I have been married for 7 years. I met a man online last February and had an emotional affair with him for 6 months. The physical affair took place over one weekend. I have not seen or spoken to this man since I ended our affair via a letter last March (and I never want to hear from or see him again). No one knows about the affair except ME, the man I cheated with, my marriage builders counselor and God. I don't want my marriage to end. I want desperately to make things "new" again. I have suffered through depression, thoughts of suicide and overwhelming guilt for almost a year now. I realize that my suffering is nothing compared to how my precious husband will suffer once I tell him how I've betrayed him. Can someone tell me how I will get through this? Yes, I know that there's no punishment too horrible for me. Can someone tell me what I can expect my husband to experience? I'm new, so I posted a message similar to this in the "RECOVERY" forum. Please excuse the minor annoyance of having a message posted in the wrong forum! I appreciate any insight/advice. Thanks.

Just noticed you posted this over here too! I just responded to your other one on the "recovery" board. So here I go again...<P>Hi Jill:<P>I'm still pretty new here myself. Welcome to this site. You will get SO much advice and support from this site. <P>However, you should probably post this in the General Questions section - it's busier on that board. (which you've already done! Great! )<P>I am a betrayed. Discovery for me was Jan. 20th. I unfortunately found out with a letter being sent to me. My H has stopped the affair<BR>the day of discovery, thank goodness. <P>Your H will go through some major emotions once you tell him. And I think you should. That's one of the Basic Concepts for a healthy marriage - total honesty. I am proud of you for coming here and wanting to tell your husband. That's a step in the right direction! <P>It will be hard. At first, when I confronted my H, and he finally admitted it, I told him I wanted him to leave. We are married 5-1/2 years, together a total of 8. My situation's a bit different, not just being a betrayed but by my H being an alcoholic, it throws even a bigger wrench into the situation.<P>Don't expect your H to forgive you right away. It takes time to digest something as devastating as this. I hope and pray that he will want to work it out with you.<P>I would tell him about this site, and if he's willing to work with you (since the affair's been over for almost a year), get into counseling immediately.<P>Get Harley's book, Surviving An Affair. It's a great book - it's very hard to read (for me at least - emotion wise) but the information is a God Send. The other book I'm reading by Harley is His Needs Her Needs. <P>I wish you the best of luck when you decide to have this conversation with your H. We are all here for you and your H. Betrayers and<BR>Betrayed alike. We all support one another. I think that's what helps us all out the most. We can all get the insight of "the other side".<P>Read through some of the posts, and see how others are handling their situations. There is a wealth of information here for you.<P>If you want to email me to talk further it's purplemag@aol.com. Always willing to lend an ear - or eyes and fingers for that matter! <P>Jill, good luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Let us know how it goes!<P>purplemag - dana

purplemag:<P>Thank you for taking the time to respond! Since I am new here, I was afraid that no one would want to help me since I am a betrayer (I know that's not how things work here, I'm just telling you my fear). Your response meant alot to me because, for the past year, I've dealt with this horrible secret all alone. I've often wondered: Am I the only one in the world who has ever done something so horrible to someone else? I've been wondering how my husband would react...in my mind, I've played out how I would tell him and what he would say...how I would cry and beg forgiveness...how he would cry in disbelief and anguish. Seeing what others (betrayed and betrayer) have to say is helping me to prepare emotionally for the day that I will reveal this secret to my husband. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for responding to me. I know that I don't deserve help from anyone here. I was just praying that I would find one heart here who was willing to reach out and help/comfort my heart. Thank you for your honesty and advice (I've already read "His Needs/Her Needs" -- I am planning on purchasing the book "Surviving an Affair"). I pray that your heart will be filled with peace. Love, Jill

Jill:<P>I can tell by your words you have a big heart! People will respond. And don't think you don't deserve to have their responses. We are here to help both!<P>I'm touched that I have been able to give you some comfort. That makes me feel wonderful! Because you are reaching out, because you want to make a difference, that's why you deserve help and support. <P>You understand that this will cause pain to your H. You know what kind of pain it has caused you already. It sounds like you really want this marriage to work, and I think that will come through when you talk with your H. <P>He probably won't understand at first, but I think after it gets talked through and you realize why you had the affair, you can begin working on your marriage and making it stronger and more beautiful than it ever was.<P>It's a shame we all (both betrayer and betrayed) seem to find out when it's "too late". But is it really? I do not condone what my H did, however, he has been sober now for 4 weeks, we're both in counseling, and we have a better relationship now than we ever had. Even when we were dating. I have to remember that's what it's all about.<P>There were reasons for his betrayal, unfortunately, the only thing I didn't do for his emotional needs, was give him acceptance for his drinking. That's what the OW gave to him. He found his acceptance, but also realized, that's not what he needed. He needed to take responsibility for his own life and what he was doing not only to the marriage but to others in his life. I just thank God that it happened sooner rather than later.<P>He's a good man. I think he can see that too. Unfortunately, it took this to find it. So as much as I hate what he and the OW did, I also have to embrace what came out of it.<P>I hope and pray that your H will find that too. Good luck! My thoughts and prayers are with you! <P>Please, keep us posted and let us know how you're doing. It's going to be a rough road, but you're strong, and seem dedicated to making this marriage work. You have that behind you to push you forward.<P>Good luck! - dana

