cossie,<BR>your posts have been an inspiration to me and a great source of hope. But, today I'm in need of your wisdom again. As I wrote earlier, my husband is unable to give up contact with the OW. He says he wants to stay a family but a big part of him still wants to go to her. I'm on the edge of telling him to go, but it's only been 8 weeks. I'm doing plan A, but it's so very hard when I know his heart is somewhere else. Will it get better?

nomoreu,<P>Sorry I have not been near the computer for a little while, been busy with other things....<P>Have patience, and faith....I know this is a very difficult time for you....but know that all passes....and things change...<P>Its not his heart that is with her...its his fantasy that is with her....the picture he sees as all so rosy and great and ohh so understandingly wonderful....unfortunately at these times a guy will think with the head between his legs rather than the one on his shoulders and believes he must be in love ....and when he does go to his fantasy and the reality of committment and life wear thru the thin veil of fairyland he will then look for something else to blame for it going wrong...and run to someone else until he realises the problem lies within him and goes everywhere he does....<P>He needs professional help to take him to his core pain without running away...this is where maturity begins and responsibility takes over...<P>Maybe if you could get him to have a look at this site....? just so he can see the pain and devastation in here and the futility of divorce and separation...<P>As to what you can do for yourself while he goes thru this period of time....?<P>Work on your own self esteem constantly no matter how difficult....continue to believe in yourself and the forces around you....you are always much larger than any problem you are given to face....and nothing is over until its over...<P>Never put yourself down or blame yourself for any of his actions thoughts or feelings...not fair on you or him....keep giving to yourself...be gentle with you...and maintain love for yourself in any way you can...do little things just for you....<P>Try not to allow your thoughts to be in competition with the OW...there is nothing to compete for....it is not because of you that he went to her in the first place....<P>He cannot face his own fears of losing you it makes him feel so vunerable when he is really intimate with you so he has to distance himself in any way he can...he can only feel this way with one he loves dearly....and when he doesnt feel vunerable with her he thinks she is right and you are not....but he finds it very dificult to leave you...as his deep love for you keeps pulling him...makes him confused...unsure...his thoughts keep fluctuating....<P>This problem is always fixable....and men will gather the courage to face it when they realise what it is, where it is, why it is, and what they can do about it.....when they realise what they have to lose by not facing it....when they realise the fantasy they had is not what they thought it was...when they see how much love they really do have for their marriage partner....<P>Sometimes the bubble has to be burst....and this is where your courage is called for...you will have to look at what you want for you and what you are prepared to sacrifice to get it....(your fear of losing him would be a good sacrifice here)<P> Maybe you will have to tell him you will not share him with anyone (if that is what you really want)...it is one thing to be betrayed it is another to stand by and watch while he pleases himself and plays you off against her and do the same with her....like having his cake and eating it....so he can feel safe while he does it....? I am not saying that he is doing this, only you would know.... if you do want to send him to her so he can find out what it is going to be like....this would be a very courageous thing to do and would need a lot of trust on your part.....<P>We are all different and different things work for different people...and what is right for you will be what you will do...you do know what the answers are for you and just need support care and confirmation sometimes...and this forum is certainly one place you can get that without fear....<P>As to how to treat him....I would treat him with care love and respect....and also let him know that he is responsible for his conduct feelings and thoughts...and while you love him and respect him you will not take mental or emotional abuse or blackmail...? so will not put up with him living with you and being emotionally elsewhere...? (again only do this if that is how you really feel) but most of all do not mentally and emotionally abuse yourself...you are worth every vestige of love care pride honour and gentleness you can give yourself..."You are a child of our Universe...no less than the stars and the trees...you have a right to be here"....this little piece from the Desiderata is appropriate...<P>Take care...<P>blessings<P>Love cossie<P><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....

Cossie,<BR>You are wonder! Your reply touched me so much. I have told my H the things you mentioned - his feelings being a product of fantasy and that those feelings would inevitably change and that the weaknesses we have in our relationship will show up in his relationship with her if he goes to her. I've also told him that I was unwilling to share him with someone else. I told him he needed to make a decision. Even the OW has told him he needed to make a decision. She is too weak to tell him it's over but wants him to "let her go." He told her that if she wanted to date other people, go ahead, but if she wanted him to say he didn't love her and want to be with her, he couldn't do that. He also told me that she had asked him why he hadn't left home yet. He answered because he wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. Cossie, I would tell him to leave if I didn't have children. I keep thinking how devastated they would be. In the meantime, I'm working on myself and know that, if he does leave, I'll be alright. Please check in every now and then. I truly value your feedback. I noticed on your profile you posted an e-mail address. May I e-mail you from time to time? This is a very difficult time for me and your support is so appreciated.

nomoreu,<P>Thank you for your kind words, you are most welcome to mail me whenever you wish, and I will always reply...I do enjoy recieving mail and helping others where ever I can even tho I am unable to reply immediately sometimes...<P>I can understand the wisdom and your reluctance to tell him to go because of your children...no need for them to be hurt unnecesarily... shows the compassionate thoughtful caring woman you are.......<P>Time does allow healing to take place and allows for things to change...we are constantly renewing ourselves mentally emotionally spiritually just as our bodies renew our body cells continuously....<P>Patience is a difficult virtue to appreciate in traumatic times...but it is one of our great teachers....adding a tensile strength to our characters...wisdom tact diplomacy and appreciation to our expressions and relationships...and the space to absorb our experiences...<P>Take good care of you first always and you will always take good care of those around you......<P>love cossie...<BR>