A week ago I learned of my husbands "love" for his secretary. She is also married. He professes that she met his needs because he had given up on me and that without her he doesn't know if we can rebuild our relationship. I feel he was giving me ultimatums to do what he wanted ie having her as a part of "us" or not having him at all. I told him that I could never accept that because I loved him her husband has done the same. Since then we have all read surviving an affair but they are not willing to separate from each other physically. She has professed her love for her husband and family and that she wants to give their life another chance and that she cannot be what my husband needs/wants, but also professes her great love for him. They work together and refuse to do otherwise. I don't see how their relationship can end with them in the same small office. She has given my husband a list of don'ts to live by since they work together but I don't know if HE will do it and respect her wishes. She has said things though that make me feel that maybe the relationship was changing such as they had not spent much happy time together in the last two months since everyone was told about their relationship because all they talk about is all the pain that they have caused their families and that she kept waiting for the light of day but everything just seemed to get darker. I think part of that is due to their letting the real world into their relationship. I have read letters she wrote to my husband and they are full of undying love and hoping that they can always keep each other in their hearts. I don't know how to deal with this...knowing that she has said she wants to end it but the two of them together everyday is just too much I think...I don't know what to think at this point. I know that my husband is hurting and I don't know how much or how little to say to him. He goes from anger to unhappiness to reality in moments and I am trying to just be supportive and listen and not do anything to add to his unhappy state. But I also want to be sure that I am meeting his needs at this time...what should I do? Should I ask him? I know that sometimes the anger directed at me stem from his hurt and needing to lash out at someone (she just 'ended' it yesterday) so I can empathize with that. When I think about it though, things have been said that maybe I am reading into more than they mean, I hope that you can help me. Such as him saying that he wasn't sure if we could rebuild without her, not a definite. And it was he that first indicated that he should just give her up. I don't know maybe it is wishful thinking but I felt like I was feeling some wavering in the 'wonderfulness' of their relationship. She talks of all the fun and joy of being together and I think well yes it is all new and you are getting all this attention and satisfaction, but what happens when real life creeps in and the reality of the situation appears; there are spouses and several children involved, it seems that all the fun leaves. She mentioned that they had had a small argument and seemed to be drifting apart. Should I just keep my mouth shut and let this thing die, I don't want to continue talking about it and reminding my husband of this woman and I don't want to just keep telling him how much I hurt because of this. When we are together I want to focus on us, and we certainly have discussed this thing endlessly. As you can see I have more questions than anwswers at this point. I hope someone has some useful advice for me, I need it.

I'd say there are two issues: ending their relationship and rebuilding your relationship. The second can't happen til the first does. Your H needs to commit himself to working on your relationship...to do that, he must separate from her and then go thru withdrawal, and then recommit to your relationship. You say he's read SAA...does he not understand that separating from her if the first step? You cannot make him do it, unfortunately, all you can do in the meantime is Plan A, I'm afraid...<BR>

Welcome <B>victoria farrar</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>There is just bit of confusion here at the forum... last week the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>About some of your specifics...<BR>kam6318... is right!!!... start on that <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! Even if your H is familiar with it... and the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>. A better book for <B>him</B> to read is <LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393307077" TARGET=_blank><B>Private Lies :</B> Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy</A> by Frank Pittman... it'll give him a slight realty check!<P>Best Wishes... <P>Jim

