Two nights ago my suspicions were cofirmed when I confronted my husband about the amount of time he was spending on the internet when I was asleep. Sometimes I would get up at night on the guise of getting a drink or going to the bathroom and I would here the computer blipping to a new screen, usually the home page. How much time can a person spend surfing the home page. Did he take me for an idiot. On the first confrontation he said it was just a girl he met playing cribbage and he enjoyed chatting with her and he would break it off immediatly if it bothered me. How considerate of him. I then mentioned that my son casually told me that "dad has a hotmail account too". I asked him about that. Yes, he relpied they did send some letter back and forth but that was it. Still not assured that I was hearing the whole thing I quizzed further "did you exchange picture", yes, she sent me one of her and her daughter. "Did you send her any" , the reply was no. All the while he professed his love for me and expressed how sorry he was. I told him I wanted him to write her a letter and leave it for me to see, I also told him I wanted his e-mail account name and pass word. He agreed to give it to me. But now the more truthful explainations of what was going on started to come out. That afternoon he rushed home at dinner and attempted to delete all the correspondence he had save, leaving in the file only his letter of repentance. Interestingly enough when you delete something in hotmail it sits in the trash for a few days. It's rather like it is at our house. No one take takes it out. What was in the trash shook me to the core. Over a period of 17 days there were 27 love letter from this woman, three sets of pictures and a note indicating how grateful this little wench was that my husband had taken time to read over her essay for college before she turned it in. She is 24, and I am 42. His new found interest in reading, which I was suspicious of was because she had suggested books to read. He even went out and bought a book of prose which he read almost immediatly and one letter indicates they made that book "their book". The letters were full of sexual inuendo, he told me they had cyber-sex twice, it was after the annoymous cybersex that he set up the secret e-mail account. He continues to rationlize it as just friendship and fantasy but he used his real name, diclosed real incedents from his and our day to day life, and exchanged real pictures (he certainly didn't cut out a picture of an unknown out of the paper to send to her). At one point she asked for his phone number. Thankfully he declined and he says he doesn't have her number or address. Further to the humiliation of this, he told her immensly private details about our sexlife and was getting love advice and counselling from this youg trollop. I am so hurt and enraged. I went to the doctor to get sleeping pills and we are seeing a marriage counsellor next week. We have been married 15 years and have three children. I thought we had a good marraige, I knew our love life had slacked off a bit but we weren't arguing, when we went out shopping or whatever we held hands I thought I had the ideal marriage, the people I work with envied our relationship. This has impacted on me to a degree that I am not sleeping, not eating, when I do eat I throw up and I haven't gone to work for two days because I'm a counsellor I feel that I am in no state of mind to help anyone with anything. I want to lash out at this man at every opportunity. I want him to stop rationalizing this as a fantasy and a friendship. He strongly contends that he never had any inteniton of meeting this woman and it wasn't going to ever go any further. Twenty-seven e-mails in a little over two weeks doesn't seem like it was tapering off to me. Additionally there was all the nights he spent up chatting with her in addition to the e-mails. I'm guessing 3-4 hours a night up to 7 days a week. The things he talked to her about, the profession of undying love and how he never wants this to end and on and on and on. How can anyone say something like this is any diffrent that a "real" love affair. It was sexual, it was romantic, it was intimate, the cybersex made it physical, it was real people, real photos, it was secretive and it was taking up a great deal of his time and thoughts. I appologise for the rambling and bad spelling but I am sooooo devastated and I need to vent. Venting on my husband is not helping our marriage. Advice from anyone who has been there or who understands my situation would be helpful and welcomed right now.

