I found out one week ago that my husband of 15 years has been seeing someone else. This person happened to be someone I considered a friend. Although we were not close we gathered at social functions, she was at my home two days before I found out that this was going on. I had my suspicions about him and her as I found some e-mails. The way they were signed seemed to be a little to intimate for me. When I questioned my husband he told me that there was nothing going on. I even caught him on the phone with her. One night while I was in bed, and he was in the garage I heard my phone click in my room. I thought it was one of the children so I picked up. I heard a woman on the phone very briefly. When I confronted him with it he told me I was crazy and I was on a witch hunt. He made me feel guitly for suspecting him. Needless to say after that I got very suspicious. I got into his e-mail last Mon. and found two cards he sent to her and one she sent to him. Needless to say one stated she was an excellent lover, the other said I have loved you from the beginning and the other said thanks for a wonderful evening. Well I blew up and he blew up and told me it was over he has been unhappy for years. Being that my husband is a strong catholic, a dedicated military member of 18 years, and has never before given me any reason to not trust him. Long story short, he states that they became close at work (she works with him)because she is getting a divorce and he talked to her about his problems. They bowl together and the nights they went bowling they would talk and he has kissed her several times. They also have chatted over the internet. He did leave but has since come back after many hours of talking. He really is a good man, seems to be very emotionally distraught and guilty over what he did. He says he loves me and I have struggled to come to the conclusion that I could forgive him for this. Am I being stupid? We have been married for 15 years. I don't want to throw that all away. I don't think he is lying to me and I don't want to pressure him to give me intimate details. What should I do?

Welcome <B>idcwife</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>Do start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<BR>Amd read everything you can here... start at my welcome link... and post and read!<P> <P>Jim

15 years may be just that. 15years. Don't stay in it because you have a "history". The Jews had a history with Hitler doesn't mean they wanted it to stay that way. Do what you feel in your heart, not what is good for the children, not what you feel a good forgiving wife of fifteen years would do, but do what is good for you. Once you do that and are true to yourself, it can minimize some of the aftershocks that this revelation has and will cause. Be honest with the kids too. Do not live in a house of scorn and disrespect. It will kill your spirit.<P>The Catholic and Military thing are merely organizations he is affiliated with. What he is showing you now, through his actions, that is him. He has some Self Worth issues that he needs to work out. Let him do that. You work on you and let him work on him. <P>How do you feel right now?<BR>What's your plan of action on helping you get through this?<BR>If you want to stay in the marriage, because you are happy in the marriage (not safe or secure, but happy) and feel that you can get past this then do what you think will help. Counselling is recommended.<P>If he even mentions remotely, slightly, even for a second that he wants out, LET HIM GO!! Don't let him sit and think about how he could be throwing away his "safety net" that the marriage is offering him now. Because if he even utters it, that's the real him talking. If he renegs and changes his mind, don't be too quick to jump on this, because he may be feeling riddle with guilt over hurting you and may not want to leave to cause you more pain. You don't some one to marry you because they feel sorry for you.<P>Or he may decide to change his mind because he has lived life this way for so long he can't imagine living any other way. That's just fear. You don't want him out of fear.<P>Anyway, I have to stop here. I hope this helps. All the Best.<P>HT<P>

Has your husband been acting strange in any other way? My husband also is having an relationship with someone who used to be a very close friend of mine. But he will not admit to anything, and his whole personality has changed when he is around me. If your husband had undergone a personality change, I would be very suspicious of him. My husband who used to say he would never lie to me, now will lie all the time and that is just one of the strange things he now does. Good Luck. Nancy

I must disagree with part of HT's response...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Do what you feel in your heart, not what is good for the children, not what you feel a good forgiving wife of fifteen years would do, but do what is good for you. Once you do that and are true to yourself, it can minimize some of the aftershocks that this revelation has and will cause.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Being married is about being comitted, even if that's not what you feel like at the moment..."for better or worse" is in those vows for a reason, you know?<P>You may not feel like trying to work on your marriage right now...and, who could blame you? But, you owe yourself, your kids and the marriage you committed to to give it your best shot. As with many of us here, you may find that as you work on rebuidling your marriage, the feelings come back stringer than ever. And, if not, you will at least know that you've done your best.<P>Oh, and I also have to disgree that this shows what he's really like. Sometimes that IS true. More often, it is a case of a spouse who is feeling older, has some needs that aren't being met in the marriage, generally looking for a way of feeling better...they "fall into" an affair, and act very out-of-character. Think about whther this fits your H.<P>There is a lot of great info here...read the stuff on the homepage about infidelity and about learning to meet each others needs and make each other happy. Get a copy of "Surviving an Affair". <P>I think from what you have posted, you have a good chance at building a better than ever marriage.<P>Best wishes--<P>Kathi

Thanks to all that replied. I am feeling better with each passing day. Since he has been home though I feel as if he is a bit stand-offish for lack of better words. Like we are both afraid we will say something wrong. I know he is very concerned about me bringing up what he did as a dig, and before he came back I told him that I would not do that. I do not know however, if I should bring a few things up. Like he told me that this began 3 months ago. Her e-mail name which was set up specifically for them to chat, he has one also, had 1999 attached to it. If it started only 3 months ago why would that be. Also the "excellent lover" thing. I see kissing as kissing. It does not make someone an excellent lover. And what about her words of I will love you forever. I really want to ask him about these things but I don't know if it is too soon. He has only been home for 2 days. But I must agree with Kathy. I know something was missing with us. And thats why I feel I need to know the above things. But I still feel like we can create a better than ever marriage. Oh boy....so confused.

