My husband just told me two weeks ago that he had an affair eight months ago. I was pregnant at the time. This person was a stranger that he met and slept with three times over the period of a week and a half. He says he broke it off with her by telling her he couldn't do it anymore. He claims to not have had feelings for her. What he says is that she made him feel important and she paid attention to him. We were both very unhappy in our marriage at that time. Obviously he was more so than me. I don't know if I will ever be a whole person again. She has robbed something so precious from me. I grill him about the details because I hate to think there are secrets between them that I will never know. Although realistically there will ALWAYS be secrets between them. He told me out of guilt as I never would have found out. When I think about him with her I think I will die. How can I live the rest of my life feeling like he is comparing me to her? She is younger and has never had children so everything was still in the right place. It is more than I can bear. I don't know if it is worse that it was just basically about sex or not. Of course I don't know how he really felt about her because he is not the most trustworthy source obviously. Any words of encouragement would be appreciated.

I'm so sorry to hear this, I have been going through a similar situation. It's a hard pill to swallow, but if your husband is willing to work it out and you think it's worth working out, hang on in there. I think it's being deceived that hurts so bad. I'm still in the hurting and trying to heal process, but sometimes I don't yhink I can endure. Prayer helps, but the hurt stays there and it is something that you will have to deal with yourself. What reason did your husband give you for cheating? Do you know of a reason he would go elsewhere for sex, which is all what it seems to be? I hope everything turns out in your favor. But believe me you have a long hard road to trek, the pain will turn your life completely around, just keep the faith.<P>Heaven <P>------------------<BR>HW

Welcome <B>Dead Inside</B>...<P>Before I give you my link to a general welcome some thoughts...<P>Your husband confessed...<BR>...you are... by that mear fact <B>so</B> far ahead of most people here at this forum...<BR>...you may find that a small consolation...<BR>...but build on it! <P>Without knowing many of the details... I'd recommend some counseling... to bring you back together into a <B>full recovery</B> ASAP...<P>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>Do read the recommend sites...<BR>...and get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>After reading the welcome post do check out my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> section on "Recovery" and in particular check out the following posts...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006615.html" TARGET=_blank>How to rebuild my spouse's trust?</A>...and...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000274.html" TARGET=_blank>Things my husband did to rebuild trust</A><P>Now... I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>Prayers... <P>Jim

Dead Inside. I know how you feel when you first find out. Actually, I still don't know exactly what happened in my case. All I know is that my h left to live by himself one month ago. <P>Actually, from what I gather, a PA (just sex) is actually easier to get over than an emotional affair (which is what my H is having). I know it is a big kick in the ego. You wonder what is wrong with you. But......I think with just sex there are not a lot of secrets......It is SEX......<P><BR>With an emotional affair there seems to be a holding on for a longer period of time. It seems to me from what I have been reading and seeing here on the board that EA's are more fantastical!!!! <P>Of course both are devastating and are NOT the real issue, just a symptom... (So you still need to find out what is going on!!)<BR>But if you want this marraige to work for both of you, I would suggest you get your hands on all the material you can. Buy the book "surviving an Affair" and "His needs Her needs". My eyes have truly been opened by reading these books. <P>I wonder if you really can step out of yourself for a moment and ask you H. calmly how he feels about the responsibility of being a parent (and/spouse) what he might say. I think the prospect of having to have total responsibility for another human being is daunting!!!!!!!<P>Dead Inside....It is a very difficult task but you really have to step outside of yourself and see this as HIS problem!!!! Remember...First seek to understand....and then be understood!!!!!<P><BR>I am sorry that you feel robbed. I know I do also........My children have been robbed too. You will begin to learn a lot more about yourself and your relationships.. Keep your mind and your heart open!!! OK?

Thank you for your support. It is funny how comforting words from a stranger can be. As I wrote that I realized how ironic it is to say that because that is probably exactly how my husband felt. You ask me why I think my husband would go outside our marriage for sex. I stayed up half the night last night reading His Needs Her Needs and that book just basically sums it up. I got NOTHING from him in our relationship at all. I felt like he just wanted me to take care of his children and to satisfy his sexual desires. Once when he was groping me and couldn't understand why I was unresponsive I told him that it was as if our neighbor across the street came and wanted to have sex with me. That is how disconnected I felt. Add that in with my insecurities over gaining a lot of weight during pregnancy and actually being eight months pregnant at the time... sex just wasn't happening. I know I was selfish, as was he, prior to the affair. I wish I could go back. We are going to go to counseling with our pastor. We already had one session with another guy at the church and it was very disconcerting for me as he just wanted to focus on forgiveness and how this can make our marriage better than ever. I know that is the mature answer. But it is difficult to grasp when you are swirling around in unimaginable pain. Since he told me about the affair, oddly enough we have met more of each other's needs than ever before, even before marriage. It is just really hard to be like, "Oh let me meet your needs while I am in this excruciating agony." He is understanding I guess and tries to be supportive. He feels that God convicted him to tell me as he prayed morning and night about this. He wants us to constantly pray and I know this is right. Sometimes I just don't have the words. I am trying to decipher if it really was a physical affair or an emotional one too. He did sleep with her three times and spent a couple of hours with her each time. What made him keep going back other than the obvious. He had to have feelings for her. He admitted that he wanted her to be special but she was not. That's what he says but I will never know the truth. I worry about what will happen in the future when we encounter problems. What will keep him from doing it again. I worry about my children. My older child is freaked out because of my inability to function as I used to. And my baby, what kind of a legacy is that that she never had a father who was faithful. I could go on but won't. I am just so hurt. I am past the serious suicidal thoughts but still think it wouldn't be so bad if I just died.

