Hi, my name is Sonya. I met my husband in 1997, the day after my birthday. He was a friend of mine's brother and we met at a karaoke bar. I fell instantly head over heels for him, even though he is 15 years older than me (he's 48, I'm 33). At the time, he was living with a woman and her 6-year old daughter, who he had raised from a child of 1. He told me he was horribly unhappy in the relationship, but he couldn't leave her because of her daughter being like his own. I told him I would never consent to seeing him unless he left the woman. So, 5 months later, he left them. At first, I consented to him seeing the daughter and to a visitation of sorts. However, then the Mother began to punish the daughter for liking me and then she began to not send her medication, etc. so the child would be sick during her visits. It was then that I told my husband he had to choose between them and me. We were only living together at the time and I told him I would not marry him unless he consented not to see the child or the mother. My reasons were not selfish. I did this for the child. She was the one suffering from this and since he was not her real father, I felt this was the best way to deal with the situation. He consented to not seeing them and we were married 9 months later. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. He was attentive and loving and I never felt more like a woman in my life. However, 6 months after we were married, things began to change. He never talked to me anymore. He would go to friends houses and not check in with me. He would take days off during the week and I wouldn't know where he was. He was not interested in sex at all. He blamed me for everything and I was miserable. Money kept disappearing and I couldn't figure out where it was going. It was turning into a struggle to make ends meet on our combined $80,000 per year salaries, which should have been unheard of, considering we lived in a middle class neighborhood. Finally, six months after this began to happen, I received a voice mail message at work saying that he'd been sleeping with this woman who he had left when he met me. This devastated me. I knew something was wrong, but never, in a million years, did I think it was an affair and certainly never with her. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew in that moment what had been happening all along. So many pieces to the puzzle fit now. He'd never stopped seeing her. He'd been providing for her and her daughter all along out of my salary. See, I make $60,000 per year and he makes $20,000 per year. He was taking money from our family and providing for the woman and her daughter. He's begged and pleaded for me not to leave him .. that he only did it for the little girl. However, I'm finding it very very difficult to get through this and I believe I want him to leave. Does anyone have any advice for how I can get through this? I feel like I've lost my best friend, my love and my husband.<P>------------------<BR>Sonya

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sonpayton:<BR><B>Hi, my name is Sonya. I met my husband in 1997, the day after my birthday. He was a friend of mine's brother and we met at a karaoke bar. I fell instantly head over heels for him, even though he is 15 years older than me (he's 48, I'm 33). At the time, he was living with a woman and her 6-year old daughter, who he had raised from a child of 1. He told me he was horribly unhappy in the relationship, but he couldn't leave her because of her daughter being like his own. I told him I would never consent to seeing him unless he left the woman. So, 5 months later, he left them. At first, I consented to him seeing the daughter and to a visitation of sorts. However, then the Mother began to punish the daughter for liking me and then she began to not send her medication, etc. so the child would be sick during her visits. It was then that I told my husband he had to choose between them and me. We were only living together at the time and I told him I would not marry him unless he consented not to see the child or the mother. My reasons were not selfish. I did this for the child. She was the one suffering from this and since he was not her real father, I felt this was the best way to deal with the situation. He consented to not seeing them and we were married 9 months later. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. He was attentive and loving and I never felt more like a woman in my life. However, 6 months after we were married, things began to change. He never talked to me anymore. He would go to friends houses and not check in with me. He would take days off during the week and I wouldn't know where he was. He was not interested in sex at all. He blamed me for everything and I was miserable. Money kept disappearing and I couldn't figure out where it was going. It was turning into a struggle to make ends meet on our combined $80,000 per year salaries, which should have been unheard of, considering we lived in a middle class neighborhood. Finally, six months after this began to happen, I received a voice mail message at work saying that he'd been sleeping with this woman who he had left when he met me. This devastated me. I knew something was wrong, but never, in a million years, did I think it was an affair and certainly never with her. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew in that moment what had been happening all along. So many pieces to the puzzle fit now. He'd never stopped seeing her. He'd been providing for her and her daughter all along out of my salary. See, I make $60,000 per year and he makes $20,000 per year. He was taking money from our family and providing for the woman and her daughter. He's begged and pleaded for me not to leave him .. that he only did it for the little girl. However, I'm finding it very very difficult to get through this and I believe I want him to leave. Does anyone have any advice for how I can get through this? I feel like I've lost my best friend, my love and my husband.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sonpayton,<P>First, You are NOT alone. You have found a place where you will recieve support. Turn here whenever things are overwhelming for you. The Forum will help you through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel. We are here for you.<P>I strongly suggest you call the counseling center from the main page. The telephone counsel will be better than you know. It costs $85 for a full hour, but well well worth your sanity.<P>Meanwhile post here. I am sure others will come along and give you insight. I can offer a welcome, and tell you many people have felt as desperate as you, and have made it through.<P>My prayers are with you and your family,<P>Victoria

