I am trying so hard to understand and apply logic to a very illogical situation. My H has chosen the OW. We are separated, about to go the legal route. This is after two separations, returning home twice to work on the marriage, professing his love for me after having questioned it... It has been 5+ months since dday and 11 months since the A began. Each time he has returned home, he has seemed sincere and made the effort. This lasts for two weeks, then they have contact. My guess is that he starts going into withdrawal and gives up or caves into her attentions. He doesn't like to feel pain (what about the pain HE HAS CAUSED?).He knows he's been having his cake and eating it too. He knows how wrong this A is and what trash the OW is - none of this matters right now. How can he flip flop back and forth between us? I really think he's made up his mind this time to stay with her and desert the marriage. That is what is so painful to me. How can he give it up if he loves me? How can he change his mind every two weeks? Does he think about me when he's with OW? When will he start to see her flaws? When will the infatuation stage end between them? I wish I had some guarantee that their relationship will fail. What are the chances of H coming to his senses? OW is most persistent and used to having her way (obviously at the expense of others). They also make their own reality - take no responsibility, worry about their happiness over our children, think everything will eventually work out b/c they "love" each other? Also, OW seems to like married men. What are the chances she will do this to H? And that H will do it again with her?

trapped mom:<P>((((((((((trapped mom)))))))))<P><BR>Let me tell you of my experience: My h also choose the OW, until it came down to the time to leave home. OK I feel very lucky that never happened, but with two discoveries I understand fence sitting. <P>In my case my husband tried at first to recommit to our marriage, but within two months he contacted the OW and the pain went away. He was ok at first for them being just friends, but of course any contact is bad, very bad!!! It took about 3 months of emailing before it became physical again, and then only I caught them together at our home. <P>I knew for me at that time I was done and my husband knew I was serious I left for awhile. But, however only the WS can truly make a commit for the marriage if they are ready to. You can’t control anyone but yourself!!!!!! <P>Also only you can decide how much you will put up with. I hate the pain you are in right now.<P>As far as what will happen with the ow, no one knows, but there have been several who the WS moves in with the OP and then reality sets in. Please don’t be clingy, because the tighter you hold the more the WS will want to be out. <P>Now I have been dealing with this for about 7 months of knowing about the affair, but the affair started about this time last year. We are doing really good this time because my husband is very committed to us. But time is the big thing here. Plus my husband saw the flaws in the OW and that has really helped.<P>Hang in there,<BR>Judy<BR>

Thanks Judy:<P>ANY success story is better than none. I am probably doing plan b right now. I do have to meet him at attorney's office tomorrow and at closing of house on Friday. Haven't seen him since Sept. 10. I did alot of LB this past time when we split up - that just gave him some guilt-free anger directed toward me. Think they will be moving in together shortly. That just kills me. This whole thing has been slowly killing me. How long before your H saw the "real" OW?

trapped mom:<P>Actually he saw the "real" person while the affair was going on. I guess I was doing a great plan "A" then and she was demanding, pushy and co-dependent person. My husband loves that I am very strong person, not weak.<P>The affair was going to end soon, even if I didn't discover them and I can believe that. There are several things still happening that makes my husband see how she is different then what she portrayed she self as.<P>I know how hard it has to be on you, and remember to bite your tongue, really hard to do. But your husband it in very deep and the fog will clear on day. Just understand that every day living will interrupt their fantasy. How long will it take, no one will know. But it will happen. Look your best Friday and be so very sweet as you can be, but it must be true and not fake. <P>Your husband is in a fog. Remember that part of Plan “A” is to be good to yourself as well. I like me so much better now. My husband flirts with me and I am loving it. I feel we have along ways to go before we are a success story, because we need to feel the in love feelings again. But time that will take.<P>Let me know if you have any more questions. I will help all I can, I have had a lot of help and want to return the great favor I have received. The people are great here have you noticed.<P>Judy<BR>

Judy:<P>So do you think I should plan b and then plan a when I see him? I really think it's in my best interest to not see him now - it hurts too much, my expectations my raise... Do you really think they will come out of the fog? EVERYONE can see OW for the conniving and manipulative person she is EXCEPT H - he thinks he's special... Thanks again. I agree about the people on her. I'm quickly becoming addicted to the forums.<P>TM

trapped mom:<P>You stated that you are doing plan b now. When I planned B my husband, it drove him nuts and it was for one day. He had someone call me, because he know that the OW called me that day.<P>Plan B is very hard to do, and you know that no contact with husband is part of it. Unless there is a good reason to have contact: IE - for kids or emergency, not because you miss him and just want to talk.<P>Plan B lets the OP to try and meet all the needs of the WS. They can't or aren't able to do that because the WS needs aren't known to them as they are the spouse. <P>By all means whenever you see or talk to Plan A your husband. Plan B is also to retain the love you have left for your husband. And from what you have said it hurts everytime you see or talk to him. <P>During Plan B you will need to live your life without your husband. I know that was the hardest part of plan b for me. But I found me again, and I bet your husband will see you again as the person he met and fell in love with. <P>My husband is out of town right now for 1 week, but we have daily contact and the love feeling is there even while he is gone from both sides. He tells me he loves me first. That never happened before. But like I said we have a ways to go. My needs aren't being meet completely because he needs to have the feelings we lost. In fact I didn't have the in love feelings because I did plan a way to long. During that time deposit were made for him, but taken away for me. It really hurt him when I told him infront of the OW I was no longer in love with him and I just wanted out. At that point I was really done with our marriage. My husband is trying to regain my love again. <P>It sounds to me you are very strong and getting stronger everyday, and that is awesome. Keep posting and I will watch for your postings. I understand how you are feeling, and I see a lot of great things. Not all is lost. <P>Even if they move in together that doesn't mean it's over just a different route will need to be taken. Don't let him have his cake and eat it too. You deserve better and will have better. She won't be able to meet his needs and reality will set in, it always does that is when the fog lifts.<P>There are somethings going on now with our lifes and we are compromising through it. I have never been so open and honest (a need I didn't give my husband) that I talked about the situtation and he is willing to work together as husband and wife and I will not continue to give up my feelings and let him have it his way. I knew it was a surprise that I even mention how I felt and he was great about. I asked him if it bothered him he said no and he switched the subject to a gift he bought me. He won't tell me what it is or even give me a hint, but that's ok I can wait, but it will be hard. I will ask him again to give me a hint and knowing my husband he will change the subject. <P>Just letting you know that is takes true work on a marriage and give and take on both sides.<P>Judy