I have to ask you something....<P>Your husband won't leave his "fantasy" in thinking it was just a friendship...<P>Are you willing to leave *your* fantasy that it is a "good marriage"?<P>I ask this because your post really kept telling me one thing... That you *thought* everything was going fine, without ever actually checking to make sure it was.<P>I can explain FULLY why your husband did what he did... he wasn't getting his emotional needs met and failed to communicate that to you. Some people when in this situation decide rather than trying to explain to someone (especially someone who *might*, and I mean might because I dont know you, not be able to see when they are neglecting something) they decide to just introvert it and seek other avenues for outlet.<P>Was it only a friendship? I would say it wasn't even a friendship... despite what you say, what you reveal or what you do... a friendship is very tough to constitute over a computer and all you know about each other is what you are willing to divulge.<P>It was physical!?!?! Now I hear only anger and resentment talking... Would you have preferred he DID go out and have physical sex with her? Saying it was just the same is a lie and you know that... At the very least, despite his mental infidelity, secretive nature and deception, he did not actually have a physical affair with this person... do you give him NO credit?<P>Things like this NEVER happen as a result of just one party... you are BOTH at fault.<P>YOU are at fault for not meeting his needs, for not making SURE everything was ok instead of what appears to be walking around in the clouds thinking everything is wonderful...<P>HE was at fault for not telling you things were not doing so well and he needed some of his needs met.<P>Put yourself in your own shoes... as a Councilor you would be telling yourself to calm down, to deal with the anger and the resentment and look at it with a fresh perspective... can you take your own advice?<P>If you reply to my post in anger then it tells me you are not one who can accept partial responsiblity in this... if you take these words in and acknowledge them then there is a chance for the 2 of you.<P>How are you going to respond?

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:55 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Thank you for responding to my letter. I am new to this forum so I am not real sure if this is how to reply or not but will see what happens. Your observations about my situation are accurate. I obviously did have my head in the clouds as far as our relationship was concerned. If I had asked more questions and been more sensitive to my husband's needs this may not have happened. But I truly thought everything was fine. We went out together, we had a glorius Valentines day, we laughed together alot and we talked alot. Typically we didn't have discussions that were very deep and soul bearing on a daily basis. Clearly that was what he wanted. We never ever had loud disrespectful arguements and I loved (love) the man deeply and completely. You are right though I messed up, he messed up. However what you are wrong about is yur statement that a "real affair" would have been worse. In my mind this affair was real and it would not have hurt me any less if he had had a one night stand with a prostitute. He had a highly intense emotional relationship with this woman and it really, really hurts. We have talked a great deal since this has come out in the open. Talked about his needs and what he needs from me I am confident that we will get are marraiage on track over time and with counselling and hopefuly neither of us will be in "fantasy land" anymore. Thank you for you candid reply. Most of your comments were right on the money, but that does not mean I can shrug this off as no big deal, I'm just not there yet. This only happened on Sunday and I'm in shock and hurting. My regards, M. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LostSoul:<BR><B>I have to ask you something....<P>Your husband won't leave his "fantasy" in thinking it was just a friendship...<P>Are you willing to leave *your* fantasy that it is a "good marriage"?<P>I ask this because your post really kept telling me one thing... That you *thought* everything was going fine, without ever actually checking to make sure it was.<P>I can explain FULLY why your husband did what he did... he wasn't getting his emotional needs met and failed to communicate that to you. Some people when in this situation decide rather than trying to explain to someone (especially someone who *might*, and I mean might because I dont know you, not be able to see when they are neglecting something) they decide to just introvert it and seek other avenues for outlet.<P>Was it only a friendship? I would say it wasn't even a friendship... despite what you say, what you reveal or what you do... a friendship is very tough to constitute over a computer and all you know about each other is what you are willing to divulge.<P>It was physical!?!?! Now I hear only anger and resentment talking... Would you have preferred he DID go out and have physical sex with her? Saying it was just the same is a lie and you know that... At the very least, despite his mental infidelity, secretive nature and deception, he did not actually have a physical affair with this person... do you give him NO credit?<P>Things like this NEVER happen as a result of just one party... you are BOTH at fault.<P>YOU are at fault for not meeting his needs, for not making SURE everything was ok instead of what appears to be walking around in the clouds thinking everything is wonderful...<P>HE was at fault for not telling you things were not doing so well and he needed some of his needs met.<P>Put yourself in your own shoes... as a Councilor you would be telling yourself to calm down, to deal with the anger and the resentment and look at it with a fresh perspective... can you take your own advice?<P>If you reply to my post in anger then it tells me you are not one who can accept partial responsiblity in this... if you take these words in and acknowledge them then there is a chance for the 2 of you.<P>How are you going to respond?