Dead Inside,<P>Just reading your post. Here are some FACTS that you can take to the bank.<P>1. You H chose you and prefers you to the OW.<P>2. Your H loves you deeply or he wouldn't have the deep need to confess to you. (It is hurting you and it is hurting him.)<P>3. He obviously wasn't emotionally involved with OW, although that is what he was seeking with her.<P>4. If your H can be honest with you about this, when it would have been safer to have just hidden it, then you can trust that he wants this marriage to work.<P>I know you are deeply hurt and this is all new to you, but give it time. Your H is on your side here. He wants to save the marriage and couldn't if he continued to hide from you, his very serious sin.<P>Don't make any rash decisions now. Just talk with him and let time and counseling work on the problem.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

Dear Dead Inside,<P>I'm sorry that you, too, are enduring one of life's greatest disappointments. I think you will find this site to be a Godsend. It helps so much to know that you are not alone at a time like this. Most of us here have walked this painful road, and we are more than willing to share how to cope with the pain and rebuild your shattered world. Also, the anonymity of the site enables you to freely discuss your most personal thoughts and questions in a way you might never be able to with someone who knew you.<P>You've gotten a lot of good advice already. If you would like a strong dose of hope, read my post on the General Questions Forum, entitled: "A story of hope... how I survived my wife's affair."<P>Best Wishes,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

Dead Inside<BR>I want to recommend a couple of really good books that I believe can help you here.....<P>After the Affair by Janis Spring has a list of the physical effects of an affair on the wounded spouse. It will help you realize that you are not going crazy here. Your reactions are normal and you will get better. It takes time and a decision to get better, but it will happen.<P>My personal favorite book on the restoration of a marriage after an affair is Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It is written for both spouses to read....with chapters for each on the process that the other is going through. It is also scripturally sound, but it isn't "preachy" and doesn't just throw the "forgive and forget" concept at the issue. I got my copy at Amazon.com and highly recommend that you get it and read it.<P>Please understand that you are in shock here....physically, mentally, and emotionally. Two weeks after the revelation of my husband's affair I was still not eating or sleeping through the night. I didn't go a day without crying and had terrible trouble controlling my thoughts. Thankfully, my children were teenagers and able to care for themselves because my husband and I were totally engrossed in each other. We spent every moment that we weren't at work clinging to each other, with me alternating between intense questioning and anger, tears, and passion. It was quite a roller coaster for a long time.<P>There were days when I truly thought I would never feel "normal" again....I didn't even know what normal felt like. But I did realize one day about 3-4 months later that I was actually happy...I felt normal again! That was a rest stop along the way and a positive milestone I could look back on during the healing process.<P>It sounds like you are on the right track here. Total reliance on God is the first, most important step. God understands your inablity to concentrate.....just simply saying "help me, Lord" is enough. He knows your heart and if you will give Him all the pieces He will put it back together again. I love the devotion book Experiencing God Day by Day by Henry Blackaby.....I think you could find some wonderful words of comfort and direction there. I also highly recommend reading in the Psalms....God used them in wonderful ways to touch my heart and soul.<P>The fact that your husband has prayed and was convicted to reveal his mistake to you is worth everything. You have a gift in that, that many here would love to have.....a broken spouse who wants to mend the hurt is the biggest part of the healing equation. Let him do everything he can to reach out to you and help you through this. Express your anger and hurt to him....and listen as he expresses his pain to you. Believe me, a broken unfaithful spouse is feeling intense shame and pain. Offering your love and acceptance doesn't condone what he did.....showing grace to him proves your strength and love.<P>Take some time....breath deeply and try to rest. Your marriage didn't get into trouble overnight and you won't heal that way either. The affair is not your fault....but you already realize that the condition of your marriage is the fault of both of you. Take the time to examine it and work on it carefully and completely. You will be giving your children a wonderful gift as you do....the affair will be a part of your history that they never have to know if they are very young....but the lessons you learn will be things you can model for them and teach them as they grow. Remember that the best gifts you can give your children are the gift of modeling a Christ-like life and to love each other....after that everything else will fall into place.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>