I am currently living with my fiancee. We have been together for almost 2 years. We meet over the internet almost a year before we meet. He asked me to marry him in Sept of 99. He also started having an affair in Sept. of 99, while I was taking night classes. The entire time we were planning the wedding and planning our future. I thought everything was perfect. Then I started to notice strange things. Women calling the house to see if he was ok. Him working all night. Him always being online at night or when I was not home. When I questioned him, he made up excuses or made me feel like I had no right to question him. Finally in Dec. I caught him. He had claimed to be at work one night and my grandfather died. I tried to page him 20 or more times to tell him what had happened. I was so upset that he never called me back that the next day I called his employer to find out how to get ahold of him. I was told that he had been off of work on a medical leave for the past 2 weeks. So not only did I look like a fool so did he. <BR>I immediately left work and waited for him to come home. He denied everything at first and was upset with me for checking up on him. But after I refused to give in he finally fessed up almost 6 hours later. He also told me that he had cancer and had been going through kemo for the past 2 weeks. (He felt that he should not tell me this because my Grandfather was dying of cancer.) So not only was I crushed to find out that he had an affair, I also had to deal with the fact that he was sick too. I was so upset that I called the OW. She did not know about me. We had several wonderful discussions. (Which we had until recently when I found out she was lying to me too) I could not believe he was doing this to me. I even found out that he gave her my engagement ring as a gift while I was trying to take care of my sick Grandfather's affairs the week prior to his death. Before I left he said that he was going to get insurance on it and needed to take it. I was devastated!!! Well it is now the first of Feb. and things are not really getting better. I have decided to give it a try because I truly feel that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Although this last weekend I found out that he is still seeing her...still going over to her house. He claims that he is trying to figure out what is going on in his head. I left one weekend so that he could think about things...He went and saw her. The next weekend we had plans together and all of a sudden the morning of our plans he said that he needed to get away...he went and saw her that night. This past weekend he said that he was going to a bachlor party and he went to go see her. Although she was not there that night and he was all mad when he got home. In Dec. he also was layed off from his job of 9 years as an electrician. He has been out looking for a job but I do not feel that he is looking very hard. He says all the time, that he could get used to this not working thing. So he spends most of his day online and talking to her. He says that he is going on an interview or something else and he goes to her house instead. When I found out this weekend that he was still seeing her I lost it. I was banging the phone and yelling and he actually got up and pushed me away. He has NEVER raised a hand to me before. He actually left a bruise on my arm. I then realized that we were not making things any better on our own. I was ready to give up and have him move out and then move back to my home town when our lease is up in a few months. He refuses to stop seeing her saying that he has friends that she hangs out with and that he will not give up his other friends (Which are all her friends). I am now trying to do everything in my power to win him back. I love this man!!! He is the best thing that ever happened to me no matter what he has done. It is so hard though. He doesn't want to be with me sexually anymore unless he is the one getting the gratification. After he is satisfied it is all done. I am just sitting there waiting to be satisfied, and that is exactly what I do is wait. He doesn't touch me anymore. He doesn't talk to me anymore. He lies to me all of the time. I guess I am just trying to figure out what to do. He swears that he still loves me. That he still cares for me. But he doesn't send me flowers anymore. He doesn't buy me presents anymore. He buys them for her. He deosn't talk to me via the computer anymore either. The thing that I don't understand is she openly admits that she is using him. She tells him that. He knows that she is also engaged. He also knows that she is sleeping with a third man. He claims that he has only slept with her 4 times in the 3 months and that he has not been with her sexually since a month before I found out about it. But when he doesn't want me what am I supposed to think? I am so confused right now!!!! I found this website. So far it has been a Godsend. It is finally starting to answer some of my questions. He says that he will look at it too. This is only my second day on the sight. I have ordered some books from here and some from Amazon.com about affairs and how to deal with them. I guess I am just looking for any guidance or words of wisdom from anyone who is willing to share it with me. Sorry about rambling!!!

First...Put any wedding plans on hold!!!<BR>If you and he both are truly willing to work together, with honesty and effort, to improve your relationship, it might be possible.<BR>BUT, please think about whther you really want to...you have no marriage vow to bind you right now. Why do you say he is the best thing that has ever happened to you? Look at it...<BR>he is unfaithful<BR>he is is a liar<BR>he is selfish sexually<BR>he doesn't really want to work<BR>he has already shoved and bruised you<P>Think hard about why you want him...You are a precious, unique individual who deserves an honest, loving relationship...<BR>Kathi<BR>

