I want him to be able to tell me the truth and be honest with what his is feeling, but then it hurts me. It has been almost three weeks and he still has thoughts that run through his mind about her. Not about them together, but about her and how she is coping and how she is doing. I want him to let go- what is stopping him????? He told me that I wasn't second best and that if he didn't want to be with me that he wouldn't be...but I am in need of constant reassurance and at times, he can't give that. I don't know what he is going through. In one way I want to help him, but I know that he has to go through the pain himself. I just HATE not knowing what the next day holds, if he will leave or stay, how can I make decisions and plan a future that way? Is it fair?

OK, it is not fair. 100% agreement there. But, unfortunately, that doesnt change a thing.<P>Try to be patient. He chose you, he is with you. But, his feelings for her do not evaporate instantly. If you can look at it without seeing it thru your pain, that makes sense, doesn't it?<P>It will get better with time...time will help his feelings for her to fade. My H had an EA , chose to stop contact with her, but still had very strong feelings of missing her for quite a while (and still has some feelings for her several months later). There were several times I held him while he cried bcs he missed her so much. Yeah, it hurts a lot to listen to his honest feelings. But, I believe it is 100% better than being lied to.<P>It will get better, but I warn you it may get worse before it gets better. Three weeks isn't very long in the scheme of things...healing takes time. Care for each other lovingly when you are down, and have fun together when you can.<P>Best wishes--<BR>Kathi

Lucia,<BR> You may want to post in the general questions forum. You may get more respomses there. Just as a future reference. There are more betrayers there as well. They may help give you insight. Of course the betrayed is there as well to give you hope.<P> I am a betrayer as well. I am on the road to recovery. I think I am at the edge of withdrawal. Dont think that Sataan hasnt tried to weasel his way in either. <BR> I came clean with my H on New Years eve. That is when I started withdrawwal. It is HELL!!! K is right. 3 weeks in that long. I was still nuts for him at 3 weeks. I cant imagine the pain that your in. I know how I have seen my H. <BR> I have to tell you though. You will be so glad you done this. In about 6 months you are going to look back and think WOW!! We are making it! MB was right.<BR> Just so you can have an idea of what the withdrawal is like. Youcan do a search for my post. This is HELL on him. I thought I was going to be suicidal. I am not that type of person to do that either. <BR> A year from now he is going to look back at this. He is going to think, WOW! It wasnt really the OW. It was the need she was feeling. That is how I look at it now. I would much rather have H fill those needs that someone else.<BR> Prayers are with you<BR>Renee<BR>

Lucia,<BR>yes honesty is the best policy, but the timig for the honesty to take place might change.<P>In an ideal situation, and since we always need to know something about what happened and how it happened, our spouse would be able to answer our questions and we would be able to listen to those answers calmly and with an open mind. But hey, in an ideal situation the affair wouldn't have happened anyways!<P>LIfe is not made of ideal situations, and sometimes it's really hard to hear what we thought we wanted to hear. ANd if that happens, I feel it means we're not ready to it yet.<P>If there are things that you need you H to tell you, but you feel that the answers will hurt you, maybe you should wait for a while before you ask. Or do like I did: Just write every questions you have . Keep adding to it, as they come to mind. Just keep it, don't do anything with it. Sometimes just by writing we feel a bit better.<P>Then continue focusing on where you want to go, what you want from this marriage. I assume you're doing plan A? If so,continue it. Don't even attempt to ask the questions you wrote down yet, just keep adding to it if you rememeber more things you need to know.<P>NO matter how wrong it is, or how unfair it is, and effair carries a lot of emotions and feelings, it takes a while for the whole thing to be over, even after it's over.<BR>Thinking about the op , wondering how the op is doing, these are normal thoughts.And no forcing from us can erase then just like that. They have to erase themselves from withtin.<P>This doesn't mean that our recovery stops there. Just that there is one more stage to go trough.<P>I know the uncertainty hurts, but you know what, even in the best relationship, that element is present. There is risk in most everything we do or decide. We cannot let that get us down. <P>Make sure that your H's time at home and with you is a pleasant one, let home be the place where he can relax and feel good without the pressure of feeling defensive or attacked.<P>Do pleasant things together, whatever you both enjoy ( Me and H used to play chess, rent a video, or just sit together in the sofa, holding each other - no talking, just being there -)<P>COncentrate on every positive thing you see happening, and focus your energy into the positive. <BR>DO your best to avoid the op to intrude in your thoughts - which will open the doors for intrusion in you recovery.<P>ANd have hope, a lot of us made it trough, in conditions that sometimes seemed impossible to overcome.<P>Take care<BR>Kat