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hi Marlaalynn,<P>Ahh at times like this life does tend to suck....however there are things you can do to ease it a little and there are ways you can alter your thinking to your pain to learn more from it and to strengthen yourself....consider some of these to help yourself...<P>1. You are never to blame for what another person decides to do...so what your husband did was not your fault!!!....he did it..!! and then he lied to you to cover it up..a sorta double betrayal...!!! you are not responsible for satisfying his emotional needs.....he is!!!if he was needy it was his responsibility to communicate that to you and to discuss it...instead he found someone else to talk to about it all and to satisfy his ego and whatever else...!!! that can never be your fault...!!!! Why he chose to do it that way is another issue for which he is entirely responsible....so dont add unecessary problems onto yourself and carry them on your head...nope!! throw that one off...<P>2. You are angry!! and have every right to be..!! all emotions need air and expression for one to be healthy...now how you do it can be the difference between adding to your trauma or relieving some of it...Dont direct your anger at him within his hearing or sight...!!! this is important....take responsibility for your anger and vent it where it hurts no one including you...!!!call him for every thing you can lay your tongue to if you wish, and yell ansd scream blue murder to vent this anger which eats at you.... BUT ONLY in your own earshot in private alone!!! or in the company of a good therapist or counsellor...!!!this is good healing for you because done this way it does not become an act of revenge which would eat into you and have the opposite effect to what you are trying to achieve.. what we are looking for here is something that enhances you not destroys you...!!!!Then dont stay in that anger...vent it then get out of it...leave it on the floor and get one with your life...everything passes...and this will too...but it can pass with your help making it easier for yourself and strengthening for you or it can pass with you as a victim feeling helpless and hopeless....you dont have to be this way...you can do things for yourself that will heal you far quicker and give you back your self esteem to help you grow and become the woman of substance, wisdom and serenity that you deserve to be.....<P>3. You are hurt...!!! and your pain is the pain of loss....loss of integrity...loss of intimacy that you valued as private and special to you both as you thought...all these things you felt... so they were real for you...it doesnt matter that he did not share that view...!!! he is responsible for his view...!! not you...!!! so allow your pain to have its time....let it hurt...allow it air to express itself...cry your tears of hurt pain and grief....and dont hold the view that you were stupid or silly not to have seen this coming or any other demeaning and chastising of yourself...because none of it is true!!!!! you held good values...!!! the fact that he betrayed those values do not make them bad values to have..!!!those values still hold good and true now as they ever did and always will...so dont go blaming yourself...allow your grief to go thru you ...and let it go....and when its over allow it to be over...dont go into self pity...!!! this will work against you....dont stay in grief or pain or hurt or anger...allow it all to pass...and pass it will...!!! busy yourself with other things that absorb your time and thinking...work...exercise...this is all healing...and when your pain hurt or anger again need expression...express it all in private!!!(or in the company of someone qualified) but dont stay in it...leave it behind....take control of your life...!!!its a life worth taking control over...its yours...of all those millions of sperm cells that were swimming to fertilisation before you were born...you won !!!! and here you are...you are special!!!! dont allow your emotions to dictate to you who the boss is...!!!! allow them to have their say..then take over and get on with your life....<P>4. Dont worry too much about doing or saying the right thing...there is no such thing...there is only your way...and your way will be right for you...let your inner guidance and intuition lead you...there are also hidden forces around you working for you too...you are not a mistake on this planet and are never alone...these forces are very close to you, never far from you....some call these forces God as in one force others call them guides as in lots of....some call it Jesus and angels.....it does not matter...what does matter is what you call it/them/whatever....have faith that they are there...they can be a comfort when all seems lost and bleak....and believe that the outcome for you is appropriate for you ...and all is how it is meant to be for your learning and growth...you are loved beyond measure.....trust in yourself...<P>There is nothing wrong with you or your marriage...only with our thinking that there is...all are lessons to be overcome for our learning and growth...and the classroom yo and your H have chosen has some difficult lessons for you both to learn from...as we all have in different ways....and how you learn those lessons determines the quality of your graduation....<P>Raise yourself above small issues...lessen your involvement in rehashing old stuff...let it pass and kiss it goodbye...<P>The rewards of strength, inner power, tranqulity, serenity, peace, love, self acceptance, self knowledge, and absolute abundance, are all yours to have thru and along the road you have chosen to take here...its tough, its painful, it sucks at times...but well worth the journey....<P>Be kind to yourself....keep giving to yourself....regard yourself as someone who is worthy of your own love and care...others will love you as you love you...do not judge yourself by others actions or from what they say or think...only you lives in your body....and you are worthy of your space on this planet..... <P>Be gentle with yourself.... <P>Many blessings<P>cossie....<BR><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....

