We have been married 28 years and have four grown children. I just found out this week that 16 years ago my wife had a "one night stand" with another man. She has not said who and I do not know if I really want to know. She has been a good wife for all of these years, but still this is bothering me greatly. I can not get the the phrase she used out of my head; "I wish it had not happened." Well that makes two of us. I know that some would say it was 16 years ago and only one time get over it, but so far I can not. Since separating is not an option... I guess I am just stuck with the memory. It sure has soured things.

Dear WCJames,<P>Go easier on yourself! You've just had to hear one of the worst things that a man can hear his wife say. Of course you're not over it yet!<P>Don't think that because others have had to endure more painful situations, that you shouldn't be permitted a time of hurting yourself. My strong recommendation is for you to learn all you can here before saying or doing anything significant. If you say or do something in anger or hurt, both you and your wife may have to live with the consequences forever.<P>If you want to read an encouraging story of overcoming the pain you are feeling, read: "A story of hope... how I survived my wife's affair" on the General Questions forum.<P>Best wishes for your recovery, <P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

Welcome <B>wcjames</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>--------------------------------------------<P>About your post...<P>There is a great deal of pain in your post...<BR>It signals work is needed to help your marriage... and yes it can be made better.<P>See the "Success stories" on my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>... in addition to <B>BrokenButNotCrushed</B>'s post.<P>Also take a look at the 2 "Trust" related posts in the <B>Recovery:</B> section... <P>Be thankful that your W has started down the road of following <B><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3903_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Rule of Honesty:</A></B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse... it may be of small confort now... but as you work through this... it will help... <P>Jim

wcjames,<P>Has your wife explained why she decided to tell you now after 16 years? Is there something else going on in your marriage now, that would prompt this confession? Has had anything else to say other than she wished it hadn't happened?<P>It seems to me you will need to know a few of these things in order for you to recover from this news. It may have been 16 years for her to handle this information, but to you it is only a few days. Your feelings are pretty normal, but conversation with your wife may help you heal this wound.<P>I look forward to hearing from you.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Something I have always found interesting when it comes to infidelity is the reason why people are hurt.<P>Most people will retort with "My partner had SEX with someone else!!!!" and believe that it is the reason for their pain.<P>The funny thing is that when I ask them (and when I asked myself) if the fact they actually had sex with someone else was more painful than their partners deception and exclusion of them.... they seem to realise that it is the later that hurts more.<P>What I mean by this is simple. You feel betrayed... your partner chose to have sex with someone else... that excluded you and there was deception in their doing it, a breaking of trust, the telling of lies, hiding of the truth. In all of this the actual act of intercourse seems very minor... but everything else that goes WITH it is what causes all the pain.<P>WcJames... Think on this. Your W had a one night stand 16 years ago... yes that hurt, but in the 16 years that followed she included you in everything, did not deceive you in anything, was with you and there for you. Sure, give this infidelity its due... but at least it was not something that was continuing over a long period.<P>One mistake is just that... a mistake... a continued re-occurance of something they know is wrong is purely disrespectful.

"Has your wife explained why she decided to tell you now after 16 years? Is there something else going on in your marriage now, that would prompt this confession? Has had anything else to say other than she wished it hadn't happened?"<BR>Here is how it came up. First 16 years ago when it happened I suspected something, but I was in denial and accepted her flimsy explanation of where she was and what she was doing. Over the last 16 years I have not thought too much about it. Then last week I had lunch with a girl that I knew in High School. A perfectly innocent lunch. If fact HER husband was there with us. Well my wife got very angry and wanted to know why I seemed the need to have lunch with a girl I knew in High School. Ordinarily she is not the jealous type. This was a little out of character. Well it all came back to me about the "evening" she was not where she said she was going. So I said to her "I have been faithful for 28 years, which is probably more than I can say about you!" I had really not thought about it in all these years. It just sort of came bubbling up. Well her reply was "I wish it hadn't happened." Now she will not discuss why she has kept IT from me for all of these years or naything else about it. If I say anything she just does not respond. Since we can not talk it out, AND since we have had a pretty good marriage up till now, I am bewildered. So I guess I am just going to have to figure out what I want to do alone and then just do it!<BR>

wcjames -- There are times when I truly believe that a "one night stand" is more damaging to the soul than an extended relationship. My reasoning behind this is that at least on some level (and I have no intention of going into the mirade of possibilities here), there is a commitment in an extended relationship. In a "one night stand" the betraying partner is simply saying . . . My relationship with my spouse, does not mean enough to prevent this from happening.<P>I do not say this to belittle any of the feelings experienced by those members of this forum who have been forced to survive long standing infidelities. I simply feel that many times, the "one night stand" is looked on as something insignificant. It's not.<P>As for your feelings right now. . .While the infidelity may have taken place 16 years ago for your W, for you, it took place yesterday.<P>Give yourself some time to digest and heal. I would strongly encourage you to read the information you will find on this site, and please continue to post here. You will find many here who will help you sort through all of this.<P>God Bless

