Some of you may be here through a misconception. I do not want to break my WS' no contact with the OW, i want to break through his no contact with me!!<P>I paln A , but he does not want to talk, or touch, or be touched and he never responds to me when I tell him I love him. Otherwise we are as we have always been. We joke and practice music together, have dinner together, etc, but I am really confused.<P>I am starting to have my own kind of amnesia. I know there was a thread about the WS having it, but I find I do too. During much of the day that we spend together, i feel normal, like nothing has happened. But as soon as i say I love you as is my custom, I get silence. When I reach out to him in the night for a cuddle, if he is awake he turns away, but if he is asleep, he groans happily as he used to. <P>He says(last time he said anything) that he doesn't love me, he loves her. Yet unconciously he displays--what?---- love or habit of words and actions that no longer mean anything? i so want him to touch me, even make advances to me, even though I fear STD's. He is still at home, and I think he really wants to be here, even though he doesn't know why.(except for the kids.)<P>My big question is, after rereading HNHN, should I romance him physically? I realize that we may not have worked on the compatability part of sex in a marriage as the book stipulates. I am anxious to try it, but we are not physical in any way. Have not been since the A started(16 mos.)<P>Do you think I can coax him into having an A with <B>ME</B> against her(OW)? What about my fears about STD's? I have not even asked him yet if he wore protection--it is a hard one.<P>It is just, I feel that I am losing him to that fence he is sitting on, and I need to shake him up. Maybe I can use his own need for sex against him. He has not had any since he saw her last, in mid-July.<P>Is this just crazy? I am really getting...amorous; with all this plan A-ing. I need advice. So many WS(H) play both sides of the fence, but mine cannot. Emotionally he can handle only one love at a time, only faithful to one. I want it to be me again! <P>Please, I need to hear from anyone and as many as can respone in this. My H is going away on a trip, and i want to prepare a plan for his return--possibly.

Dear Burned,<BR> It is good to see you posting again. I have been away from the board awhile, trying to sort out all of this stuff. I want so much to be able to offer advice, but I'm still too new here to feel that I have much advice to give. <BR> But at the risk of giving bad counsel, I'll tell you my opinion. I think that if you're feeling like you would like to advance things physically, you should go ahead and try it. Sounds like a great thing to add to your plan A-ing. I like your theory of coaxing him into an A with you against her. I don't know if things work that way in the mind of a WS, but I'd say that if you really feel like it, it might just work.I may get flamed for my opinion on this, but what the heck, it is just what comes to mind.<BR> I know how frustrating all this can be. I am so disheartened and even offended when I have to listen to and watch my W pining over the OM like some lovesick schoolgirl. I feel however that we have made great strides since we really started working on all of this. Fortunately for me she seems to be making an honest effort to work on getting through withdrawl and I know how important it is to thank her for her honesty when she tells me about making contact with the OM or even that she has just seen him on the street, (I really hate having to bite my tongue), but it's better than freaking out and causing continued dishonesty.<BR> I just realized that I'm rambling and that this post is about you, not me. <BR> Anyway, I hope for the best in your situation, and try to keep up the patience time and consistency. Best of luck and may God bless you for your efforts.

I have been posting, you have missed them, or I was just responding, and venting there!! <P>I really want to know about the STD's. Should I perhaps get a box of con****? Without his testing, I am really scared of it. And if I am going to take him unawares, he won't have time for those tests will he? <P>I am really getting interested in this idea. But I also know the reality is that he could say, "No way, I'm in love with someone else." That would really hurt, too. I already know it, I just don't like to hear it. <P>I also want to change his mind!<P>Shall I be adventurous? I cannot imagine the last time I tried to seduce someone when they didn't want to. If ever! I am not sure how to go about it. Perhaps a rated-X? Disgusting!

Just be careful. It sounds like your making headway with the two of you being able to share some fun moments and with the OW being away. You could very well be meeting his other needs (ie. communication, recreational) and that might be more important then meeting his sexual needs. I don't know much about you but I do know that if he really is a "one at a time guy" and does think he's really in love with this other woman your sexual advances could be what actually pushes him from the home. When my husband actually did leave his ex wife it was one of these moments that pushed him towards it. He had been sleeping on the couch, felt he loved somebody else and she suggested a weekend alone (a sexual weekend). He said he laid there in fear of having to be intimate with her when he loved somebody else and he wasn't even at the point where he could sleep in the same room with her. Now, a weekend get away I think is a good idea or sexual advances when the ws has committed themselves to working on the marriage.

Dear B,<P>If you go ahead with the seduction ritual, you may have to be prepared in two ways: 1. protection from STDs, and 2. possible rejection.<P>1. get a gynae to recommend. I hae heard of female condoms as well. You may want to try that as well as get a box of male condoms.<P>2. I feel that subtlety is beat practised here because you mentioned that he is in love with OP, and he is a one-woman-man.<P>You can get him in the mood through a process that may take a week or so. You can keep dressing nicely and sexily in clothes that are falttering to you. You can get a new hair colour and pedi and manicures. Get nice smelling baths and fragrance. Put scents on your bed covers. Turn on nice music to make being at home soothing and enjoyable. Cook lots of mushrooms, pumpkins, and oysters. Have a light drink at the end or with dinner. <P>Take out the old wedding albums. Rearrange memorable photos in front of him, reframe or frame them. Get him to open his mind and allow a space for you to plant a seed of love for you in his mind and his heart. Let that seed take root and sprout a small shoot with your subtle and sincere attention to it. Stay away from aggressive fertilisation at this sapling stage or it will choke and wither.<P>You can enrol in ballroom dancing to add grace to your walk and poise and radiance to your face. You can continue your interesting hobbies that bear testimony that you are a lovely, vivacious (or noble or whatever you really are) woman who is a gem, and one who is of value. You need to keep at what you started, so it has to be really you.<P>You can go to the movies and watch the more romantic and explicit (??) shows but be sure of the storyline first. <P>You can touch his non private areas, like his shoulder or hand, and see his reactions. If he is acceptable, try offering a soothing (no pounding hard) back massage with some fragrant oils (lavender or musk). Do not think sexual yet, my dear B. Just let him get used to your deft touches for several times or as long as you can last before he grabs you....then, don't talk, just be....

Thanks for the answers. I have printed and will keep for the future. Right now he is almost more in love with her than before, he wants to switch us magically. I cannot take much more of this. <P>I want him to be honest, yet when he is, I really hurt so much that I cry for 24 hrs. And he gets so frustrated if I bring her up, and how she is taking this?, or just conversation about US. He just does not want to answer anything having to do with feelings, like they are a secret still. I told him I was jealous because he talks freely to her daily, and I have to squeeze it out of him. <P>One sentence about wanting to switch us, and I am defeated. I feel it anyway. He is losing the rest of his compassion for me too. It is so clear. He is moving further away from me and he seems okay with it. I am not. Is he ever really going to give us a shot? Somehow I doubt it.<P>She loves kids, wants to marry him, she will wait until he is sure, and that is all he needs to know, obviously. I am still not in the equation. I feel really rejected today. <P>I wish the inner strength of faith was a constant thing. With doubt it flees. With heart wrenching pain, it hides. What a fickle thing it is. I even feel it abandoning me today.<P>Well, I will feel better tomorrow, I always do. <P>