Well yesterday was D-Day for me. I have been seperated from my wife for two weeks. Because of our work schedules I still come by to see the kids until she gets home and then I leave. She came in on Tuesday and was in a foul mood. Although she kept her work bag close to her at all times and was cleaning up, something usually done when someone is coming over she was acting a little wierd. This isn't any different from the last couple of weeks, just more intense. I aske if she was hiding something from me and she said "no, but I am tired and I just want to go to sleep." Isaid that I had a million questions for her and she said maybe another day. I left at that point and she called me at the house I was staying at and said she was sorry for the way she treated me but just needed sleep and maybe we could talk the next day. Well at least she wanted to talk. I thought I would bring her a coffee the next morning because I thought the lines of communication would be opening. Well to my shock there was a guy from her work sitting at the kitchen table. She quickly made up some excuse and tried to prove it to me but they both just looked guilty.<BR>I left at that point because I did not want to make a big scene in fron of my kids. I came back a short time later and she was pretty convincing about what was going on. I said I trusted her. I did not say I had some major reservations.<P>So now Friday comes along and I went to take the garbage out and some animal had ripped open a bag. Sticking out was a rye bottle. Odd, I havent had rye in the house for over a year, not even my brand. I opened the bag a little further and saw a small pizza box, 2 more liqour bottles ( small sizes) and a box of vaginal contreceptives with a used applicator. I don't think I need to justify why the contraceptives were not for my benefit.<P>I have seen her for a short time since this and spoke to her once. I never brought up the discovery because I want this marriage to work. I think that confronting her with it at this stage may backfire. Any comments?<P>The difficult part about this is that I wnat her to know that there would be forgiveness if she came clean. How can I accomplish both? I know that patience is the key here but looking at her right now is extremely difficult. I did treat her as if nothing happened and continued trying to fill her love bank but I get the impression that that makes her even more distant towards me. How can I feel Love, resentfulness and forgiveness at the same time. <P>I was thinking of trying to catch them, I don't think it would be that hard, but I don't want to drive myself crazy about this. Is there any benefit in catching someone in the act vs. hard evidence?<P>This is the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with. I am completely torn up about this, I have spent the last two weeks bawling my eyes out, once while in line for a coffee. I really want whats best for the family but I don't think there will be any lines of communication until the PA is over. How can I break up the affair without putting pressure on her. I really believe that if she was cornered she would flee.<P>Up until now I have made sure that she knows I am available to talk whenever she wants, constantly praise her for her attitude and her looks( she does look amazing). This seems like a coincidence but she lost weight, got new clothes, got a suntan and started going out to work parties. I think I may have read one or two stories like that here (tongue planted firmly in cheek).<P>Signed betrayed, hurt, lonely, confused and still in love<p>[This message has been edited by Goober (edited April 22, 2000).]

Yes, Goober. This is the hardest thing you've ever done.<P>I think you have all the evidence you need of an affair. I am so sorry.<P>My advice is to read all you can before you take any action. Read all about Plan A. Read any book you can. Once you know about all of the things that go on inside the head of a person involved in an affair you will be better able to decide when and how to confront your wife.<P>Hang on tight; it's going to be a rough ride. But you can make it through.<P>Good luck. --HBC

Goober...<BR> I am SO SORRY for the pain you are in. You sound as though you are carefully and calmly thinking thru what to do...that is AWESOME.<P> This post has som great links in it...Read the ones on Plan A, especially. Most affairs do not last..the key is to provide a calm, loving atmosphere so that when it fissles, your wife will feel safe in coming back to you to work on the marriage...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html</A> <P> Hang in there...<P>Kathi<P>

