To put it simply, my marriage is in serious trouble. I have a good deal of the blame to accept here, as I have not fulfilled many of my spouse's emotional needs in several years(sporadically at best). I don't know why, but I am ready to change in my life to make up for this. We will be married 17 years in June, and I know my wife is at least having an emotional affair with someone at work. It is definitely going towards the physical. I have proof. Copies of e-mails that show she is looking to go further. <BR>They are pretty graphic and very painful. We are starting marriage counseling tonite and she says she wants to work to try to revive our marriage. I have suspected for a short while that this has been happening and didn't know what to do. She has been giving me the I need my space routine that is so clearly defined Dr. Harley's articles and she is highly critical of my "suspicions". I have asked her directly and she has denied it. I have told it is important that we go into counseling with honesty. I am ready to admit my selfishness and that I took her love for granted but she is not willing to admit this. I understand why, but how should I deal with my evidence. Should I confront her with it ? In person or in counseling.<BR>I am so busted up with grief that I can't eat or sleep with this "secret" burning a hole in me. any help ?

Hurt,<P>I know how you feel. I just found out about my wifes affair 2 weeks ago. I found it the same way you did. I went through her e-mail and found the proof. Believe me, I know how painful it is to read those words that she used to say only to you. I did confront her about it. I printed all the mail out and then sat her down to talk about it. I asked her if there was anything she was not completely honest with me about. She said she did not know what I was talking about. This went on for a few minutes because I did not want to have to show her the mail. I wanted her to openly admit it but she wouldn't. So I pulled them out and asked her to read them to me and explain. Then she came clean about the whole thing. She had already left me and was at her parents house before this took place. When I found out, she moved back home. She said that she had already made a decision to stop it because she knew it wasn't right. <P>We are now on the road to getting better. She agreed to marriage counceling and she seems willing to work on the marriage for now. We have had only one session so far, but our next one is this week. This session we meet the councelor on different days separately because she has alot of things to work out from her past. <P>It was hard to do, but I feel that confronting her about the situation was the right thing. If you do confront her, please remember to be very understanding and don't show your anger. I know it sounds hard to do, and it is. But you keeping your composure and working through this in a mature way will speak volumes about your character in the future. Besides, if you show your anger, all it will do is drive her back to the OM. Be as compasionate as you can and acknowlege that you did not meet her needs and that is PART of the reason why this happened and that you are ready to make the needed changes in your life to be a better person all around. You have to show her that you are changing mainly for yourself and she will be the one to benefit from this. If you change only for her, You have done nothing but prolong the problem.<P>It will take lots of time and lots of effort, but you and her can work through this if you are both willing to work hard.<P>I hope some of this was able to help.<P>Jeff

Hi,<P>I don't have much advice to give as I'm fairly new to this as well; however, I feel you are on the right path to rebuilding your marriage. You are both willing to work on your marriage and get into counseling. I also believe you're on the right track since you already recognize your part. I've yet to learn my role in allowing my H to stray. He's given me a couple reasons, but has since retracted them. In my heart I feel I know what my part was, but he says that's not it. We are in counseling and I have faith in God that it will be revealed.<P>A great book that was recommended on this sight is "Torn Asunder" by David Carder. It discusses the types of affairs and gets into some exercises you both do.<P>The information on this site is great, too. I ordered a couple books, but I haven't received them yet to recommend them to you. My H and I did the Emotional Needs Questionnaire a couple months ago (shortly after the discovery of his affair).<P>NSR usually posts a great welcome message to newcomers - it's a great "tour guide".<P>Good luck to you and your wife!

