Hello, this is my first time here. I found out about 3 1/2 weeks ago that my H was having an affair. I had suspected for a while but he denied it and so did she. They both just claimed to be friends. He has a night job and she is his boss. Anyway, she has been married for 24 years but is having problems. She just left her husband in mid-March and has her own apartment. Her husband even suspected and would call me and tell me things. He called me when she left him and told me where her apartment was and told me I should keep an eye on my H. I drove by a couple of times just to make sure I knew exactly where it was in case I ever needed to know. I just had a baby and was on maternity leave. My H got home from his night job and said he was going to take a vacation day from his regular job. He said he was going to take a golf lesson and probably play 9 holes and then he would take me and the baby out for the afternoon. Well I decided it was time to check. So I went to see if he really was at the golf course, and he wasn't. I decided to go to her apartment. I prayed that if he was having an affair that I would go ahead and find out. I was so tired of suspecting and not knowing for sure. When I first got to her apartment, all I could see was her car. But as I got closer I saw his car on the other side of hers and it just made my sick. My greatest fear was confirmed. I didn't know exactly which apartment was hers, but her H told me it was upstairs. I was so angry and was definitely not acting like myself. I started screaming his name and I said "I know you're in there!" I went and banged on her door and was screaming. I didn't know what I was going to do if the door opened. I still didn't even know if I was at the right apartment, but I didn't care. I decided I would go back to my car and wait because he had to come out at some point. But I wanted to see her because I had never met her. On the way back to my car, he came out to the balcony - I don't even remember what he said to me but I asked him what the ?@#$@#@#$ he was doing there. Then I proceeded back up the steps but he wouldn't let me through. I told him I wanted to see her. He told me to calm down and go back to my car and we would talk. I reluctantly went back. As usual he made up some stupid story. He said he was there to pick up some paperwork (which he did have in his hand and I looked at very closely). He said it was something that was urgent. We had been fighting about his relationship with this woman for months. I asked him why he was at her apartment. He said that he just came by to get the paperwork. I asked him if he knew it was not okay to talk to her on the phone, why did he think it would be okay with me to come by her apartment? He just kept saying that nothing was going on and that he didn't think anything of it. I got out of my car and said I was going to talk to her. He asked what I was going to do with the baby. I said I would take her with me. He said no, that he was going to take her. He couldn't believe that I was going to embarrass him by going to talk to his boss! I went anyway. I couldn't believe it when she opened the door - she looked old and like she spent way too much time in the sun when she was younger. She definitely didn't look like anyone I thought my H would find attractive. I had spoken to her on the phone before and she had always denied anything other than friendship. I asked her what he was doing there. She asked me what he said, and I told her it didn't matter what he said. Then she told me that they had been involved for a while. I don't even know what all we said to each other but I was very calm. She told me she never meant for it to happen, that she wasn't that kind of person. She said he just came along at a time in her life when she was hurting and needed somebody. I asked her what she wanted and she said she honestly didn't know. She told me how sorry she was. I left there feeling numb. My H was in his car with the baby. I don't even remember what all I said to him, but I asked him why he kept lying to me about it and why he didn't just tell me. He still tried to deny it and I told him that his girlfriend just told me they were in fact having an affair! He said for all he knew I was just saying that and trying to set him up into confessing. I told him to go ask her. He said he was going to his golf lesson! I went home. He ended up calling me and I told him I wanted him to come home so we could talk about it. He came home and finally quit denying that it happened. We talked about it a good bit, but I think I was just in shock and I think he was too. All I want to do is save my marriage. I still love him and I want my family to stay together. He still sees her basically every day because she's his boss. He says he loves me and that he made a huge mistake. He felt neglected while I was pregnant and he just basically wasn't happy. But I want to know everything and he doesn't want to talk about it. I told him I know we had problems or this would never have happened. But we have to talk in order to figure out what was wrong so we can correct it and keep it from happening again. I told him he needs to answer my questions because if he doesn't, I'll always wonder and it won't go away. I know I'm not going to like what I hear, but I know I can deal with the facts and eventually get past them. If I always wonder, I won't get past it. How do I get him to talk about it - that's what we argue about now. Also, how do I trust him again? It's hard because he sees her every day. I've talked to her several times and even felt better after talking to her. But then he's told me that she told him some things that I said and they weren't true. She's told me she's sorry and she will not interfere anymore. I think her and her H are back together. But I think she still wants my H and would take him in a heartbeat! My H won't go to counseling with me either. We can't even afford for me to go to counseling anyway. Sorry this was so long, but I can't talk to anybody about it, and I know that's what I need to do. Thanks!

