My husband, Bob had a one night stand in Japan while on business. I found out 7 days ago and have been in denial. Now, I am searching for help. This is the second marriage for both and we have 4 daughters between us (9,10,10,13). It is very hard to act normal around them. this one-night stand happened in a bar while he was drinking and he doesn't know her name or whether or not it was a prostitute. He was unsuccessful in the act - unable to keep it up (HA HA HA) but still had penetration and now the fear of disease. He didn't stay when he was unsuccessful so he says it was a 5 minute 'event' plus of course flirting time. I am angry, as if you couldn't tell, and need help.

Welcome <B>Verda</B>...<P>I'm truly sorry this has happend to you... and to your husband.<P>Before I give you a <B>link</B> to the normal welcome post... a few thoughts...<P>One night stands <B>are</B> a form of infidelity and as such need to be countered as much as full blown lengthy emotional/physical affairs.<P>Perhaps some time in investigating both of his and your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> should be taken.<P>There is an <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A> you can pull down and then (with your H if it is possible) fill it out (one for each of you)... to identify what may be missing in your relationship.<P>There may not be an immediate need for counseling... but that is always an option.<P>For now... what would be your best behavior... I would recommend you get on board with what we here at MB refer to as <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>What is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>?... you may be asking.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (page 77 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... in essence, represents 1/2 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...i.e.<OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL><P>OK... Now for my normal info on good links... <P>I have a post that has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>I'm sure you'll have a lot more questions...<BR>Keep posting... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited February 12, 2000).]

Verda -- As my friend Jim said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>One night stands are a form of infidelity and as such need to be countered as much as full blown lengthy emotional/physical affairs.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I think in many ways, that a one night stand can be more devastating than a long lasting affair. At least in a long lasting affair, there was/is some attempt at building a relationship of sorts. In a one night stand, the betrayer is simply saying "I don't care about my spouse, so what the h#ll i'll f___ this one."<P>Probably not the notion many on this forum would agree with, but for me it is very real.<P>As for the possibility of an STD . . . My W had a "one night stand" and we will forever live with an STD as a result.<P>Hang in there. This is really a wonderful place, and you will find many caring understanding friends here.<P>God Bless

Thanks for the 2 responses. We are talking and doing some work towards staying together. Unfortunately, the children are seeing this and that is affecting them. I believe, maybe naievely, that a one night stand is not as devastating as a full blown affair. I experienced 2 of those with my ex and once he left me he had left emotionally as well as physically. I felt like it was so much my fault and tried desperately to improve myself and give him what he needed without knowing what that was. What Bob did is unbelievably hard to cope with but atleast I know he still loves me and wants to be with me. I believe that his telling the truth says something about his character because I lived with the lies of my ex for so long. Does anyone out there agree with me?