When I first found out, my heart pounded in my chest. For at least 9 hours it hammered at a rate well over 120 per min. I could hear it easily, feel it as well. It could be heard in my breath. At the time I also hoped it would explode. The number of emotions I went through the first 2 days is staggering. I doubt many have names. However in that time we agree that or marriage, our childern, and our family are of utmost priority. Little did I know that by coming to that agreemment I had just climbed on the bull and nodded my head to open the chute!<P>I laughed at something on TV and she broke down and cried. My laughing is something she thought she may never hear again.<P>She is in anguish at times because I am hurting. I hurt because she is in anguish. We cry and hold each other and say "How will we ever survive this?" <P>We stayed up till 2:00 AM two nights ago talking. Just having a conversation. We were both happy at a time when absence of pain is an almost unreachable goal.<P>Yesterday, for no reason, I became consumed with jelesy and paranoia. I thought I needed prof that she had contacted Him somehow. ICQ is a database program, just because you delete the text (and delete it from thr 'delete' folder) does not mean that it is deleted off your disk. I am a computer proffesional and have had to go into my database file to retrieve a phone number I had removed by mistake. It was an extreme act of will to keep from prying -- I am home alone at lunch time. Yesterday afternoon I found this site and made my first post.<P>Just before I left work yesterday I checked my email. She had sent me a message that had a quote from a message I had sent her at work some time ago. My original post was a sweet nothing, thinking of you, love letter kind of thing and she told me she keeps these kind of things as an emotional uplifter for when her day is going sour. She told me somtimes she wondered if the fight was worth it but if we could get back to that point when I wrote the letter then she knew it was worth the effort. It snapped me out of my self loathing mood in a second.<P>Last night was the first full meal either of us have eaten this week and also the first time we have eaten twice in one day. I consider this a major accomplishment. <P>During the night, my wife rolled ovre to snuggle my back while we were asleep. This is the first time in 2 or 3 years she has reached out to touch me first. I am estatic with joy.<P>She has yet to commit to never having any contact with Him again saying that is to painful to think of never seeing her friend again but has agreed to no contact until our marriage is strong again. Which gives me doubts ... is she pretending to reconcile so she can get to be with Him again? If everything is moving foward as it should, why do I have to close my office door at least once a day, hang my head and cry?<P>Get a good hold on the rope. The bull is mean and vicious. When he goes up, ride him high. When he goes down, don't bottom out with him or you wil hit the ground hard.<P>Now if it only lasted 8 seconds ...<P>Joe<BR>

Joe:<BR> Glad to hear some good news! You are right about the ups and downs. Loved the rodeo analogy!!!<BR> Hang on--<BR>Kathi

Everything changes so drasticly in an instant. I found out Tuesday that one wrong comment will set you back to square one. (When she asked if I could ever be friends with Him again I should have said "No" and left it at that) We are both very tired of saying "I am sorry" and I have noticed this phrase is a drag on our moods. Physical exertion seems to have a leveling off effect and doing household chores together seems to increase whatever mood we started with. Funny that, but if we have that "somethings not right here" feel in the air it's best if I go to another room. Asking her a question regarding a conversation we had yesterday is a HUGE uplifter. <P>At lunch time today I bought a rose and drove to where she works and placed the flower in her car. It seemed like a nice thing to do. Now I sit here and wonder if it was a good idea. Am I being pushy? I didn't leave a card! What a dolt! She may think He left it! (he lives 2 1/2 hours away so this did not seem a possibility to me at the time)<P>See, it's a paranoid-euphoric kind of life for me. <P>I guess I should move out of this forum, but it has been less than a week. (1 week after D-Day at 11:00 pm Saturday)

I loved the rodeo analogy also! You are correct in the ups and downs. When I finally confronted my H, it was with an e-mail. He was leaving the next day for a trip, we hadn't spoken to each other for the past two days and our relationship seemed rocky the last two weeks, so my e-mail to him was filled with pain and self-loathing that had been pent up for some time. When he left that morning giving me a kiss, I ran to check my e-mail, thinking that he would understand my feelings. Nothing was there. I started digging through the computer and found the "reply" letter he was working on. It was 6 pages of anger and unfinished. I thought I was going to have a heart attack! I had the same exact feeling as you. I just wanted to die. I thought about his responses all day, then called him that evening. When he returned from the trip, we sat down for the first of our discussions. It really went well. The second went horribly, the third a little better. He's on another trip, so I hope the fourth will be even better, but you never know.<P>Some days it's two steps forward, one step back. Other times it's one step forward, two back.

You have got it soooo right. I have been on this roller coaster for 3 months and I know I have a long way to go. <P>It is truly the toughest thing I have ever done. Plan A is brutal, and I am still hopefull that there is some positive to come from it. Right now it has been still hit or miss. <P>I don't know how long you have been "on the Bull", but one of the things I have learned is when there is a "positive sign" (and I have only a few), is I don't immediately assume that things are totally back on track, and begin expecting all things to change, or that your spouse is totally "back". I have experienced a lot of undue pain and heartache, even committed lovebusters, because I assumed because of a single positive sign that I could "expect" things - things I maybe I will be able to expect and hope for later, but not yet. I always have to remember that we did not fall in love originally in a "moments" (or even months), and our relationship did not go to He__ in the same amount of time, so I have to assume it will take many months, probably years to mend it.<P>Hang in there, I am cheerin' for you and anyone else with the character and conviction to go through this with the hope to save their marriage...Lonely Boy