hurt1,<P>This is a marriage builders forum, but you are not married yet. Therefore, the advice I am going to give you will not violate the spirit of this forum. You should not marry this man!!!!<P>Please step back and look. Read the infidelity forum and look at the pain of people trying to get over the infidelity of their spouse. You have already had a taste of it and you are not married. He gave your engagement ring to the OW and more.<P>You know sometimes it is difficult to read messages from God, but dear Lady this message anyone can read. You have been given the greatest gift you can imagine. You know the type of man you were about to marry. Marriage does not change people. Commitment is a moral choice and your fiance has none.<P>Get out of this relationship. There roughly 75 million adult males in this country. Many of them are looking for mates. Please find one that will love you, take care of you, and charish you. They are out there and there is more than one for you. <P>I know I am sugar coating my advice . So here is what I am really thinking: Are you nuts? <P>This man has cheated on you, lied to you, and continues to play with your mind and emotions. It won't get better. He has no moral compass. Please Please don't make this very obvious mistake. Reread what you have posted and ask yourself; "If my best friend wrote this, what in all good conscience would I tell her?" I think you will know what to tell your best friend. Don't do it.<P>God Bless You and give you the strength to do the right thing.<P>JL

kam6318 - I say these thing s because he never used to do any of them to me...He was the perfect man. He never was stingy in the bedroom totally the opposite. He never lied to me. He never hurt me. I provoked him pushing me in the first place. He always has worked. He always showed me love and affection. Why can't I have it back??? Why can't things go back to normal??? I have very strong realtionships with his family. I am like their own daughter. I just want to things to go back like they were. Why is that so much to ask? I know that I am not married to him yet but I still feel like we have something wirth fighting for. My friends have already told me to leave him and if my mother ever found out she would probablly kill him. But they all say the same thing. We support you in your decision. I love this man so much...Why? Am I just being blind?

People tend to put on their best behavior at the beginning of the relationship...I'd guess you are now seeing more of what he is really made of. Your story reminds me a lot of my best friend years ago...she married him (after he promised to change, of course), and their marriage led to 4 kids...2 other girlfriends (that she knew about)...3 broken bones...lots of unpaid bills, including the one she got stuck with when he put her in the hospital...she finally left after that.<BR>Again, you deserve better than my crystal ball forsees for you. Why on earth would you want someone like you describe in your post?<BR>Kathi<BR>

I agree with the rest. Re-read your Post, as if your best friend wrote it, and ask yourself if you would want your best friend to marry this man.<P>What Kam said is accurate. People tend to be on their best behavior at the beginning of the relationship. You don't really know a person until you live with them.<P>Well...now that you are living with your boyfriend, you are finding out what he is capable of. He has a lot of things going against him. Most likely, if you marry him, your relationship will not work out.<P>Save yourself a lot of heartache and break off this relationship. It looks like he is already breaking it off with you anyway.<P>Take all that your learn from this Marriage Builders forum. When you meet a person who is worthy of you, you will be a step ahead in building a wonderful & meaningful relationship.<P>This guy isn't the one for you.

Welcome <B>hurt1</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>Now... about your post...<BR><B>Please save your life... leave this man</B>!!!!<P>If you read through all that this site has to offer... one interesting fact is that a betrayed is recommended to work on rebuilding the marriage(if the affair continues) for about 2 years...<P>Your quote "We have been together for almost 2 years"... is very prophetic!<P>Why 2 years...<BR>...because a new relationship goes through a period of about 2 years of "fantasy"... of "nothing is wrong"...<P>Your fiancee's 2 years is up...<BR>He has treated <B>you</B> as he will this OW as a standard 2 year affair... and has dropped you... and will drop her.<P><B>Just Learning</B> is so right...<BR>...there are so many "good" men in the world... who believe in fidelity... who have the morals(not contaminated by the narsicistic world)... who can form a relationship with you that can grow healthy.<P>I never want to put anyone down... but your finacee is in a stage of addiction... that will last quite a while.<P>If you read the posts... you will find that most betrayed's hands are tied... with very limited choices... Read about <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>... and see that when an affair is on... these are truly <B>devasting</B> times for the betrayed... agonizing and tortuous.<P>Your loyalty to him is something you're questioning... You need not... He is addicted as surely as a drug addict or alcoholic... Would you marry either one... until they healed themselves(it is only <B>they</B> who can do this... <B>NOT YOU</B>.)<P>At least hold back on the marriage...<P>Love yourself...<BR>...and indirectly your fiancee... by giving him the time to heal himself!<P>We care about you... <BR>We care about your fiancee... <BR>But... neither of us (you or us) can do it for him!<P>Best Wishes...<P>Jim

Why do you think he will be a good husband? What if any sign has he shown you to-date that would indicate husband material? What is going to happen when you walk down the isle? Is a light going to appear and he be miracialously changed? Think about my friend, turning and walking away before you get in any deeper would be the best decision of you life.

He was the perfect man until he knew he had you! Now you're an old toy. God help you if you marry him. Love is a strong drug though so you'll probably not heed anyone's advice here and marry him anyway. <BR>Many people were begged by friends and relatives not to have affairs against their families and spouses, but they did anyway. So go ahead and wreck you're life. Most people here are already the recipient of the pain caused by infidels that couldn't take honest, straightforward advice either. Peace Lover