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

The feelings I experienced when I found out were as follows:<P>1. I am SO STUPID for not seeing this!<BR>2. I don't know this person I thought I knew.<BR>3. How can I get over this.<BR>4. He better do EVERYTHING in his power to make this up to me.<BR>5. How can I be sure it won't happen again?<P>Hope this helps.

My husband found out about my affair (which started on line) after the second time I met with the OM. So I can't give any advice on how you should break the news to him.<BR> <BR>My husband was full of questions about how it started and wanted details, details, details. Even to the extent of the sexual act itself (because I did sleep with him once). That was the part that was the hardest. I would open my mouth to speak and nothing would come out. I knew I had already ripped his guts out by having the affair, I didn't want to stomp on them by giving full details of the sex I had with the OM. But he really felt he needed to know. So I answered every question he had about it.<P>Just let him ask questions and answer them honestly. I am not so sure they really want to know about EVERY gory detail so I think maybe letting him ask questions would be the way to go. That way you won't give more information than he is ready to hear. He may not be ready for the full course all in one day. Let him tell you when he needs fed more information.<P>And don't be surprised if out of nowhere he starts to ask questions. Sometimes I am taken off guard, like in bed just as we are ready to fall asleep. There could be 15 min of silence and just as I am ready to drift off he will just start talking and we end up in a 2 hour conversation about the OM. <P>Hope this helps. Good luck to you.<p>[This message has been edited by trying to rebuild (edited February 17, 2000).]

Welcome <B>Jill</B>...<P>Do not be afraid...<BR>We are here to help everyone... <BR>Wayward... Betrayed... even the OP...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>We have recently chnaged the format around here recently... we now have 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responss! <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited February 17, 2000).]

Thank you to everyone who offered help/advice. I posted a longer response over in the "recovery" forum. Yes, I know --I posted in the wrong place to begin with, and now look what I've caused! <P>Once again, thank you all for allowing me a place to express my thoughts and to learn from you. Love, Jill

Jill, I am the betrayed and just found out 12 days ago my husband had a one night stand while on a business trip in Japan. He was drunk and when he came home he told me. I know it was the most difficult thing he has ever had to do. He took the risk that I would leave him (still his biggest fear) and that revealing the event would change our relationship forever. He came home knowing he would eventually tell me- it took 8 hours until it came out but I 'admire' him for telling. My first husband left me in agony of knowing something was wrong for 4 months. That was the worst for me -trying to fix something I didn't know had happened. I have been through 3 affairs (2 with the first and 1 with the second. Knowing and then having the opportunity to grieve, get angry, talk, hold one another and most of all cry is the best way to begin the healing of the event. I know I want to know every gory detail about the sex but have not had the guts to ask and don't know if I should because of how it could make me feel. I have the mental movies of what happened running through my head constantly and that is the worst part right now. I have lost 10 pounds in 11 days. I don't want to eat, but my husband and I are talking and suporting one another and trying to move forward. The HONESTY is important -Keeping the secret is harmful to the foundation of your marriage and commitment to one another. There are days where I feel OK for short periods of time but 90% is consumption with the affair. My job is suffering but I received some great advise from another on line friend - Everyone makes mistakes - Forgiveness, Patience, and understanding are virtues that can never be underestimated when it comes to making true love work. It helped me alot and I have written it where I can read it often through the day. Be patient and allow him his full emotions. Goood Luck

