<BR>TO OVERCOME<P>How do I overcome <BR>the betrayal?<P>How do I overcome<BR>the rejection?<P>How do I overcome<BR>the pain and sorrow<BR>of the lies and deception?<P>How do I overcome<BR>and overpower the memories<BR>of him sharing his heart, his life<BR>and his body!<P>How do I find the strength<BR>to move through the pain?<P>How do I find the strength<BR>to trust and believe in him again?<P>God, you gave me the vision<BR>when I needed to see.<P>Please open my heart<BR>to allow the healing!<BR>

LadyK:<BR> I just read this quote from you on another post:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My H has a history of lying to me and<BR>the lies get bigger each time. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Until he changes this, you are going to have a lot of trouble healing. You replace the feeling of betrayal with feelings of love, understanding and trust...trust is hard if he persists in lying. <P>You and he both need to understand WHY he lies to you...is he afraid he'll lose you? that you'll LB? Or, is he just a dishonest person? You need to understand why he cheated to begin with...it is hard to accept that it won't happen again unless you understand why it happened, and know that whatever brought it about has now been corrected.<P>In otherwords, the two of you have a lot of talking to do, and only honest communicatuon will work. For him to be honest, he has to know he can trust you to take his honesty w/o LBing or leaving. It's hard. But, if you love each other and want to stay married, it is definitely worth it.<P>

Hi, Kam,<P>I married him after being lied to for the past year (not constantly, but enough) so if that doesn't tell him I'm not going anywhere I don't know what does.<P>He has many issues surrounding his childhood and we're going to address them in counseling.<P>If you look back at my old posts from Aug. 99 on, you'll get a good picture of our relationship pre-marriage. <P>I love him and would love to "cure" him, but it's frustrating. I try to be very supportive and let him know I'm not going anywhere and that I accept him unconditionally (minus the other women he has reached out to).<P>Our whole relationship has been one big roller coaster, but I love the man I know he is deep down inside.<P>I'm not ready to let go of my fear that he'll do this again. Being guarded right now allows me my sanity! I really haven't dealt with the pain of discovering his betrayel. I was posting on the "in recovery" board, but I moved back here. This is where I belong right now. Sure he cried and said it was a mistake of a lifetime and sure I forgave him and sure we got married, but I don't think we're in true recovery right now. We isolate tto much and can't seem to get beyond that (and I found out he tried to make contact and lied to my face about it, I had to give him hard copy proof that I knew).<P>Anyway, thank you for responding. God Bless!<p>[This message has been edited by LadyK (edited April 12, 2000).]

You are in recovery, in my opinion...just the earlier, hard, up & down days of it. Everyone probably has their own definition, but to me, recovery is when the betrayer has separated from the OP and is willing to work on the marriage. Its not a destination, but a journey.<P>I remember being in the rocky stage, and almost despairing at times. <P>But, you are working together, you & he seem to recognise he has some issues with honesty to work out, you have some issues with trust to work thru (and you'd have to be a masochist to throw your heart in 100%, without guarding it at all at this stage). Hopefully, his honesty and your trust will both grow together. As long as you are both making progress (even slow, evn with ups and downs), you are on the right path.<P>Well, I managed to type a lot and say little. But, just bcs you aren't where you want to be now, doesn't mean you won't be. Hang in there--<P>Kathi

Kathi,<P>Thank you for your encouraging words! Our problem has never been with one woman. That's what scares me. It seems the betrayers that most talk about here have one person their "addicted" to, but my H will move on to someone else when I find out about one. It's all a game to him, to see how far he can get and to see how hard he can get this OP to fall for him (that's my guess as to why he needs to play those games). This last woman was the only person he was physical with (at least to my knowledge, I suspect 2 woman he works with when they were on trips, but he says they came on to him and he didn't entertain them). He had this woman just about ready to pack up her son and her business and move closer to him. She had no idea about me and she was falling hard for him. He said all the right things to her (she forwarded their e-mails and instant message sessions). He would wake her up in the morning with a phone call and he said he would take care of her and not hurt her like her last relationship (happened to be a married man who went back to his wife and kids).<P> He has a very hard time setting boundaries with friends of the opposite sex. I have stopped all contact with male friends since last April when we decided with our Pastor that opposite sex friends weren't good for our relationship. It was an easy thing to do for me bcs he is the only person I need in my life and I refuse to jeopordize our love for a friendship.<P>I wish I could just let it all go and let it all out. I use to cry easy, but now I can't seem to cry at all even though my heart really, really hurts. I can't figure it out and I wish I could get through that stage.<P>Well, I'm rambling. Thank you for your kind words.<P>Have a great day!