Well I certainly appreciate all of the advice and it all makes pretty good sense. The part that is tearing me up right now is the fact that I am having to handle all of this alone. In a conflict situation I always want to talk the problem through and solve it. My wife right now does not want to talk about it at all. It is as if she does not talk about it it will go away. The message that said to me it "just happen yesterday" is exactly how I feel. Well anyway, I have made a decision and it probably does not go along with this web site, but I am going to leave her. I wrote her a note and left it by her bedside. I wanted to talk it through tonight, but she just turned over and went to sleep without saying a word. I do not know how she can sleep and I can not even function. I know this must sound pretty drastic, especially with the problems I read here that other people experience -- and somehow make it through. But, that is not me --- especially going it alone. I am spending the night at the office and tomorrow I am going to move out and start over. I am only taking my clothes and my computer. I do not want anything else that will remind me of THAT life. Thanks all!<p>[This message has been edited by wcjames (edited March 22, 2000).]

wcjames,<P>Your actions seem a bit rash to me. They, in fact, validate why she hasn't told you about this or is willing to talk with you about it.<P>You see this has very clearly been on her mind for 16 years. Or her answer would not of popped up so quickly to your challenge. It has been eating at her. The jealousy she showed may have been part of this whole episode. That is why Harley preaches honesty in a marriage.<P>Now if I am right about her feeling, then you need to consider the following:<P>1. Do I love my wife?<P>2. Can I understand the guilt she has had to deal with?<P>3. Can I talk with her about this without throwing it back in her face everytime something goes wrong? ( You did after all throw it in her face when she confronted you. I would have probably done the same thing. )<P>4. Am I a strong enough man to forgive?<P>If you answer yes to these questions then tell her. These are in many ways the Plan A approach. No LB's , no disrespectful judgments, and finally no throwing the past back into the S 's face to hurt them.<P>wcj, You can get her to talk but she needs to have confidence that you won't make her pay for the rest of her life. You also need to understand that if she is sorry for what she did, she has been paying for it for 16 years. Guilt is reaps a terrible vengence on the guilty.<P>So please think about this and when you do, just remember she apparently is having a more difficult time forgiving herself than you will forgiving her. You won't have to seek revenge or punishment, she has and is already doing it to herself.<P>I look forward to hearing from you.<P>God Bless You and Your Wife,<P>JL

Dear wcjames,<P>You have a choice. It may not seem like it with the way your emotions are shouting at you right now, but you still can choose what to do.<P>Don't leave your wife.<P>I understand what you are feeling, as I experienced the same instinctive emotion. There were several points in my recovery where I felt I would crawl out of my skin if I didn't 'do something.' Since your wife won't even talk to you, it must be especially hard. That's where we can help be an outlet for the feelings that need to be released.<P>For me, there was one point in particular where the impulse became so overwhelming that I felt like I just had to run somewhere. I had no place in particular to go, I just needed to run. With 20/20 hindsight, I'm very glad I didn't.<P>You are in shock, whether you realize it or not. You need time to be able to think clearly. If you just leave, you will greatly complicate what is already a difficult situation.<P>Consider this from your wife's perspective (mine also waited years before confessing). She has dealt with a terrible mistake in her life through repression. There's no other way she could have kept things up for 16 years without utterly burying the experience in some deep corner of her psyche.<P>Now, 16 years later, you want to talk it through. It's brand new to you; it's a distant memory to her. In all likelihood, she won't even remember things clearly enough to answer some of your questions. But more importantly, being forced to talk about an event buried away for 16 years will be very traumatic for her. She may seem indifferent, but that's just the surface. Deep down, she is very afraid.<P>By the way, 'starting over' is an illusion generated by the impulse to run. Think of the ties that bind you after 28 years... Besides, what you really want to run from, you cannot. It is inside you. Wherever you go, the pain will go with you, until you deal with it. Running will only prolong and intensify your suffering.<P>What got me through my impulse to run was the faith-based understanding that running would not help me, no matter what my emotions were saying. The only way to get past the pain is to walk through it, day by day. It hurts, but it works!<P>The theme 'I'm alone in this' came across strongly. I know you feel that way. Feelings lie.<P>You are not alone. You are fortunate to have found a treasure trove of life experience dealing with your kind of pain. Even more importantly, you have Him to guide you. But you probably won't hear Him when your emotions are off the scale. That's why you need to wait before taking any major action.<P>If you stay, sooner or later your wife will talk about this with you. That's essential to a full recovery. But, if you leave, you will so threaten her sense of security that she may never talk with you. Is that what you really want?<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P> <P> <P> <P> <P><p>[This message has been edited by BrokenButNotCrushed (edited March 23, 2000).]

She loves you. Don't forget that.<P>You are both in the same boat. You have a great life together and you want to forget Geraldine Ferraro...I mean something obscure that happened way back in 1984.<P>You are obssessed with questions...who, why, what, how, positions, etc.<P>Do you have some details already? Stop, don't ask any more questions. Tell your wife that the best way to be free of this once and for all is to recreate the act together. Change the associations of then with the reality of now as husband and wife.<P>The same place, the same day of the week, marking your territory so to speak.<P>Precede it with the most romantic dinner out that you've ever taken your wife on.<P>When it's over, laugh about it. Keep it light and humorous.<BR>