I am struggling thru plan A. It has been 1 month since i found out about EA H has w/ OW (co worker). when he came home and asked if he could go out w/ friends after work (later found out she told him how remarkable he is for being able to resist her to save his marriage- that same night he asks if he could go out) I no longer want to work at plan A. I want him to hurt the way my heart hurts from what he's done to me. I have been the one who gets him after his bad days at work - she see's him when he's mr. personality. I feel like she gets the flower while i'm stuck with the root.

My wife complained about this about me for years. Everyone I worked with always told her how much fun I was to work with and what a great guy I was. She got the tired, grumpy, "please leave me alone" guy when I came home. This plus other things finally drove a wedge between us and now she is the one having an EA. All I can say is for you to search and determine what you really want. If it's to rebuild your marriage, then you must fight the feeling to "make him suffer". He comes home because you still provide important needs for him. These are most likely things the OM is not providing. The hardest part of a Plan A (as I am finding out), is sticking to the plan, avoiding love busters, and the general feeling that your spouse is not interested and you are doing all of the work (you are) so why even bother. The best part of Plan A if it doesn't work (as I am also finding out), is that you can assure yourself that you have done everything possible to prevent a breakup. The breakup still hurts, but there's nothing you could have done to stop it.<P>I have made more than a few mistakes in my Plan A. My wife is still determined to separate (but not ready to divorce). When she goes, she'll go knowing that the only way our marriage will end is if she wants it too. I have no control over her feelings, only over my actions/reactions.<P>Good luck.<p>[This message has been edited by NickM (edited April 22, 2000).]

It's only been a short time for you. Wait before you do anything you might regret. You can always do it later. Plaan A is difficult. Very difficult especially at the beginning.<P>You've barely had enough time to realize what has happened. You askd for a lawyer in another post. I'd say hold off until you can make a decision not based on emotions.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

SoUnhappy,<P>Are you sure you are not marrried to my husband, too? Your story sounded all too familiar. It's been about 3 weeks since I found out & we haven't had time to even work out everything. Plan A is not going well for me either. I have tried. But I just want to smack him! I hope everyone is right about it taking time. I read something on here the other day (I can't remember where) that someone said ,"you have to give it time (Plan A/PlanB), what is a couple months or even years for a lifetime comittment." Good Luck!!

So Unhappy,<P>It's been 3 months since d day for me. I/we were doing pretty good, but lately I just feel so negative about the whole thing. I feel like we really didn't make any progress. I don't think we handled it very well, kinda swept it under the rug after I forgave him.<P>I ordered the book Torn Asunder yesterday. I couldn't find it at any local book stores or libraries. We read After the Affair in the beginning, but didn't do anything with that info. I also ordered a couple books from the MB book store. I can't wait to get them all.<P>I told my H last night I ordered them and he asked if I really thought we needed them. I think we need to go back to d day and discuss why this happened and how I can be assured it won't happen again. Everything happened from the office so I will never know what he's doing.<P>The internet is something I'm beginning to hate. I have no idea if he's again created another free e-mail - I'll just never know. I've been too trusting and forgiving in the past only to be hurt again. I just can't let this go so easily as in the past.<P>The triggers, etc., have been fewer and far between, but the general mistrust of him seems to be growing.<P>Good luck to you. Some of the best advise I received in the beginning, where you are now, was to relax and breathe (without hyperventalating). Try to think things through and not dwell too much.<P>You are in my prayers.<P>Karen<BR><><

Karen - <P>We could be twins - <BR>The problem w/ the work affair is that we don't know what is happening and my H doesn't seem to see a problem w/ going out w/ her after work for a drink once or twice a week - as long as he promises me that he does not plan on having sex w/ her. Says its just to feed his ego. He actually said to me that she understands him more than i do. It hurts sleeping in the same bed w/ someone that you want to hug - but at the same time hate for making you feel worthless<P>Samantha

