I am interested in getting some feedback on anyone that has been involeved with an "open marriage" experience. If you read my profile you will understand why I am asking this question.

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

jpstewart,<P>I read your profile and later post and decided to post to this one only because there were fewer posts in here...<P>Open marriages seem to generally not work long term and I believe the answer lies in that the couples are not prepared sufficiently, emotionally mentally spiritually and physically....<P>Emotionally: <BR>They dont communicate their feelings to each other very well and so there are many underlying feelings of excitement and negativity that never get said or spoken about within the marriage, mainly because the one who has these feelings feels guilty for having them and feel they are betraying their partner already without having done anything yet.....and the other senses there is something wrong and is afraid to ask in case it is real bad news or that they may be over reacting or being stupid because maybe its nothing etc......so these get buried and never exposed....not a good start to make a decision for trying open marriage.....<P>Mentally:<BR>There is little thought put into what the open marriage is about and what it will entail and should include or exclude....no concrete reasonable well thought out boundaries are set usually...and an ad hoc hope for the best attitude is taken because of fear of loss of one partner...as you have found ends in pain and feelings of betrayal...it does not matter whether it is a bi relationship or an infidelity situation with the opposite sex...the pain does not discriminate...it hurts just as much....<P>Spiritually:<BR>Not a lot of consideration is given to love and support and priorities...from both sides..!!! it is usually only the one who feels at a disadvantage that gives the support and espouses their love, hoping that everything will bo ok and the other will get over it and things will return to normal again...The spiritual essence of this is the love that can flow between the marriage partners when high priority is given to their marriage before all else and others..<P>Physically:<BR>Again open marriages break down when these boundaries are not identified with careful thought and consideration..and the one who is in "love" begins to ignore responsibilities of the marriage in favour of the time spent with the object of their "new found love"...<P>All the above are decisions that can be made and in most cases must be made if one is to have a "successful" open marriage...and why shouldnt it be taken seriously and planned very carefully to protect the marriage above all else... if that is what both partners want...??<P>I know some open marriages work very well, and those that do have very clear guidelines to follow...some of these are...(different for each as we are all individuals, but as a general guideline these may help a little)<P>Prioritise the marriage: make it no 1 at all costs....nothing comes first before the relationship between H & W....this is a must...and not that difficult to say to each other why..!!!<P>1. History...you have had a life together full of good and bad moments struggles and good times...memories that cannot be erased or repeated..all that is worth something and worth keeping together...<P>2. Kids... You have kids together that you both love and have had sleepless nights over....and have had tears of sheer joy over...and have had a heart so full of pride that it could burst over...and they and their memories together as a family are worth protecting into their future...<P>3. Love...you have shared a love that has known depression...that has known ecstacy...that has known sheer joy...that has lasted this long thu sickness...thru health...thru failure...thru success...the test of time....that has seen seasons come and go...that has walked hand in hand in friendship and honour thru life together...that is worth more than money or another relationship based on the glitz of fantasy that an exciting estatic sexual liason can bring...<P>4..Financial: You have built a life together thus far and you have invested time and money into this relationship...and you can count the cost in money terms....how much is your house worth car furniture insurance clothes etc etc etc etc...it has to be worth protecting...<P>5. Family: You will all get hurt if this falls apart...not only the H & W and kids...but parents brothers and sisters uncles and aunties...close friends...and those workmates that care for you...these are worth protecting by prioritising your marriage!!!!<P>6. Growth love and joy: There is no nicer joy than to enjoy your sexuality with someone else in freedom knowing you are loved and supported by your best friend and life companion your H or W it is easy to love a W or H who loves you and honours you with respect and kindness...and shares their soul with you in this manner..an openess of everything with each other only builds this bond of understanding further...<BR>There is no greater growth you can share than the challenges of fear insecurity and threat of loss, if you can share these openly with your spouse....and there is no greater joy than that when you conquer these demons together....<P>These are so important to the success of this kind of lifestyle, and its not easy to achieve...a lot of discussion...soul searching...introspection and strict honesty with self is required....<P>Those who opt for an open marriage to try to rectify a problem existing in the relationship are doomed to failure...running away from the problem does not make it go away....it makes the problem larger so that you cannot come back together..<P>I dont know if all this can help you much in your situation but perhaps it may give you some insight that you can apply..?<P>Good luck..<P>cossie<P><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>