I know I'm new to the forum, and if you want to see the whole story, it's under "To Purplemag". <P>Anyways...the OW just called me. We were on the phone for over an hour. She says it's over she has too much to lose. She also gave me some more insight to this relationship.<P>Of course, H denies it. Denies it all. What am I going to do? I need some help here. In a big way. We are supposed to start counseling tonight, and now I don't know if I even want to do that.<P>I've put up with so much for so long. I don't believe in anything anymore...<P>HELP!!!<BR>D

<B>purplemag</B>,<P>PLEASE <B>DO</B> GO TO COUNSELING!!!<P>This is an <B>opportunity</B>...<BR>Don't throw it out.<P>Be careful before and during...<BR>This is a perfect time to avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!<BR>Unfortunately the temptation to commit them will be the absolute greatest!!!<P>You will have a third person there (the counselor)... and what you want to avoid is "ganging up" on your H... this is a HUGE temptation that must be avoided! I'd suggest that you call the counselor ahead of time... filling him/her in... and making sure he/she understands your desire NOT to "gang up"!!!<P>Hopefully the counselor will have time to plan out a course of action that will ease the denial of H from himself...(it might not happen tonight... don't be upset about it)... without making your H completely lose all sense of why you went to counseling in the first place!<P>Hard as it may be...<BR>...be supportive of your H tonight!<BR>...don't put his feelings down!<BR>...don't say he was wrong... about the affair!<BR>...recognize your role (no matter how big or small) in the troubles of the marriage!<BR>...let him know... you <B>will</B> work on it!... eagerly[/b]<BR>...let him know... that "safeness" is waiting for him at home, after the counseling session, and for years to come!<BR>...can you bring up the phone call?... ask how to approach that with the counselor and his/her plans.<P>Is all this going to be hard?... YES!!!<BR>Harder on you than on him... at first!<P>Go... Now... Call the counselor!<P>Be aware of a quote from SAA... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wayward spouses do not necessarily have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. (page 40 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... this can apply to the OW as well, so be careful in all interpretations!<P>You need to believe in something/someone... <B>believe in you</B>! <BR>Prayers to you! <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 27, 2000).]

Jim,<P>Thanks so much for your support. I got the message, and called him right away. He told me he was going to tell me at lunch that she was going to call to apologize for all that they have done to hers/his relationships. Which she did. <P>But, like the person I am, I have to know everything. She told me. He denies it. I just can't get past it. It hurts soo much. I just can't stand this feeling.<P>He's willing to do anything...ANYTHING to make this marriage work, or so he says. How can I believe that? <P>You basically are saying you want me to make it comfortable for him. What about me? Why am I always the one to work at this? I'm tired of it. I'm tired of putting in the extra mile, when he never has. Why now?<P>I broke mucho Love Busters this afternoon. He came home from work early, because he couldn't take it any longer, couldn't concentrate, etc. I can't wait to see what this withdrawal is going to be like. I'm so bitter. <P>Breaking the Love Busters? I had to do it. I haven't since this thing started, but that call broke the proverbial camel's back. I couldn't hold it in anymore. <P>He already said I didn't play role in this happening. Once the "fog" was lifted, he realized he had everything he needed and wanted right here. He's an alcoholic. A heavy drinker. He was looking for acceptance and I refused to give it to him. Who wouldn't, in my situation. It's been the cause of ALL our problems. From day one. <P>I just don't know if I want to have H in my life anymore. I've been through enough. I thought it was worth it the last time, and the time before that, and so on...<P>I'm trying very hard to take your advice, believe me I am. Don't get me wrong, that's what I'm here for. The support and the advice. I'll do my best tonight, but I can't make any promises.<P>Thanks so much for your caring words, Jim. They are much appreciated. <P>D

{{{{{{{{{{<B>purplemag</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P>I'm so sorry for you...<P>This is going to be very hard...<BR>It is totally unfair to have to do all the work...<BR>We <B>all</B> know it...<BR>It is so sad when the people who get hurt first... have to make those first moves... and see NO reaction from the wayward.<BR>We say it strengthens us... but at the expense of our own feelings.<P>But we try to encourage each other... <P>You probably don't have the time right now, but later... check out the Q&A article <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>What to Do with an Alcoholic Spouse</A> if you haven't already.<P>I hope it helps. <P>Jim

