My husband and I have been married for 1 yr and 8 mths. Last week I found out that he had been having an emotional/kissing/heavy petting affair with a co-worker. This week he is planning on telling me all the details, I want to know, because this way, I feel like I can lay it to rest. You know that saying "Love holds no records of wrongs"...He is truely sorry for what he has done, he feels extreamely guilty, and he knows how much pain he has put me through. At times, he wants to end our relationship because of the pain that he has caused me and because he doesn't trust himself. he thought that he had trusted himself once before. I know that this affair was unintentional and due to a breakdown in our communication and opposite schedules, but it still hurts. I don't know what I am feeling, chaos, I think- one minute I love him and want to forgive him, and the next minute I want to be so spiteful that I can't believe the ideas that I have formed. We both want this marriage to work out, we are young (in our 20's), but I have never felt so betrayed in my life! I want to help him get over his guilt and for us to get through this river of pain- but how? I know it will take time, but any words of wisdom would help. How can I deal with this? How can I grieve? When can we become married again instead of being in the place we are now? Some people say that an affair brings people closer together, I hope it can be said for us.

Hi Lucia:<P>Glad to see you made it over to this board. And, welcome. You'll get a lot of support here. This and our counseling sessions together have made a world of difference.<P>As stated in my reply to you over in the Other Topics board, read all you can on this site. Also, get Harley's books... <B>Surviving an Affair</B> and <B>His Needs, Her Needs</B>. They are wonderful. <P>My H had a PA (physical affair) and my dday was back in January. We are 10-1/2 weeks into recovery. The affair ended upon discovery. There were a host of other problems in our relationship including alcohol, which has also stopped! Thank goodness! <P><BR>Anyway...you'll find a lot of good people here, both betrayer and betrayed - which is good, you can see it from both sides. <P>Are you both in counseling? If not, hop to it. It's the best thing that's ever happened to us. Before this, my H never believed in it, and now looks forward to our sessions.<P>In 10-1/2 weeks, we have such wonderful outlooks on our lives together, we spend all our time together (except for work), we are both committed 150% to this marriage. We're both getting to know him as a new person (without the alcohol) and he's finally getting to know me. It's a wonderful thing.<P>Yours can be too. It's so fresh to you right now, you're going to hit alot of ups and downs, but if you're both committed, you'll get through it. <P>Best of luck to you both. Get those books, and read, read, read, post, post, post!<P>If I never had found this site, I'd be going through a divorce right now. I'm so thankful to everyone on this site. <P>Good luck!<P>--purplemag

Hello, Lucia.<P>I am glad you found this board, there are some great people here. You may be young, but you have just faced the worst thing life has to offer. That means you now have 60 years worth of a wonderful, happy life with your husband. These first few days will be rough but you can do this. Most people who go through this survive with a stronger marriage than what they started with. How do you deal with it? One day at a time and no more. Talk with him as much as you can. Do not threaten or acuse him, only discuss how you feel; he can't hear you if he goes defensive. Also, a counselor is highly advisable. How can you grieve? Cry to him. You would be suprised what the male instinct to protect will make us do. Vent your anger to us. We will not judge you and you need to sound off here before doing something dumb (and I have done plenty) that may cause more damage than good. When can you get back to being a loving couple? There is no time frame here. You get there when you get there and not before. But there will be good times and bad along the way. Enjoy the good, the bad times are never as bad as the one before it and eventually they will go away.

Lucia,<BR>welcome. I am the betrayed, my W had an E.A.<BR>There was some kissing, french of course, he tried to pet but she pushed his hand away.<BR>It was a short EA, two weeks or so, only one encouter of the kissing/huggs etc...but...the OM was determine my W told me, he made no bones about it, he wanted her! I figure another 2-3 weeks and it would have been a PA. It still created great pain Like i have never experienced, well..I related to experiening the death of a loved one, that's as close as I can come. D-Day was 9/8/99.<BR>SO we are 7 mos into recovery. Along with the other posts I suggest reading , Five love Languages by Gary Chapman and His needs,Her needs by Harley. We read both together and they made a huge difference. IT is true about being a better marriage, it is for us now. God allowed this major wake up call for us, and we have fixed and are still working ...<BR>Our counseler said it will take several years usually to find the "place" that this affair belongs in your marriage, until then there will be Mental Triggers that hurt from time to time...I found this forum aabout 2 mos after D-day , I wish I had found it sooner.<BR>Hang in there, we all will share from our hearts of what we went through and to assure you there is hope, being a believer in Christ<BR>has also made this healing much better.<BR><P>------------------<BR>jnvc