I know Ive posted before and I hope my updated profile helps people see where Im at. I guess Im one of the newer members here. Didnt think I would ever have to be a member. But I really want to love my wife again and I want to kiss her and make love to her and I know it may be too early but every time I am with her in an even remotely intimate fashion, I get sick, sometimes even violently physically sick. How long does this take to pass or does it. We are praying every day many times that God will help us through this, but every time I touch her or see her, I see OM with her and its sickens me. Please help me, I am desparate to try to work this out. I am on the verge I think of something bad. This is the worst pain I have ever endured in my life but yet I still want her to be part of my life. Why is that ?? Why do I want someone who was so bad to me for so long back with me ?? If anyone can give me an answer, it would be very nice and thanks to those few who respoded to my last post. This is my one place of serenity right now and I find myself here often.<P>------------------<BR>Extremely Painful Dying Soul in TN

I am sorry about your sadness and struggle. I have not been through your situation. I hope that someone who will have answers for you will response soon, but in the meantime I wanted to respond to let you know that I care, and am praying for you right now! <P>{{{{{{{{{{Bartokk}}}}}}}}}}}<BR><p>[This message has been edited by felix18 (edited April 22, 2000).]

Good morning Bartokk:<P>As a junior member myself I've got lots of questions and not many answers that might be of value to you. I've been "lucky" (if the betrayed can ever be called that) but throughout W's 5 year affair, divorcing me, living with OP and finally waking up from her fantasy I've always been in love with her. The desire to be with her, hold her and make love has always stayed. <P>I was "lucky" too in that when my W finally found out the OP was not the great guy she thought, there was no longer any feelings left for him and she wanted to try rebuilding something better than we had before in our marriage.<P>My W was before her affair and is once again a most caring, gentle and trustworthy lady. During her affair she was manipulative, lying, immoral and spitefull - a complete opposite to her true self. Not an uncommon occurance in those living in the addicted world of fantasy. <P>We both have accepted that the problems in our marriage were created equally by us both. She was totally responsible for her affair and the distruction it caused us as it was her choice. She recognizes that it was the worst mistake she has ever made in her life. There is no excuse for an affair.<P>The images are the killers and are probably what does it to you as it does me. They fade (we've been 2 years since D day) but they are, I believe, always in the mind. There have been several threads about images and obsessing worth while checking out.<P>My biggest problems have been angry outbursts as a release for my pain and my need for perfect honesty about the affair. Both are big LB for my W. The first are better controlled as time passes but the latter is still very important to me for recovery. Honesty is number one need for me out of the 10 in needs questionairre, sexual fulfillment is part way down the list for us both. Not been able to change W's mind set on honesty about the past but I hope that as she becomes more comfortable with her emotional safety in our relationship her honesty about the affair will increase.<P>My advise?<BR>Hang in there, we're 2 years and counting. I think we're about 9/10ths. along the road to recovery but as many of the books say it may take as long to get over an affair as it took our marriages to set the environment for the affair and the affair itself. Don't blame yourself for your wife's affair but be ready to dissect your contribution to your marriage problems and then make your new relationship different, better and affair proof.<P>If you haven't already read everything Dr. has on MB and his books make a study of everything. Many good books listed on "Notable Threads" by NSR on the General forum are must reads too. Steve Harley is of considerable help by telephone councelling.<P>God bless and have faith in yourself, you are a good person and worthy of happiness again.

{{{Bartokk}}}<P>I understand your pain. I have been there (some days I still am there.)<P>It will get better, a little each day.<P>I am expecting guests soon, but I wanted to let you know right away that we care. I will write a more lengthy response later today.<P>Please hang in there. Post as often as you need to. May I invite you to the General Questions area--more people seem to check in there and it is a good place to post if you are looking for help quickly. Sometimes it's hard for those of us who've been around for a while to come back to the "just found out" pages. We know how much it hurts and it brings back painful feelings that have begun to heal.<P>Please don't do anything rash. Take a walk. Talk to your clergyperson. Talk to your parents. Talk to your friends. You are in terrible pain right now, but it does get better. Talk to your wife. You may never get back to the same state as you were before, but you can get back to a good state, and you WILL if you keep trying. It's only been three months since I found out about my H's affair, but I can tell you today is better than yesterday and it is so much better than the week after I found out.<P>Hang in there. --HBC<P>

