It's been a month since I spoke to my wife about my feeling that we are very distant from each other emotionally. A week later I discovered her EA. It's been hell on earth facing my "shattered illusion" and dealing with my feelings (something I don't do very well), but the materials here and a few other books have helped. My wife has yet to commit to rebuilding our relationship so a "Plan A" is not yet an option. I am fully committed.<P>My wife and I had a chat yesterday (her request) and she said she wants me to consider a separation for about 3 months to allow the "dust to settle". She says she needs time to clear her head and my constantly being around doesn't give her time to think straight. She has told me that she has stopped contact with OM. The OM even approached me after their exposure to apologize and admit it was wrong. I have no evidence to suggest that they are still seeing each other (other than the chance "sightings").<P>I can't seem to swallow the notion of separation. I work out of a homeoffice (but travel also) so my work, my children, my life is here. She also has a home based business and is here a lot too. I can't seem to work out the practical details in my head. On one hand, I can see the logic. We are around each other a lot and it's hard for both of us to hide the hurt. On the other hand, I don't think I can yet assume the full responsibility for the house and our children if she leaves, yet don't want leave my children and "an open door" for the OM by going myself.<P>I have promised to supress my need to share my feelings with her (most have been good ones and a few bad), stop doing things for her and restrict/confine our discussions to things about the household, childern and other things but not our situation, effectively, trying to put some distance between us without either leaving. We'll try this for a week or two and then decide what we should do next. I know/feel that she doesn't want to leave me but she is not sure how she can stay with me. I understand her turmoil and recognize her feelings of loss regarding the OM. I can't honestly be too compasionate since I still reeling from the shock and grieving my own loss. <P>At times I feel like giving up and moving on and putting this whole ugly thing behind me. Then one of my sons will come and give me a hug (just because) or ask me to play. My wife will say something comlimentary to me or accept a compliment from me. These and other little things give me the strength to endure and the will to continue.<P>Sorry for rambling.<p>[This message has been edited by NickM (edited April 22, 2000).]

Nick,<BR>Plan A is an option!! Your wife is still home so Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. You can do that even when there is no committment from your spouse. You just can't put any pressure on them. <P>Do little things for her. Help with housework if you don't already, compliment her, any little thing you can think of.<P>Don't feel like it is hopeless because it isn't! <P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi,<P>Thanks for the reply. I have been doing just that for the past month. The problem is that my wife feels like I'm smothering her now. I still help more around the house and with the kids (including more play), but she has asked me to "keep a distance". I have stopped turning down the bed for her (we sleep in different rooms), telling her how nice she looks/smells, and telling her how I feel about me, her, us, everything. She said recently that if I had been doing those things all along, we wouldn't be here now. I certainly agree with my part in it. I know from the site that I can't really make deposits into her Love Bank just yet so I'm just trying to avoid any busters.<P>On the good side, she stilll cooks, cleans, and "takes care" of me. She even made some ice tea for me yesterday. Little things like this help me and I look forward to the big things.

Stick to it Nick... (Mitzi's right!)<P>Dr. Harley would tell you...<BR>...even you think your Plan A efforts don't appear to be working... they are.<P>Like small seeds just planted...<BR>...they'grow... and develop! (Not all... but most!)<P> <P>Jim

Keep up the plan A...... Do everything you can not to separate. Keep doing what you should have been doing. It will take here more time to turn her thinking around. As long as you are together and doing the right things, things will work out given time. Your story sounded like mine. We are placing our house up for sale this week to get away from our neighbor. I know he still thinks about her because sometime he follows her. Read my profile...<P>You are on the right track, don't let yourself get derailed now......<P><BR>

Well, I have tried and I keep trying but my wife told me this morning that we need to separate for a while. She says she needs some time to clear her head and overcome the bad feelings she has for me and can't do that while I'm around. She has made no committment and even resents the things I now do around here. The very things I haven't been doing that made her feel like this in the first place. I'm so confused. If I don't move out, she will and will likely take our 2 boys with her. Either way I lose. Can't say how much this truly sucks!

Nick,<P>I hate to be a pessimist but I don't think your wife just wants to "clear her head". I think she does want you out of the way so she can continue with OM.<P>I say this based on my personal experience in my own situation. <P>We are 3+ months past discovery. My wife has physically (not sexually) been with him 4-5 times that I am aware of and continues to accept his phone calls still. She recently go a full time job and her plan is for us to separate as soon as she saves up some money.<P>Trust me, Iknow where you are right now. you need to do what is right for you. If you can continue to live with her in your house, avoid love busters, and get along peacefully, you should stay. It's her choice to separate, she needs to move out if that's what she wants.<P>If on the other hand you can't take the pain, can't keep from love busting, then maybe you need to leave for your own sake - Plan B. <P>Only you can decide what is right for you. Just make sure any decision you make is based on what you need and what you think is right. Don't leave just because she wants you to.<P>I can't tell you how things will turn out. my own situation is still very much undecided, just know you can't control her, help her make her decision, or do much to rebuild until she is ready to let you. Just do the best you can to take care of you, your kids, and whatever your wife will let you do for her.<P>It must be very tough having the OM right in the neighborhood. I don't know what to tell you about that. Just realize that if your wife does decide to re-commit to the marriage, distance will be required for any chance of success.