Sam,<P>Last year my H e-mailed back and forth throughout the day with a female co-worker he sat directly in front of him. He could have reached out and touched her. I couldn't understand the need to e-mail. She is not attractive by any means. She is single and very impressionable (not my word. Another guy in his office pointed it out and cautioned him).<P>I let it go. We were on again/off again in our engagement and once when we were on again and very strong I called him at work and she answered. She asked if I was his mom and I told her I was his fiancee. We chatted a bit bcs he was out of the office then hung up (I've known her from a few years ago when we worked in the same building). Anyway, that week-end I happen to see an e-mail from her he was reading and it said "you can do what you want, but you know how Bob and I feel about it". <P>We had been having problems and of course she only got his side of the story, which made me look like I was a horrible person.<P>I'm sure to this day he hasn't shared the parts where we're in counseling and even the counselor saw him as unreasonable. I'm sure that has never been shared.<P>I'm quite sure he didn't even tell anyone in his office we were engaged and getting married when we did. People were shocked to see the ring on his finger. I'm sure they thought we weren't together and he was seeing the OW. What a f'd up mess. I feel like an idiot sometimes. I learned some things after we were married that I wish I knew before, it might have made a difference.<P>Tell me, if it was YOU having your ego stroked, what would your H do? My H thought I was in a long distance EA in Oct 98 and I went through h*ll last year. Part of me thinks this is why he did what he did and he still thinks I'm in contact with this person, but he won't admit it. <P>Too bad we couldn't sit face to face drinking coffee to discuss how deep this really goes!<P>Karen

I know how you feel - believe me - being in this forum has helped me understand that i am not the only person who is going thru this.<P>My H actually said he would be hurt if I were having an EA but he feels it is different because he knows how to stop before it gets to serious.<P>They really hurt our hearts.<P>Sam

Samantha, you and I should talk It's been 1 week since I discovered my H having a EA with a coworker. I am struggling everyday to deposit those love units and stay focused on a Plan A approach.<P>Tell me how you've been now, is it any easier? How do you keep going through the pain? My H says he and the OW agree that while they have feelings for each other, they won't act on them. And I am supposed to accept this and trust him. I do trust him, but it's so hard to stop the doubt.<P>I'm worried too that the wall he has up keeps my deposits from getting through. I tell him I love him more than once a day, I compliment him, try to stroke his ego. But I feel as though it falls on deaf ears. I mean, he's home every night with me, sleeps in the same bed. But he doesn't spend all his time with me, a lot is spent alone in "his" room. <P>Anyway, good luck to you and please keep posting here. Seeing other people survive this is what is keeping me going.<P>

Soon,<P>Sorry it took me so long to respond. I don't get by each day. The first 4 wks were ok. I did everything i could to meet his EN. But then on the 4th wk he comes home and asks me to give him my blessing to have her as a friend as long as he swears that he will not sleep w/ her. Well I am in therapy now and continue to LB. I wish i had an answer for you. There are others here who have much more insight to making your marriage work than I do. I read the posts from Kam, and LorVa. They have been where we are and are in recovery. My H tells me that i am being crazy and making more out of this and letting my imagination run wild. <P>Good Luck<P>Samantha

Well, we're into recovery almost 4 months now. My H has not continued contact with OW, but he has been indulging in Internet pornography.<P>Your H is the one who is not looking at this realistically. Out of respect for you, he should be letting go if this relationship with his "friend" and focusing completely on you. He's not doing this because he's still going through withdrawl and he still lives in fear that you will not meet his needs. He hasn't learned to trust you either.<P>This part of recovery is difficult because someone has to step out on a limb to initiate trust building, and it's going to have to be you. Do you want this marriage to survive? Do you want to stay married to this man? You may not be able to answer these questions for yourself for a while, but everyday, you will find a reason to go on, even if you're not completely convinced.<P>It is difficult to give forgiveness if he's still committing the crimes. I suggest you read "The Art of Forgiving" by Lewis B. Smedes. Very helpful points on the how and why of forgiving and whether or not to forgive.<P>You also need to take time to communicate effectively with your H. Does he want to work the needs questionnaire? Is he willing to save this marriage? Find out his intentions. Ask him to be as honest as he can with himself and with you. If he wants you, then let him know in as loving a way as possible that he needs to be more obvious about it! And if you want him, let him know it! Be happy to see him, greet him warmly when he comes in the door. Sometimes I have HATED doing that, but I did it anyway, and it paid off. It felt so "shallow" doing that, but hey, I'm just as "shallow" and love feeling wanted as well.<P>Good luck, and keep praying. God will turn your H's heart to you, just trust in Him!<P>JP

thank you for your advice. I try everyday but as soon as i see him - i cannot help but lb. I don't know how to separate myself from the situation. It is consuming me completely. How did you find the strenght

