My wife has now suggested that a part of her wants me to fail at changing to meet her needs, and a part of her doesn't. She says things have gotten better, but she thinks of failure scenarios much more than success at this point. Reason: she has a fear that she may never know what life is like on the "other side" - to be free. She was a teenager when first married, then went into our current marriage. Now, seven years and 4 kids later a part of her wants to explore.<P>I love her dearly, and am scared to death here. Just when things seemed to be going so well, the sex has now stopped because she's all of a sudden "uncomfortable" with it - at least with me for the moment. Kissing and hugging is ok, but nothing else for now. And, she says that she wants back the feeling to want sex with me, she wants it to work, and that her heart is with me. Then, in the same conversation she'll say things totally opposite. What can I believe is true, What is going on here?<P>The changes I've made are good, and meet her needs, but she tries to sabbotage them - tells me to stop, or cut back. And she is a sex addict, who swears that there's no physical or emotional thing going on. I've even made a very difficult decision to go back to Executive life for her, instead of the entrepreneurial path I so dearly dreamed of as a kid - I do this happily with Love.<P>Our communication has never been better, but very painful now - very, very painful - but also very open, which must be good.<P>She says she wants it to work, then tries to<BR>make it fail - how do I read this?<P>So much pain, yet so much love. How can I help her?<p>[This message has been edited by SamH (edited December 09, 1999).]

I am the betrayed. I love my H very much. However, sometimes a part of me wants him to do something that gives me the justification to move forward without him. The thoughts don't come that much anymore, but at one point I really wanted a divorce deep down inside. We were really young when we married. I think he wants to see what it's like to be free. I've seen enough of freedom over the last four months to know it isn't as great as it's cracked up to be.

Im a little confused here, I'm sorry if I missed some of your previous post and your profile doesn't say much. You're posting in the infidelity section, Is your wife having an affair? How long has these "wanting freedom/space" feelings been going on. It may be just wanting to see the grass on the other side, but when my W starting acting like this and telling me she wanted space, it was because of an affair. She too also ignored and to some extent tried to sabatoge my efforts, because she was lost in the dream world of the affair. I guess more information would help.

KLS,<BR>My apologies. Please see "How do we Satisfy Wife's Desire to Play" by SamH. It's on about page 10 in Infidelity. Written on Dec. 3rd, at about 10:48.<P>My wife swears that she has not had an affair, either emotional or physical. But all the signs are there (very early start in the morning, very late returns home, no holding hands near her office, a totally different woman has emerged in her from her office, limited sex to no releasing inside, to no sex, weekend work has also suddenly emerged). She swears that she never would, but at this point in her life has a "marriage threatening" desire to see how green the grass is on the other side. The desire may as well be an affair, it's having the same effect on our marriage.<P>But I do believe, and she often admits, that she wants to be home with me, and that her heart is with me, but she's scared and confused now and wants to know "how" to make the old feelings come back.<P>She says that these feelings have been emerging over the past 3 years. However, through late October, we were still the same passionate couple. I've noted that this all started, hopefully just a coincidence, after she had an out-of-state business trip for about 6 days. My heart believes my wife, yet I too see the symptoms.<P>SamH <p>[This message has been edited by SamH (edited December 09, 1999).]

She told me today that her heart was with me, no one else, but that she didn't know if it was going to work. She is confused about "how" to make it work, how to get her feelings back. <P>She agreed that we should probably seek counceling. I began that search today.<P>SamH

Sounds like a lot of warning signs to me.<BR>I, like her, have that grass is greener thing. Married young, didn't go out much before that, wondering if this is life. Let myself become emotionally involved with OM, (no contact, 1 month, yeah for me!), and it affected our sex life quite a bit. Now I've had issues with our marriage going way back, but am just now realizing that there really is a problem that I need to fix, in that he is not meeting my emotional needs, and I have no clue what his are. So rather than run away and not deal with the real problem, we are trying to talk, I start counseling next week.<BR>Your W is confused about something, be it an affair, or just those restless feelings...she needs to know that she is not alone. Her feelings are normal, and all I can say is have some patience, and encourage the counseling. I too have had wishes that he would just do something stupid so I could have an excuse to walk away. Pure avoidance. <BR>I do think there is a better relationship out, but I want it to be with my husband.

mschif,<BR>Am I happy that you posted. To know that someone else, another woman, has gone through the same thing and is fighting for her marriage gives an awful lot of hope and helps boost the courage bank. As much as I love my wife (and that's far more than dearly), I've started to become more angry by all this and sometimes want to revert to my old self - that person would have told her to straighten out, quit her job immediately, or get out. But I won't do that. We mean too much to each other, even if her true feelings are being blocked by something right now.<P>Anytime you want to post, I'll be listening.<P>Thanks again,<BR>SamH