I'm writing this seeking someone to help me try to understand why it happened. Because of my wifes career I have to keep this completely anonymous (US Air Force). This is real long, but because of military issues I have'nt been able to tell anyone about it, so I'm also venting a little here.<BR>We have been married for eight wonderful years (at least that's what I thought), and because of what she does she has to take a lot of trips. Usually these trips only last two weeks at the most, which is okay because she always calls and we talk for hours. Last Oct.(1999) she had to go on a longer trip to a location that I am not at liberty to say. She left in the middle of the month and did not return until the beginning of Dec... She called me right when she got there just like she always does when she goes.<BR>Then she called again in a few days. Then she called once the next week. I then didn't hear from her for about two weeks. Naturally i started to wonder if she was okay. She finally called, I was SO worried about her. I told her that I was glad that she called and asked her if she was okay. She said she was fine and that everything there was going okay, but her tone of voice was different. I then tried talking like usual, asking about her days... She has always told me that when she calls she wants me to tell her about my days and what I do while she's gone, (talk about my job, how I spend my time at home etc...) But she did'nt want to hear about it. She was very short and snappy and would change the subject everytime I started talking. I have to admit that since she started flying missions that I've alwalys had a concern in the back of my mind about the possibility of the unthinkable happening. We all know what most military guys look like (muscular and in good shape) and I have always known that's what she likes, after all that's what she married. I had mentioned my fears to her years ago, and she has always told me that not only WOULD she not do it, but that she COULD not do it(moraly)! Getting back to the story... She called the next week and once again her tone of voice was different, and she was real snappy about everything I had to say. So I asked her jokingly about whether or not she was with anyone else. She got REAL deffensive, told me that her time was up(she got 15 min. morale calls every couple of days), said i love you and I miss you then goodbye...It had only been about ten minutes though. She called again a few days later, and apologized for getting off the phone so quick and told me it was because she was so tired(14 hour time difference). I told her that I understood etc... But once again her tone of voice and behavior was the same. So I asked her straight-out, are you being faithful. She said yes and reiterated her would not could not she has always told me. I told her that I was sorry for asking and that I believed her and trusted her. And up until this trip I have always trusted her. She promised me that she would call again in a few days, we said our goodbyes and hung up. A couple of weeks passed and I had not heard from her. And of course i was going out of my mind waiting and wondering. She called about four days before thanksgiving, once again her tone of voice etc.. But I did not question her this time. She said she would call on thanksgiving(this was the first time in seven years that we had been apart on any holliday). The day after thanksgiving she called, and once again same behavior...We talked a little while and I told her that tomorrow (27th) was exactly one month til our eight year anniversery, she said she knew and she could not wait, that it was going to be so nice. She then told me that she would be home in three days, you cannot even begin to understand how relieved and happy I was! On the 28th one of her supervisors called me and asked me if I was okay and if I needed anything(should have been a clue). Are you kidding?? I was great!! My wife who I had missed so much was going to be home in another day. Then he told me that she wouldn't be home for another week, that her flight plan had been delayed. Okay, no big deal. That kind of thing happens... BUT, she hadn't called to tell me that. She called on the 29th and told me that they had engine problems and would not be home until 4 Dec. i understood and thought oh well, I can wait... The 4th came and she called to say she was home and for me to come pick her up at the base. Usually when she gets back we spend some time talking with the other pilots about the trip before we head home. Not this time. It was quick lets get the gear bags and suitcases and go! Thought that after 45 days she just wanted to be together(you know what I mean :-)) and she did right after we got home. I thought everything was obviously okay and normal. Although when we were "together" that afternoon, she didn't really get into it as much as she usually does but I attributed that to a 21 hour flight. For the next three days she was real cranky with me. And not really that interested if you know what I mean. The fourth day that she had been back was my birthday, and unfortunatly that had been forgotten by her. So that evening I took our Rottweiler for a walk so that I could cool off, there was no way that I was going to remind her what day it was since everything i said to her since she had been home pissed her off. On our walk that evening I ran into a friend of ours that lived down the street he was out walking his dog so the two of us started walking and talking. He asked me how I was doing and if everything was okay. So I asked him why everyone kept asking me if I was okay. Thats when he made the comment, " I know it's got to be tough". BINGO!!!!! He saw the "deer in the headlights" look on my face and said "you don't know do you?" He told me that he didn't feel right telling me... but my convincing size of 200 lbs of muscle and my dogs size of 200lbs of muscle and teeth and certain key words of causing great bodily harm to him made him talk. he told me that on 27 Nov. she had been caught by military police and arrested for adultry, that's why there was a flight plan delay. I once again had to "convince" him to give me a name, which he did. Conversation was over i was going home to talk to my wife. I walked in the door told her we needed to talk and asked her who "name goes here" is. She told me he was a friend of hers. I asked what happened in her tent with him, she told me that they were sitting on the couch talking. Then the lies started. I asked a lot of questions never raising my voice, trying to with hold what i felt inside. After a about ten minutes of her telling me that they were friends who were caught talking to each other i stopped her and told her that I knew what happened. And to tell me the truth. so she did, which isn't what I realy wanted to hear. I felt so much rage and betrayal and pain. But I remained calm, cool, and collected about everything. I took it like an adult, which was a lot different than I thought i would. I laid it on the line for her and asked her if she wanted our marriage, and if it was worth trying to work things out (god knows I wasn't ready to give up what we had). She said she made a mistake and has regretted it ever since, and didn't want to lose me. Over the last two months now she has still lied to me about some little things about him, she had one of his dog tags, and a letter that he wrote to her after they got back to the states. But she did finally told me about them and gave them to me. I asked her what she wanted to do with them, she told me that she wanted to throw away the letter and give the tag back to him(the real kicker is that he's from her squadron). Of course I told her i didn't want her to see him, and especially didn't want her to approach him to give him back the tag. (I still don't understand why she took the tag from him in the first place) And besides she had been given an order after the arrest that they are not allowed to have contact with each other.(in the military adultry is a felony) She made me feel a lot better when she told me that she would take the letter and the dog tag to her supervisor and have him give back the tag.(which she did) Which was a really good idea because it was used as evidence against him when they got court martialled. Needless to say what she did really messed up her career as well as her relationship. She has lately been completely honest with me about almost everything. She has told me every last detail about the night that it happened. And although she has been telling me EVERYTHING it has started to hurt more and more. Because as it turns out, she is the one that started it that night, she led him into the tent, and eventually into the bedroom. She also has told me that she stopped the sex after about two minutes because once they started she started feeling guilt and that she thought she was a slut for what she was doing and when they they got caught they were just laying in the bed together. That has made me feel a lot better about everything, but what i don't understand and she can't explain is why she didn't stop it before they moved to the bedroom.<BR>So if any one can help me to understand why that is, I would greatly appreciate it. She also has not been able to explain why she even did it in the first place. But up until that night nothing had happened between, them except on thanksgiving she said that he tried to kiss her and she pushed him away because it was wrong.<BR>