By the way tomorrow is bowling nite. She will be there. Apparently this is where it started at. Should I go? Should I give him the space to prove things to me. He says I have nothing to worry about, but he has lied to me before!!!!

I have to comment on HeyThere‘s post.<P>Looked at your profile & noticed you only have one post (this one). Don’t know how long you have been around here or what you story is, but you do not seem to have a grasp of any of the marriage builders principles. This is a site to help marriages in trouble & to help marriages become stronger.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Because if he even utters it, that's the real him talking.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>So he says one thing in 15 years & “it’s the real him?”<P>idcwife,<BR>Stop & take a few breaths. A week is no time to really grasp what has happened and absolutely no time to make such a life changing decision. Pay attention to NSR’s post. Ask questions here. Above all, REMAIN CALM!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

idcwife<P>GO BOWLING with him. If he truly wants to make his marriage work then you both need to show this woman you are commited to rebuilding. I know it will be hard for you, but I think you should go. He broke your trust and he must know it won't be mended over night.<P>Or maybe he could get a sub to fill in for him. It's not like it would be the end of the world if he missed anight of bowling. I personally think my marriage would be more important than bowling.<P>It sounds as though things are positive and he wants to make his marriage work.<P>Good luck and God Bless!<P>K<BR><><

apologies<p>[This message has been edited by mercy (edited April 19, 2000).]

IDC wife<P>First of all, let me say this. Look for "members" before you take their advice. A "junior member" isnt always right. Here at MB we are here to rebuild the marriage. So I totally disagree with HT. That is not what this is about.<P>You may want to start posting on the General Questions thread. You will get alot of people in your position.<P>I am a betrayer. So I can relate to your H. I am still in Withdrawal as we speak. And it is HELL. Do I still love my h? Well, that was a ? I had at one time. Now I know I do. What happens is this. The OP is filling the need. That is it. He may be "in love" with her right now. But once the new wears off and the old shines through. Boy, we can change our minds. <P>I would suggest reading His Needs Her Needs. This will help you to understand a little better. He is not in love with her. At this point it could be anyone that is filling the needs that you didnt. Im not bashing you by any means. I know this must hurt like hell. I have to watch my H. But, I can now see that the OM was not a "wonderful" person. All he done was give me what my H wasnt. <P>Now, you are very very lucky here. I know you are thinking your not. But you are. There are alot of people that would love to have their spouse at home. Because that is where he needs to be. You cant try to rebuild if he isnt there. <P>First, You will do plan A. The main thing is this. I KNOW THIS WILL BE HARD. BE HIS BEST FRIEND. When he goes into withdrawal (HELL) he is going to be DEPRESSED. To him it is the end of the world. I HAVE BEEN THERE. Tell him he can tell you everyhting about the OP. What they done and all. The key is for you to find out what made him so happy. When he realizes the "friend you are, then he will start coming around. <P>You can build a marriage that is undestructable. I am now starting to have feelings for H. The kind I had years ago.<P>I will keep you in my prayers. You may email me if you like. Rpstyle@aol.com Tell H I have been there. Post in general questions.<BR>Keep me updated. I want to know how it goes.<P>Prayers<BR>Renee

DITTO TO WHAT MERCY SAID!!!!<P>That has been known to happen. The OP leark here.

I haven't been here for a while. I appreciate all of the replies I have recieved. My H has been back now for about a month. He tells me he knows what he did was wrong and that I am making a bigger deal out of it than it really was. He swear he did not sleep with her, and that it was merely a good friendship,each of them sharing their problems. Although they did kiss. I still feel this is a betrayal. Sometimes I want to know the intimate details and other times I don't. He doesn't want to share what happened with her he says it is better left forgotten. He has a deep need for me to trust him again, but this is also very hard. He is trying to make the relationsip better, but right now I still feel like he is hiding things from me. Not because he is sneaking around again but I believe for fear of hurting me. Do I push the issue of finding out the details of their relationship, or do I try to forget it?<BR>Still so confused.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by idcwife:<BR><B> I know he is very concerned about me bringing up what he did as a dig, and before he came back I told him that I would not do that. I do not know however, if I should bring a few things up.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think you need to bring this up! You need to know what is lacking in your marriage that made this happen. If you don't know that and address that, you can't expect to be happy in the future. You need to talk about this! <P>If he is not willing to be honest about this, how can he be honest with you in the future? Where is HIS trust that you will work through this together? it takes two.<P>It sounds like he is NOT telling the truth. "A good lover" is very different and would never be confused with a "good kisser."<BR>