Hi BArtokk,<P>It really hurts, I know.<P>You discovery is quite recent yet, but I can promise you that as time passes and both of you are involved in working things our, and busy rebuilding things start to feel different.<P>I cannot promise you that you will forget, I don't think we do, but even that might be a good thing, so together we keep making sure it won't happen again. By keeping communication open, spending time together, sharing our new goals and dreams, and just enjoying being together.<P>Intimacy is to be shared by the two of you, I know that this sounds difficult but you have to make an effort to close the bedroom door ( figuratively speaking) on this om. He has no place there, and his presence ( in your mind) will undermine whatever recovery you're going trough.<P>Think about it this way, yes it happened, yes it was wrong, yes it hurts.Nothing can change that. You had no control over it. But it's done and over with.You can now control what can be done in the present and the future.<BR> By choosing to give your marriage a chance you showed you wanted it to work ( possibly even better than before ), now you must choose to concentrate on what can be done from this day forward, and make an effort to let go of what happened.<P>I know it's too soon, it's still too fresh in your mind, but believe me it's the way to a faster recovery.<P>Ressentment, and negative thoughts about the op dragg things down and cloud our vision of what good things might be happening.<BR>And when this happens none of you is feeling too good for sure. That's not what you want. You ant a pleasant family time which will conduct to a better healing.<P>Also - and please realise that I'm not saying you're doing this, just a general suggestion - it is important that you don't keep what happened hanging over her head, in a way that she feels threatned by it.<BR>We decide to rebuild, then we decide to forgive, then we don't use the knowledge of what happened be there all the time, in comments or actions.<P>I hope this helps.<P>Do take care<BR>Kat<P>P.S. By the way, I'm also the betrayed, my H had a affair that lasted about 5 months with a coworker. We are getting really close to the second anniversary and doing great ( SO I'm not only giving suggestions, I followed them myself - it sounds like the Hair club commercial ) <BR>Happy Easter<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Hi Bartokk,<P>I have ben here too long-and as everyone else who has to come to MB I wish I had never been put in a position to need to be herre. But at MB you will find very caring souls, people who will answer your questions.<P>I always hated the word "time". Everyone said in time you will get better. In time you won't hurt so much. In time you will see the reason you werre betrayed.<P>I am now almost 11 months into discovery. Guess what? Time does work some wonders. I do not cry much at all any more. But as for healing I don't think I can say I am even close to being healed.<P>I hurt all over day in and day out. I have told God I am ready to serve him as soon as HE can take me. I am tired of living in pain.<P>I have learned all I care to learn about my H affair. We are together and I know he truly loves me and regrets what he did to me and the kids. But I hurt for many reasons. <P>I wondered at one time if I even loved my H any more. In the beginning of discovery I knew I loved him. But about 8 months into it I felt nothing-not a thing. That scared me the way you seem to be afraid now. It passed-and I didn't even realize it.<P>You will heal. It will be slow and it will take "time". But if you come to MB and read and read and read you are going to learn how infidelity affects so many people.<P>Know that you are not alone. The people here truly care about your pain. Thank God we have each other :-)<P>I will keep you in my prayers-may you feel them working their magic on you!

Bartokk:<P>I wanted to add to my previous post now that my guests have gone home.<P>You are doing everything right just now, Bartokk. You have confronted the issue and are dealing with the fallout. You are on the road to putting your marriage back to rights.<P>Your wife was not herself during the affair. It may sound like an easy out, but it really is true. She was living in a fantasy world. My H tells me that when he was in the midst of his PA (physical affair) it never occurred to him that I would be hurt when/if I found out. It isn't that he is a bad person; it's that he was doing a bad thing and was caught up in the fantasy of the moment.<P>Your situation sounds somewhat similar to mine. My H had a PA that lasted about a year. When I found evidence that prevented me from putting the best face on what was going on (lying to myself, I guess you could say) he immediately broke off the affair. D day, it's called around here. He backslid some during withdrawal, but just this morning he looked at me and our son and told me how happy he was just being with us. <P>Your wife is not a bad person for having an affair, though she did a bad thing. She, too, is in pain right now. Undoubtedly she can't believe she was capable of hurting you the way she did.<P>And I know it hurts.<P>I have never felt the power of hurt so much until I realized my husband had been unfaithful in our marriage.<P>Every night for a week I woke up in the middle of the night crying as though my heart was breaking. And it was.<P>I couldn't get the mental images of the two of them together out of my head. I couldn't get the e-mails that I found out of my head. I kept re-running all the clues. I kept focusing on all of the lies.<P>The only way to get past this is to FORCE yourself to stop thinking of them.<P>When you start to think of your wife with OM, FORCE yourself to remember your wedding day or your honeymoon or any other thing that was JUST YOU TWO. <P>The next few months are going to be the hardest of your life. But you can do it. You can survive. <P>Best to you, Bartokk. Hang in there. --HBC