Welcome <B>marlaalynn</B>...<P>Your story is not so different from many others. my W had 600+ e-mails over the course of about 3 1/2 months before I found out. Your still at a realtively early stage... but you need to take action soon!<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>Jim

I always find it amazing that people who have never experienced something can ALWAYS say that it would be the same.<P>marlaalynn:<P>How can you say that it is just the same as a real affair if you have never been in one?<P>I agree that it may "look" like it would be the same, it may "seem" like it would be the same and you can most definately try to "think" it would be the same...<P>But thats like saying just because it looks and feels like an apple that biting into it will TASTE like an apple... it could be made of chocolate but you never REALLY know until you have actually been there... done that.<P><BR>Its something very few people ever REALLY accept in life... we all want to go on thinking things we have never seen or done are known to us and that we don't DO them because we feel we already know them...<P>I guess its a fact of life we have to live with... I just dont prescribe to it myself... if I haven't been there then I dont assume its like anything else other than what it is.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by marlaalynn:<BR><B>Two nights ago my suspicions were cofirmed when I confronted my husband about the amount of time he was spending on the internet when I was asleep. Sometimes I would get up at night on the guise of getting a drink or going to the bathroom and I would here the computer blipping to a new screen, usually the home page. How much time can a person spend surfing the home page. Did he take me for an idiot. On the first confrontation he said it was just a girl he met playing cribbage and he enjoyed chatting with her and he would break it off immediatly if it bothered me. How considerate of him. I then mentioned that my son casually told me that "dad has a hotmail account too". I asked him about that. Yes, he relpied they did send some letter back and forth but that was it. Still not assured that I was hearing the whole thing I quizzed further "did you exchange picture", yes, she sent me one of her and her daughter. "Did you send her any" , the reply was no. All the while he professed his love for me and expressed how sorry he was. I told him I wanted him to write her a letter and leave it for me to see, I also told him I wanted his e-mail account name and pass word. He agreed to give it to me. But now the more truthful explainations of what was going on started to come out. That afternoon he rushed home at dinner and attempted to delete all the correspondence he had save, leaving in the file only his letter of repentance. Interestingly enough when you delete something in hotmail it sits in the trash for a few days. It's rather like it is at our house. No one take takes it out. What was in the trash shook me to the core. Over a period of 17 days there were 27 love letter from this woman, three sets of pictures and a note indicating how grateful this little wench was that my husband had taken time to read over her essay for college before she turned it in. She is 24, and I am 42. His new found interest in reading, which I was suspicious of was because she had suggested books to read. He even went out and bought a book of prose which he read almost immediatly and one letter indicates they made that book "their book". The letters were full of sexual inuendo, he told me they had cyber-sex twice, it was after the annoymous cybersex that he set up the secret e-mail account. He continues to rationlize it as just friendship and fantasy but he used his real name, diclosed real incedents from his and our day to day life, and exchanged real pictures (he certainly didn't cut out a picture of an unknown out of the paper to send to her). At one point she asked for his phone number. Thankfully he declined and he says he doesn't have her number or address. Further to the humiliation of this, he told her immensly private details about our sexlife and was getting love advice and counselling from this youg trollop. I am so hurt and enraged. I went to the doctor to get sleeping pills and we are seeing a marriage counsellor next week. We have been married 15 years and have three children. I thought we had a good marraige, I knew our love life had slacked off a bit but we weren't arguing, when we went out shopping or whatever we held hands I thought I had the ideal marriage, the people I work with envied our relationship. This has impacted on me to a degree that I am not sleeping, not eating, when I do eat I throw up and I haven't gone to work for two days because I'm a counsellor I feel that I am in no state of mind to help anyone with anything. I want to lash out at this man at every opportunity. I want him to stop rationalizing this as a fantasy and a friendship. He strongly contends that he never had any inteniton of meeting this woman and it wasn't going to ever go any further. Twenty-seven e-mails in a little over two weeks doesn't seem like it was tapering off to me. Additionally there was all the nights he spent up chatting with her in addition to the e-mails. I'm guessing 3-4 hours a night up to 7 days a week. The things he talked to her about, the profession of undying love and how he never wants this to end and on and on and on. How can anyone say something like this is any diffrent that a "real" love affair. It was sexual, it was romantic, it was intimate, the cybersex made it physical, it was real people, real photos, it was secretive and it was taking up a great deal of his time and thoughts. I appologise for the rambling and bad spelling but I am sooooo devastated and I need to vent. Venting on my husband is not helping our marriage. Advice from anyone who has been there or who understands my situation would be helpful and welcomed right now.