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sonpayton:<BR><B>Hi, my name is Sonya. I met my husband in 1997, the day after my birthday. He was a friend of mine's brother and we met at a karaoke bar. I fell instantly head over heels for him, even though he is 15 years older than me (he's 48, I'm 33). At the time, he was living with a woman and her 6-year old daughter, who he had raised from a child of 1. He told me he was horribly unhappy in the relationship, but he couldn't leave her because of her daughter being like his own. I told him I would never consent to seeing him unless he left the woman. So, 5 months later, he left them. At first, I consented to him seeing the daughter and to a visitation of sorts. However, then the Mother began to punish the daughter for liking me and then she began to not send her medication, etc. so the child would be sick during her visits. It was then that I told my husband he had to choose between them and me. We were only living together at the time and I told him I would not marry him unless he consented not to see the child or the mother. My reasons were not selfish. I did this for the child. She was the one suffering from this and since he was not her real father, I felt this was the best way to deal with the situation. He consented to not seeing them and we were married 9 months later. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. He was attentive and loving and I never felt more like a woman in my life. However, 6 months after we were married, things began to change. He never talked to me anymore. He would go to friends houses and not check in with me. He would take days off during the week and I wouldn't know where he was. He was not interested in sex at all. He blamed me for everything and I was miserable. Money kept disappearing and I couldn't figure out where it was going. It was turning into a struggle to make ends meet on our combined $80,000 per year salaries, which should have been unheard of, considering we lived in a middle class neighborhood. Finally, six months after this began to happen, I received a voice mail message at work saying that he'd been sleeping with this woman who he had left when he met me. This devastated me. I knew something was wrong, but never, in a million years, did I think it was an affair and certainly never with her. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew in that moment what had been happening all along. So many pieces to the puzzle fit now. He'd never stopped seeing her. He'd been providing for her and her daughter all along out of my salary. See, I make $60,000 per year and he makes $20,000 per year. He was taking money from our family and providing for the woman and her daughter. He's begged and pleaded for me not to leave him .. that he only did it for the little girl. However, I'm finding it very very difficult to get through this and I believe I want him to leave. Does anyone have any advice for how I can get through this? I feel like I've lost my best friend, my love and my husband.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sonpayton,<P>First, You are NOT alone. You have found a place where you will recieve support. Turn here whenever things are overwhelming for you. The Forum will help you through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel. We are here for you.<P>I strongly suggest you call the counseling center from the main page. The telephone counsel will be better than you know. It costs $85 for a full hour, but well well worth your sanity.<P>Meanwhile post here. I am sure others will come along and give you insight. I can offer a welcome, and tell you many people have felt as desperate as you, and have made it through.<P>My prayers are with you and your family,<P>Victoria

Hi Victoria:<P>Thank you so much for your reply. I think I will call the counseling center. I made a big decision last night and now I have to stick by it. I told my husband he would have to move out. It was a hard decision for me to make, but one I know I now have to stand behind. Wish me luck. Sonya

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sonpayton:<BR><B>Hi Victoria:<P>Thank you so much for your reply. I think I will call the counseling center. I made a big decision last night and now I have to stick by it. I told my husband he would have to move out. It was a hard decision for me to make, but one I know I now have to stand behind. Wish me luck. Sonya</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Please talk with Steve or Jennifer Harley before you proceed. They have dealt with this type of situation many times, they can advise you with their exprience. Hang in there. Call as soon as you can, after reading some of the site. If you are not able to get an appointment for a week or so, keep posting here. We will help you make it. I am not in a position to advise you on what to do. I can say try very hard to remain calm. Also, cossie posted a prespective on male infidelity in "just found out". It might help you calm down. I found it very on target. Hope this helps. I have dogs also. Aren't they great? (By the way cossie is a male).<P>Victoria

Welcome <B>Sonya</B>...<P>A few thoughts before I gove you my general welcome post...<P>You're in a very difficult situation since your H has had a 5+ year relationship with this OW.. and with you has had a 2-3 year relationsip (and marriage for ? years)... To really find where the commitment resides... you and your H do need some professional counseling, whether Harley based of otherwise.<P><B>Now</B>... I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>Jim

Hi! I hope you are having as good a day and evening as can be expected. I am short on time but I did want to check to see how you are. Were you able to get an appointment? Hope so. There are many people praying for you. Hang in there. Life will return to normal someday. Really. Hard to believe right now, I know. Your pain is totally understandable. Your are human. Anyone would be on a rollercoaster. But the ride does finally end. Hold on. Take care. Victoria

Hi Victoria! Thanks for your reply. I'm actually doing quite well. I realized how miserable I was even before I found out about this other woman. When we were first married, he was so attentive and he loved me so much .. however, when he began to see them (the mother and daughter) again, he became distant, we fought alot and I was so unhappy. Finding out about the other woman was hard, but better for me in the long run. I believe I've suffered enough and now its time for me to move on. I have not gotten an appointment yet, but plan to do that today. I do, however, have a marriage counselor that I began to see when our problems began. He only went once, but couldn't deal with the pressure of being the guilty party. He, of course, wants everything to go away and be ok. Well, once again, thanks for checking in .. I really appreciate it.<P>------------------<BR>Sonya