I have learned thru snooping in his private email that my husband of almost 20 yrs is actively seeking gay encounters. My husband told me after our 2nd child was born that he was struggling with being gay. He had been unfaithful he said. After alot of hard work I believed we were ok. This all happened 10yrs ago. He doesnt know that I am aware of his infidelities and because of my belief that I needed to protect him I have never dicussed any of these issues with any to this day. In fact I find that I have cut myself off from friendships that invole a deeper level of honesty and trust. We have 2 fantistic boys who adore their father I have no desire to hurt that relaitionship, but I am so deeply hurt angry emptyconfused that I feel that I am going around in a permanent fog. I feel like a pathectic little fool that I could have believed the life of lies that I have be living, but at the same I do at this time see any way out. From what I read it is pretty clear that for him it is a good setup. We come first and he can get a little on the side. Pray for me Jody

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:39 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Ahhh, Jody...I'm sorry for your pain. <P>Check out the site hanora suggested; her post is very helpful.<P>It's my personal opinion that everyone has bi-sexual urges to varying degrees even if they're unrecognized. (OK anybody who freaks out by that sentence--it's my opinion and we've all got 'em.) Most may never even act upon these urges. However, it seems the more open we become as a society toward alternative lifestyles, the more people ARE acting upon these tendencies whereas they might not have. To me, there's a good and bad result--society is more accepting of "differences," but another excuse for infidelity, and less control of STD's.<P>I saw the marriage of friends of my parents disintegrate as the H explored homosexuality. After the divorce, he moved in with his younger male interest. I believe they're still together today. The W could not tolerate his infidelity and was horrified by his "perversions." I remember thinking hmm, no chance of them patching it up now, she's blabbed a controversial subject to everyone they knew. So I respect the stance you've taken--not talking about it--and feel for your communication imprisonment at the same time. I'm glad you've found this site. <P>Male or female interests, your H is being unfaithful. That's the crux of the problem, as you well know. I'm sure it's more mind-boggling when considering how to resolve...how does a woman compete when it's a man in which your H is interested? Perhaps another poster has thoughts on what I'm about to ask: when a man in what we consider a "normal," heterosexual relationship begins to find interest in men, is it psychological fears present, such as of getting old/being less attractive? Are they relating to these men on a level inclusive of more than just sex? For example, does sex with an attractive man exhibit a desire your H might have to be more attractive himself, and sex WITH that man projects the feeling that he IS more attractive?<P>Questions, no advice, I fear. Keep posting. We'll try to help as much as we can, if nothing else, our available listening ears.

Hi there,<BR>If you read my profile you will see that I have been dealing with a similar situation- although in my case I am the betrayer. Although I have been going through a whole thing about whether or not I am a lesbian blah.. blah- the truth of the matter is- I am quite happy sexually with my H and have decided that although I have had thoughts and urges- I do not have to act on them- and that infidelity is infidelity no matter what the sex of the OP. I have finally- after much drama- concluded that I have true love- long lasting love- with my husband and that nothing else is more important.

If you want a checklist and pointers to resources, check out <A HREF="http://members.fortunecity.com/str8/str8talk." TARGET=_blank>http://members.fortunecity.com/str8/str8talk.</A> There are more people in your situation than you might think.

The basic, down to earth fact, is that he is being unfaithful and having affairs. Just because these affairs are with people of the same sex doesn't make it at all justifiable in any way. <P>I'm bisexual and told my future husband about my sexuality on our very first date together (he nearly fell off his chair in shock). However - I meant every word of my marriage vows and swore to be faithful to him, forsaking all others (of either sex) and he knew that I would keep my promise. Many years into our marriage he finally broached the subject again - explaining that he had matured a lot since we had first met and was now starting to feel curious about my sexuality instead of threatened by it. This lead to long, honest talks in which he came to understand that just because I was bisexual, it didn't mean that I was attracted to anything and everything in a skirt - a common misconception among heterosexuals. I also explained to him that he was the greatest love of my life, and that I was completely happy to have him as my only sexual partner because I didn't feel the need or temptation for anyone else. In actual fact, he then admitted to me that (like most men!) he sometimes fantasised about me being with another woman. Although I was willing to incorporate those fantasies verbally into our sex-life for him, I would never have wanted to live them out in real life because I simply didn't need to - he was giving me all the love, closeness and sexual fulfilment that I required and I certainly didn't want to risk anything that might jeapordise our relationship - if I went along with his wishes and he found out that he couldn't handle it after all, for example.<P>Your husband seems to have a very strong need for physical sex with other men - you have to accept the fact that this is a need which you can never fill. Only you know whether you can live with the knowledge that he must fill this particular need outside of your relationship, and this probably depends very much on how good his relationship with you actually is, and whether you are prepared to risk getting very hurt in the future if one of these physical relationships develops into an emotional attachment. As mentioned previously - safe sex is of the utmost importance to all of you, and unfortunately there are no 100% effective measures where this is concerned. It is a very, very risky situation. Your husband also needs to think whether he is prepared to give up completely this other life of his to ensure your safety and the future of your relationship. If he is not, then obviously this particular need of his comes right at the top of the list and is, unfortunately, more important to him than either you, or your children. A very hard fact to face. Whatever happens - stress the fact that he is having AFFAIRS and these are damaging your marriage just as seriously as they would if they were with other women. Good luck,<BR>Paint