We have been together for almost 16yrs 8 years married 1 little 3yr old girl. He has always loved to flirt, but started a new job recently and found comfort w/ another woman. She is 1 yr older than he is (5 yrs older than me), divorced and has 2 kids. It started as flirting and blossomed into him calling her at night to see if she got home safely after they went out w/ a group of friends. He calls it "marriage lite", would not let me leave w/ the baby - threatened to call the police that i was kidnapping her and told me i'd get nothing if i divorced him. Claims he loves me and doesn't want to lose me - but just enjoys the attention. I can't look at him without wanting to cry. and he tells me that i should just drop it and he doesn't deserve the emotional guilt i have given him the past 4 weeks over this because in his mind he has not done anything wrong. He told me that he would stop it and he did stop going out but the office flirting continues and he won't stop that.<P>What do i Do?

HSSH,<BR>I think you were right by pointing out his INAPPROPRIATE behaviour. I know you probably wont find comfort in what I type...but...It seems that he made the effort ot stop the afterwork socializing. Thats a brownie point in my book..he cares enough to stop! The office flirtation is somthing that you cant control. Has he always exuded a flirtacious personality? <BR>ruby

Thank you for responding to my message. It feels good to talk to someone other than my parents who are hurt by this as well.<BR>Yes he has always been flirtatous with women but i never felt threatend by it. This particular instance he has gone out of his way to make her feel special by calling her from his cell phone to make sure she got home ok after they would all go out after work (said he needed to create an illusion for her that he was interested so she would continue to give him the attention that his EGO needs). He hasn't gone out for 1 month but came home wednesday and told me that he misses going out with friends from work and asked if he could go on Thurs. I basically told him the price he would pay by going out and asked if he saw her that day (asked if she was wearing a short skirt or what else could have prompted this - he denied that it was prompted by anything). I found out this wkend that on Wednesday she came into his office and told him that his wife must be an extraordinary woman because he was able to resist in order to save his marriage. I freaked out because that told me that they still have flirtatious communication and he has not ended the relationship w/ her - only put it on hold. <P>[This message has been edited by HighSchoolSweetHearts (edited March 28, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by HighSchoolSweetHearts (edited March 28, 2000).]

Go with him! Tell him "yeah I'd love to go out too. Perhaps the reason he feels he needs his ego pumped is that he doesnt feel admired by you. (understandibly so at this point} Start flirting with him..and If you go out put a huge smile on your face and dont ever let the woman see your threatened.<BR>How old are you and your H. Sounds like he might have a touch of a Midlifecrises. Purchase a hot outfit and dress to kill...flirt flirt flirt with him. If he doesnt want you to attend the outing..I'd nip it in the bud. Have you sat down and shared with him your feelings of vulnerablilty. Have you expressed how this is truly bothering you. Sorry for babbling. Somthings just not right here. Why would he tell you that she said"your wife must be good woman for you to resist yada yada yada"<BR>He may not be having a physical affair...but I see an EA coming. The calls on the cell phone is a big red flag. I hope Im not upsetting you...Ive been where you are.<BR>chin up.<BR>ruby

Ruby, thank you for responding to me.<P>I have asked to go w/ him and he said he just won't go out anymore. I agree that he is having an EA, but he doesn't see it that way - he feels he is just befriending her because she is boosting his ego and it is an extension of work that it has absolutely nothing to do w/ me and that he never compared her to me because he loves me. Said he "never washed his dirty laundry in front of her was just there for her" she needs a friend. I told him that she should find a friend who is not married. He told me what she said because i told him i want to feel like he's doing things for me that he's not doing for other people and he tried to make me feel better by telling me that this ***** envy's me and what she said. He doesn't see that by him coming home from work that night and asking to go out the next night he is going thru withdrawls. I know i did a LB but demanding that he cut off all communications w/ her and be a cold fish (not that i'll know if he really does) but i can't stand it. I also cannot go and check the cell phone calls anymore because he changed the password on the internet. For 1 month i was in Plan A, but this past wkend put me in an emotional crisis where i don't want to make him feel loved i want him to hurt the way i am. He claims he needs this because he is so stressed from work. I do know that his work is very hard and demanding mentally - but that is no excuse for what he is doing. Says he doesn't care about her - would have done it if any attractive woman came over and started paying him the attention she is. The only reason he said he called was because he needed to give her little tid bits to make her feel like she was getting something out of the friendship too. and that the friendship is purly one sided - his terms only and he knows eventually she will get tired of that and not want to persue him anymore. He enjoys it because he doesn't have to comprimise like he does in his marriage. Said he wouldn't want to be w/ a woman who always did everything for him. (he's mentally sick i think) I am 31 and he is 35 - ow is 36. I thought it would be a midlife crisis and asked him about it he said probably - and so i asked why he just didn't go and buy a car - he said too expensive - so i asked if his marriage was cheaper than car.<P>ps- i changed my nick to SoUnhappy from HighSchoolSweetHearts <P>Thanks again for becoming my friend<P>[This message has been edited by SoUnhappy (edited March 29, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by SoUnhappy (edited March 29, 2000).]