Thanks for the reply,<P>My wife told me this morning that she will start looking for an apt on Monday. I too believe she still wants to see him. I realize I can do nothing to keep them apart. I told her that we will set up a "separation" fund to pay for apt expenses (she is a "work at home" mom). We'll likely divide up some of our belongings and work out a schedule regarding the kids. I can't even describe how low I feel. Funny thing though, I see my neighbor, the OM, almost everyday and I feel quite ambivilent towards him. I feel like I should want to punch his lights out but I don't.<P>Right now, I don't feel anger towards anyone, him, my wife or even me. I'm just feel drained, and empty. I love my wife and want so badly to begin healing and rebuilding but she has yet to decide what she wants. She says she does not want a divorce, just some time to think. Since I can't force her to stay then I have no choice but to release her and pray that she returns to us one day.

Nick, I know just how you feel. Except I didn't know truthfully about the OP until shortly before my H left.<P>My H has been living in an apt for about 6 weeks. But I truly backed up and gave him space. I helped him move and gave him things and gave him an open door policy regarding the kids.<P>We have had ups and downs and I actually had to resort to a plan B for a weekend. But now I have noticedt that at a very few occasions he is softening a bit. It is incredibly painful... WE live in a very small town. There is a lot of gossip. He comes from a very tight family. They all know what has happened. <P>He works with the OP and she helps him a lot. I don't know if he even knows how he can get himself out of this situaltion.<P>I think letting him go as gracefully as I could was helpful. Even though I have gotton blamed for everything. <P>My H also said " I need time to think" I do believe that he needed time to think about whether the relationship with the OP is worth it. He may not have come to his conclusion yet I don't know. All I know is I can't control it.

Nick,<P>tootrusting... is right...<BR>"All I know is I can't control it."<P>Are you a person of some faith...<BR>...it could help a lot to move back to a faith you may have had... or improve upon it... or even find one...<P>Patience is the hardest of all virtues to follow in a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... because it is required for a time longer than we're with our spouses.<P>Check out some of the "Inspirational Messages" on the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post.<P> <P>I praying for you... <P>Jim

I spoke with the OM this morning. He is surprising distraught over this whole thing. He feels he has contributed to ruining our marriage (he has) and has lost 2 of his best friends (my wife and I). I actually feel sorry for him. He says he wishes he could turn back the clock but obviously we can't. I asked and he said he could be "just friends" with my wife and would like to be friends again with me. I told him that I can't see the future and I can't see him in a friendly way right now but I appreciated his sentiments. He has been avoiding all contact with my wife and even said he is almost ready to tell his wife. It incredible somethings how screwed up things can really get.<BR>I think, given time and my wife's attitude towards this, I can forgive him and maybe even call him friend again.

NickM,<P>I hate to tell you this but you nor your wife can ever be friends with OM again. If you read the Harley materials, really the only way to get your marriage to heal is to remove OM from your life. If he remains friends with your W, she will never get through the withdrawl she is going through now.<P>It may be best that she leave so that she can separate herself from OM. But ultimately she will go through withdrawl which it sounds as if she is, (it has only been a month). During that period she will reject most of what you do for her, but she will remember that you did do it later. That will help.<P>Hang in there NickM, it is a long ride but you can make it.<P>Apparently, the OM hasn't told his W and he doesn't seem to have any problems letting go of your W. Is this because he is afraid of losing his marriage as you are at risk of doing? Just curious.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

I know that I'm kidding myself by thinking there's some graceful way out of this. The OM apparently is not ready to abandon his wife and family, my wife even told me this. So now she must be wrestling with the notion that he may not have been very sincere in his emotions towards her. I can't say for sure since she refuses to talk to me about it. We have both started counseling (separate counselors). She is still determined to separate but I am going on a trip for the next 10 days so the separation is postponed. I'm hoping that my absence will take the "edge" off of the tension we both feel. I am overflowing with anxiety since they will have virtually unrestricted access to each other and I don't even know if she will still be here when I get back. I told her this last night and she said she has done nothing to give me that impression. I nearly said, but didn't, that she never gave me the impression we'd be having talks like this until 6 weeks ago. While I belive that I am making a big mistake in the short run, it will likely be the best thing in the long run. I still wish to reconcile and rebuild and will continue working towards that goal but am starting to accept that this may not work out.

NickM,<P>Go on the trip and don't worry. You ask how can he say such a stupid thing. Well, it is easy . No you cannot trust you W. But you aren't trusting her now are you? She will do what she will do and there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. Trust is not really an issue here. You cannot trust her, but she has already cheated and you can trust that. Doesn't help much does it. <P>So go on the trip. Do the best job you can and enjoy 10 days away from this mess. Your W may use the time productively or she may mess up, as you know by now you cannot make her do either.<P>Call and check in as you would. Ask if everyone is alright, yada yada yada, but don't even bother talking to her about this. <BR>It is time to give her the space she wants and you need. <P>The only thing you can control is how good of a job you do on the trip. Do it. The rest will take time. <P>The OM is probably sorry about this because what started out as fun and games has turned something very serious. He with your W's help may have destroyed your marriage. And he gets to watch it go, just as his may go if his W finds out.<P>Your W may not realize this but OM does. He has hurt her more than you have ever done. He has hurt your children and he may do the same to his own. If he has a conscience at all this is eating him up. <P>Your wife cannot afford to face what she has done. So you are the bad guy. But her OM knows and so does she.<P>She has to find a way to save some face here. Her OM does not want to lose his marriage. She has seriously jeapordized hers, and she knows that her children and you will pay for her stupidity. Hard to face, easier to blame the spouse.<P>Think about this NickM. In someways you are better off than the rest is this mess. Use the 10 days productively. You can only work on yourself, your W has to face this mess on her own.<P>God Bless,<P>JL