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>marlaalynn,<P>Cossie is very right. It hurts...does not really matter of the details, it Hurts! And he is right in saying your H is responsible for his actions, not you. Now, to go on:<P>Read the New Comers from NSR. It will help. I will tell you what I did with my anger at one time. My H & I were moving to Africa. He went a month before I did, (because of Dogs to transport). He called back to America, and told me "Don't come." Whoa! Since I could not vent at him, and I was so angry I did this: He has a collection of ceramic coffee mugs. They are ones we get free from various events, some we buy in cheap soveriner (sp?) places. They are not valuable, and we had a zillion. I would go out every evening, pick one mug, and say "This is for you, you lowdown, no good, ...." And throw it against the brick wall. To make it more interesting the best place for me to do this was at my front door. So every time I left I would walk on the shattered pieces, thinking "Yep my life is shattered". How I wish I had found MB then! We got back together, moved back to America, and unfortunately, have just started recovery from a internet affair. (Yes, it hurts and it does not matter that is was on the computer). I called a moving company, e-mailed him and told him he better give me an address, or I would have it dumped off at her house. (She is married with 4 kids).<BR>I found this site before the movers came. Scheduled a telephone conference with Steve, and now we are on the path to recovery, in fact better than we have ever been in tweleve years.<P>Hang in there. Help will come. Get advice from the experts. Come here for support and venting. You are strong and can definitely make it.<P>Victoria<P>P.S. I went to see a counselor during the Africa event. He told me a) Don't go to Africa (I did anyway thank goodness) and b) My H would not like me breaking the coffee cups!<BR>Duh! I did not like him meeting someone in a new country within the first 2 days, calling me to dump me from overseas, and having her move in with him! Who are these counselors anyway? The Harley's are much, much more on track.

Hi Marlaalynn,<P>I'm surprised I didn't suggest this before.<BR>Check out a site "netaddiction.com" (I really have to learn how to do that trick).<BR>There is interesting information there and you can order on-line a booklet on how to recover from a cyber-affair. Do it, this site addresses your specific problem. You are not alone.<P>Take care.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by marlaalynn:<BR><B>Two nights ago my suspicions were cofirmed when I confronted my husband about the amount of time he was spending on the internet when I was asleep. Sometimes I would get up at night on the guise of getting a drink or going to the bathroom and I would here the computer blipping to a new screen, usually the home page. How much time can a person spend surfing the home page. Did he take me for an idiot. On the first confrontation he said it was just a girl he met playing cribbage and he enjoyed chatting with her and he would break it off immediatly if it bothered me. How considerate of him. I then mentioned that my son casually told me that "dad has a hotmail account too". I asked him about that. Yes, he relpied they did send some letter back and forth but that was it. Still not assured that I was hearing the whole thing I quizzed further "did you exchange picture", yes, she sent me one of her and her daughter. "Did you send her any" , the reply was no. All the while he professed his love for me and expressed how sorry he was. I told him I wanted him to write her a letter and leave it for me to see, I also told him I wanted his e-mail account name and pass word. He agreed to give it to me. But now the more truthful explainations of what was going on started to come out. That afternoon he rushed home at dinner and attempted to delete all the correspondence he had save, leaving in the file only his letter of repentance. Interestingly enough when you delete something in hotmail it sits in the trash for a few days. It's rather like it is at our house. No one take takes it out. What was in the trash shook me to the core. Over a period of 17 days there were 27 love letter from this woman, three sets of pictures and a note indicating how grateful this little wench was that my husband had taken time to read over her essay for college before she turned it in. She is 24, and I am 42. His new found interest in reading, which I was suspicious of was because she had suggested books to read. He even went out and bought a book of prose which he read almost immediatly and one letter indicates they made that book "their book". The letters were full