Hi Jill,<P>Gee you certainly are layin a big trip on yourself over what is considered a real big sin....we all make mistakes if you want to call it that....but truly in my book there are no mistakes only lessons to learn from...<P>Everyone here is here because in some way or another they have been affected by infidelity....and all have felt the devastation and pain of that...all have much perspective to offer from experience and are doing that very well...<P>I will offer you another perspective a little different to those posted already that may not be accepted too well by most but may give you something else to look at and consider...not a judgement or put down in any way...this is not to put more rocks on than you have got.....this is to make you think about why you feel guilty and what is going on deep down inside of you...and deal with that with the minimum of pain for many others hopefully perhaps..?<P>There are only two reasons people feel guilty ....one is to prove that they care and the other is to clear the way if it should happen again....in other words if I punish myself enough everybody can see how I have suffered so and when I think they have seen enough of my suffering I can feel ok again ... so where would your H be in that..? and what about your kids if you have any..?<P>We all do this (feel guilty about some thing or other) so you are not unique nor wrong or bad or sinful etc ...you are just being a human being with all its frailties and shortcomings...learn from the guilt you feel...drop it... not by putting it on someone else to relieve it in the guise of being honest...do it yourself and take responsibility for the actions you did...have you not suffered enough for what you did...? do others now have to suffer as well for what you did too and perhaps for a lifetime now..? <P>Consider that you would be hurting others in order that you can feel better...and justify it by saying that you are being honest...this clearly would devastate him family friends and children...and create such havoc in their lives...? do they deserve this..? is it worth that much to you for them to suffer so..?? I know it would make you feel better in one sense ... but what about them who are innocent..?<P>Let it drop....go to counselling to get to the bottom of why you want to keep feeling guilty...the kindest thing you can do is to work on this problem on your own and deal with it on your own with help from whoever then drop it big time and get on with your life and family...<P>Why am I saying all this ..? because I too was a betrayer and wanted to be honest and told my W.... it was so devastating and affected her life and my childrens lives so much it took me years and a lot of therapy to find out that I wanted to hurt her deep down and wanted to be free of my guilt by telling her....<P>Then could not understand when she left me..? it took years of therapy many tears, soul searching and dam hard work to get our marriage back together, but we did I am glad to say....but given it over again and armed with what I know now I would never had told her and would have dealt with it all on my own rather than have her and the kids suffer as they did and still bear some of the scars today some 19 years later...<P>Not the right way not the wrong way only another to consider...in the end you will do what you feel is right for you and it will be...you are the only person who can make the choice for you....<P>Listen to your gut feel and intuition..then hear very carefully what you listened to and consider your inner motivations, they will reveal much to you...you are much much stronger than the lady you portray and wish others to see....guilt masquerades as many things and is a good teacher...<P>I dont get in here often these days but if you wish to contact me I am on the list that was floating around in here some months ago...**edit** and would be happy to help if I can...<P>regards<P>cossie<P><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

Hi Jill,<BR>You got a lot of responses so far, and they all have something to tell you in for your situation. Your instincts for your relationship will guide you best of all along with the ideas you get from this forum and the books already mentioned.<BR>I found out about my wife's one night stand almost three years ago and due to both of our fumbling and lack of trust at times, are still working thru things.<BR>For my part I will say that the HARDEST part of this was the sexual details that sometimes were hinted for (of course hoping that he was fat and no good) to getting WAY more information than was needed or wanted after awhile. They say don't ask if you can't handle the answer, but I thought that the answers would come with a side note to make it easier to swallow. Didn't happen that way and a counsoler told me that an affair is an act of anger....and for our marriage I can say that is true. <BR>Tryingtorebuild<BR>I'm very curious how your H handled the details...and do you think men have a harder time with the "mental pictures" for the most part. My wife came home with a story about the "date" and how great it was without finishing "the rest of the story" until the next night. Along with pictures of them (on the date".<BR>After all this time, and for OUR circumstances, I would say I was better off not knowing the whole truth. Maybe if my wife had a better understanding and wasn't so angry at me and herself...it would have been ok. I think Cossie hit home for me for some good points.<BR>Think before you say anything..the words you say can be burned in your husbands heart for a long time and somethings can never be taken back.<BR>I wish you well

I recently found out about my husbands betrayal. He was sneaking out with this girls and had sex once (at least thats what I have been told). The girl was a close friend of mine.
I am sorry for what you are going through. I decided to write to say a couple of things that made my nightmare even worse so you can avoid them.
1. Getting the news accidentally. I was alone in a new city with no family or friends and my husband was away in a trip for 2 weeks. I found out by myself and was calling people to confort me. It was awful. It would've been so much easier and less traumatic if he just told me. And I probably would've been more understanding in the long run. Now I don't believe anything. Not even my eyes. My advise is to become clean before he finds out by himself. And the sooner the better.
2. The affair is what will distroy him, not you telling him the truth. I mean, the harm is already done, and he needs to know what harm you did. Some people believe is better to hide painful things and only stick to the general facts. That might be true. In my case, I needed to "rebuild" my memories and gain a sense of reality. My husband told me the truth in pieces and after a month and a half I still don't feel I have the truth. I cant trust him, because he has lied to me and hidded so many things. Once i started accepting my new reality and my new past, something new came up and I had to start all over again. it was more traumatic for me not knowing. I wish he afronted this differently.
3. Understand extreme reactions. Be patient. Be truthful. Answer all questions, after that ask if he wants to know more details, maybe he doesn't. Questions will be repeated and just answer them again and again. I think this is an unconscious way to validate what the unfaithful parter is saying. Tell him what you have learned and why it wouldn't happen again. Tell him how special he is to you and how nobody else could replace that space.
I hope this helps.

This is an odd post. This poster (Jill) hasn't posted in a number of years. In fact, this post is from five years ago! I doubt she is still with us.

Nat