Dear SoUnhappy,<P>These EA's are so insidious. The spouse defends his involvement as an innocent, platonic one, because no sexual contact has occurred. The betrayer accuses you of "selfishness" and cries "Why can't you think of me for once? The one time I refuse to give you what you want, [relinquishing the OP] you can't stand it!"<P> Contact between the two of them continues, either by e-mail or phone, emotional intimacy between the two of them flourishes. They have more fun with each other than you two have together, and they are bound even more tightly because you are an "unreasonable, jealous uptight B**] In time your marriage erodes away, the OP really "understands" the H/W, and their bond strengthens. <P>H of OW upon hearing through his W that I was feeling discontent about their closeness, suggested the families getting together for fun times. Supposed to make me feel more secure. It seemed like a good idea, I went along with it, because it put it all out in the open, and it was not just one-on-one, the two of them. We did that for a few years. <P>That's probably not going to happen with you, since H wants to go out for drinks after work with co-worker. Additionally, alcohol lowers the inhibitions and creates a feeling of warmth and comaraderie between people, more confidences are exchanged, "innocent" flirtation and double entendres are thrown out, (GRRRR). <P>Our get-togethers with the two families only highlighted how little he and I had in common and how easy and fun they were together, while I became the outsider, watching with a knot in my throat. He pulled further and further away from me.<P>I can't offer you advice, only commiseration, because I'm bailing out the same boat using a teacup. <P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited April 25, 2000).]

SoUnHappy,<BR>I can't get ANY credit for strength. I am a spineless weakling, and capable of changing nothing in my life! I have to give all the credit, for the strength, for the healing in my marriage, for my H's turn around in attitude, to God.<P>Yeah, when my H would come in the door, my attitude would go down the toilet. I was really good all day at not overeating, but the moment he came home, my head was firmly ensconsed in the fridge. Going to bed with him was the worst. And he kept saying all this was my fault because I was so fat, so unattractive.<P>I prayed, I prayed my hert out. When I couldn't go to sleep with the man, I prayed. And this is how I would do it. I would take my bible (I've got an easy to understand cheater bible, written in modern English), and my journal and a pen. I would sit in a quiet place and get comfortable. I would think about how I was really feeling. I was as honest as possible. I prayed to God, telling him all my fears, worries, expressing all my anger. Sometimes I would start writting, because I tend to express myself better on paper, it helped me to concentrate because my mind was racing so fast. Writing slowed my thoughts down and helped me to calm down.<P>Then, I would close my eyes and open the bible and sure enough, it always opened up to what God wanted me to know. At first it was a lot of God just rephrasing what I had just said to Him. He even helped me go deeper into my heart and pul even more angry, hateful, fearful feelings out. Just knowing He knew exactly how I felt was so comforting. I cried such tears, and sobbed with all my strength. Then He showed me how he was here to comfort me, to heal me, to bring renewal to my spirit and peace to my soul. Sometimes he lead me to the Psalms, sometimes to Lamentations, sometimes to Romans or Timothy.<P>I started to see how through prayer, my attitude was changing. Eventually, God began to gently correcting me, showing me my sins, of pride and arrogance, lieing, and of not relying on him. I finally stopped obsessing over what my H had done and looked at my responsibility in all of this mess. I was NOT responsible for having been molested and how that affected me, but I was responsible for not allowing God to heal me because I wanted to roll around in my feelings of victimization for a while. I was not responsible for my H's choice to have the affair, or his choice to seek Internet porn. I was, however, responsible for not fulfilling my wifely role to love him like I should have.<P>Now, everyday, I recommit my marriage to God, telling Him that it is to His glory that we will survive, as a testament to His great power. My H is changing daily. He is so much sweeter to me, more gentle. He is paying attention to me, to what I have to contribute in our life together. I feel so much a part of this marriage now, whereas before it felt like life was about all of his needs/desires and I was just along for the ride. He's a much more tender father now, and a much better lover as well! And he hasn't even turned to God yet, something that God and I are still discussing! I just have to be patient.<P>Pray you heart out to God, only He can heal your pain. You have to be prepared to make God #1 in your life, and give up your marriage to Him. He will then return it to you repaired and stronger than ever. And your H will forget his "friendship" and seek out only you.<P>I will pray for you too.<P>JP