of sexual inuendo, he told me they had cyber-sex twice, it was after the annoymous cybersex that he set up the secret e-mail account. He continues to rationlize it as just friendship and fantasy but he used his real name, diclosed real incedents from his and our day to day life, and exchanged real pictures (he certainly didn't cut out a picture of an unknown out of the paper to send to her). At one point she asked for his phone number. Thankfully he declined and he says he doesn't have her number or address. Further to the humiliation of this, he told her immensly private details about our sexlife and was getting love advice and counselling from this youg trollop. I am so hurt and enraged. I went to the doctor to get sleeping pills and we are seeing a marriage counsellor next week. We have been married 15 years and have three children. I thought we had a good marraige, I knew our love life had slacked off a bit but we weren't arguing, when we went out shopping or whatever we held hands I thought I had the ideal marriage, the people I work with envied our relationship. This has impacted on me to a degree that I am not sleeping, not eating, when I do eat I throw up and I haven't gone to work for two days because I'm a counsellor I feel that I am in no state of mind to help anyone with anything. I want to lash out at this man at every opportunity. I want him to stop rationalizing this as a fantasy and a friendship. He strongly contends that he never had any inteniton of meeting this woman and it wasn't going to ever go any further. Twenty-seven e-mails in a little over two weeks doesn't seem like it was tapering off to me. Additionally there was all the nights he spent up chatting with her in addition to the e-mails. I'm guessing 3-4 hours a night up to 7 days a week. The things he talked to her about, the profession of undying love and how he never wants this to end and on and on and on. How can anyone say something like this is any diffrent that a "real" love affair. It was sexual, it was romantic, it was intimate, the cybersex made it physical, it was real people, real photos, it was secretive and it was taking up a great deal of his time and thoughts. I appologise for the rambling and bad spelling but I am sooooo devastated and I need to vent. Venting on my husband is not helping our marriage. Advice from anyone who has been there or who understands my situation would be helpful and welcomed right now.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Marlaalynn<BR>We must be living mirrored lives. Two days ago I also discovered that my husband of 11 years is having a "net" affair. I too am devastated. This is not the first time we have had problems. I have been suspicious for sometime now. This hurts so badly. My husband is so sorry. He says it was all a fantasy and means nothing. He says he loves me and wants our life together. He does not think counselling will do any good for him, but will go if I insist. I think it will only make him resentful and not really solve the problem if he does not want to be open in the sessions. If I go and reveal all the problems, then I will be resented. I am at a loss. I want to save my marriage and truly love him. I believe he really loves me. I think he has an addiction problem - he becomes obsessed with whatever - video games - internet games - porno movies - whatever - until it reaches peak - I react - he repents - I don't know what to do.<BR>

I have been led down the very same path. I don't know what "lostsoul"s problem is, but an internet affair, even if it didn't get to intercourse, was indeed an affair. It was an emotional affair, and took his mind and his sould away from your marriage. It was not a shared thing. <BR>My H actually had sex with an internet lover. On top of it, I knew all about it. We have always maintained honesty and trust in our relationship, and always said when either of us wanted to explore another sexual encounter, as long as we didn't lie about it and let the other person know ahead of time, it was okay. That's how solid we thought our relationship was. The problem was, he took me up on it and I never acted upon our agreement.<BR>About you feeling that everything was fine in your marriage, I thought the same way. Now I know that he wasn't getting his emotional/sexual needs taken care of. That was my fault. So lostsoul is right when he said you both were at fault, but the problem is your H decided to embark on his own path and left you out to dry.<BR>I'm not sure if counseling is the answer, but you both need to sit down and sort out your feelings for each other. <BR>My H was going to go on a weekend trip with someone he met on the internet because I couldn't go. He was going to go to this meeting with or without me, and put out a posting requesting a companion for the weekend on the internet. By the time I realized things were going out of control, it was almost too late. We are now discussing this issue as well as others that have cropped up. Sometimes the discussions go well, other times they don't, but progress is being made. We still love each other and do not want to end our marriage, so there is hope. There is hope for you to, just keep the lines of communication open and express your feelings without too much emotion and absolutely no hate. Saying hateful things do not accomplish anything.