My Husband moved out 2 weeks ago. Don't know if he's living with the OW. Before leaving he said he loved me and that I was his best friend. But no calls. Do I let him have his space to discover himself or whatever? Or do I pursue him? I feel if I pursue him, it will chase him away. Don't know what to do. I know this relationship could work if he would give it another chance. We were so happy. Everyone thought we were a great couple. We did everything together. How can you walk away and never look back. Please someone, help me. I don't know what to do!!

Welcome <B>Adnil</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>Is there any way you can contact him? phone? work? relatives?...<BR>To work on your marriage it is best to have contact with your H!<BR>Find him...<BR>He's going to need to know you still love him... and <B>home</B> is a <I>safe</I> place for him!...<BR>And then immediately start working on the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... outlined in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A> post!<P>Good Luck!<P>Jim

Jim,<P>Thank you for your response. I did call him today and told him that I still loved him. That I never stopped loving him. Hi didn't respond either negative or positive, just aknowledged that he heard what I said. Not sure if that a good sign or not. I realized after I called that I was going to have to take a chance and risk being rejected and try to make this work. I think he thinks I won't fight for him. Boy is he wrong. I am terrified of taking the risk of being rejected. But I know now that I would never forgive myself if I didn't try. I feel better now that I told him that I loved him. I said some pretty awful things when he left. Now at least he knows I love him. Hopefully he will be open to reconciliation. I am going now to read all your recommended posts, specifically plan a. Please someone pray for me, cross your fingers for me.<P>Adnil

When my husband walked out on me 4 years ago after we had been together for 16 years since we were 16 years old, my world crashed. He walked away from EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING right down to his clothes being left here, to go pursue drugs and a ho to share them with. He was my world, he owned my heart and soul. I loved him with everything I had in me. <P>My best friend said this to me and I will never forget it. <P>"You didn't make him leave, and you can't make him come back." <P>I moved on with my life after WASTING 3 months 'waiting' for him to come back. You are co dependent it sounds like to me. I know, cause I was too. You would (will) do anything to get him back and 'make' him stay. <P>MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE! GET A LIFE! If it is going to work, MAKE HIM come back to you! Afterall, HE is the one that walked out! NO MAN is worth waiting day in and day out for. <P>In all due respects, I know the pain firsthand and I would hate to see you waste time like I did. <P>The saying "Time heals all wounds". Well it is soooooooooooooo true! You do not see it now, but you will. <P>I moved on, found a better man, a man that treats my sons like his own since their dad abandoned them as well as me. He loves ME for what *I* am and always will be. <P>The most empowering thing for me was the 3 times he called and begged me back (because I had bettered myself and MOVED ON) and I said "NO WAY BABY!"<P>Being evil and vidictive was fun for awhile, and I will admit it was part of my healing, but my life was given back to me the day I forgave him in my heart and knew I had done better.<P>Your sig. other must have his own agenda, otherwise he would not have walked out. You going to honestly 'wait around' for HIM to find 'himself' and make you sloppy seconds?! <P>NO WAY! Get out and live! You deserve so much better!<P>Good luck and peace~~<P><BR>F.B.H.<BR>Female Bounty Hunter~

Adnil,<P>I just had to respond to <B>female bounty hunter</B>'s reply...<P>Yhe <B>only</B> thing that was said that even modestly follows the NB principles are <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>because I had bettered myself... <B>AND</B>..."You didn't make him leave, and you can't make him come back."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...<P>Everything else that was said is <B>NOT</B> what is preached here! Sorry F.B.H... Confusing newbies who want to hear the MB appraoch is not what we are here for.<P>Thoughts like "WASTING 3 months 'waiting' for him to come back"... and "MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE! GET A LIFE!"... and "Being evil and vidictive" are counter to a narrower path taught by the Harleys!<P>The recommended approach of a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...(this too is for growth) followed by a possible <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> (also for personal growth) should be attempted first!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#3.) The (betrayed) spouse needs to know that he/she had done his/her best to save their marriage. (page 76 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... the 'bible' of the infidelity forum)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#4.) If the (betrayed) spouse follows the plans (A & B), and they(the plans) fail, the (betrayed) spouse would no longer have any feelings of love for the wayward spouse. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...to not give any time to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> or <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> will only leave you empty and not prepared to better yourself!<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

