I caught him, finally, with evidence yesterday. I found deposit slips to a bank account. He's helping her buy a piece of property. He finally admitted he had an affair, a one night thing, last June when he went to Jakarta for business. I was gone for the month at the time, visiting family with the kids.<BR>I spent the night crying. Today I've been trying to keep the brave face. Last night he said he wanted me to stay, that he was now ready to work on things, now that this was in the open. Images keep flashing in my mind, how he must have looked at her, talked to her, touched her. Did he touch her like he touched me? Why couldn't we fix our marriage before this happened!!! I tried so hard, but he wouldn't do it! I was in therapy for years, but he wouldn't go! I made major changes before this happened, and he still went to another woman!<BR>When will I stop feeling so bad? I was molested aas a child, this is much worse. I feel like I'm being punished, but I don't know why. When will I stop crying?

Hi, JP and welcome. I am so sorry that you have to be here, but so glad that you found us.<P>You're right, this is hard. But you can make it. Read Jim's welcome and start working.<P>First thing on the agenda. Calm down - or try to. It will get easier and there are things you can do. Take deeps breaths. Take CARE OF YOURSELF. You have to be strong, so taking care of yourself is so so important.<P>Read. Everything on this site. All the books that Jim lists if you can. Our posts. Check out the "read-only" forum. It will help you understand what's going on so that things won't take you by such surprise and give you clues as to what to do.<P>And post. You have friends here who will help. We'll offer advice, give you a shoulder to cry on. So post as often as you need to. We're still getting used to this new forum set-up, so don't get discouraged if a lot of replies don't come right away. We're here for you , so just keep posting.<P>Get ready for this long hard ride. It takes all you've got. But it gets easier...and gets better.<P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

JP:<P>Welcome to the MB forums. I'm so terribly sorry that you have to be here, but believe me, you're in the right place!<P>Lostva has some excellent advice for you, so I won't belabor the point. I would just let you know that since you just found out yesterday, it's important for you to remember that it will take time to heal from this.<P>Believe me, I <I> know </I> the last thing you want to hear is to "give it time." However, time is the only thing that will heal you. Let yourself feel the full gamut of emotions. Cry, scream, throw things, whatever you need to do to let it out.<P>But most importantly, remember to <B> come back here </B> and READ, READ, READ. Dr. Harley has excellent advice and a very simple way of understanding why affairs happen.<P>Please, feel free to post ANY thoughts or questions. Everyone here has either been where you are or has put their spouse where you are. We have former-betrayers AND betrayeds here, and they can ALL be very helpful.<P>Just remember one thing . . . you CAN and WILL get through this. We're here to help you.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

jungle_princess,<P>Welcome...<P>You've come to the best place...<P>Click on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders</A> for many quick "links" to the most useful sites at Marriage Builders(MB),<P>Post here often...<P>When you feel your ready for Plan A...<BR>go to the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A> OR <BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forums.<P>Best wishes...<P>Jim

JP,<BR>You are not being punished. You could be going through a test that is initiated by Satan but allowed by God. I can relate to being tested. My W was sexaully abused also. Her pain has manifested itself through her need to be in control. I can only assume that this control thing is part of the reason she has had 8 affairs in the last 7 years nearly.<P>Welcome to the forum. We are all here to help you through this mess. Yes, it hurts more than any other thing we will ever have to endure because there is no closer relationship than the relationship between a H and W. That is the way God defined it. Come here and let us help you through the pain. I pray that your H is genuine in is profession to work on the relationship. If he is then it won't be as bad as some here.<P>MONDO HUG!!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><P>