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:49 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Bartokk<BR>There is a great chapter in the book After the Affair by Janis Spring that lists the physiological effects of the discovery of an affair on the wounded spouse. I recommend finding the book, if just to read that list! It will help you greatly....<P>I also highly recommend the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It is my personal favorite on healing a marriage after an affair.<P>I totally understand the mental images you are dealing with....I think most of us have them to some degree or another. Let me offer some suggestions that worked for us....<BR>Make love with candles lit or with a dim light on.<BR>Make love with your eyes open and say each other's names....if this hasn't been part of your lovemaking in the past, it might seem a little strange, but it will help you know where your wife's mind is and will help you keep yours focused on her.<BR>When the mental images start to creep in, tell yourself (silently) "I'm not going there"....mentally repeat to yourself "I love my wife and she loves me". You can redirect your thoughts to something positive.<BR>Understand that what you are dealing with is normal, but that you can work through it. Time and effort in combination will make a lot of difference.<P>I'm not familiar with your story, so I don't know the time frame of the affair and your discovery. Is your wife committed to the marriage and to healing with you? All of this plays a part in how you deal with the emotional and mental effects. Don't beat yourself up or expect more than you are capable of right now. Healing is a process and it takes time, as well as effort....but from my perspective almost two and a half years out, it is well worth it.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

Just wanted to thank all of you for the kind and honest words. Knowing that nothing is an instant cure, your kind words and suggestions give me a little light on an otherwise dark path. And to answer the last post, my wife has now ended EA/PA with OM and somehow in my heart I have felt trust in her right now and through God, I have found the strength to want my marriage back. And I actually had a nice Easter, when I really didnt expect it. I have been away from God for a long time, and this week I have had to rededicate my soul to him and today for a few hours I found some inner peace for the first time in a while, and I know I am doing the right thing now trying to work this out with my W. And through your prayers and offers of encouragement, my W finally agreed today to join MB so she can receive the same love and support that I have so she can find the same peace. You all will never know what you have meant to us at this time. May God and peace be with you all.<P>------------------<BR>Extremely Painful Dying Soul in TN

(((((((((Bartokk))))))))))))))<P>I am a betrayer. I am now in the recovery mode. THANK GOD! You may read my post in general questions. It is a SUCCESS STORY FOR THE BETRAYED! And taht is it in itself. It will give you hope in your situation. As well as your W. <P>I ended my affair On Jan 1. So this has been a roller coaster for us as well. When I was in withdrawal. I had backslid and contacted the OM. He of course had no withdrawal at all. That killed me. The board told me not to focus on OM. That I was putting to much energy into him. THAT I WAS!! THey were right again! <BR>So in your situatiion I think you may be doing the same. I know this is PAIN! Just Thank God that your W didnt have a hard withdrawal. That would have been even worse! To hold her while she cried for OM. <BR>Your doing the right thing here. You have also rededicated your life to christ. That is where you are going to find the strength now. <BR>When the OM enetrs your mind. Think "I can do all things through Chirst that strengthens me" That is how I replaced the thoughts of OM. I think it may help here to. <BR>I promise you that you will be so glad you did this. The love that I am starting to feel now is AMAZING!!!!! <BR>Praise God for opening her eyes! As well, as putting it on your heart to make it work! God intended for you to spend the rest of your lives together. So start up the forever engine. And I promise you will be so glad you did. Again read my threads. If your W has any questions. I am in general questions most of the time.<BR>Prayers to you Bar<BR>Renee<BR>