get into a depression mode its hard to get out but you need to try. Your situation will not just go away, and staying in bed will not help anyone. You will have to make the best of this mess and move on. <P>I know how much this hurts. I live it every moment. If I could change things I would. If I could force my H to want to be here I would but I can't and life is to short to spend it dwelling on things I can't control.<BR>I try waking up every morning thinking that its a new day and how am I going to deal with it. I try to smile as much as possible. I try to get as much enjoyment as I can from the little things and it does help the pain.<P>You say you are on antidepressants. How long have you been on them? Have you spoke to your Dr about how you are feeling? The med you are taking may not be not the right med for you. There are many different types of anti depressants out there so if you feel this isn't working please see your Dr. <P>Your kids need you. Like it or not you are their main support system right now. Let them see what a strong Mom they have. Show them that when you get knocked down you can get back up again! You don't want your H to come back just because you arn't handeling things well. You are much stronger than that! Don't let him take anymore of your pride and self esteem away anymore than he already has. <P>Please don't take this post wrong. I feel so bad for you! I know it helps me if somebody kind of tells me to quit feeling sorry formyself and that pity party is over <BR>In fact my bestfriend told me that just the other day. <P>Love<P>Jill<BR>

Allison - please call your doctor and see if you can either up your dosage of anti-d's or get a supplement. You are truly sounding like you are headed into a pretty nasty little depression and I completely understand why it is happening... a temporary increase or supplement of anti-depressant meds should help you regain your emotional strength enough to be there for your kids as well as feeling better for YOU!<P>I wish I could give you a HUGE hug - I know that always makes me feel better, and it is something that I don't get much of since my husband left. It's not just the kids that need someone to kiss it and make it better... we adults need that, too.<P><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hey Allison,<P>{{{{{{hugs}}}}}--I know how lame that is for some people but it's the best I can do--just know that I'm a great hug person . <P>And may I remind you that you are never alone--we don't need to see eachother's faces to care very deeply for one another. Feel free to "ramble" anytime, Hon.<P>That being said may I now make the unpopular suggestion that maybe there is nothing wrong with wanting to take a few days for yourself in peace, tranquility and solitude... <P>Being quietly supported by your mom...<P>Or by a very loving and trustworthy friend to collect your thoughts...<P>But I would suggest you do this only AFTER you have seen a doctor (you really do sound like you might possibly need a dosage or drug adjustment--I should know!)...<P>And only AFTER you have spoken with a counselor or your minister for some focusing thoughts. Print out your top thread for discussion. Especially about your kids.<P>I honestly don't believe a few days with their dad is going to make your kids feel abandoned...<P>It may be actually good for both your H and them for a little while... <P>But don't even have that thought in your mind that time away from them should become permanent. <P>Make no decisions now. Your head is not in a good place for that at the moment...<P>This downward spiral (and the apathy towards being in your kids lives) is NOT permanent. <P>Remember--no life changing decisions right now. There really is no need to. <P>Love and prayers--<P>and deliverance of your problems into God's hands--<P>Leilana <P><p>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited September 17, 2000).]

Yes, tell him to come "unhappily home" and that you do need him. Then gear up the plan A stuff!

Allison,<P>I think it is a good idea to let your H take care of them for a few days.<P>But how on earth do you make them take care of them? My H won't see the kids more often when they beg him to; I know full well that if I were to tell him I needed him to take care of them for a few days he would just say no, and there is nothing I could do about it. He even refuses to take care of them while I drive our daughter to college.

Thank you all so much. I feel like I can go on I think.<P>Yes, my kids are all teens and it's been a trying week. While I was gone last weekend one stayed out all night. The freinds I had watching them were totally frantic. Another tried (duh!) to pierce her own navel...getting an earring stuck in there for a day before she told me. We almost had to go to the ER, but I managed to get it out. She had it in there pretty far! The youngest called the lunch lady a *itch, resulting in a suspension and a meeting between me and the vice principle. I had to get to work early, and take no breaks to get there on time.<P>So, how was your week?<P>I know, nothing earth-shattering there. I was worn down after Retrouvialle, and yes, I was dissaponted. You all know what it's like to just want to sleep...it all goes away when you sleep. I am not doing a good job as a mother, because when I sleep I have no idea where my kids are...they are running the neighborhood. I thought I was better than this.<P>I will call my Dr. on Monday. I have a long history of panic attacks, and am terrified that those are starting again after having them under control for a long time with the anti-d.<P>I know you guys have been where I am. At least some of you, and I know it's painful for you to see someone here backslide. Kind of means it could happen to any of us. I took every one of those cyber-hugs to heart guys. I needed them all...they feel as real to me as arms around me. <P>I have gotten some rest (a lot) and, though the thought of leaving is still in my mind, I know I can't right now. It's kind of like my escape plan. I know if it ever becomes too much it's an option. I do like my new job, and don't want to loose it. It will dissapont H to no end if I loose this job. I am trying my best to be strong.<P>Is it best if we don't think of the word FAIR? It makes my chest hurt to even type it. My MIL has always said that life is not fair. I guess she's right. <P>Sue said that I should tell H that I need him and to come home. Does anyone else agree with that? I am feeling close to doing this, though I just don't know. You're right guys, it's not time to make any decsisions now.<P>Burned...yes I live just outside of Phx...you? I'd love to meet a fellow MB'er.<P>Thanks guys...I'm still trying, and feeling much stronger thanks to all of you.