Just wanted to let you know we went to the therapist last night. She's good. At least for right now she is. <P>My H is writing in a journal, trying to figure out who he is, and how to deal with what he's done. I told him I'd support him, of course. We did the questionnaires together today and that helped a lot too.<P>My problem today, is that the OW's best friend called me! Why won't these people, just let it die? She wanted to give me the OW's phone number at work (because she disconnected her cell phone citing "she didn't want my H bothering her"). If anything, she's doing the bothering.<P>Why on earth would I ever want to talk to this woman again? She's caused pain enough. Her friend says she's so upset and feels so guilty about hurting me, because after talking on the phone with me yesterday, she realized what a nice and kind person I am, and she doesn't want to see me go through any more pain. Is this normal or just down right weird?<P>My H even said to me "why can this thing just end"...<P>For now, those are my only updates. I talked to my H about writing the letter, but he doesn't want to have ANY contact with her whatsoever (or so I'm told). I just want to believe him and in him again. I'm just glad this thing came out in the open before too much damage was done. To everyone.<P>Thanks for listening...<BR>

That's good that you went to the counseling and that he is writing in a journal. Sounds like you guys are on the right path. <P>I admire your strength and courage. I think that I am going to recommend to my H to do the journal writing since he seems to be in denial of truly having done anything wrong since he says he hasn't had a physical relationship with the OW. <P>I still think writing the letter would provide closure especially to the OW who seems to not be letting go.<P>Good luck!<BR>cp<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by purplemag:<BR><B>Just wanted to let you know we went to the therapist last night. She's good. At least for right now she is. <P>My H is writing in a journal, trying to figure out who he is, and how to deal with what he's done. I told him I'd support him, of course. We did the questionnaires together today and that helped a lot too.<P>My problem today, is that the OW's best friend called me! Why won't these people, just let it die? She wanted to give me the OW's phone number at work (because she disconnected her cell phone citing "she didn't want my H bothering her"). If anything, she's doing the bothering.<P>Why on earth would I ever want to talk to this woman again? She's caused pain enough. Her friend says she's so upset and feels so guilty about hurting me, because after talking on the phone with me yesterday, she realized what a nice and kind person I am, and she doesn't want to see me go through any more pain. Is this normal or just down right weird?<P>My H even said to me "why can this thing just end"...<P>For now, those are my only updates. I talked to my H about writing the letter, but he doesn't want to have ANY contact with her whatsoever (or so I'm told). I just want to believe him and in him again. I'm just glad this thing came out in the open before too much damage was done. To everyone.<P>Thanks for listening...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

purplemag, the reason YOU are the one who has to do the work right now is because YOU are the only one who is capable of doing it. It's not easy - it sucks big time! But, as NSR points out, you have an incredible opportunity to have a NEW and BETTER marriage with your husband right now. That's an opportunity I know that NSR and I would both give body parts to have!<P>Read everything on this site and remember that he may be having a very difficult time forgiving himself for what he's done to you. Also remember that, although the conversation with the OW may make it seem as if she is telling the truth about everything, she is only telling it from her point of view. Few OP really tell a completely factual tale of an affair, and most will slant the story to make them look as if they are innocent and your spouse is the only one responsible for the affair. Your H might be telling the truth, or he might be having a difficult time admitting to himself what he did. Either way, he is trying to do the right thing and make your marriage work - that is what is of primary importance right now. Remember, yesterday is gone, tomorrow hasn't happened yet - the only thing we have any control over is TODAY. Grab TODAY as tight as you can and concentrate ONLY on it. Eventually, you'll be able to work toward tomorrow, but you should try to leave yesterday where it is - in the past, dead and gone.<P>Read my profile if you'd like to know how much YESTERDAY I'll have to leave behind WHEN my husband gets his head out of his ... well, you know...<P><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Thanks so much for the support and the direct words. They really do need to be heard! <P>My H and I had a really good weekend this weekend. He actually proposed to me again last night. He wishes this OW would get out of our lives. He wants it done and over with. I want to believe him, and as time passes and things get proved to me, it's a little easier.<P>He's been sober too now for a week and two days. He's very proud of himself, and he looks forward to counseling and getting back on track with reality.<P>As I've seen this past weekend, I think we are both working equally at the relationship right now. He took a "personal day" on Friday, and he did a lot of writing and actually filled out both of the questionnaires from this site. He was very willing to go over them and how our answers did or didn't add up. I just received three books that I ordered too, and we're both reading them. <P>I think you're right about him having a hard time forgiving himself. I think he's harder on himself than I have been. But, I think that shows how strong my love has always been for him and he's finally seeing it.<P>Thanks again, and I'll keep reading, and reading, and reading. That and communicating are what's getting us through.<P>D

purplemag,<P>The recovery process can be slow and grueling... show some more patience... and of course <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>If you H is truly into accepting the ideas here at MB...<BR>...ask him to come and join the forum!<P>If he is <B>not</B> ready... don't. Some have tried too early to bring there spouses here and have failed miserably... not necessarily their fault... (their Ss just weren't ready for it.)<P>There are a few couples here... and the posts that they make are incredible... such love and beauty... <P>Other posts are so difficult...<BR>...however... they were <B>both</B> given such great support!<BR>It is one more avenue open to you!<P>Prayers... <BR>...I'm glad for the sucess you've had so far.<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 31, 2000).]