Ifm a new member, so please forgive me for not knowing what to do or venting. I don't know under what heading I'm supposed to put this under so I'm going to put it under General, Just found out, and Recovering. <P>The Story: <BR>We've been happily married for five years. September 04, 99cI found out that my W had an affair with her co-worker(s), two Dr.fs in her dept. One that night and a different dr. three months earlier. <BR>Yet another guy three months later while we were separated<BR>(this I just found out, thatfs why Ifm here begging for helpcnow) <P>Ifll never forget the day I found out (9/4) as long as I live. I call it D-day. I was working the night before and hadnft gotten a call from my W like usual. So I called home, no one answered all night. All I knew was that she was taking our 3 y.o. child to the park when I left for work that day. Little did I know that she was taking my child to her loverfs home. <P>This affair was going on behind my back for about a month. My W is making it sound like I should feel grateful that she only had intercourse twice that nightconly? WHAT? <P>The OM emails me a 6-page report in detail on how the affair aspired and the going ONfs that night, physically. I confronted this guy at his home that day. All I could think about was killing this unethical dr., but I didnft I didnft even lay a hand on him. I didnft want to loose my son over this @!#$ole. He knew my W was married and had a 3 y.o. child yet they had sexual contact in front of him. <P>The Result:<BR>My W and I have separated for about four months because I had physically assaulted her after this incident. I donft make any excuses for this; I live in regret everyday knowing that I had physically hurt someone I adored. I have never in my life hit anyone, not even another man. That month I dropped 50lbs; was taken to the ER because I collapsed out of dehydration; was admitted to the hospital under a psyche-hold. Was forced to quit Med.-school. I had a nervous break down. <P>Ifm from Japan, so you can imagine the dishonor, humiliation, and familtorial pressures.<BR>Ifm not saying Asians donft have these problems, Ifm just saying in my family itfs unheard of. Youfre typical samurai death before dishonor mentality. <P>Now: <BR>After 50 hours of expensive counseling, session after session of hypnotherapy, a new religion, meditation, acupuncture, herbal medication, Zoloft and other psychosomatic drugs, selling everything I own and moving to a new area, using up all my savings, loosing old friends and not making new ones, spending more than $15k to find her and going there to ask her back (from her hiding in a foreign country other than my own)<P>My W is now back with my son and me.<P>The Problem:<BR>Itfs only been a month since my W came back and already I see problems.<BR>I canft seem to forget. I just keep bringing up the past constantly. Probing, asking all kinds of questions. Ifm still mad as hell for the betrayal, the loss of innocence in our relationship. <P>Even she would tell you, we had the best possible relationship anyone could ask for. We were best of friends first, we had open lines of communication, and we could talk about any thing. We always did things together. So when I ask whycshe doesnft know. She thinks itfs because she didnft feel pretty enough, she was a model for godfs sakecshefs beautiful. I donft get it!!<BR>She even went as far as telling the OM she was planning to leave me and wanted his baby, wanted to marry him, that she loved him. Yet shefs adamant about that she was lying to him. She doesnft to this day know why she said all those things, is she lying? Ifm just in utter shock. I donft know what to make of all this. And I just found out while she was in hiding she had yet another guy, she says she did that to find out about herself. To prove to herself if she is really that awful or just how bad she really is. I donft get it?<P>The Questions:<BR>My wife has given me cart blanch to whom ever & how many I choose to have an affair with.<BR>Will this let my feelings recover?<BR>Will this stop the anger?<BR>Will getting even make everything ok?<BR>If someone has this experience please let me know.<BR>What should I do?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Dr.SadMad (edited March 03, 2000).]

NO! Do NOT have any others but your wife. If you do you have justified and authorized her behavior.<BR>

Dr SadMad,<P>Short answers to your questions....no to all your questions........ revenge cannot or will not make any difference to your pain....can only add to it...as the anger eats at you instead of where you would like it to eat...but these are your feelings so it will only act on you....<P>You can only consider your options here...and make your decisions from that assessment...<P>1. You can have your own affair and share that with her, and see if that makes any difference, but when there are problems in a current relationship, sharing intimacy with someone else never fixes anything....if you try to have an open type relationship you both really need to be at peace within yourselves first and not seeking that type of lifestyle as a repair for a relationship, it takes a lot of acceptance and inner work to reach that place with any measure of success....<P>2. You can get counselling for yourself and allow your pain to let go along with your anger....and make your decision about whether you stay with her or leave and try with someone else...<P>3. You can try to understand what motivates her and encourage her to seek counselling with or without you......her problems would be deep seated and would have bought them into your relationship with her....her fears of intimacy could be linked to this behaviour....the journey into sexual promiscuity is never for sex but a cry to get close and when they get the closeness they crave they cannot handle the fear of loss it brings with it...so run to the next and so on...<BR>This needs expert help to get to the core of the pain....<P>You are in her life for a reason and its for your learning also...we invite trauma into our lives to learn from...and when the lesson is complete the pain and its related actions disappear from our lives...<P>Blessings <P>cossie..<P><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....

I agree with Cossie. If your wife said she doesn't feel pretty enough, she may be crying out for assurance. I think she needs some counseling, and possibly the both of you together.<BR>I have thought about getting even with my H also - he has contacted women on the internet. I thought about doing the same and letting him see how it feels, but it will only validate the behavior and doesn't accomplish anything.<BR>Working and communicating together is always the best thing, especially if you were friends and were compatible before the affairs.

On revenge:<P>You will think it will make you feel better by being vindictive, but it won't really make you feel any better in the long run.<P>I know our sheriffs in our small town personally and literally had my former husband arrested and put in jail 3 times. Now he did get convicted on legal counts...spousal abuse and death threats, but my friends hounded him for me, not letting him have any peace in our town. <P>To this day, 3 almost 4 years later he is afraid to come back to our town. <P>I also had him roughed up a bit while he spent his stint in jail. At the time, it made me feel better, now.....I regret it. <P>They say that revenge is best served cold. Meaning; when they least expect it and over a period of time. <P>I finally saw a different light, forgave him then thanked him. I thanked him for showing me I was co dependent, and I thanked him for showing me I could lead a better life without him. <P>Trust and communication are essential to any marriage. Without it, you are doomed. <P>I suggest you take a long, long look at what your intentions are in this relationship. Are they 'the winner takes the spoils' or truly wanting to work this out?<P>Only you can answer that.<P>Good luck and peace~<P>F.B.H.<BR>Female Bounty Hunter~