I just recently registered for the BB but I have been reading everything on the MB site and reading the articles on the BB since Nov. 99. I'm new to the posting stuff so please excuse me if I violate any "rules."<BR>My story is a long one which seems like it could be a perfect episode (or two) for a soap opera. You can read my bio for some of the details.<BR>To make a long story a bit shorter:<BR>I knew my wife was having an affair in October of 99. She just revealed to me on Feb. 13 that she was having an "emotional affair."<BR>I have doing Plan A since I first read things on this site.<BR>My question is: I have been struggling with whether or not I should contact the OM. Do I call him and ask him to stay away from my wife? Would it do any good to let him know that this relationship is hurting me and that there is a person on the other side?<BR>Any help and/or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!<BR>Looking forward to hearing your responses.<BR>Doug<BR><P>------------------<BR>Don't give up...don't ever give up!" --Jimmy Valvano

Wish I had an answer. It really depends on your situation. I know in my own situation I wanted to "see the competition" because I didn't know her. Also my husband produced a child by her and I needed to determine if I could stand this lifelong situation with the OW needing child support, etc. Don't know if asking the OM to stay away from your wife will do any good. I've always held my husband with an "open hand" thinking he would honor my loving freedom and not stray. He did anyway. Then I see people who track there spouses night and day. Their spouses stray,too. So sorry, there's no exact answer. Each of us is just living one day at a time, one foot in front of the other hoping the pain of betrayal will decrease with time. Peace lover

KindaBlue,<P>This is <B>not</B> really a hard one to answer...<BR>All the other veterans here will tell you the same thing...<P><B>Leave the OM alone</B>!<P>It is part of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> to <B>not</B> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bust</A>.<P>Contacting the OM is a big <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A> +99% of the time! It invariable makes your spouse have sympathy of the OM... and does you no good. The person you have to convince is your spouse!<P>It's so tempting... you have visions of incredible progress... you have ideas of professing "righteousness"...<BR>...all this isn't going to help your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> one bit!<P>What you have to show your W is that you are the better man... You can't do that by being vindictive... or even just "right".<P>I hope some of the other veterans chime in here... weekends are slow... but you never know...<P>You may have seen this post already... but just as a reference I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>Jim

Thanks Jim and PL...<P>You guys helped me make it through another tough day!!! <P>I had it set in my mind when I woke up this morning that I was going to confront this guy and get him out of our lives once and for all...but obviously I was still in a dream! I knew that that was not the right thing to do, but the "anger" side was really pushing hard. Once I saw your replies, the "reasonable" side of me took over and didn't do it. <P>Thanks again for the support and suggestions!<P>------------------<BR>Don't give up...don't ever give up!" --Jimmy Valvano

Kindablue,<BR>well...I think I had no choice, I had to contact the OM because our sons sports season was about to restart and we would be seeing each other weekly, which we do. But...I waited for two months so I could have a calm talk, otherwise it would have been ugly. I called him first, I told him no more emailings, no calls, contact was going to happen anyway, so I had to set rules and guidlines for him. He appoligized all over the place because I told him if he did not comply I would tell his W, who does not know. I know now that I should of told her according to SH' guidelines, but I gave my word I would not, unless he didn't anything stupid. He has not, so its ok for now. My W was dropping my Son at practice and staying too long talking to him and other parents, I was at work, she was convicted by the Holy Spirit on that and stopped. Its been a tough recovery but going real good. SO...unlesss you have a sitsuation like I had, you might reconsider? I also felt I had to look him in the eye, ya a man to man thing..."??weird<P>------------------<BR>jnvc

Thanks to everyone for the advice!!<P>UPDATE: I have not made any contact with the OM. Things have going good this week (I think) so I did not want to do anything stupid to mess it up.<P>My W and I had a nice long talk yesterday. She still says that she does not know if she loves me or if there are any feelings there. This is why she is unable to commit to trying to make things work. I had printed out some articles from the forum and she did read them. She told me that maybe she would like to read some others....sometime. <P>She still has not given me an answer for sure on whether or not she is going to break contact with him. She tells me that she has not talked to him last Sunday (Feb. 13). She said she left a message on his voice mail that they needed to talk. He hasn't called her back. I tried to suggest writing him a letter, but she didn't go for that idea. I think that she thinks that she can still have contact with him and not have any emotional "connection" to him. I'm not sure how deep the emotional attachment is...maybe that can happen....I don't think so, but I don't know what to think right now.<P>She did give me some information on him. Get this...he is divorced. Anyone want to guess why he is divorced????? He was on a cruise with his wife and another couple and he caught his wife in bed with his best friend. I guess this happened about 2 years ago. Is there some connection there??????<P>This fact really scares me. He has been burned before, you would think he would understand the pain more than anyone. But, I'm wondering if this is just a "revenge" thing. No, I have never met the guy or even talked to him or seen him, but that is just a thought. Something tells me he is not going to away easily.<P>------------------<BR>Don't give up...don't ever give up!" --Jimmy Valvano

KindaBlue:<P>For what it's worth, I <I>did</I> contact the OM when I found out about W's affair. It didn't do me a lick of good. I wrote a letter to his wife telling HER what happened and asking her to tell him to leave her alone. Guess what he did the day he saw the letter? He wrote a card to my W. Fat lotta good my contact did, right?<P>Don't do it. If he cared about your feelings, he wouldn't be having an affair with your wife. Just concentrate on yourself and your wife. THAT is what matters.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>