One thought,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>... but my H will move on to someone else when I find out about one. It's all a game to him, to see how far he can get and to see how hard he can get this OP to fall for him <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This pattern speaks of deeper problems. Is he in counseling for this issue?

LadyK i've said it before and i'll say it again - we are suffering the same misery. My H too NEEDS to feel he is attractive to other women. you are right not just 1 woman - they need this constantly from many women. They befriend 1 woman at a time and become their best friend - someone this woman confides in and says things like "oh you are so smart" you are so handsome, i wish i found a man like you - but they keep these woman at bay not to interfere w/ their home life - but just when they are not expecting it - boom someone comes along and plays him just as much as he is playing her and he starts to think of her and thats when the EA becomes a PA<P>Sam

Kathi: Yes, my H and I are in counseling. I'm trying to focus it on WHY he feels he needs affirmation from anyone except me, but he thinks we need to deal with my mistrust of him. <P>Sam: Is this a man thing? Do most men feel they need to be stroked to be worth anything? <P>My H gets offended and will say "I knew this would once again turn and become MY problem". I want to work with him without pointing fingers and I don't know how to do it.<P>I just e-mailed my H telling him we should address some issues, open some old wounds. I told him I thought we needed to go back to square one and address this properly. I need TOTAL honesty from him (not sure how I'll know for sure). I told him I want to know why he continued with the lies and deceit and I wanted to know the truth about all the woman I knew he was "just friends" with. He claims they all had an agenda, but he didn't give in. One came to his hotel room drunk at 1 in the morning (we were together but not married and the woman was married). He claims they talked for a while and he made her see the mistake she was amking. I'm not so sure about that now. I feel like stirring that up to see what happens. <P>Anyway, I can't be afraid to confront him anymore. I am not a match when it comes to LBing cause he can tear you down and you don't even realize it. He's really great at turning the tables and making you feel like crap and losing focus on what the issue was to begin with.<P>Okay, I'm done for now. Thank you both. God Bless!<BR><><

LadyK<BR>AT least your H will go to counseling w/ you. Mine won't.<BR>Please be careful when you speak to him. My therapist told me that i am the rice cake in his world when ow has become chocolate and that i should try not to get too emotional when i speak to him about the issues. I am telling you this because you should try to do the same. If my marriage is going to end she said that i should at least have my dignity. Because everything i do now makes him think that i am a mental case. Which i am not - i am actually a smart, pretty, attractive young woman - but in my heart i just don't feel that<P>I sit at my desk at work sometimes and the hardest thing is not to cry - i hope the day comes for me when i have toughened up and can no longer cry because not a minute goes by lately that my heart doesn't hurt from him.<P>Sam<p>[This message has been edited by SoUnhappy (edited April 12, 2000).]

Sam,<P>My H tells me he made the worst mistake of his life and now that he's married, it will never happen again. He says if we need to go back to square one then we will.<P>I keep remembering how great a lier he was and how easy it was for him before to tell me he loved me all the while chatting with her and sharing his heart.<P>I asked if he missed her or thought about her and he says she meant nothing, it was all a game. That's pretty scary too I think if he can mess with someone's head and life the way he did with hers. She really believed him that they were going to be together for a long time (maybe even a lifetime).<P>I sympathize with this woman at times.<P>Where are you from?<P>Karen

I'm from NJ - my H also said its all a game and that I am the constant in his life. She said due to his childhood he hates women. Lucky me<P><BR>Sam

I can't help but give you a grin on that one:<P> <P>We've kinda thought that too. I put on the refrigerator once "I am not your mother". We had gone to a Family Life marriage conference way before we were married and one thing they said was to remind each other "I am not your enemy".<P>Take care and hang in there!!<p>[This message has been edited by LadyK (edited April 12, 2000).]