Goober,<BR>(((((((((((Goober)))))))))))<BR>Im so sorry for the pain. I am a betrayer so I cant say that I know what your going through. I can say taht I know what your W is going through. CONFUSION CITY!!!!!!!<BR>That is about the size of it. Right now, she is in the "Clouds". She thinks it is all wonderful at her new place. She is offically in the FANTASY LAND!!! <P>First, I must say this. PLAN A all the way. Come here to vent. POST POST POST, VENT VENT, VENT! You need to give her a loving enviroment. I know this seems so hard now! That is why we are here to help. <P>Also you amy want to post in General questions. Us oldies dont get in Just found out to often. It brings back alot of pain for us all. <P>I went through this HELL! And it was hell for me as well. Not just my H. My withdrawal was HORRID!!!! The great thing about it was I had God on my side. Just like you do. <P>As far as confronting her. I cant answer that. Post taht on general questions. I was in so much confusion that I finally confessed. I to had left my H for the OM. Then God put it on my heart to come back. Then I of course backslid on withdrawal. so it was hell. Read the threads. They begin in the read only section. But there is one thread that you ahve to read. That is my latest. It is in General Questions as well. The name of it is SUCCESS STORY FOR THE BETRAYED!!<P>My suggestion is PLAN AAAAAAAAAAA! Ask in general questions about confronting her.<BR>I so want you to know this. The person that you are about to see is not going to be the W that you once had. She is going to be like a "Demon". Im sure other betrayers will say the same. She is on a drug right now. And it is very very hard for her to see it that way. She wont see it as a matter of fact. <P>One thing that you have going for you is this. She did tell you taht she was sorry for the way she treated you. She did atleast have some consideration about her. I HDAD NONE!!!! Most of us didnt. So that is a plus. <P>Hang on to God through this! That is all you can do. Your on a roller coaster from hell! Go to the general questions and copy and paste this same post. You will get more response.<P>My prayers are with you. im here if you need me. I know it helped me to get insight from the other side of the fence. <P>Prayer<BR>Renee<BR>Rpstyle@aol.com<BR>

Thanks to all of you for your support. I had little contact with her this weekend as she was working. Although it is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do I was positive towards her and we generally had a good time with our kids. I am getting Dr. Harley's "Surviving an Affair" and I am looking at plan A. I think what I am going to do is to give her another week. This will allow me to think about what I want from this. Then I am going to talk to her about getting counseling again. She must be in a really difficult spot and I thoink we both need to talk to someone. <BR>My basis for getting things going is that we just bought a new house ( don't you love the timing of it all!) and we need to sort out whatever is going on with us before having to spend more time together packing. <BR>I have spent o alot of time reflecting on this over the weekend with GODS help. He has really put a feeling of forgiveness in my heart. But, I think that can only be made easier if she tells me what happened rather than me prying it out of her.<P>I'm really happy I can ramble like this, it really does help in dealing with this tragedy. Thank you all for your advice.

Dear Goober,<P>I may be mis-reading something, but it sounds from your posts that your W is carrying on her affair with your children present in the home - am I wrong about that? Are they waking up to find this man sitting at their kitchen table?<P>I haven't had to deal with that, but if others have, what would you say to W about that? Shouldn't it be addressed? <P>Periwinkle

This last time is the only time I can be sure this happened. We have two kids, 4 and 2 and she sent the 4 year old over to her brothers place once when I was on a business trip. It is pretty convenient when the one who can talk isn't around.<BR>Your point is probably the most difficult part of this whole situation. I will be dealing with this over the weekend as it when I will see her again. I am having a real problem trying to figure out how I can forgive her for this and if I really want to be around someone who is so selfish and uncaring for the ones who love her the most.<P>I think it would be easier if she could admit to what was happening. If she won't admit it I'll have to bring it up and tell her that normal moral standards apply even in fantasy land. She is not the best liar as I can tell very easily. I know that they are together today based on her actions and questions about where I would be today. <P>How do I deal with this? Am I doing the right thing by allowing her to bring it up to me rather than dragging it out of her? Am I assured that this will lead her back into conflict instead of fleeing while in withdrawl?

Goober:<P>You know your wife best (even though she's acting weird right now) and probably know best whether to let her bring it up or to confront.<P>Personally, I am a confronter. I don't know if that would be the best route for you, but I know that my H would probably still be having an affair if had I waited for him to bring it up.<P>Good luck. I know this isn't easy for you. --HBC