JW,<P>I guess your story hit me at several levels. The first because my father was a career officer and I was in the AF for a number of years. The second level is just the same as anyone else, it is so sad. One thing that has struck me in your story was that there is an inconsistancy. <P>Your W was being cross and short with you long before Thanksgiving. As most on the infidelity forum will tell you, this a strong sign that something is going on, even then. Has she explained her behavior on the phone before all of this happened? <P>What was the outcome of the court martial? Is she thinking about getting out of the service? These will be important issues in your recovery.<P>This is a weekend so the responses will be slow until about Monday. There are several people who will provide you with very important information about this site and what you can find. You will also find many people will be able and willing to help you and your W if she should decide to post here.<P>There is a term used here and elsewhere called an "emotional affair". When you think about it the importance of this concept is crucial. It sounds like your W was having an emotional affair long before it became physical. If that is the case the answer to your last question is obvious. She was already having an affair and had drawn away from you emotionally if not physically. <P>These type of affairs can be just as devistating to a marriage as the physical affairs. You might want to question her about this. <P>Finally, if you want to rebuild your marriage then you and hopefully your wife should read the information on this site. I would strongly recommend the Plan A information and the His Needs/Her Needs sections. <P>You are correct to be worried about the state of your marriage and it seems from what you have said you wife has not gotten over the affair yet. This leads to another thing that Harley talks about in his books. An affair emotional or physical is like an addiction, and the betrayer will go through withdrawl for some length of time when separated from the other person, OP. This withdrawl is much like a drug withdrawl with backsliding and some lying. I have seen it said here that withdrawl takes roughly as long as the affair lasted. <P>You don't know when the emotional attachment took place. It could have been before deployment. It would be helpful if your W could talk with you about these things. One thing to avoid is the Love Busters, disrespectful judgments, arguements, etc. These are also discussed on the site. It doesn't seem fair that the person betrayed would have to do the work at this point but it seems that is how it works. You are the one that wants to restore the marriage.<P>So much to say, but rest assured you and your W can restore your marriage but it will take a lot of work and commitment on the part of both of you.<P>Good Luck and God Bless <P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited January 29, 2000).]