Sorry for the sad events that bring you here, but welcome. You will find a lot of support here and a wealth of great information. Rebuilding after something like this is hard, but it can be done, and is very worthwhile!<P>If you haven't already read the Gnereal Welcome for New Builders, clisck here:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html</A>

Thanks for your response. I know it can work - I'm just not sure he knows. He says he wants to be with me and I believe him. But then there's that part of me that has been betrayed and now I can't help but wonder if he's telling the truth. Like I said, I haven't told anyone because I just can't. But he knows if he didn't stay and try to work things out, everybody would find out. So I can't help but wonder if that's the real reason he's staying. Or maybe just part of the reason - I really do believe he loves me. I know he was emotionally involved because he talked to her all the time and he's told me he cares for her. But we cannot move to another state. Money is so tight that he can't give up the night job. So this Plan A won't work. What do I do?

Why do you think PlanA won;t work...bcs they work togther? Honestly, while that makes withdrwl harder, it has nothing to do with PlanA...you Plan A anyway. My H works with his former "love", but we are lucky in that they do not work closely...it is hard, but others here have done it. <P>Find NSR's notable posts thread, and read his Plan A 101 post...<P>As for why your H is with you, don;t worry about that. Initially, he may be there bcs he can't face having evereyone know, or just for the kids, or whatever appiles in your case... BUT the fact that he is there and trying to work with you gives you time for PlanA to change you and the realtionship. If you both honestly work on meeting each other;s needs, the emotional closeness and love will be regained...<P>Hang in there.<P>

Kam, thank you so much. Here I've been thinking that we can't do Plan A because he can't just quit his night job or get another one. I will look at Plan A again. Also, I made an appt with a counselor today. We really don't have the money but somehow we'll find a way. I'm hoping that by me going, maybe my H will go with me at some point. Thanks so much for your support!

CAC,<P>Im so sorry this has happened in your marriage. I know the hell is is. Im a betrayer so I can relate to your H. <P>He has to have NO CONTACT with her. Is there anyway that he can find a new job? I could not imagine withdrawal with the OP there. Especially with her being his boss. He has probably broke it off with her. A little later the "get even" stage will hit her. And then your H is going to be in trouble. The only good thing is this. If she fires him , he can probably get unemployment. So I suggest putting it in God hands. <P>She very well may not be the type of person to have an affair. I wasnt either. You can read my threads. You may want to start posting in the general questions forum. You will get a better response there. <P>JUST PLAN A!!!!! Your very lucky that he is there. That is the hest way to Plan A. <P>As far as him talking. He will talk later. I promise. Read som eof the threads here. It will take time though. He is in withdrawal and feeling really guilty right now. Dont keep on asking him. Just tell him that you want to know when he is ready to talk. It till take time I was the same way. It took me 3 months to talk.<P>Prayers to you CAC<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!<p>[This message has been edited by inamess (edited April 26, 2000).]

