Prior to me asking my wife to marry me, she told me she had a short relationship with a woman, but hadn't gotten far into the relationship before it was ripped apart by outside circumstances, but she never expressed further feeling for women. My wife and I married six years ago, and soon after I adopted her one-year-old daughter from her previous marriage. Our marriage has been great emotionally, physically, and sexually. Since our marriage we have had two more children, which all three are now 7, 5, and 3. I admit things haven't been perfect. I have moved our family from Florida to Michigan back to Florida and finally back to Michigan because of my job, in the first three-and-a-half years of our marriage. For two of those years I was more committed to my job than my family.<P>A few weeks ago my wife started expressing that she had been trying to suppress her bi-sexual feelings for many years, but she no longer could. Originally I was O.K. with this and supported her wants and needs. I felt that this wouldn't affect our marriage, because I know she loves me. However, she rapidly fell head-over-heals for this lady. I guess the reality of it began to hit me, as jealousy and fear began to build. I finally broke down one day, and felt that she was going to have to make a choice between our family and these feelings. I just couldn't understand her situation. For several days both of us couldn't eat or sleep, and I new making her make that kind of choice was wrong. I almost destroyed our marriage that day.<P>After a couple of days thinking and soul-searching I agreed we should try having an "open marriage". I still don't know if this is the right decision, but I know we love each other and the kids, and she seem much more at ease with herself since this lady has come into her life. I am even handling it better. She is now trying to determine if she is bi or actually a lesbian. I feel she is bi, but only she can make that call. I just don't know what to do from here. Can our marriage remain in tact? Will it be the same? How will this affect the kids? I have so many questions and no answers. I would like to know how other people in this same situation have handled it and what was there outcome.<P>She says I am free to find someone outside our marriage, but I don't think I should. But I understand why she thinks that. I have committed my life to her. Everything we have done, we have done together. Neither of us have really had any "friends", other than ourselves. Maybe that is part of the problem? We have talked more in the last week then ever before, so that is good. She never complained about our sex life, but I have now found out that she felt I wanted sex too much. Maybe this can bring good to our family?<BR>

jpstewart,<P>Hello and welcome to MarriageBuilders. Please read the thread General Welcome for Newbies by NSR. He is our offical unoffical greeter.<P>You are in a very sticky situation here, I can almost hear the confusion and pain in your post.<P>My H and I had a semi-open marriage in the early years. Meaning we had some friends we would swap with. <P>This did not help our marriage, in fact it made me feel that I wasn't special to my H, that any woman could do for him what I did. <BR>That feeling continues today more than 20 years later.<P>I'm nothing special, any woman could take my place, no problem.<P>It sounds as if your wife wants you to look for another partner to help ease her feelings of guilt. <P>Sex is never "just sex", people develope strong feelings for each other when they are making love. It can't be helped, we are just wired that way. <P>There are one night stands of course, but why put yourself, your w, and your children in that type of danger ?<P>There are so many STD's out there and condoms are not 100% effective in stoping the spreading of these STD's.<P><BR>I would advise you not to go the open marriage route, very few marriages can survive it. <P>Maybe someone else who is better able to express thier feelings on this will come along soon. Don't think no one cares if they don't, we do care, but the weekends are slow times here. <P>I suggest you read everything on this board, and don't feel like you are the only man here who has been where you are. We have had several men who have had thier wives leave them for other women. Yours is still home.<P>Maybe you could print out 2 copy's of the emotional needs questionair, one for you ,one for w. fill them out seperately, in diffrent rooms, you must both be 100% honest, you can't say something because you think thats what your spouse expects you to say. Then exchange copys, see what is really important to your spouse. And work as hard as you can to meet those needs.<P>Also read about Plan A , it's hard to do sometimes, but we have had a lot of folks here who have had success with it. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

