HI ,<P><BR> I NEED HELP REBUILDING MY MARRIAGE.I HAD A AFFAIR AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY. ME AND MY HUSBAND ARE BACK TOGETHER .WE ARE WORKING THINGS OUT AND TRYING TO GET OUR MARRIAGE BACK ON TRACK. I AM TRYING TO FORGIVE MYSELF AND I AM HAVING A HARD TIME WITH IT. MY HUSBAND LOVES MORE THAN ANYTHING . I REALIZE NOW WHAT I HAVE DONE WRONG AND I HAVE ADMITTED MY MISTAKES TO HIM. I THINK THAT IS A VERY BIG STEP FOR RECOVERY FOR THE BOTH OF US.I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES BUT ,I AM HAVING A TOUGH TIME FORRGIVING MYSELF.SO, IS THERE ANYONE THAT CAN HELP ME? PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR INPUT ON THIS. THANKS ALOT!!!!

Welcome [b][/b]...<P>Check out my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A> post.<P>As far as forgiveness goes... check out...<BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A> and <A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A>.<P> <P>Jim

Dear SWEETBJS,<P>As you probably know now, but didn't before, an affair is an addiction. It drives people to do things they never thought they would or could. People who cheat are almost always focused exclusively on their wants/needs and operate in 'Taker' mode (See Dr. Harley's commentary on Giver vs. Taker).<P>Before a person can forgive themselves, they usually need to understand how they could have done such things in the first place. While I don't know much about your affair, and therefore can't give advice specific to your situation, I did write a detailed post describing why people cheat (entitled: Help for betrayers who want to stop, but can't) and another on general principles in recovering from an affair (Truths I learned from my W's affair).<P>Both these posts are found on the notable posts thread here in this forum. (view earlier pages of this Just Found Out board, and you will find a thread entitled notable posts that will make available many good posts from different authors).<P>A final thought... There are three types of forgiveness, and they are usually strongly connected: 1) Forgiveness from your spouse; 2) Forgiveness of yourself; and 3) Forgiveness from God. You mentioned #2. How are you doing with #1 and #3? <P>Best Wishes,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

HELLO BB,<P><BR> I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR REPLY.I WILL ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS #1 & #3.#1 YES, I ASKED MY SPOUSE TO FORGIVE ME.HE SAID IT WILL TAKE TIME TO FORGIVE ME AND I UNDERSTAND WHY BECAUSE HE NEEDS TIME TO HEAL THAT WOUND THAT I CREATED FOR HIM.I AM HELPING IN EVERY WAY TO HEAL AND MB HAS HELPED A WHOLE LOT.#3 I HAVE STARTED BACK TO CHURCH AND ASKED GOD TO COME INTO MY HEART AND I ASKED HIM TO FORGIVE ME. ME AND MY HUSBAND BOTH ASKED GOD TO COME INTO OUR HEARTS. SINCE, I HAVE ASKED GOD INTO MY LIFE ,THINGS HAVE BEEN GETTING BETTER FOR US AND I LOOK AT THINGS DIFFERENTLY.<BR> MY AFFAIR ONLY LASTED FOR ABOUT 1MONTH & 1/2 .WE WERE GREAT FRIENDS BEFORE THE AFFAIR STARTED. I TOLD HIM EVERYTHING AND I UNDERSTAND NOW THAT I SHOULD HAVE WENT TO MY HUSBAND AND TOLD HIM EVERYTHING. I WENT TO MY HUSBAND AND TOLD HIM THAT IWAS HAVING AFFAIR AND HE KNEW IT ALREADY.THE WAY HE KNEW IT , WAS THE WAY I ACTED TOWARDS HIM.<BR>SO , I QUIT MY JOB BECAUSE THAT WAS WHERE THE OTHER PERSON WORKED TOO. I HAD TO DO THAT SO, IT WOULD HELP ME AND MY HUSBAND GET OUR LIFE TOGETHER.I KNOW I HAVE HURT ALOT OF PEOPLE AND I HAVE ASKED FOR THERE FORGIVENESS. I DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH THAT OTHER PERSON , WHICH IS A GOOD THING . <BR>SO , WHAT I HAVE LEARNED IN HAVING A AFFAIR IS THAT ALL IT DOES IS CAUSES ALOT OF PAIN FOR EVERYONE THAT YOU LOVE. <P> <P>THANKS AGAIN BB FOR YOUR REPLY,<P>SWEETBJS

Hello, Sweets.<P>First let me say that you are making the right choices now. You know what is important and are working towards keeping it. That is not easy under the best of circumstances. <P>Forgivness. We could write volumns on the topic. Let me ask you something. Do you feel worthy of being forgiven? Do you feel like you have the right to be loved? There was a problem before in the marriage and infidelity is the symptom. After disclosure, self-esteem goes in the toilote for both you and your husband. Find a counselor for both individual and marriage related issues. Fix yourself ad fix your marriage. <P>If only it was as easy to do as it is to say. Don't give up on yourself. The rewards wll manifest in the end and are well worth the effort.

Dear SWEETBJS,<P>I'm glad to see that you're on the right road! I wish I knew a shortcut to where you want to be, but it does take time.<P>From what you have written, it sounds like you had the wrong mind-set, and made bad decisions. Now you have the right mind-set, and are making right decisions. You reap what you sow. The good choices you and your H are now making will bring a wonderful harvest in season.<P>Look at the good that has already come out of the affair. From the depths you had sunk to, you realized your need to get right with God. Instead of focusing on guilt over the past, which you cannot change, focus on the wonderful things that God is bringing out of your failure. He told us it would be so: "God works all things for good to those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28).<P>My favorite quote on forgiveness is:<P>"Forgiveness is the fragrance the flower leaves on the heel of the one who crushed it." (Mark Twain)<P>Give yourself some flowers today...<P>Best Wishes,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

HELLO JOE IN TX,<BR> <P> I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR REPLY ON MY NEEDING HELP. SOMETIMES I DON'T FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE LOVED BECAUSE OF MY AFFAIR. I AM WILLING TO WORK HARD AT EARNING MY HUSBANDS TRUST BACK BUT, SINCE THE AFFAIR I FEEL CLOSER TO HIM THAN I HAVE EVER HAVE.I AM ASKING GOD TO HELP ME ALSO TO LEAD ME TO THE RIGHT CHOICES AND SO FAR HE IS LEADING IN THE RIGHT DIREACTION.<P><BR>THANKS ALOT JOE IN TX.,<BR>SWEETBJS <P>

HELLO AGAIN BB,<P><BR> I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR THE BEAUTIFUL QUOTE. I LIKE QUOTES THAT BRIGHTEN MY DAY. I ALSO THINK THAT I AM GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION IN MY LIFE FINALLY. WHEN I ASKED GOD INTO MY LIFE , THATS WHEN THINGS STARTED TO GET BETTER FOR ME AND MY HUSBAND.I AM TRYING SO HARD NOW TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT BETWEEN ME AND MY HUSBAND.LIKE I SAID BEFORE IT WILL TAKE TIME TO HEAL.<P><BR>THANKS BB,<P>SWEETBJS

SWEETBJS,<P>Keep posting...<BR>...but just as a favor...<P>Type in mixed case... not all caps.<P>Most forums/BBs/Chats etc. do lower/mixed cases since it is easier to read.<P>CAPS... is e-message etiquette for "yelling".<P>just FYI...<P><BR>If you want some more inspporational messages check out my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post...<P> <P>Jim