I need some support. If you have read my first couple of posts, you know my situation. Tonight makes one week that I found out about W affair. She had to go back to class with him tonight and that was hard enough. Then she called after class to say they (the whole class) were going to grab a bite to eat and go over some study material. She was calling to see if that was O.K. with me and that if it was going to make us have a big argument about it that she just wouldn't go. I told her she had to do what she thought was right in her eyes. She knows how I feel about the situation and she promises that it is not just them two by themselves. I have no way of disproving her, so I have to trust what she says to be true. I know that these are the steps that I need to take, but they are so hard because I have to fight back all these emotions. I am so new to these feelings that I sometimes feel like I am going to explode. We had our first counceling session yesterday so we are on the road to getting better. I just have to share something with someone because I can't talk about any of this with my W. She says that with the end of the semester coming up that she just needs to concentrate on school right now and only talk about this situation in counceling. Because if we talk about it here with each other, it is hard to keep from letting too much emotion and anger out at each other. <P>Any advice is GREATLY appriciated!!!<P>[This message has been edited by Fulgore (edited April 12, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Fulgore (edited April 14, 2000).]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I read your other posts and it sounds like you and your W have been having problems for a long time. Sounds like communication and honesty have been really lacking on both your parts. I recognize it because it typifies my marriage too. You have to turn that around! <BR>I can understand her resentment toward you for what you put her through earlier in the marriage. But, you have to show her today and every second from this moment on how you have changed. She needs that consistency to believe in you. <P>I don't know if either of you have a temper and that is why she made the comment about avoiding discussing this until counseling... My H and I both can get pretty enraged (him especially) and I am frequently hesitant to even get started. Here is what I have done...<P>I have written PAGES of letters to him. And surprisingly he has written back. And it opens him up to talk. I firmly believe she needs to talk to you outside of counseling. Every minute, every emotion needs to be able to be shared. <P>My situation is kind of similar. My H and I are both Christians. He got far away from God, became emotionally unavailable for me, and had an affair. (Not that I was perfect) He has since tried to return to God and turn it all around. For me, and maybe for your wife, it is hard to know if that is genuine. It is hard to trust that he won't turn away again. It is hard to get past all the resentment. Not that you had an affair, but from what you said, she must feel betrayed by all of your deception. <P>Here is what my H is trying to do now and maybe some of this would make a difference to your W:<P>1) We pray together morning and night. At least. We pray for our marriage and each and every day we give our marriage over to God. (This time in prayer is a window into the other's heart, as they are before God)<P>2) He is trying to be there for me emotionally. We sit and talk about every emotion. Not always calmly but we stick it out until we come around.<P>3) When we are together we try to have a lot of physical contact and eye contact. Just sitting close together on the couch or whatever. <P>I know it is hard for you because you are feeling betrayed too. But, if you want it to work one of you has to be big enough to tear down that wall between you. I wish you the best. <BR>

Fulgore,<BR>I am also the betrayed H. My W had an EA also, also some kissing, embraces ,lots of talk about sex ( the OM asked a bunch of intimate Q's , my W answered) We are also Christians (BAC's) We both slipped back...I was not filling her emotional love tank, read His needs, Her Needs by Harley and the 5 Love Languages by CHapman, read them both NOW! <BR> I have read I strongly belive in the NO CONTACT rule for the first 30-45 days. Its the euporia/addiction that you are fighting between them. If she has contact w/ him during this period, its not good. We had a clean break for about 75 days, my W told me later that she was tempted several times to email or call the OM during this period. Now she has lost all interest in him.But we still limit contact. We went out with the OM and his W and another couple last weekend, weird Iknow. His W does not know.<BR>My advice is break the contact, and start filling her love tank, you need to know what things do that for her, read the 5 Love Languages. Trust takes awhile to rebuild.<BR><P>------------------<BR>jnvc

this may not be very comforting for you...<BR>i'm the betrayer in the relationship with my husband, and it's been a little over a month since he found out. let me tell you, what you're feeling is normal. he still can't talk to me about anything really. he is depressed and mean. So, just know that what you're feeling is normal, if that's any comfort. I can't say that it gets better, because ours has only gotten worse, but at the same time our relationship has never been so blunt and honest. Hang in there (the best cliche I could come up with right now.)<BR>If you haven't read the plan A/B thing, you should and you should really try to implement it in your situation. My H has read it and discarded it just as quickly, but I think our road to recovery would be a little more traveled if he would take some steps to heal as well.