I could tell you the whole story but why? It never changes. My wife's affair lasted about 2 years with one of my closest friends. She always talked of Jim as her best friend. I know now that sex was just the comsumation of the affair. That part had been going on for over a year. I was almost completely withdrawn for most of that time so don't put all the blame on her.<P>I found out on the 27th of Feb by by taking my "friend" to a bar and making a few hints that it was OK until he opened up to me. In short, I got him drunk and pumped him for information. I never understood the amount of pain this would involve. I have had heartaches before; this was raw, physical, pain. My first instenct was a homicidal rage that took about 3 hours to get under control before I could look at my wife. 12 hours of unbelievable pain later we at last settled down to the point where we could sleep (about an hour and a half nap) and I agreed to not leave until Tuesday. That was a good decision because we are still together.<P>So far, she hasn't agreed to never having contact with Jim again even though she knows she can not; the best she has agreed to is not until we are secure in our marrage again. Jim's wife called us online Tuesday to say 'I hope we can all work this out' but I told her that I considered it an impossibility. There has been no other contact afterwards.<P>I undrestand that she is going through withdrawl. I understand she is grieving over the loss of a friend. I know that making demands or ultimatiums is counter to our goal of a stronger marriage. But untill I get an agreement that she will have no more contact with Jim EVER, I am filled with doubt, mistrust and paranoid fears. <P>How do I steer her into the direction of complete, irrevocable seperation? Will she come around after the withdrawl period? I know how I want to settle it but I can not raise my childern while I am behind bars.

Good decision for you to stay away from anything that would put you behind bars!!!<BR>Pat yourself on the back <P>I am so sorry for your situation--it must be even worse when it involves both your wife and a close friend. <P>She has to decide on NO CONTACT...you can't make the decision for her. If she has promised no contact until the marriage is in better shape, that's a start...byt the time the marriage is strengthened, she'll be able to see that you need a permanent no contact. But, she will be in withdrawal for a while, and may slip and recontact him in the meanwhile--that's very common.<P>You need to read up and practice PlanA...read what it says about it on the homepage here, and try this post also: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html</A> <P>Good luck!<BR>Kathi

The only thing here I'd like to add to it is the emphasis on this "no contact" needing to be here decision. Two years back I insisted and put him into action on it before he was ready to do so. What I have only now found out is that he lied to me saying he'd brought it to an end back in 97. Not only continued contacting her (because of their physical distance there has never been a physical affair between them, only phone calls...)--but it is to the point that the two of them would like to get married. He hasn't the strength, if that is the word, to divorce me for her, nor has he the desire to lose her from his life.<P>Having said that, perhaps it is a good example of what I am emphasizing...you cannot make someone do something they are not ready to do or nothing will be gained except an immediate but false relief. You MUST let her do this in her own time but in the meantime, you need to make it known to her that you are waiting for her to do this. And the more "loving" you can be towards her, despite her pain, the faster she is likely to come around.<P>That was something else I learned, the greater my outburst, the more defensive he got, the less wrong he did, the more wrong I had done causing him to do what he did. This time I have remained as calm as one possibly can and I have not been blamed for anything. And he has come around much faster to wanting to do what is right even though he knows it will be very hard as he goes through, what is being called...withdrawal. (Although he feels he loves her and is not addicted so it's not withdrawal to him but learning to stop loving her and needing her...yes I'd like to vomit.)<P>The rules for this are pretty simple, you can lead the horse to water but you can't make him/her drink...just let her know where it's at and wait for her to get thirsty. When she's ready, she'll drink. And the more you can make her feel safe with you given what she has done, the faster she'll be ready to drink. So long as she is feeling punished, the longer she'll wait before she drinks. The harder you push, the more she'll dig her heels in, in a defensive posture.<P>That's just based on my experience. Hope it helps somehow. Best of luck and believe me when I say, I can appreciate how you must be feeling.

Just a little empathy. That raw pain you feel does lessen with time. I mean, how long can one be prostrate on the bathroom floor drowning in tears? How long can "one" go without food or sleep? Grieving and anger are just too exhausting. In some ways it's worse than grieving a death because a person you've given your all to has betrayed that trust purposely. <BR>The roller coaster begins and it spins out of control. You question every feeling and instinct you've come to count on throughout life. You wonder how you could have been so blind. You grasp at anything, sometimes stupid things, to make the pain go away.<BR>It's been 10 months since discovery for me and with a lot of meditation and prayer I'm living a life of 90% peace and little obsessing. Oh, the obsessing is awful. <BR>I think men might be a little better about diverting away from massive obsession "parties" thinking about the two of them together.<BR>Hang in there and don't do anything short sighted. Live for the long haul...love yourself, love your wife and most of all love God. Peace lover