It was New Years 2000 when my wife and I went to my brother-in-laws New Years Eve party. There were several couples and one single guy who attended some parties in the past. Everyone was very intoxicated except for me being the designated driver for my SO. My wife spent more time at the party with the single guy and often they moved their presence out of my sight or at least I thought so. I watched them al night and the interest level in their faces rose between each while I was being ignored. They began to dance, close dancing far more close than I felt comfortable with which raised a red flag in my mind. I could read my wife's mind that she wanted him and moved my presence to the dance area. I never denied my wife from dancing with anyone in 22 years of marriage and she always had the freedom to do what ever she wanted to within the bounds of our marital vows. My look toward them must have been deadly and my wife turned and looked at me several times then spoke into the guy's ear several times while dancing. I can assume she was having a husband's is watching moment with the guy before breaking-up the close dance with the guy. The guy grabbed at her arms to prevent her from leaving the dance floor and my wife jerked herself back from him looking very guilty telling the guy to stop. I can assume this guy was a jerk and very intoxicated but the signals were very loud and clear. She sat down on the couch in a very rigid posture with guilt while her dance partner approached me in a submissive way to tell me he was sorry while she left the room. I did not ask the guy any questions and for me the party was over due to the rage I experienced for I acutely wanted to kill the guy. The trip home was in silance buy my controlled rage continued into the next day not knowing if my wife was unfaitfull.<P>On the first day of year 2000 I approached my wife with questions regarding her behavior. I asked if she had been unfaithful which she got very angry and told me she couldn't take my distrust anymore. She went into the lack of connection and my unwillingness to give her the emotional need and tenderness she desired. She had been working out at the gym for several years and was feeling good about herself and often wanted me to go with her but declined. It was funny that I had the same thoughts and desires for many years about her complaints about our marriage. It just seems after 22 years of marriage and two grown children (33 and 18) that we both turned off emotionally although we did continue to have sex on occasions. After a brief argument of infidelity pointed to her dance partner she then told me she couldn't stand it anymore and wanted to leave and not take anything with her. We went into the divorce scenario several times and finally realized that we did not want to break up our marriage. During our discussions about her behavior several typical infidel expressions was spoken from her lips; "When would I have time to have an affair", "I was only dancing", and "It felt good for a man to touch me". Within several days our discussion to work things out I got other tips such as "being smothered" and basic declarations of "freedom" which I have always gave her anyway. My head was sent into the obsessive desire to search for truth due to the mixed signals from her, or, could it be the desire on my part to end the marriage and seek my final life long companion after 46 years of age. <P>I had always had suspicions about her. In the early years of our marriage I found a supposed good friends earring in my bed sheets but never approached my wife about it. I did ask my friend if the earring belonged to him. He asked me where I found it and took it back as if it was his. I replied, "On the carper by the chair in the living room" and never brought up the subject again. It was apparent that she was having an emotional affair as well as a sexual affair but my denial continued. It turned out this so-called friend was in a car accident for which I was sorry after he had met someone he loved but I won't express my truth feelings about his accidental death. Another time when I was working full time and going to college full time in which she spent a lot of time at her female friends house while I was in school. She often took me to her friend's house on the weekends but one time I discovered my wife and her friend's brother-in-law having a solitary moment alone outside in the back of the house with sad looks on their faces looking at the ground. I didn't hear anything as I stood in the doorway trying to pick up on a conversation. Later, the brother-in-law and her friend's husband were having a heated argument on the front lawn and I could swear from lip reading that that the brother-in-law had complained that he had not told him I was at the home. But again it could be my imagination but the red flags and gut feeling persisted which has impacted my attitudes and feelings toward my wife for many years. I feel I'm the fool…<P>AS a result of the party and the arguments and realizing we both don't want to end the marriage we have reconciled with tender loving care. Sex couldn't be better almost every day and she says she is satisfied with me and my effort to restore our marrage. I do on occasions get some negative wall building comments about her hurt from me in the past. Out of the blue at a grocery store she told me she was very promiscuous after her fist marriage until she met me and asked me how many woman I had before I met her. This floored me and I keep on telling her how good she looks and it is important to me that she is happy "no matter what" because of my love for her but still probing the infidelity issue for her to come clean with me which she would never do. I am very obsessed but very cautious now to keep love busters out of our lives now. <P>For now I have been keeping track of her mileage and monitoring the phone. I'm keeping her real close and going to the gym with her, which she always wanted me to do. I don't find anything unusual so far and discovered her conversation with my sister-in-law that a little jealousy as a result of the New Years Eve Party was my wake-up call and she has been happy with me so far which seems to contradict my feeling she has had any recent affairs. <P>I am obsessive about finding out the true nature of my wife of 22 years and will end the relationship if I find out about recent affairs. I have stayed in this marriage for my children sake and been in denial for a long time to protect myself but the recent signals only confuse me.<P>HELP…my emotions are running wild and I can't stand not knowing the truth. IS IT SO my wife of 22 years has been in bed with other men????? How will I every know so I can come to a conclusion with my run away feelings and marriage because I do not want to waist anymore of my time with this woman for the rest of my life? Am I the FOOL? I feel so victimized or is it my recent imagination??? She denies everything…<P> <BR>

Hi SteveO,<P>Please take this advice in the spirit it is given.<P>I think that you and your wife should go for marital counseling. In your case there are two distinct possibilities: 1. Your instincts may be right and your wife might have been unfaithful to you. OR 2. You have both been neglectful to your marriage and have allowed it to deteriorate.<P>Either way, a counselor can help you find the truth and lead the two of you to a solution.<P>Even if your wife has been unfaithful, you two can rebuild your marriage if you both want to. This site can help you through this difficult time.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint<p>[This message has been edited by peppermint (edited January 28, 2000).]

Welcome <B>SteveO</B>...<P>You feel you are at a discovery stage...<BR>...take a breath.<P>Peppermint is quite right about the counseling... it can help... with a good counselor...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>Yes... there is just bit of confusion here at the forum... this is jsut the second week in which we now have 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>It is hard work to make a marriage better...<BR>...but much less than the work you have to put into a divorce!<P>Prayers... <P>Jim