JL,<BR>Your right about the phone conversations that led up to the day... she told me that about 4 days after she was there, this person started hanging around her, A LOT. She said that they just sat around and talked. I pointed out to her that that's what we always do when we're together, but I also pointed out that when I tried to talk to her when she was there she wouldn't talk back. I can see the connection that she made but, I'm unable to see why she wouldn't talk to me if that's what she needed.<BR>JW

JL,<BR>Your right about the phone conversations that led up to the day... she told me that about 4 days after she was there, this person started hanging around her, A LOT. She said that they just sat around and talked. I pointed out to her that that's what we always do when we're together, but I also pointed out that when I tried to talk to her when she was there she wouldn't talk back. I can see the connection that she made but, I'm unable to see why she wouldn't talk to me if that's what she needed.<BR>And as far as career goes, she got a pretty stiff punishment... Grounded, lost one rank, lost some pay, and extra duty days... And I can assure you that her face during sentencing showed how horrible she felt about everyting that she had done. It was clearly a reality check!<BR>But one thing that really plays on my mind and she "can't" explain is that before things moved to the bedroom, he made the comment "you're married" her reply was "I know".<BR>JW

JW,<P>She did not need just conversation. She needed something more. Whether you had not been supplying it before she was deployed or it was something she needed everyday which you could not supply long distance I don't know. Here is where counseling for you both would be really useful. <P>You see as well as I do, that her being short with you was guilt. It was not guilt about talking with this guy, since she had talked with him before. They were in the same squandron. Some other connections were being made in her mind and talking with you reminded her that she was married. It was very inconvenient to have these feeling for you be revived while being with the OM.<P>JW, I am an amateur at this. What I would really recommend is that you get some counseling along with your wife. In fact the AF may provide that counseling considering that a Court Martial did occur. If nothing else you can call Steve Harley, counsel with him. There are many on this board that have found him to be really good at this sort of thing and it is his speciality. He can also provide you with a plan on how to proceed.<P>If K sees your posting you will undoubably get the full sermon from him . He has been to places in his marriage that you and I never ever want to be, and it survived, thanks to his counseling with Harley. So he is a big proponent of this form of counseling.<P>JW if your wife is willing, it seems to me that you two need to sit down and fill out the needs form that is on this site. This will take sometime because the answers from both of you will need to be very honest. Is your wife committed to making the marriage work or is just sort of there?<P>Think about what I have said about the counseling.<P>God Bless You and Your Wife<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited January 29, 2000).]

JW, I don't read this forum much, because it sure brings back the hurt and pain I felt when I found out for certain about my husband's affair. But for some reason, today I read your message.<P>JW - I would advise you to get a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley ASAP. Your pain is perfectly normal, your anger and hurt and doubt are normal, too. And I know that doesn't help too much right now, but I want you to know that. Other excellent books are "After the Affair" and "Private Lies."<P>The main thing about infidelity that you need to keep reminding yourself is that it rarely makes sense. Trying to make sense of it is, at best, frustrating, at worst, a good way to drive yourself into despair.<P>Realize that sometimes good people make terrible mistakes in judgment all the while knowing they are doing the wrong thing. It sounds as if your wife was lonely and overwhelmed by the masculinity of the person in question - it is not only men who are often overcome by sexual urges that drive them to do stupid things!<P>I hope this has helped at least a little bit. And I wish you and your wife well in recovery. Suggest that she read this forum, too - all of the Infidelity forums, actually. She might benefit from knowing that you can forgive her, and she can forgive herself.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

JW,<P>Our last posts seem to overlap. One thing about the board here, you can edit you posts after you submit them by cliking on the tablet with a pen on it at the top of your post. It is near the sun glasses at the top of each post. If you click on the sunglasess you get the profile of the poster.<P>You wife knew what she was doing. I suspect and so do you she was "in-love" with the OM. It was an emotional affair before the actual physical part started. This is where the ideas of Harley are very good. Read the post by NSR just below yours here. He has most of the really important information. Then read all of the stuff on this board. <P>Would your wife be willing to do this also. There are couples on this board that are working through infidelities, and the posting back and forth seems to help them. If your W is willing there are many here in her shoes. This board is made up of people who have been betrayed, like you, betrayers, like your wife, couples who have betrayed each other, couples who are the betrayed and the betrayer, and people like myself who are not in either situation but have/had deep concerns about their marriages and came here to learn and the get hooked .<P>Do some homework here and you will get a whole new perspective on marriage and how to make it work. Sharing with the people on this board will also let you know that you are not alone and that you and your marriage can survive.<P>JL

Welcome <B>JW</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>There is just bit of confusion here at the forum... a short while back the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>Jim