where can I find the emotional needs questionair?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bozos_ Deb:<BR><B>jpstewart,<P>Hello and welcome to MarriageBuilders. Please read the thread General Welcome for Newbies by NSR. He is our offical unoffical greeter.<P>You are in a very sticky situation here, I can almost hear the confusion and pain in your post.<P>My H and I had a semi-open marriage in the early years. Meaning we had some friends we would swap with. <P>This did not help our marriage, in fact it made me feel that I wasn't special to my H, that any woman could do for him what I did. <BR>That feeling continues today more than 20 years later.<P>I'm nothing special, any woman could take my place, no problem.<P>It sounds as if your wife wants you to look for another partner to help ease her feelings of guilt. <P>Sex is never "just sex", people develope strong feelings for each other when they are making love. It can't be helped, we are just wired that way. <P>There are one night stands of course, but why put yourself, your w, and your children in that type of danger ?<P>There are so many STD's out there and condoms are not 100% effective in stoping the spreading of these STD's.<P><BR>I would advise you not to go the open marriage route, very few marriages can survive it. <P>Maybe someone else who is better able to express thier feelings on this will come along soon. Don't think no one cares if they don't, we do care, but the weekends are slow times here. <P>I suggest you read everything on this board, and don't feel like you are the only man here who has been where you are. We have had several men who have had thier wives leave them for other women. Yours is still home.<P>Maybe you could print out 2 copy's of the emotional needs questionair, one for you ,one for w. fill them out seperately, in diffrent rooms, you must both be 100% honest, you can't say something because you think thats what your spouse expects you to say. Then exchange copys, see what is really important to your spouse. And work as hard as you can to meet those needs.<P>Also read about Plan A , it's hard to do sometimes, but we have had a lot of folks here who have had success with it. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

never mind, I found it.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bozos_ Deb:<BR><B>jpstewart,<P>Hello and welcome to MarriageBuilders. Please read the thread General Welcome for Newbies by NSR. He is our offical unoffical greeter.<P>You are in a very sticky situation here, I can almost hear the confusion and pain in your post.<P>My H and I had a semi-open marriage in the early years. Meaning we had some friends we would swap with. <P>This did not help our marriage, in fact it made me feel that I wasn't special to my H, that any woman could do for him what I did. <BR>That feeling continues today more than 20 years later.<P>I'm nothing special, any woman could take my place, no problem.<P>It sounds as if your wife wants you to look for another partner to help ease her feelings of guilt. <P>Sex is never "just sex", people develope strong feelings for each other when they are making love. It can't be helped, we are just wired that way. <P>There are one night stands of course, but why put yourself, your w, and your children in that type of danger ?<P>There are so many STD's out there and condoms are not 100% effective in stoping the spreading of these STD's.<P><BR>I would advise you not to go the open marriage route, very few marriages can survive it. <P>Maybe someone else who is better able to express thier feelings on this will come along soon. Don't think no one cares if they don't, we do care, but the weekends are slow times here. <P>I suggest you read everything on this board, and don't feel like you are the only man here who has been where you are. We have had several men who have had thier wives leave them for other women. Yours is still home.<P>Maybe you could print out 2 copy's of the emotional needs questionair, one for you ,one for w. fill them out seperately, in diffrent rooms, you must both be 100% honest, you can't say something because you think thats what your spouse expects you to say. Then exchange copys, see what is really important to your spouse. And work as hard as you can to meet those needs.<P>Also read about Plan A , it's hard to do sometimes, but we have had a lot of folks here who have had success with it. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:59 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

(A copy of what I responded to you with from the General Questions" forum)<P>Welcome <B>jpstewart</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>You really aren't alone in this situation...<BR>One fellow "<B>ThisAlex</B>" posts a lot and his situation is somewhat similar...<BR>You might try in your post "subject" to call upon him... or mention that question revolves around a bi-sexual mate.<P>Personally, I don't go for an "open marriage" solution... but definitely bring to up on the forum.<P>Best wishes...<P>Jim

It is obvious that you are under much turmoil. I sense that you love your wife very much and would like to get back to the way things were. You also sound very understanding, maybe too understanding? I'm unsure what your best course of action is but I would like to share some thoughts(for what they are worth) <P>Make a stand. Maybe giving your wife freedom is not the best move. Let her know that you feel strongly that you love her and believe your marriage could work; that you are willing to do what it takes if she will commit to seeking outside help and consider ending her affair. The longer the extra-marital relationship continues the worse off you will be. Believe it or not, you will become resentful of this other relationship, if you haven't already. Ask her to take the time to commit herself to recovery and seek help you can both live with. You have a right to make this request!!