Hi all,<P>A few weeks ago I found out that my husband of 22 years had been having sorta of a fling with his secretary at work. <P>At first he denied it. But I had caught him in too many lies over the last 8 months to really believe anything he was telling me at that point. <P>I do believe that it never made it to the sexual side of an affair but that his and the OW's feeling had reached that . It was next of the schedule. <P>He says alot of his feeling for her stemmed from her being there for him when he walked out last September. He could talk to her because her marriage was on the rocks too. They could relate. <P>Anyway he came back to me after being gone for 6 days. Said he wanted to be with me.<BR>Things between us was better then ever. Great communication, emotional and sexual needs being meet. Or so I thought. <P>Back in Nov. and Dec. she barely worked at all, but when she did. I noticed things happened around the office. Flowers appeared for her with the excuse they were from her hubby or a friend. I never even thought for a moment they was from my H. Why should I , I was in hog heaven, lapping up all the attention I was getting from him.<P>Then her H showed up at our house one night, drunk, talking of beating up my H. for having an affair with his W. My H denied anything was going on. But did tell him and me that he did Love her. To me he made it sound like it was a friendship thing. To him too I am sure. The OW H had found a card that my H had wrote her.<P>To make a long story short. She didn't come back to work until the first week of Feb.<BR>That day is a day I will always remember. I found a Valentine card on the desk at the office. I thought to myself that wow, the H is not going to forget Valentine's day for a change. I decided to read card. It was like really great. Something personal put in side written by him. I put it aside, going to act surprised on Valentine's Day. <P>I was never given that chance. The card went missing and later that evening I found it shredded to pieces in the waste can. <BR>My hands were shaking so hard when I found that card. Who besides the OW or my H would have done that. When I asked the H if he had given the OW a Valentine's Card he said yes. Then I asked him if he was in the habit of giving her cards that read ( then I quoted what I had read that he had written)<BR>He claimed that it was a joke for her H. <BR>I told him that I didn't think it was funny.<BR>I later discovered that he had given her more cards and flowers. And the reason that she had stopped working was because their feeling for each other were getting too strong. I feel betrayed , I can't seem to shake this feeling. I have told him only once seen then that I love him. It was something that I did daily before. I don't feel the love anymore. I can't trust what he is telling me. <P>I need some advice on what to do next. This has been over 6 weeks now, and I can't seem to think straight , I have lost over 10 pounds. On the few occasions that I have let myself make love to him. I have visions of them together. Even tho he told me that it never happened. I can't seem to kiss him with out images popping in front of me and making me sick. I can't even enjoy myself and I am very unhappy. I have had people tell me in the past few weeks that they notice that neither of us are happy. <P><BR>Sorry this is so long. But tell me how do I trust him again not to betray our vows again.<BR>Because whether or not they had sex doesn't mean anything. It was still adultery in my eyes when he brought another woman into our marriage. Am I right? <P><BR>Unsure once again.<BR>

Welcome <B>UnsureWhat-2-DoNext</B>...<P>Your H hasn't stopped his affair yet...<BR>Have you approached him about his conviction to end the affair?...<BR>Is he at the point where you and he can write that "How to tell a lover that the relationship is over letter" (on page 58-59 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>).<P>Is counseling a possibility?<P>Only when you have that commitment... can you even consider using the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>... so you can the...<BR><B>Extraordinary precautions</B> to take to guarantee separation...<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> Changing jobs and relocating (Situation dependent)<BR><LI> Blocking all communication (phone, e-mail, pager, etc.)<BR><LI> Accounting for time<BR><LI> Accounting for money<BR><LI> Spending leisure time together<BR></OL><P>Now... I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>Prayers to you... <P>Jim