My feeling is to use ANY opportunity to seriously Plan A. If he really will come home and if you can deal with the fact that he will be in the "Withdrawal" phase of marriage (one of the three phases a marriage can go through: Intimacy, Conflict, Withdrawal - to distinguish from the condition of "withdrawal" from an OP). He is likely to not be particularly openly supportive and not likely to be particularly communicative. If YOU can handle that and continue to Plan A, I say GO FOR IT! At the very least, the kids will have their father there with them. At best, the two of you can rediscover what brought you together to begin with.<P>If I had the opportunity to get my husband to move back in with me (as long as slug had been duly salted), I would take it - regardless of the reason ... coming back might be for ANY reason - it is the reason they STAY that is the important thing.<P>But still, see the doctor and get your emotional health back on track. And definitely take some time to yourself if you feel you need to ... a few days, even a week if you need it. Let dad see what it is like to be a single parent for a bit...<P>As far as Retrouvaille, I do understand what you are going through to some extent. Mine never would do anything that might have actually worked to get us back together, but I know how it is to have your hopes pinned on the miracle you need ... and then find that miracle failed you. It does tend to plunge you down deeper into the abyss than you ever were before. It's ok - it's normal.<P>More hugs your way, Allison...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hey fellow Zonie! I bet you, me, and Burnedspouse could sit down and have one heck of a talk! <P>Anyway, I hope things are going well for you. There is a really terrific program for stressed-out parents that you should try. When I lived in N. Phx, our D was out of control. Screaming, never did what she was told, grades dropping, lying, etc. The Deer Valley school district offered this program called "Active Parenting." Its like a 6 or 8 week course, one night a week at the school. It worked like a charm, and I've continued to use the principles in dealing with our D, even though she doesn't live here anymore. It's been a few years, and I don't know where you'd find info, but try your school. Good luck!

Hi Az,<P>Why did your h move out, was it originally to be with OW?<P>Mine never left. We went through all the phases of withdrawal and grief together.<P>Maybe, just maybe he really wants to come home and is just waiting for you to need him? If you believe OW is gone, what still needs to happen first for you?<P>Sorry to hit you with all the questions. It just seems your h is the logical one to help with the kids, and I'm missing the other pieces of the story.<P>I guess parenting doesn't get easier. Mine are 3 and 5. While I still can't let them out of my sight since they might run in front of a car or worse, I hear teenagers are even more work.<P>I too thought of running away, but don't. If you do take a short break, it has to be clear to all that is what you are doing. God forbid, you later faced abandonment custody issues. I've thought about all this.<P>

Cjack: I want to sit down and talk too, don't leave me out!<P>AZ Allison: If this makes you feel any better, I will add:<P>My mother, 80, prior to my D-Day had been admitted to a long term care facility, and still to this day does not know what I have been through, and I don't know if she would even understand if I did tell her.<P>Anyway, she's 82 now and you can't imagine how many times I have wanted to go to her and just lay in her arms and weep. I have needed her comfort so many, many times.<P>While all this crap has been the main focus in my life, I too, have become very edgey with my children, I think because they demand my attention and that doesn't allow me the time I need to wallow in this mire. I hope you follow me here, explaining these things to people can really sound bizarre.<P>So, don't feel alone, we have all acted totally out of character and very odd at times. I think it is fairly normal behaviour, given what we go through on a day to day basis. You will be ok, I promise!<P>Sincerely, Cathy

Boy Allison I know how you feel. Read my lasest post S was very sick over weekend and H had his own thing to do. when we had the kids and siad out marriage vows. We must have been the only one listening. Its an over whelming feeling to know that my son is 1 and i will be a single mom for a long time. I really believe that if H and I do not get back together and I find someone else H will be out of the picture. This weekend I said something about if you really feel that way maybe you should give up your parental right and he said maybe he should.

Dear Allison:<P>I just wanted to say that I HEAR YOU! I hear your pain and frustration. <P>And, more than anything else, I wish I could come over and bake you a big lasagna dinner, complete with a triple-decker chocolate cake for dessert.<P>Lay and bed and rest if you must...and don't feel guilty for doing so...you deserve some peace and quiet...<P>WE DO UNDERSTAND! <P>Peace and Hugs, ~Marie<p>[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited September 18, 2000).]