Jim,<P>With all due respect, what I posted is what real life is. *I* not only have gone through it, but others have. <P>I wish I had more constructive views and options when I went through it myself, but reality is, you follow the natural cycles. <P>Why should she 'wait around' for her husband to come back? THAT is being constuctive? Living in a glass ball? <P>She does need to get going and get a kick start and find HER own life, not sit around and 'wait' for someone to decide for her what her next move should be.<P>Reality is that her husband is probably not planning on comming back, she needs to quit wallowing and hanging on every word and disecting what little this man is saying to her. <P>I didn't post to make waves. I posted from what happened to me, and what my views were. I THOUGHT that is what these forums were for....to discuss life situations and what has happened to the person posting in their life. <P>If not, then I will bow out gracefully and find another forum to join. <P>Peace~<P>F.B.H.

Do you suppose it is possible to do the MB principles and also get on with your life??<P>I think I do. NOw I've had a very short time to deal with this, but somewhere very early on I learned to detach myself. In fact I told my H that I was notgoing to give up my memories o f the last 11 years.<P>I tried to plan A, but he moved out and then continued to direct anger towards me, so I went to Plan B. <P>I don't know much at this point.. i.e. what went wrong in our marraige and how I was unaware of it. when and how the "affair" started, if it is only EA or PA also. But I do know this. I will make sure that I am doing what I can to preserve whatever feeling I have for him. I will know that I have tried everything to keep my vows. I want to at least be able to tell my children that (ages 10-8-5). <P>But at the same time, I am doing things. Volunteering at school, I am in a book club, I am exercising, reading, planning on going back to work, starting new hobbies, regaining my faith in a way that I never thought I would, in fact growing. <P>Even if we don't get back together, I don't want to have bitterness. I had a very good marraige for 11 years and I know that that husband and father did also. This guy, well maybe he's not too happy. He'll have to figure that one out on his own.

FBH - "Real life" is different to different people. The problems that we all face may be the same, but since we are all different people, our approaches will be different. Perhaps what you did may have worked for you, but did it make your marriage successful? No, apparently not, as you are now with someone else. Was your method successful for you? I would hesitate to say yes, since you delighted in, as you say yourself: "Being evil and vidictive." Being evil and vindictive is NOT part of "healing" it is an childish and immature and a natural reaction to pain and shame.<P>Please read the concepts of this site. Read all the articles and peruse through some of the old posts in the "read only" section of the forum. Marriages CAN survive infidelity, and "getting on with your life" IS part of that - MB does not stand for making yourself a doormat, nor sitting down for abuse. The ideas of working on elimination of Love Busters and learning how to meet the emotional needs of your spouse do not make you a doormat. They DO make you a better person and a better mate. Marriages are not business arrangements, nor are they as simple as friendships. Healthy, successful marriages meet most of the criteria for co-dependence. It is when co-dependence is with a partner who is an abuser that the situation becomes UNhealthy.<P>There are too many counselors out there who are preaching "get rid of him - you are co-dependent!" and they are partially responsible for the skyrocketing divorce rate in this country. The vast majority of them are not even certified for marriage and family counselling and SOME of them (Like Dr. Laura Schlessinger) are not even trained psychologists (Dr. Laura has her doctorate in physiology which is the study of the BODY - not the mind or emotions).<P>Sorry to get up on that soapbox, but this is my pet peeve: Standing for your marriage is NOT weak and is NOT co-dependent - it is YOUR CHOICE. Divorce hurts everyone - even those without children. And, since 85% of all divorced men wish they had never gotten divorced, I'd say it wasn't always the best choice for those who have done it.<P>OK, off the soapbox now.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>