I have suspected my wife of having an affair for a few weeks now. I have gathered enough "evidence" to prove it. I plan to confront her with it. Should I "reveal" the affair to his wife too? Right now, I'm inclined not to, in order to protect the other innocents until my wife and I have discussed it.<P>What's everybody think?<p>[This message has been edited by NickM (edited April 22, 2000).]

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:51 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Already decided to keep quiet. Confronted my wife this morning about this. Stuff on this site help me remain calm (somewhat), nonjudgemental and accepting of my role in how we ended up here. She actually seemed relieved. Not sure where to go from here but no need to hurt others, she agreed. Will "confront" the OM later (same calm, nonjudgemental manner, I hope) but there's a few things I need to say to him.<P>

Welcome <B>NickM</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>Some specifics about what I would recommend...<P>Confronting your W is OK as long as you don't <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bust</A>... It sound like it might have gone well...<BR>...but I'll be honest with you... those were the words ("I'm relieved") said by my W... and then it was all downhill from there.<P>Is your W wishing to reconcile?...<BR>Is she up for counceling?...<BR>Most importantly... <B>is she ready to give up the OM</B>?... most everything you do hinges on this!<P>Confronting (in an adversarial manner) the OM is usually a <B>big mistake</B>...<BR>Your initial confrontation with OM may stir up feelings your W has for this OM and lead to some very serious back-sliding by your W. You have to do this carefully... if at all!<P>Mostly... you need to talk with your W first...<BR>Let her know you are concerned with her...<BR>(OM should mean nothing to you)...<BR>You need to evaluate her <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... first... (with her help ideally) and then let her know you can meet them and will be doing everything in your power to learn how to meet them. Acknowledge your contribution to her starting the affair (even it you don't think it's a big contribution.)<P>Get started on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> in a big way!<P>Do you have the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>?... If not... <B>get it!</B><P>I'd recommend posting here before you act...<BR>Get a feel from the rest of the folks here on what is a good approach...<P>When counseling is needed... I'd strongly recommend the MB counselors!<P>Again... do read the welcome post===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A>!<P>Good Luck... and Post/read/reply!<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 07, 2000).]