Thanks. Hopefully we can help eachother in the future. It's awful hard talking to others about this.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Fulgore:<BR><B>Hurt,<P>I know how you feel. I just found out about my wifes affair 2 weeks ago. I found it the same way you did. I went through her e-mail and found the proof. Believe me, I know how painful it is to read those words that she used to say only to you. I did confront her about it. I printed all the mail out and then sat her down to talk about it. I asked her if there was anything she was not completely honest with me about. She said she did not know what I was talking about. This went on for a few minutes because I did not want to have to show her the mail. I wanted her to openly admit it but she wouldn't. So I pulled them out and asked her to read them to me and explain. Then she came clean about the whole thing. She had already left me and was at her parents house before this took place. When I found out, she moved back home. She said that she had already made a decision to stop it because she knew it wasn't right. <P>We are now on the road to getting better. She agreed to marriage counceling and she seems willing to work on the marriage for now. We have had only one session so far, but our next one is this week. This session we meet the councelor on different days separately because she has alot of things to work out from her past. <P>It was hard to do, but I feel that confronting her about the situation was the right thing. If you do confront her, please remember to be very understanding and don't show your anger. I know it sounds hard to do, and it is. But you keeping your composure and working through this in a mature way will speak volumes about your character in the future. Besides, if you show your anger, all it will do is drive her back to the OM. Be as compasionate as you can and acknowlege that you did not meet her needs and that is PART of the reason why this happened and that you are ready to make the needed changes in your life to be a better person all around. You have to show her that you are changing mainly for yourself and she will be the one to benefit from this. If you change only for her, You have done nothing but prolong the problem.<P>It will take lots of time and lots of effort, but you and her can work through this if you are both willing to work hard.<P>I hope some of this was able to help.<P>Jeff </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hurt,<P>I just want to let in you on some insight from my point of veiw. I am a betrayer as well. I broke contact in Jan. I am now starting to get those feelings for my H again. I just wanted to let you in on that.<P>Prayers are with you<BR>Renee

I "discovered" my wife's EA the same way. Once I had sufficient e-mail evidence I asked her to talk for a few minutes and replayed the scenario like this.<P>"I failed to meet your needs, you suppressed them for years, then they awoke in you and you directed them towards another."<P>When she looked at me with a glint of "I think I been found out", I told her I know all about her and the OM (married with children). She asked how did I do it and I told her. We started our roller coaster ride about a week before this and it's been a wild ride ever since (about 2 months now). She didn't deny it or try to explain. She basically had a "so what" attitude about it at first. Now she is beginning to see why it was wrong and is beggining to express sorrow, regret and shame (almost). We are on the road to recovery from this mess although we may not remain married much longer. I'm glad I confronted her with it and did so not to point a finger at her and call her names but to indicate how I am partly responsible for the loss of intimacy between us that made her vulnerable. I then expressed my commitment to address my short-comings and try to fullfil her needs as I should have been doing all along.<P>With hard work and God's help, I will survive this trial and hope my W and I are still together when the dust finally settles.<P>I will pray for you too.

Welcome <B>hurt in hauppauge</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P><B>About your post</B>...<BR>"Confront" is a strong word...<BR>...but being honest with her about what you feel about what you've found out is important. I hope the counseling went well.<P> <P>Jim

Hello everyone.. I'm new to the board and so far just reading all the posts and Dr. H's columns has been wonderful. I've bought one of his books and it's helped too.<P>I've read a lot of posts where everyone seems to have discovered the affair via e-mail. I did the same too. My H is having a EA with a co-worker. I suspected something has been going on for months, and didn't approach it correctly. He's getting a EN fulfilled by her, and I understand. My problem is his extreme anger at me for getting into his email. This is blocking our ability to tackle the true issue - his EA and my lack of support for him.<P>For a week I have been in a form of Plan A. Giving him as many love units as I can under the pain I have. But, any suggestions for approaching him to discuss the real issue? I've apologized so much for getting into the email account. I've apologized for the hurt and pain I have caused him which drove him to the EA. I want our relationship to work (10+ years of marriage).<P>He says that he and the OW have feelings for each other but they have both agreed not to act on them. He needs me to trust him completely, and allow his friendship with her to continue. I know that as long as I work on giving him LU that I can take her place in the EN area - I have to be patient.<P>I have asked him to consider counceling with me (he has said he'll consider it but that's all). He's looked at some of the Giver/Taker stuff on this site. I've been a Taker to the max. <P>Thanks for listening, I hope to be supportive to everyone here. I never thought I would understand what this pain feels like.