Unsurewhat-2-Donext<P>My heart is breaking. I can appreciate your pain. According to all the MB info, H has to first agree to stop any and all contact with this OW and to go to great extremes if necessary to do so. So long as he is still in contact with her, verbal, visual or any other method, there is just no way you can begin to move forward on this. (My own H has done this and I still can't move forward.)<P>As a woman, I would say to stop being intimate with him. I really think this will tear you up emotionally and is also giving him the wrong signals. I don't know what MB's advice is on this, never read anything about it. But I've been there myself before. Not this time. Completely cut him off. Men, sorry men, who have betrayed seem to think that when you give the intimacy that they are already forgiven even when they haven't made any attempt to change. And thus, change doesn't happen.<P>My H has as much as told me that becuase in the past, basically, I didn't punish him enough for what he'd done (I did Plan A) that he knew he could get away with it again. Okay, so he's a real creep who didn't grow up--but the point is, dont' reward him for his wrong doing. <P>But above all, don't even try to begin trusting him again. What did he do to earn your trust? He's done nothing. It's one thing if he is trying, but he isn't even doing that.<P>Take it one step at a time. Back up. Go to the beginning. First all contact with the OW is brought to an immediate and abrupt end. No need for long goodbyes or closure. That's it, over and done with. ...but never really done...not until he goes through his withdrawal and works to see your forgiveness and genuinely tries to change.<P>Forgiveness will come, the trust will come. But it's far too soon. Look for it well over a year from now. That's my own opinion but I think it is more than accurate. If it comes any faster, he's probably not sincere about his recovery. It takes time. The affair didn't happen in a week's time, it won't heal in a week's time either. <P>Best of luck.

Your message brought tears to my eyes. I found out about my husband's affair with a woman at work last October--just 3 weeks after my 50th birthday. (I wondered why he didn't bother to get me a gift....although deep down, I knew.) I asked my husband on numerous ocassions if he was "seeing anyone else" or "wanting to see someone else," etc. and always got "No!" or "I can't believe you'd even ask me that!" What I'm trying to say is this: no matter how hard it is for you to accept, chances are there's more to their relationship then he's letting on. Is he willing to stop seeing/talking with her completely? If he isn't, then perhaps you need to decide whether you want to continue putting yourself through this pain with no apparent end in sight, or if you're willing to risk losing him completely by taking a stand. Think about it, have you REALLY got him now? First, though, my suggestion to you would be to seek out a GOOD counselor to help YOU get your thoughts together before you make any decisions. (Ask your physician if he/she could refer you to one if you can't find a good one on your own.) If you are like me, or undoubtedly anyone who has gone through this, your mind is a whirlpool of pain, anger, anxiety--total chaos--which obviously doesn't make for good decision making. My counselor is the only reason I'm not a total "basket case," and has been my IMPARTIAL friend and confidante whenever I've thought I couldn't get through another day. Try to help yourself, then decide what to do about your marriage. Remember one thing: No one deserves to be treated as if their feelings don't matter. You DO matter! You deserve to be treated with love and respect. <P>------------------<BR>Wounds within take longer to heal....

Gosh Folks,<P>It looks like I have gotten some really good advice from you all. I appreciate it all.<P>It has been a long almost 2 months since things went down around here. Things are somewhat a little better. If nothing else I have learned that the person in me can't let this control my life. I have to move on. At this point in time I will be moving on with my H. I do love him. And even tho I still do not trust him completely to not do this again. <P>Amger and Hate is something that God has never let stay in my life for long. Usually only momemts, at the most. This is not over by a long shot but I have prayed about it and believe within my heart that God doesn't want things to continue the way that they were in the last 2 months. I have to let it go and try to put the pieces of our marriage back together.<P>I have demanded that my H pay attention to me. 2 nights ago I approched him with my feelings and told him that I was going crazy. Maybe I needed to see a shrink before I did. We talked for a long time, sort of worked out a few of our problems.<P>As for contact with the other woman. He has seen her at church once. That is all that she has come. I didn't see them talk at the time. A couple of weeks back she stopped at the office to pick up the rest of her things. She wasn't there long but did talk for a few minutes in private with my H outside. I know because I passed by and seen them. <BR>I have seen her on several occassions myself and she avoids being in the room with me by herself. I have not personally talked to her other then the day after I found the shredded card when she suggested that my H must be going a little crazy and denying that the card was wrote for her and that he had told her that it was for me. Bah bah. <BR>We had agreed to talk the next day and nothing as come of that. Must be guilt. <P>You know the really bad thing is that I considered her my friend and I told her things that girl friends share. When she first started working for us, she had been there a few weeks when out of the blue she told me that I didn't have anything to worry about that she wasn't going to be a Husband stiller. Maybe I should have watched her more closely. Oh well. <BR>Thanks again for all the advice. Will take more if anyone has any.<P>Unsure, is still basicly unsure but is surviving. <P><BR>

I'm glad to here there are improvements... <P>How is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>... for you?<P>What other concepts have helped you?...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>?...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>?...<P>Future good luck... <P>Jim

Good for you! You obviously have pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and decided to take control of your life again! I hope, though, that you will still seek counselling--by yourself AND as a couple. It really does make a difference. If he is sincere about saving your marriage, he will do whatever is necessary. The best to you!<P>------------------<BR>Wounds within take longer to heal....