Well, my wife and I have been married for 5 years, I thought very happily married, we have a young son and were in the process of trying to have another.<P>So, it came as a complete shock when my wife recently told me she has been involved with another man for the past 5 months. Although, she has adamantly denied any intercourse with this man, she has admitted to it being somewhat sexual in nature.<P>The thing is, is that we have been in marriage couselling for the past 5 months also, my wife wanted us to work on some things she said. Yet, even though she looked me in the eyes and swore she had not had an affair, the fact is that during the whole counselling process while I was taking steps to improve my own life and my own deisre to be a good husband and father, that she was with another man. <P>And, yes, this is still very fresh, only a week now that I have known. Its funny how God works though, as my brother in law actually had caught my wife somewhere she normally should not be and my wife just happened to tell me just hours before he confronted me on the same issue. And to make it worse, or better, I dont even know, this man she had been with is someone my sister and her husband have known for yrs and he was unaware of it, and actually told my brother in law of a woman he had been seeing that he had no feelings for, but knew he could take advantage of her.<P>Trying to make this short, but now I have hate for this man not only for messing w my wife but for using her also and Im bitter towards my wife yet I still love her with all my heart. Im so confused. Have dropped 20 pounds in 5 days. I alwasy thought if something like this happened to me, I would be strong and be able to move on without difficulty. Now I'm struggling to live second by second. If anyone can just say a word to help ease my pain, I would appreciate, though I know how hard that is. I have found myself praying to God frequently and that helps. I need help with my desire for revenge. Not only does a part of me want to have an affair also, but another part, now that I know who this man is and where he lives, I want to harm him. But I know this is not the right approach.<P>see ?? 20,000 emotions, PAIN being number 1 =(

Bartokk:<P>It's so hard when you first find out. Everything seems topsy turvy. Everything you had counted on and believed seems to be a lie.<P>You are being strong. Strength is not the absence of emotion but rather living through it and learning from it.<P>Hold on tight; the next few months are going to be tough. You can do it. <P>Read the information here at this site. It can really help you to try and put your life and your marriage back together.<P>Jim (NSR) usually sends a welcome message to newcomers, but since he's busy this weekend I'll give you a URL to follow: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html</A> . (Hope I'm helping, Jim!)<P>Meanwhile, Bartokk, post here or at General Questions as often as you care to. Sometimes it helps to just write it all out and know that someone is listening. And we are. You are not alone.<P>Things will be tough, but you can do this.<P>Good wishes to you. --HBC

Bartokk:<BR> I am so sorry for your pain (and the 20,000 other emotions!!!). I have been there, and felt like an utter fool when after several counseling sessions my H finally admitted that he was "in-love" with someone else...why were we trying to improve the marriage if he was taking his feelings elsewhere? <BR> The truth is that the OM is a symptom that your marriage needed improving...the fact that your wife was interested in counseling means she was trying to improve it...somehow she got a little lost on the way..BUT keep in mind the fact that she was trying to improve it is a good sign.<BR> Read everything you can here. Get the book Surviving an Affair. Read the article on choosing a marriage counselor, and decide if yours is any good...some actually do harm. You and your W can rebuild and have a really good marriage again (we are now on that path...). Hang on tight...there are lots of ups and downs...<P>Kathi<P>

Hi,<P>I just wanted to agree with what you've read thus far. I found out a week before my wedding that my now H slept with OW 2 weeks prior. We had many sessions with our Pastor, who recommended we call off the wedding until we worked through this. I took a leep of faith in my H that he was remorseful and wanted to marry me. We didn't cancel the wedding. This was in January and my numbness has since wore off. I don't regret going through with the wedding. I have learned a lot about myself, my H and how to really work in a marriage. The past 2 weeks were hell for us, but we are on the up right now (could be on the down at any time). I've really learned to communicate with my H. I've recently received "Surviving An Affair", "Love Busters" and a workbook from this site. I'm anxious to dive into them. Another great book I've started is "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder, which has excersices to help rebuild your marriage and your trust.<P>Does your wife want to end the affair and work on the marriage? <P>Good luck to you and your wife!

