I would like some input on how to handle this issue. I posted this back in August 99 (I would link to that thread, but not sure how to do it). My H (who was then my fiance) thought I was having an EA with an old friend of mine who I knew for about 10 years. We had lost touch a few years back and he contacted me back in '98. I was upfront with my fiance about this male friend who was in Korea at the time. I even asked this friend to e-mail with my fiance so he wouldn't feel threatened or think I was hiding anything. This friend sent me an e-mail about how he over stepped boundaries with a woman in Korea (he's married and in the military. His wife was still in the states). I shared this e-mail with my fiance and he thought the e-mail was about me. He thought we had been physically together at one time in our lives and the e-mail was about how he was remembering me. <P>Unfortunately, in my quest to prove my innocense, I now see I handled this whole thing wrong.<P>I ended the friendship a couple times, but found my fiance had female friends he told me he stopped, but I always found that he didn't so I would start e-mailing with my friend again because I saw double standards and I wasn't doing anything wrong so why give in.<P>I finally stopped all contact with this man just about a year ago to this day. My fiance has always thought I was in contact with this person via phone calls and e-mail. If I received a hang up call or wrong number my fiance thought it was this man. I found during this past year that my fiance sent this man an ecard and signed my name and e-mail address which prompted me to get an e-mail from this man (he didn't know my new e-mail address until my fiance did this). I think he was also in contact with this man via instant messaging. I'm not quite sure if my fiance was pretending to be me or what his agenda was.<P>Needless to say, during the past year our engagement was on again, off again. We weren't together in September and October and during this time he met the sister of a coworker and started e-mailing with her. We got back together in November and my fiance reproposed to me in December. I assumed he was ready to believe in me and that my heart was for him and not with anyone else. He said that he was over all that. We set our wedding date and started making plans. He made mention about a lady he worked with and how they were just friends.<P>One night when I was working late (2 weeks before our wedding) , he didn't call me or touch base with me until the next morning after I was at work. He said he went to a hockey game with a guy from work then crashed at his house. I believed him.<P>I found out from this "friend" a week before our wedding that he was with her all night for the first time since they started e-mailing in September - they consummated their friendship and were making plans to be together and take care of each other.<P>We went to counseling with our Pastor and my fiance said she meant nothing, it was all a bunch of words and he wanted our marriage.<P>We were married January 28th, 2000.<P>In my struggle to deal with his betrayal, I've mentioned to him that I thought this was a result of our issues from '98 and he said that wasn't it. He really hasn't shared with me why he did this to me and I've been trying to understand my part in all this. I told him we need to face this issue once and for all. I apologized for handling what he perceived as my betrayal all wrong. He said he forgave me.<P>We received 2 hang up calls last night and since the phone is in his name and it's unlisted he feels it's someone for me (maybe this guy). He immediately put our second phone back next to the bed (I used to hear him making phone calls in the middle of the night before d day with his OW so the 2 phones bothered me). He was trying to make me see he was committed to the marriage so he took the extra phone out. He also knew that his listening to classical music bothered me right now because the OW was also a classical music fan (I was too until this). He also immediately changed his radio to classical music and listened to it refusing to talk. He knows these are majot triggers for me and I know that's why he did it.<P>He refuses to talk about this because he says I'll only claim my innocense and we'll get no where.<P>How do I prove to him that these calls aren't for me? How do I prove to him that all contact with this man stopped long ago and that I have never had feelings for him? <P>If we don't deal with this now I fear he will always betray me thinking I'm doing it to him. We don't go to our next counseling session until next week.<P>Please help - I want this marriage, but I don't know what to do.<P><BR>

The two of you need to sit down and use the POJA to come to a mutually enthusiastic solution to these calls.<P>I would suggest that you change your phone number. To an unlisted one, perhaps. Or put caller ID on the phone. Or if you have caller ID---subscribe to "Privacy Manager", which will not let unidentified calls ring through unless the caller identifies themself.

Hi, K,<P>Thank you for responding. We do have an unlisted phone #. When we married in January, we bought a home soon after and when we moved, the phone went into his name and it was then unlisted. <P>Maybe I should get angry and blame these calls on him. Afterall, he called the OW soon after we moved into the new house and she now has the new phone # (she read it to me from her caller ID box).<P>As far as us getting caller ID, I had it when we were in my apartment, but every call that came in that we didn't know and they hung up once they heard the answering machine, he blamed on me. He thought it was this guy from Korea calling via people in the area. This guy isn't even from NY and I can't imagine he knows anyone. One hang up call kept coming from a bar which is about 45 minutes away. We finally called this number and the bar tender said he was trying to call a distributor in our town, but called the wrong number. These calls were weekly and usually came at all hours of the morning.<P>We talked a little last night about doing the *78 (I think) to report annoyance calls. The phone company will trace the calls and if they're successful, they'll report the calls to the police. Not much was said.<P>I was devastated last night when he did the things he did and said the things he said. He is taking away the self-esteem he helped build back up from my ex-husband.<P>I did talk to our counselor and she said to hang in until our session next week. She said I don't have to prove anything to him. This is his issue.<P>I can almost guarentee he's building a relationship with another woman because this is his pattern.<P>Have a great day!

Good morning,<P>I just wanted to update that my H and I finally had a really great discussion. I could tell over the last 24 hours that he was building a great wall around himself and that was so frustrating to me.<P>He shared that it wasn't necessarily this guy that he thought I was still in contact with rather it could be anyone and his big fear is that I'll leave him.<P>My heart breaks thinking that every day he feels this to some extent. I asked him to share those moments with me, that I want to hear how he's scared so I can hug him and we can talk about it, just as I've been trying to share my weakest moments with him over the week-end.<P>What started as an evening of one major, continual LB ended in one of the greatest nights. <P>I told him how he took me to the very edge he's afraid I'll take him to, that he could have called off the wedding and taken up with the OW. I've seen the edge and I fear it every day too!<P>Have a most awesome day!!

That's what I love to see---all these potentially horrible issues are golden opportunities to demonstrate love and caring. Great!!!