Yes, sounds like he is either in or on the verge of an EA. My H has always been a bit gallant towards other women, but until recently was never near stepping over the line. Yet, as careful as he thought he was, it happened...he says it never seemed dangerous to him to spend so much time talking with her, bcs it was not a sexual relationship...then, he realized he was "in-love." Your H probably doesn't really realize he's in danger either.<P>I do see some good things...your H doesn't seem to be hiding things from you, he has cut off most afterwork contact. He is telling you what EN this woman meets for him (feeding his ego). Keep up Plan A. Never say anything bad about the OW. Don't act jealous.<P>Make it clear that you love him and admire him. If he's willing to talk about improving your marraige (not about his outside relationship), see if he'll go thru the EN qaires with you. See if there's something new and fun you two can do together as a couple. Make your marriage a safe, fun place to be.<P>Hang in there--<BR>Kathi

Thanks Kathi,<P>It is so hard not to put her down to him. And i am trying so hard to keep up Plan A, but I can't help comparing myself to her all the time and wonder how much she talks to him at work.<P>I cannot focus on anything anymore but this. I have started therapy but he won't go w/ me. Doesn't even want to know that I am going. It is amazing to me that he doesn't think he is or has done anything wrong. WHat is causing their eyes to be so blind. I've threatened to him that i will call her boss at work and tell him to kindly keep his employees away from my husband, and that i would call her best friend who watches her kids when she goes out and ask her how she would like it if her husband was seeing another woman and how could she babysit knowing what she is doing.<P>I am beside myself w/ grief over this.

Hi,<BR>I think Kathie is correct. Dont show your frustration and try not to whine/nag..it will only push him in a direction you do not wish him to go. I personally think he's a piece of crap for carrying on like a teenager in Heat...sorry but I just want to strangle the opposite sex sometimes. I think his rhetoric puffery with the "Ego excuse" is just that....this is BS. You should be number one on his list of priorities period. I think my H is going thru the same except he bought a motorcycle...a hog to be exact. Hang tough gal...and remember this is probably the safest place for you to get out your frustrations and not lash out to him.<BR>I hope that I am of some comfort...I understand your hurt.<BR>ruby

I think my H is a piece of crap for doing this too. I wish he would buy something instead. Ironically i said he should buy a nice little car and the he actually thought it was funny to say - but then i'd need a nice little piece next to me to drive around. Sometime i wonder if he's worth going thru this trouble - but my daughter who is 3 really loves her dad. He thinks its funny and since i lost over 10lbs he actually said "i should cheat on you every year if you start to gain weight". I told him how hurt it made me and he said it was just a joke. I try to take comfort in the fact that he does come home at night and does not go out after work, calls when he is leaving the office and calls from the car to talk a little. I don't think he has had sex w/ her - enjoys it w/ me too much. But I hate him for allowing her to come between us.<P>

