I am leaving tomorrow morning to go spend the weekend with my H. He has several fun things planned for us to do. Since he has moved, we have seen each other every two weeks. We talk on the phone a couple of times a week. All is friendly and warm.<P>I still am in limbo as to what he wants. He will respond (sometimes) when I tell him I love him (when we say goodbye) with a weak "me too". I can honestly say I enjoy my space and I do stay very busy. I work out a lot, I got a part-time job in retail at night to fill in space, have taken a class and just generally "keep busy". I have had several men ask me out, but I don't have any interest whatsoever as yet. <P>Yes, I still love my H and enjoy our time together. I went to my therapist yesterday and he made the comment that I am enabling him to continue his non-confrontal, conflict avoiding behavior. By me continuing the relationship as it stands, I am enabling him not to make a firm decision as to whether or not he wants to make a commitment to restore the marriage. While this may be true, he has only been on his new job less than a month, has moved to a completely new town, and has been completely on his own living alone for less than a month. When we first seperated, I was still involved to a degree in continuing to "run" the house until it sold and then he moved in with his mother.<P>He has just recently opened a new checking account in his name only, is paying all his bills on his own and living alone in a condo. All this is a first for him. How can I expect him to make a commitment to restore the marriage when he hasn't had time to adjust to all the new things in his life?<P>Am I really continuing to be an enabler?<p>[This message has been edited by Janie (edited December 09, 1999).]

Janie:<P>Yes, you are an "enabler". But it's not a bad thing (I bet your counselor is a fan of "co-dependency" theory.<P>You're giving your husband time to make a decision. You're OK with that right now. When you're not, you'll let him know that you're ready to move on (either to Plan B or divorce).<P>What other solution would your counselor have you try?<P>Sounds like you're doing pretty well with this.

Janie,<P>I agree with K. You'll know when you're ready to move on to Plan B. Have you given any thought as to how much time that might be?

Janie,<P>As usual, I agree with K. But ask yourself this. Do you enjoy seeing your H? Do you enjoy talking with your H? Do you look forward to the trip up to see him? Do you have fun with him? <P>If the answer is yes to most or all of these questions, then what is up with this enabler stuff? You are doing what you want. If your H is doing the same, then what I suspect is happening is you are ENABLING your H to become friends with you again. I mean on an important level. <P>It seems to me this is a step that must occur before you all can go on to restoring your marriage. The more he sees you happy and accepting of him the more likely the walls will be to come down. It seems weird to me, but it seems that the betrayer is often the one with the least trust. Go figure.<P>In anyway you got my $0.02, I hope you quit worrying so much and enjoy the holiday season.<P>God Bless You and Your H<P>JL

Have to say that I agree with K. <P>What you are doing IS working towards your goal. Some counselors lose sight of that maybe? I dunno.<P>You are doing great, and have made fantastic progress. I remember before you guys sold the house. I remember when you sounded so desperate. And lately you've had those ups and downs, but not to the extremes that I once remember reading.<P>Your husband and you will get through this, and it may take some time - but I am sure you are both gaining something stronger through all of this, a bond that is deeper.<P>Keep on keeping on, keeping your eyes on your goal, and trusting the process. Remember, the Harley methods are successful, vs. traditional counseling.<P>I do not think you are enabling him whatsoever. I remember when he blamed you for the checkbook mess up, remember? You did NOT enable him through this, you held your ground on a personal attack and did it quite respectfully, I might add.<P>You are not enabling him at all, you are being a loving wife offering unconditional love, and balancing quite well with taking care of YOU. He'll come around.<P>TNT

Yes, I do enjoy being with him now and I am excited about going to see him (although I dread the six hour drive!!). He does all the right things now, I just wish he could tell me he loves me point blank. Don't get me wrong -- I am very pleased with the progress we've both made in the last four months. I am such an impatient person and I think it all has to be fixed now. I know it took years to get to the point where we were. I know it will take time if we are to get it back.<P>I have set a time frame of around April 1. If he still has no idea "what he wants", it will be time for me to stop contact with him and move forward with a life without him. <P>I still have a problem with rejection and I guess I perceive his procrastination, etc. as continued rejection. This is something I'm praying about and working on. <P>Thanks for the support.