Thanks for all the great support! I know that God is with me through all of you, and He is already answering my prayer for healing and peace. My H and I were able to hold each other in bed early this morning, and I'm really trying hard to resist the urge to be hateful and vindictive. I know deep in my heart that what will really make me happy is a healthy marrige, not revenge and inflicting more pain on him. He's feeling pretty low right now as well, but is finally at a place of brokeness where he's asked God and me for forgiveness, and God and I have freely given it (though I'm sure God means it more than I do at this point). He's ready to work on this with me, he seems to be pretty sincere.<P>I may sound like I'm too quick to forgive and forget. I am wondering the same thing. I read on this site where this point may take around 3 weeks to get to. I've always been a PTOA (Psycho-Therapeutic Over-Achiever), and I am always diligently following steps to emotional/mental/spiritual health. But after dealing with molest issues and marital problems for so long, and being so unhappy for so long, I am ready to work towards a more deeply meaningful and rewarding relationship. Does this make sense?<P>Anyway, I guess it's on to Plan A from here, and more reading, and praying, and working on my marriage. Thanks again to all.<BR>JP

Hello Jungle Princess,<BR>Welcome to 'the boards'. You will find friends here, who can relate to your pain and give you some of the best advice and ears anywhere. The pain is fresh right now, but take a few deep breaths and set your shoulders because as has been said before, you will get through this. There is a good possibility that this will turn into a huge growth spurt for your marriage. I know that sounds ridiculous right now...<BR>I betrayed my wife, the love of my life over the summer by having an affair with one of my clients. When I finally came clean, after many lies and deceits, I came face to face with the worst pain I'd ever felt... It turned out to be a big eye opener for me and I believe that dealing with this has turned my into a far, far better husband (I will win her back!) a far better father and all around better person. I still have a ways to go, but at least I'm on the road.<BR>Keep coming back. read. We care and will be here for you with solid advice geared towards not only saving your marriage, but making it better than you've ever known! <BR>Would your H join you on the boards? It can be a good forum for both of you to work this out...<BR>Deut

Hi JP<P>I also would like to welcome you here but at the same time express my sympathy that you have to be here. I can back up everything that Deut has said. I was the betrayer, and the pain that I have put my W through and the pain that I have felt because of this has been the worst part of my life. Please understand that you H will also suffer greatly because of this affair. My W and I are working on mending our marriage. We have good days as well as bad days but I am learning more and more every day just how important it is to take care of our marriage. I am still making mistakes in dealing with this, but I know now that my W cannot get through this alone.<P>There are so many good people here that by just reading their post has helped me better understand what she is going through. Please keep coming back and keep us informed of your progress. Maybe you could think about having you H visit this forum with you. My wife also post here as well as other couples. We all care, betrayers and betrayed alike. Good luck to you, we are behind you.<P>fs<p>[This message has been edited by firestorm (edited January 20, 2000).]

Hi - I'm new to this so please bear with me. I just found out four days ago about my husband's affair. I can relate to almost everything you've said here. I'm in the process of working through in my own mind whether or not I want to work through this. My husband is also an alcoholic with issues of molest in his childhood from his father. We've been married over 5 years, together a total of almost 8. I've constantly "nagged" him about his drinking, to no avail. Now he's ready to quit drinking, his extra curricular activities, i.e., volleyball, and said that the affair was ended before I found out. How I found out...the woman he was having an affair with...her husband sent me a letter in the mail. What a way, huh? I feel like I've been through so much already, but something, still, is keeping me in this relationship. He wants to go to counseling and he realizes what he has to lose and also realizes he has nothing to gain.<P>I'll be stopping by here daily so I can read up on your updates as well as to see how things are progressing. <P>I wish you the best and if you have any advice for the one who's going through it "with you", I'd be most appreciative. Thanks for reading and hang in there!<BR>

JP,<P>I feel your pain. It is about to get better. Read, read, read. Require your H to cut it off totally. Read Surviving an affair. First part, How do affairs begin, and the second, How should affairs end. <P>I too was abused in bizarre ways. Some of it was sexual, but not much. I found out my sexually abused wife cheated on me since I knew her. (4 years unmarried and 5 years married) It has been almost 6 weeks. I am working up the courage to post here too. So please watch for my posting. It will get better. It will sink back again. It will get better. Eventually they tell me things will level out. I am in a second low spot now. It is not as low as when she said "yes." I know it doesn't feel as bad as when I found out, but it still feels rotten. Gods blessings. His will be done.