SoUnhappy--<P>Have you read all of the info. at this website? Keep reading, and keep posting. At least it feels good to have a place to get it out, doesn't it? <P>My first thought...not only is your H allowing this woman to come between you two, but you are too! You keep bringing her up, asking questions in your alarm. If he wasn't thinking about her, you are reminding him. Quit it! Pull his attention back to YOU. <P>Stop acting nervous, upset and insecure. He is YOUR H. If I were you, I'd certainly make it a point to attend the after-work gathers WITH him...looking your best, of course. It will give you a confidence boost.<P>Think back how you acted when you first started seeing your H. You probably flirted, and smiled, and complimented...things your H is seeing little of these days while you're so upset.<P>Feel free to express your feelings if the subject of OW comes up, but keep your TONES calm and easygoing.<P>From your description, I personally think this woman is bad news. I DO understand your upset. But you've got the "upper hand" here. Keep it. <P>If you have any skills as an actress, maybe it's time to turn the tables on your H, just a tad. If you're comfortable doing this, that is. Flirt with other men when your H will notice (and I DO mean just a little, don't want to get trouble going in other ways!), but always be charming and attentive to H himself. Sounds like he needs a kick in the rump to remember what a wonderful woman he has at home! And if he's going to be stubborn and continue flirting with a woman when he KNOWS it upsets you, seeing attention you get might set him to thinking...and reconsidering his recent actions. Just be careful though.

Thank you lucky - and yes thank goodness for MB. I am here most of my day while i am at work. THis site has helped me cope and not torment him as much. Hiding my feelings from him is such a difficult task - but something i am learning to do slowly. He said the same thing that he didn't think about her as much when he was seeing her socially as he is now due to my constant mentions of the situation. In my gut i want to know everything - like why he accepted her phone number when she gave it to him and what they talk about. I've asked to go out w/ him socially w/ his co-workers but he won't take me. Said he'd rather just not go. I will continue w/ my attempt at plan A. THan you for responding.<P>

Simple. Get all dolled up. Go to his workplace and harmlessly flirt with one of his male superiors.<P>Get a little vulgar if necessary.<P>When your husband hears all the office people giggling and runs out from behind his little desk and tries to stop you, tell him<BR>"this is how you make me feel. Stop disrespecting my feelings."<P>If that doesn't work, go right back up to his boss and get flirt more outrageously.<P>If you have the gutts to do this, he will learn his lesson once and for all and nobody gets hurts. You were just putting on a big act, no harm done.<BR>

I disagree with Cuckold. SoUnhappy's H is so worried she'll do or say something to embarrass him while they're out with his work friends he has stated he'd just rather not go. If she carried on outrageously AT his work place it would be a major lovebuster and his anger would override any point she was trying to make. To him, she would be in the wrong, period.<P>I think Plan A is the way to go. No more threats about getting OW in trouble unless you do it in ways that appeal to his sense of humor and can do it without obvious jealousy or payback) and certainly no actions that will embarrass him. <P>Keep working on joining the work friends socially sometimes by being the your most precious. He will eventually be unable to come up with objections and welcome your company...sometimes. Part of this is your H being able to unwind after work, before he begins his evening at home. If it seems like work and home are going to crash with your presence, he's not going to want you there. <P>There are little things you can do to feel you've gained the upperhand. After an enjoyable evening together, send him flowers at work. Tell the florist to omit the envelope--just the card showing that says, "Last night was marvelous. I love you, sweets." OW will see it. Makes plans to have lunch with him, and show up a little early so you can make your presence known (and also check out what's going on). Be very affectionate. <P>If you are successful in joining the gang out somewhere, take a few moments to bond with OW one-on-one by mentioning something a tad personal H told you about her...and that you hope that little problem gets better for her. This will make it obvious that H keeps no secrets from you.<P>Otherwise, avoid mentioning OW at home. If you must, tell him you need to talk about the situation for a little while and that you really appreciate him helping you through it (he will see an end to the conversation shortly, and feeling appreciated fulfills one of his emotional needs). Remain calm and pleasant.<P>An interesting idea would be if you could host a little party for his work friends at home. Think she would show up? It would be on your turf.

I believe in Plan A in a lot of cases, but not in this particular one. I wish my Mother had done what I advised you to do.<P>If you don't call his bluff, you are in for a long hard road of more of the same results over and over again.<P>The issues are his disrespect of you and his deluding himself into thinking that flirting is harmless and even manly.<P>If you don't take my advice and nip this thing in the bud once and for all, in time after more and more of this continuous excruiciating pain you suffer, you will finally explode into a zillion lovebusters of fury.<P>Not exactly Plan A is it? Take my original advice. His bark is worse than his bite, stand up to him.<BR>