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by victoria farrar:<BR><B>A week ago I learned of my husbands "love" for his secretary. She is also married. He professes that she met his needs because he had given up on me and that without her he doesn't know if we can rebuild our relationship. I feel he was giving me ultimatums to do what he wanted ie having her as a part of "us" or not having him at all. I told him that I could never accept that because I loved him her husband has done the same. Since then we have all read surviving an affair but they are not willing to separate from each other physically. She has professed her love for her husband and family and that she wants to give their life another chance and that she cannot be what my husband needs/wants, but also professes her great love for him. They work together and refuse to do otherwise. I don't see how their relationship can end with them in the same small office. She has given my husband a list of don'ts to live by since they work together but I don't know if HE will do it and respect her wishes. She has said things though that make me feel that maybe the relationship was changing such as they had not spent much happy time together in the last two months since everyone was told about their relationship because all they talk about is all the pain that they have caused their families and that she kept waiting for the light of day but everything just seemed to get darker. I think part of that is due to their letting the real world into their relationship. I have read letters she wrote to my husband and they are full of undying love and hoping that they can always keep each other in their hearts. I don't know how to deal with this...knowing that she has said she wants to end it but the two of them together everyday is just too much I think...I don't know what to think at this point. I know that my husband is hurting and I don't know how much or how little to say to him. He goes from anger to unhappiness to reality in moments and I am trying to just be supportive and listen and not do anything to add to his unhappy state. But I also want to be sure that I am meeting his needs at this time...what should I do? Should I ask him? I know that sometimes the anger directed at me stem from his hurt and needing to lash out at someone (she just 'ended' it yesterday) so I can empathize with that. When I think about it though, things have been said that maybe I am reading into more than they mean, I hope that you can help me. Such as him saying that he wasn't sure if we could rebuild without her, not a definite. And it was he that first indicated that he should just give her up. I don't know maybe it is wishful thinking but I felt like I was feeling some wavering in the 'wonderfulness' of their relationship. She talks of all the fun and joy of being together and I think well yes it is all new and you are getting all this attention and satisfaction, but what happens when real life creeps in and the reality of the situation appears; there are spouses and several children involved, it seems that all the fun leaves. She mentioned that they had had a small argument and seemed to be drifting apart. Should I just keep my mouth shut and let this thing die, I don't want to continue talking about it and reminding my husband of this woman and I don't want to just keep telling him how much I hurt because of this. When we are together I want to focus on us, and we certainly have discussed this thing endlessly. As you can see I have more questions than anwswers at this point. I hope someone has some useful advice for me, I need it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's been some time since you posted this and I was wondering how things were going. My husband says he has just ended the affair with his girlfriend, we have been married 20 years and have 4 teenage children, who are in a lot of pain also. His relationship wih this woman was supported by his parents. They would have the two of them together in their home while my children were there and convinced my children to lie to me about what was going on at grandma's house. My husband is at home now but, he says he doesn't have the want to fix this marriage. He says his heart is empty, is this a normal stage after such an affair? There is no physical attention given yet. He says if i touch him he doesn't like it, It's the same way i've touched him for 20 years. I'm trying so hard to give him the time to heal, I know he has to heal as much as I do. I know his feelings for this woman were real, and I'm so scared I might lose him, even after all the pain he is still the love in my heart.

Wish I had an easy answer. Sometimes it seems like things are going well and other times it seems like a disaster. All I can say is that I am trying and I think that my husband is in a lot of pain right now, no matter what he says. It is not easy dealing with negative emotions, but I think that time is the key.

Victoria,<P>Time... a lot of patience... and an incredibly "pure" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!!!<P>That's what it will take! <P>Jim

Yes time and lots of it. I try to reserve some time every day for my H and I to be by ourselves-we go out for coffee or ice cream or to a nearby bookstore. Anything that we can do TOGETHER that we both enjoy. I just talked to him on the phone. He sounds terrible, very unhappy and strained. I just try to remain upbeat, and I worry about what is going on in his head because I KNOW him and thinking can drive him crazy. At times I dread what is going to come out of his mouth too, because sometimes it is very loving and sometimes is is almost hateful. What I don't understand is why he can say that he can't feel for me if she is not there when I can see all he is feeling when he lets that guard down at home and that is not due to her, it is ME that he is with and relating to. I wish he would just open his eyes. Why live with such pain when the answer is so easy...I don't think that I completely understand the addiction thing, although I can sure see it at work in this case.

victoria,<P>If you, yourself, were never a drug addict..<BR>If you, yourself, were never an alcoholic..<BR>If you, yourself, were never a sex addict..<P>It is hard to understand the damage to the the brain... and thought processes...<P>...that's what really takes so much time...<P><BR>Remember the commercial...<BR>..."this is your brain"... "this is your brain on drugs"... <P>It's like us having to wait until they put together, unfry or cleanup their brain...<P>Love and patience... <P>Prayers to you... <P>Jim