Sounds very familiar. My wife wanted to "work at our marriage" - but she kept me in the dark about the affair, or any issues surrounding it. She made my life miserable for 4 months because I spent that whole time wondering what I had done to screw up a beautiful thing. <P>When I finally caught them together one of my first emotions was to feel cheated out of 4 months of my life. I asked myself, why had I bothered trying so hard and why had I allowed myself to feel unworthy of her? I had no idea the real issues facing us. It comes down to the fact that she could't talk to me because of guilt and/or worry that I would just explode or walk away. Hiding it was no answer, but I understand why she would. It is one of the easier things in this whole messed up business that I do understand.<P>Now if someone could just explain why she would choose to hurt someone that would give his life for her...

I so know how your are feeling right now. The feeling that you need to get revenge is so strong. But don't do anything you might regret later. I found out 6 weeks ago that my H was seeing someone else. Although he also denies anything sexual, I don't think that is the real issue. It is the lying and betrayal that really hurts. The OW was also a friend of mine and a co-worker of his. We also were in the midst of trying to make our marriage better when this whole thing started with the OW. All I can tell you is that if you read the articles on this site and if your partner is more than willing to work things out and she can make a committment to working things out and not seeing the OM, then you can make it work. With every day that goes by, things get easier and you begin to not think about it 24/7. I am a big believer in everything happens for a reason. I believe God brought my H home after a week of being gone because he knows this can work out. I prayed a lot to and asked God to help me and it is quite a comfort. The trials we are handed by God are given to us to make us stronger. Keep the faith. Tell your wife everyday you love her. Make her your priority and soon she will make you her priority. I did it even though it was hard and my H is now more committed to me than ever. I figure once you reach bottom there is no where to look but up. Be positive and strong. Everyone says they want to make their marriage work. The key word there is work. You have to WORK hard to make that happen. Good Luck to you.

Welcome, I just found this thread. What stage are you at now? I remember the "second by second" feeling, the sudden loss of appetite and weight, the physical sensations and other nightmare occurrences. It got better. But it went on for a long time. I'm not a hugger but just this once I'll make an exception {{{{{{{Bartok}}}}}}}<BR>Whew, I just hugged a stranger.<P>Okay, I'm going to tell you something that will probably certify me as insane (as H accused me).<BR>Charles Adams (you know him, the cartoonist who became famous in the New Yorker magazine?) Look for one of the hardbound books in the library with his collection of cartoons. Some of the cartoons show married couples plotting each other's demise. Really black humor, but it saved me. I never plotted his death, but these were a way of making the whole thing a little less extreme. Wish I had a scanner - I'd try to send one or two to you.

Well, I just dropped by this board, but I wanted to share my sympathy. Obviously, stepnumber one is to have her commit to breaking it off with this guy, and never seeing or talking to him again. Has she said that?<P>Steptwo, I guess by reading Dr. Harley, is spilling out all the truth from her. Gawd, I couldn't handle that, but I guess total honesty is required before the wound can heal, or else you will go through life wondering what they did and where.<P>On the bright side--<P>It seems like this OM is a jerk, and not particularly interested in your W, from his commnet.<P>Realize that the timing of your beginning counseling and the start of an affair may perhaps be understandable...I think that starting counseling is a step where people are susceptible to EAs, as they are admitting to themselves a problem in their marriage.<P>Hang in there, don't do anything violent, day by day. My thoughts are with you.<P>

It really helped me to write to the OW. I sort of wanted to kill her in person as you did, but putting my pain and fury into words was very satisfying. It doesn't even really matter if she cared about it or not--it helped me.<P>I found out a week ago today. I have been through all the emotions of the spectrum. I cried for 8 hours straight, I've lost maybe 7 pounds, I alternate between feeling very deep love and attraction for my H and wanting to literally kill him. We are both black and blue-him from being hit and me from hitting. I know it is wrong, but I've never felt rage like this before. I don't know what to do with it. But obviously you cannot hit your wife-you might actually hurt her and would probably go to jail.<P>I hope you are doing better now. I hope that in a month's time I am too. <P>

Your wife needs to explain to your satisfacton why she would be having an affair during marriage counselling when she should have been working with you to improve the marriage. Being unhappy or having problems in a marriage is no justification for her cheating especially when you were trying to meet her needs. Was she in love with this OM? Did she want to trade you in for another man who she thought would make her happier? How honest do you think she is being about the affair? Adulterers lie. You are placing more blame on the OM than your wife. Remember your wife agreed to have a PA with him. He didn't force her to do anything she didn't want.I do not believe that adultery is a disease as some people would have you believe. I believe that this type of behaviour is symptomatic of a character defect. At this point you need to get the truth about this affair before healing can take place. It is up to your wife to show you that she can be trusted again. Best wishes