I've spent the last 30 years of my life ensconced in anger and fear, and it has produced nothing but pain and a sizeable fanny and more grief. I'm pretty much convinced it's not the way to go anymore. I talked with my H about the notes we e-mailed to each other, and he just hadn't had an opportunity to respond to me in the forum that he was comfortable in, alone and in person. I have a tendency to jump to conclusions, and I'm more than just a little edgy right now. He said that what he was trying to communicate was the fact that my weight gain has been a major problem in our marriage, and that while I was devastated to learn of his affair, he's been devastated by the weight gain. <P>So, if I'm to be depositing into that "love bank" by losing weight, so his emotional need for an attractive wife is being met, I need to be making weight loss a big priority in my life because I love him and want to stay married to him. I believe the advice Dr. Harley delineates in Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate without angry outbursts, disrespect, or demands. "...if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again." This is why I WANT to make the bridge for him to come back.<P>My stuff to work on IS to lose weight. To be so big (even though there are loads of people who will tell me I need to love myself for who I am, that I should expect to be accepted for who I am, etc.) is flat out a BAD THING. If I am going to food for comfort and support, for numbing pain, I have chosen the wrong confidant! I could have been going to my H all this time, or better yet, God. Now, my H needs quite a bit of coaching to learn to be supportive, but he is very willing to learn, and to be honest, I never gave him a chance in the almost 16 years of our marriage. I just didn't know how to tell him what I needed, and he still doesn't have that mind reading thing figured out yet.<P>The goal he set for me, while it was not what I wanted him to make a demand about, was reasonable, attainable and healthy. To him it was equivalent to me asking for things to end with the OW, an equally reasonable and attainable goal. Since the e-mailed notes, we've talked more openly and honestly, spent some wonderful time together just holding each other, and I'd have to say he's far more responsive to me in the last two days than he's been in all our marriage, and I have been as well! I feel better about our marriage today than I have for months. Tonight, we're discussing our emotional needs questionnaires. I don't pretend to think I won't be feeling pretty bad at times, and I'll still grieve rather intensely at moments, but I don't want to wallow around in this pain any longer than I have to. I'm done with hanging on to it! It doesn't serve any purpose for me. <P>He's sending the letter to the OW early next week. I'll be involved in the process. I was really afraid that she was my competition, and that he couldn't commit to saving our marriage because of her. He says this is not the case, that he couldn't commit because he didn't see me committing to losing the weight, I was just getting fatter and fatter, and that he went to her, a one-night-stand, after having quite a bit to drink. I get knots in my stomach about this. He says he used a condom. Should I go get tested for STDs? It's been 7 months since then.<P>Thanks to all of you for the support. After today, I think I'll move to the recovery board. I guess that's the phase we've moved to. It seems like a lifetime since Wednesday, D day. I look forward to where this rediscovery of our marriage leads us.<P>JP<BR>

JP...<P>It's simply great that you are to the point you can discuss emotional needs...<BR>...you are way ahead of so many at this forum!!!<P>Keep up with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... it is meant to be an "everyday" way of life!<P>A good review site to go to is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair</A>.<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

Hi Princess,<P>I can relate to the weight loss issue, and to using food for comfort. I too gained weight during marriage because of this.<P>Last year I lost 35 pounds by going to Weight Watchers. I highly recommend it. I have gained some of it back since discovering my husband's infidelity, so Tuesday it is back to Weight Watchers meetings for me! I need to lose 10 pounds, but would like to lose more.<P>You definitely need to get tested for STDs. Condoms are not 100%, and are especially ineffective for some types of infections. Chances are very good that the tests will be negative, and you will have peace of mind.<P>Best of luck in your weight loss efforts, and in your marital recovery.<P>Peppermint

Hi<BR> I too can relate to the eating issues. I'm envious of those who loose weight under stress. My H has not shared his emotional needs with me, but I'm assuming my weight bothers him as he does make derogatory remarks about overweight people in general. I have lost 10 pounds so far. Want to be a support for each other? you can email me at Lorabell13@aol.com if you like. Lora

Glad to hear you are talking and feeling better! Look forward to seeing you in "recovery" BB. <BR>kathi

jungle_princess,<P>Seems like you're on the road to recovery, but be warned that there might be potholes in the road ahead, and some of them you might not be able to avoid. Emotionally you and your H might be in for a rollercoaster ride, however, your marriage might end up stronger and better almost from the beginning, but the potholes and emotional swings might seem to bring either or both of you back to square one, but don't let that discourage you...<P>Talk honestly with your H and try to stay clear of LBs and try to come up with a plan for your future married life, and how to meet each other's needs. When both of you are ready to recommit to your marriage do so by telling each other EXACTLY what your recommitment means to you, both as a kind of ceremony but also as a way of letting the other person know exactly what you're committing to (we had to do so ourselves, since the phrase <I>I COMMIT TO WORK ON THE MARRIAGE</I> is just too wide and non-specific, so we changed it to <I>I COMMIT TO WORK ON IMPROVING OUR MARRIAGE BY MY WILLINGNESS TO FOLLOW THE POJA, THE 4 RULES OF A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE, AVOIDING LOVEBUSTERS AND LOVE AND CHERISH MY SPOUSE.</I><P>