Just found out that my defacto of four years has been having an affair while he was posted overseas for between 1 and 2 weeks each month, over a period of 4 months. At that time he was unsure about his love for me, but now swears he loves me and won't do it again. Only problem is that he wants to stay in contact with her, as he considers her to be a good friend. He has promised me that he won't ever see her again, but that the contact will be only through email. I want to believe him, but as you can imagine, my trust for him has been shattered. I have told him that he needs to stop ALL contact with her, but he insists that he wants to remain friends with her. He will be posted in the same country and region again so how do I know he won't see her again? I want us both to get through this and move on, and I really do believe we can, but I don't think he is willing to go cold turkey with this woman. I'm scared.

Dear meg, I am overseas quite a bit for work and last year my current troubles began while overseas. I know too well the feeling of "I'll never get caught" or "what happens overseas, stays overseas" and I can't stress to you enough the importance of severing the contact for good. Also it sounds to me like he is making excuses claiming he was "unsure". That's a very lame excuse. I know all about that. And it's very naive to think he can maintain email contact as "friends" and not see her again when you know he's going back there. I hope this is harsh to you because you need to see what is going on. If he is unwilling to give her up once and for all you need to move on as it will only get worse for you. Don't defend him or make excuses for his behavior as you will only hurt yourself more. I think if you are ever going to work it out with him he will need to quit this woman once and for all and allow you access to his email and passwords, quit making excuses and start being honest with you. I'm sorry if this is hurtful, but I'm actually trying to save you a lot more. I'm a betrayer and I know all the signs and excuses there are.<P>MP

Welcome <B>meg</B>...<P>A few thoughts first...<BR>Breaking off all contact 100% is the <B>only</B> way... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse. (page 55 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Is this travel military or work related...<BR>Get it reassigned somehow!<P>Now... I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>Do read the welcome post!<P>Jim

Dear Meg,<BR>Your husband must respect you enough to break off all contact with the OW immediately. My husband carried on an affair out of the country off and on for 5 years. When I found out about the OW he had already put her behind him so I didn't have to deliver an ultimatum. The bad thing is he produced a child with her. That will maintain contact with the OW and little girl for the rest of his life. There are also now monthly child support payments until she's 18. I also contracted a sexually transmitted form of Cancer and must battle for my life. Sorry for the point blank honesty, but you are dealing with possibly horrible consequences of his behavior. I don't want you to wind up like me. Don't let your husband continue to play with fire. You will be the one to get burned. Peace love in FL.

Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciate what you have shared. Let me give you an update, as it helps me to write about how I feel. The affair my defacto had was not completely sexual. He tried to have sex numerous times with the OW but she wouldn't let him (she sounds like the one with morals here...). Basically, they met each other at the airport or hotel for each of the trips and then she stayed with him in his hotel room. Not that no sex that makes any difference, as my man still cheated on me in all aspects. I have had long talks with him, and he is not sorry for what he did at the time, or now. I don't think he is sure what he wants. He does still want to email the OW as a friend but swears he will not see her again, even as just a friend. He said that I can come with him on his next trip/s too. We have made an agreement to commit to each other completely for 6 months and then see how we both feel. You told me to stop making excuses for him and to leave if he didn't drop the OW completely. Am I a fool to do what I'm doing? I've had a broken heart before with a previous guy, but I just can't seem to give up my current guy. I think my problem is, is that I try too hard. When I am in a serious relationship with someone, I give it ALL I have. Maybe that's why I am so unwilling to give up - because it feels like I have so much to lose. I can't stop crying when I think of what he has done, it hurts so f**ng much. I think I must be crazy to still want to go on with this. Maybe I am the one with the addiction??? Help me with your advice. I don't want to get hurt AGAIN. But I don't want to give up trying either.<BR>Meg

Your dilemma sounds too familiar. Do I stay or do I go? No one really has the answer for anyone else. We all wish someone could give us the right answer, but either way there is pain in loving. I love my husband too much to go, but I love him so much I can't stand the thought of enduring this pain again. So what do we do? I like to write things out, too. I wrote down why I should stay and the possible consequences. Then I wrote why I should go and the possible consequences. The scales were almost even, but a little heavier in the "stay" side. So I stay and hope for the best. Maybe I'm a "whoos", but the indecision is the pits. Hope you can scale your situation out. Peace lover in FL