I haven't posted in a long time, and have been visiting the boards regularly. It has been 3 months since D-Day and I feel that I have gotten nowhere. Yes, I have been talking alot, and in therapy, and trying to go on since life doesnt stop for things like this.<BR>I feel very depressed today, and everytime I think about all that has happened, I can't seem to get past the question o f why he would do this to me? How could he? what was he thinking? How do I forgive him? <BR>I'm scared to even type this because i really do love my H, and don't want to lose him. But here goes. Is it only him that can fill this void? Did he do something so terrible that I can't get over it? The thought of leaving him saddens me, but is it ultimately where we are headed because of my inability to forgive? I know I am the only one who can answer this, but the thought of losing him makes me shake with fear. The thought of him being with another, even after he has already done that, makes me jealous. I want to share my life with HIM. Always wanted to. How could he do this to us?!?!?<BR>I feel like with all of the talking I do, and I have been talking, believe me. I speak to my sisters, in therapy, my H, some friends, and we recently told his family.(There is an OC involved.) My feelings of betrayal, anger, hurt, and mistrust are no better if not worse.<BR>I feel that the passion for my H is gone. And I do so want to get it back, and so does he. It's strange. I want to talk to him, but when I have the chance I just sit there. I want to feel his touch, yet back away when he kisses me. I want him home when he travels(which is often), yet away when he is here. I'm just so confused.<BR>He says I am his soulmate, and that is why he wants to work all this out. I do love him, I don't want to lose him, but I'm so scared of letting go of all of the feelings and possibly becoming vulnerable again. <BR>Yes, there are some days that I feel positive, but they are few. I'm due to have my baby in 5 weeks, and am having difficulty in dealing with that. I found out via the mail regarding her requesting child support.<BR>I feel as if I have too much to think about.The OC, my baby, her, the affair, forgiveness. He took the worst thing he could do to me, having an affair, and brought it to the worst possible stage. He had the affair, fathered a child, let me find out by court papers, lied to me during the affair and then didn't tell me, again lying to me for 8 more months. The only thing that could make it worse is if he continued seeing her, which, if he decides to have a relationship with this OC, will make that a reality too. THIS WILL NEVER GO AWAY!!!!! We will pay child support for the rest of his life!<BR>I know that I have posted about all this before, but I'm getting nowhere fast. I can't see myself without him, yet can't let him in. He says that I walk around like a zombie around the house and when we are with others. Like I'm in a fog. I can't see thru it all. And he doesn't know how to help me. How can he when I can't figure it out. I have told him a few things he could do to make me feel better, but I'm not sure they will heal me. They possibly could. Isn't it worth it to have him try?<BR>I'm babbling now, thanks for letting me vent as I'm really unsure as to if I'm asking for anything here. I just needed to get this off my chest.<P>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited September 19, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited September 19, 2000).]

I have been there. zombie zone. hopeless days. sleepless nights. want him/doesn't want him. stay/leave. everything's a mess.<P>If you pay close attention to some of the codenames we give ourselves, you go bingo! that is how I feel often/sometimes as well: weep, inamess, whattodo, burnedspouse, cloudy, broken wings, ohmy_m., lostsoulmate, discarded, etc..<P>This dazed state will last several months. I thought I would have to live with the pain in my stomach and the knife in my heart, the sting in my eyes, the numbness in my head, etc.. for the rest of my life. The distrust and disrespect maybe, but the emotional trauma can be healed. It will take time and effort by therapists and healing ministries. I was healed last weekend of the emotional tormentors that had imprisoned my normal ahppy loving self. Now, I am normal and joyful, but I still have to make the decision as to what I want to do with the marriage.<P>Everthing is so new for you and you are in a very hormonally charged condition now. I feel so for you. Please give yourself the rest you need, even if you are just postponing the ordeal to a later date; let your husband know by writing him your true feelings. Please think about baby.

NGU_<P>I know the hopeless feeling all this brings. I am not quite where you are, there is no other child(not that I know of) and my H doesn't want to work things out.<P>I found out last nite that he wants to trade me in for the new model. He didn't talk D, but when i said it sounded like he wanted me and the OW to trade places magically, he said, "Her with you yes, but you in her place, no it wouldn't be fair to you." Like he really cares. I have never felt so abandoned. I think he has really made up his mind, he wants her. He just does not have the guts to admit it.<P>In the mean time he sleeps in our bed(cringing at my touch) and going to therapy and making this great show to everyone that he is trying. But he is not. He talks to her daily and cajoles her and supports her pain at his indecision, but just sighs with impatience at mine. Yah, I am such a pain in the a**, just make me dissappear! Then he won't have to be the bad guy.<P>I don't think he is going to give me a real chance at repairing the marriage. He is just too da** selfish to do anything himself, either. He just leaves the difficulty behind, and moves on to the new. <P>What he does not realize is that he will never have a normal relationship because he won't give the time to find out what is lacking in his life. She fills it for him now with all the passion and stolen moments, but it won't last. He will have destroyed our family for nothing.<P>It is so unfair for him to keep her in the wings and play at our therapy JUST IN CASE he makes a mistake. I have never seen anyone so selfish in all my days. I almost hate him today. This is the closest I have come to it and it is tearing me up inside. He just has no feelings of remorse anymore for what he has done, or is doing. He did when I first found out, how could it change? and does he really not care? I think he has made his decision to dump me, he just does not want to leave. He cares nothing for me, and it apprears less and less every day.<P>Everything is backfiring--where is the Plan-A fairy! My heart is breaking again.

Burned spouse: I'm sorry to hear that your H doesn't want to attempt to work things out. That must be very hard.My H is trying, I'm the one who can't let him in. I guess that as long as you know that you have tried... although I know that doesn't take the pain away.<P> It's ironic because I was thinking about something today at the school I help out with. That is the only thing my H did not do to me. He did choose me over her,and although I should see that as a positive, it's so hard to see thru the other stuff.<P>I realize now that he has hurt me in all ways possible with this. Not only did he have the affair in the first place, he fathered another child, lied to me for 4 mths while he was with her, lied for 8 more by not telling me, and let me find out thru the mail via court papers sueing him for paternity and child support. And although HE ended the affair, since there is his OC involved, this woman and her baby will never go away. They will be ever present in my life, a monthly reminder of how he gave up on me, our marriage. (Yes we may have had problems, but this should never have happened). And there in lies the ever present Question,"HOW COULD HE?"

Yes I know where you are. I felt that way at first. But quickly came to the realization that if I persevered that I could bring him back. He really has never left, even though this has been going on for 16 mos.<P>I am sad that he can't see past the end of his nose. At least yours ended it. There was the complication of the OC, but that is not his fault, only 1/2. But I bet he did not set out to create this child, and that is the reality of it. He has returned to you, for what ever reason he strayed in the first place. At least he came to his senses and returned to you. <P>I know you have been hurt, so have all of us BS's. Try to find the causes of the A and work on tht together. That may help you forgive. Read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley--It is necessary to understand the nature of how A's start. It helps placate some of the blame. If you have read it, read it again. Try the other books too.<P>I wish I was in your shoes, but we all have our own painful circumstances to bear. I hope you find some peace.