RENEE, THANKS FOR YOUR RESPONSE AND YOUR HONESTY. I TRY NOT TO ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS AT A TIME. HE TOLD ME TO WRITE THEM ALL DOWN, WHICH I HAVE DONE. BUT WHEN HE ORIGINALLY TOLD ME THAT, HE SAID HE WOULD ANSWER THEM BUT THAT WOULD BE THE END OF DISCUSSIONS ABOUT IT. I TOLD HIM THAT WAS NOT RIGHT. WE HAVE REALLY FOUGHT OVER THIS, BUT I HAVE STOOD MY GROUND (FOR A CHANGE) AND EVEN TOLD HIM THAT IF HE'S NOT WILLING TO TALK ABOUT IT HE MAY AS WELL JUST PACK UP, LEAVE AND GO BE WITH HER, AND FILE FOR DIVORCE. IT WOULD HAVE CRUSHED ME IF HE HAD DONE THIS BUT I KNOW IT WON'T WORK IF HE'S NOT WILLING TO TALK. I ALSO KNOW IN MY HEART THAT IT WOULD NEVER WORK BETWEEN HIM AND OW. MY H CARES A LOT ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS, AND SHE JUST AIN'T GOT IT! SHE EVEN TOLD ME ONE TIME THAT THEY WERE FIGHTING ABOUT SOMETHING AND HE ASKED HER IF SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS GOOD ENOUGH. WHEN SHE SAID YES, HE ASKED HER IF SHE WAS SURE! I ASKED HIM ABOUT THIS, AND HE SAID SHE HAD SAID SOMETHING THAT MADE HIM MAD, SO HE SAID JUST TO MAKE HER MAD TOO. BUT I KNOW DEEP DOWN THAT HE REALLY THINKS SHE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM. MY H IS 13 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. SHE IS THE SAME AGE AS HIM BUT LOOKS A WHOLE LOT OLDER. I THINK HE JUST SAW HER AS SOMEONE TO TALK TO THAT WOULD HAVE SEX WITH HIM - NOTHING MORE. WE TALKED A LITTLE LASTNIGHT. HE SAID HER HUSBAND MOVED BACK IN WITH HER DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY. AND THAT SHE MADE A COMMENT THAT WHEN ALL THIS IS "OVER" THAT SHE AND MY H WILL PROBABLY BE FRIENDS. I WAS FURIOUS! I REALLY DON'T THINK MY H UNDERSTANDS THAT THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE, NOT JUST TO SPARE MY FEELINGS BUT BECAUSE THEY SIMPLY CANNOT HANDLE BEING FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY WERE FRIENDS BEFORE AND LOOK WHAT IT LED TO!! NO HE CAN'T GET ANOTHER JOB. HE THROWS NEWSPAPERS SO IT'S NOT LIKE A REGULAR NIGHT JOB - THE HOURS ARE SHORT AND PAY IS GOOD. I AM HOPING (AND PRAYING) THAT SHE WILL GET TRANSFERRED TO ANOTHER AREA OR JUST FIND ANOTHER JOB. I HATE THE FACT THAT SHE'S HIS BOSS BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO TELL HER OFF, BUT MY H DOESN'T WANT ME TO BECAUSE SHE MAY RETALIATE AGAINST HIM. I AM A CHRISTIAN AND I'M TRYING TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT, BUT I THINK IT'S OK TO GIVE HER A PIECE OF MY MIND. LIKE I SAID, WE HAD A GOOD TALK ABOUT A WEEK AGO. SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS GLAD I CALLED & THAT SHE HAD BEEN WONDERING HOW I WAS DOING. WE HAD A PLEASANT CONVERSATION BELIEVE IT OR NOT. BUT THEN SHE TOLD MY H THAT I CALLED HIM A WOMANIZER AND THAT I DIDN'T CARE FOR HIS CHILDREN FROM PREVIOUS MARRIAGE! I DIDN'T SAY EITHER OF THESE THINGS, SO I KNOW SHE'S JUST TRYING TO WIN HIM BACK. I'D LIKE TO CALL OR GO SEE HER FACE TO FACE AND LET HER KNOW THAT I KNOW WHAT SHE DID AND THAT IT DIDN'T WORK AND I'M STILL HERE AND I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE, AND APPARENTLY MY H ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE EITHER, SO SHE NEEDS TO STOP WAITING FOR HIM AND GET ON WITH HER LIFE. I'D ALSO LIKE TO TELL HER THAT EVEN IF MY H LEFT ME FOR HER THAT THEY WOULDN'T WORK OUT BECAUSE SHE ISN'T WHAT HE WANTS IN A WIFE. SHE'S ONLY WHAT HE NEEDED AT THE TIME. THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH REALITY - KIDS, MONEY, MORTGAGES, BILLS, ETC. SHE ALSO STILL HAS 2 KIDS AT HOME AND MY H WOULD NEVER LIVE WITH SOMEONE WITH CHILDREN IN THE HOME. I'M READING ABOUT PLAN A AND I'LL TAKE YOUR ADVICE AND LAY OFF THE QUESTIONS UNTIL HE'S READY TO TALK. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSE. SORRY TO RAMBLE ON SO MUCH. I AM GOING TO POST IN THE GENERAL QUESTIONS TOO. GOOD LUCK TO YOU AS WELL AND GOD BLESS.