TNT,<P>REPEAT AFTER ME:<P><B>ABUSE IS NEVER MY FAULT!</B><P>Please, please, <B>please</B> get someplace safe!<P>I am <B>SO</B> worried about you!<P>~Sheryl

Connie-<P>You keeping your mounth shut HAS NOTHING to do w/ what he is doing to you.<BR>Your H is ABUSING YOU!!! Plain and simple.<BR>I know that you don't want you marriage to end, but you know what, maybe, just maybe, God has something bigger and better for you.<P>You have got to get ahold of yourself and get out of there. You have too. Get dressed, take your son, and LEAVE.<P>God loves you Connie. He wants you to be safe. I am praying for you as I write this. Please, please, do the right thing and leave.<P>Cheryl

Connie, I do understand. I was there once before, a long time ago.<P>But, please listen to the people here who care. You're not thinking clearly. That sort of situation brings that out in all of us.<P>So, let me put another slant on it for you. What will happen to that younger son of yours if something worse happens to you. Who will be there for him? Who will protect him from the things you have been working so diligently to protect him from? <P>You could, and may very well, get seriously hurt or worse. I do understand your wanting to save your marriage. And I do understand that you are almost paralyzed. But you have to think for him, find the strength and motivation you need for him. Because the only chance he has is if you save yourself - physically and emotionally. He's worth more than anything.<P>We love you, Connie. It's time.<P>Lori

connie,<BR>I'm sooo sorry you are going thru all this.<BR>Listen to what the others are telling you, you know they aren't steering you wrong, I know how much you want to keep your marriage together, but.....<BR> By the way, I haven't been posting due to the fact that it is over and done with between me and H, the divorce is final. But God had better things in mind for me and I am very happy and you deserve to be happy also,, I'm not saying divorce him but you need to get away from him at least for awhile.<BR>Been thinking about you alot.... take care of YOURSELF.<BR>Linda<BR><p>[This message has been edited by LA46 (edited December 09, 1999).]

I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now. I went through the same thing over and over and over for years, until this past August when I had to stand up for myself. I called the police. My husband was arrested and charged with assault and went straight to jail. He goes to trial next month. The prosecutor wants to nail him, and most likely will. If you have bruises, please get pictures taken of them RIGHT NOW - believe me you will need them and will be glad you did. Anyway, my point is YOU do NOT have to leave -- he is the abuser and will have to leave -- call the police, they will press charges, and he will be escorted to the county "hotel" where he belongs. It certainly gave my husband a wake up call!!! He hasn't stopped drinking, but he hasn't hit me or seriously yelled at me for almost 5 months. This is a record for him. His abusive behavior was becoming a regular, almost daily thing. Years ago it was infrequent but became more and more frequent over the years - because he got away with it. He thought he had the "right" to hit me and nothing would ever happen to him because I was his wife. <P>I am praying fervently for you and your son tonight and will remember you in my prayers. Please take care of yourself and stand up for yourself, and your son. My husband has messed with my son's head so bad I don't know if I can ever undo the damage his father's abuse of me has done. After my husband was "removed" from our home, my son's disrespectful behavior almost completely diminished. <P>Please know we care so much about you!! And it is NOT, NOT, NOT your fault!

Hi TNT -<P>OK - everyone has told you about the physical and emotional abuse and what you should do.....<P>Your last sentence of your last post here says "help me to shut up."<P>Well, that is what I am going to address!!!<P>WHY are you repeating the same patterns?<P>THEY DON'T WORK!!!!<P>You know exactly what happens when you LB.....why are you not trying a different approach? Do you want this cycle to continue? Is there some unconscience need for the bursts or the drama or whatever? Seriously think about what is holding you back from changing the pattern of this way of life.......<P>Is it that you don't know what other way it can be handled? That's easier for us all to help you with than to see you repeatedly in danger!!!! Let's talk it over and come up with different ways for you!!!! BUT, you are the one who has to implement them.....we can't do it for you!!!!<P>If you want to stay...then you have to adjust your attitude (NO LB's, H is there not with any OW), change your own behavior (no more angry outbursts, talk in a calm and reasonable manner, use POJA about SD's, get emotions under control), change perspective (affair done and in past...yes he needs to be honest and you have to show him that it is safe to do so!! That is not happening!!! Look how you reacted to the half truth he DID tell you!! Would it make him feel safe to be honest about anything further?)......<P>SD's are a major problem....but right now all you can do is let him handle EVERYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH THEM!! If he will override any input you may have than you also need not do anything for them either!!!! Let him do for them!!<P>Just for now....while you work on you and your marriage!!! As long as you have communication with your son that the SD's behavior is not good, then you have input in how they effect him!!<P>Once you and H get on the same station platform (let alone the same track!!) then you should both be able to co-parent these girls.....Don't forget that your behavior is not very stable for them either!!!! YOU have to maintain yourself!!! <P>So, what do you think? You want to figure out new approaches?<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Hi TNT,<P>At what point are you going to think you are better than this type of abuse? What will happen when you are dead? Do you want your son to think that this type of behavior is OK? Who would raise your son with values if you are gone?<P>If you are worried that your H would gain custody of you son if you two break up he will not!!!!!!!!!!! If you document the abuse there is a law that is out now that states that the person abusing their spouse CAN NOT gain custody of the child. Let me repeate Your abusing H CAN NOT GAIN CUSTODY OF YOUR SON!!!!!!!!!!!! But you have to document this. I would also kick him out of the house. Slap a restraining order on him and his children. If he can not control himself than He needs to leave. <P>I am talking from experiance. I have love busted big time with Tony I mean big time. The one and only time he hit me was it. I knew I had to either get out or he had to change. I will not deal with that crap. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO HIT OR ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>I told Tony that was it. I am to valuable a person. He has changed. I still am not giving him that much room to move he really has to prove himself or I will kick his butt to the curb. The last time I saw his family I informed them that if he does not change I will kick him out and I will not be nice about it. He has problems and I told them his problems are NOT my problems. His Mom tried to see if I would do stuff for him and I said no. Tony has to grow up and be a man not some jerk from hell because things to do not go his way.<P>This goes for your H. He needs to go to anger management and some serious intensive therapy. Might I suggest you kick him out and not let him back in untill he does this. Second He needs to pay financially for you and your son. TNT HE HAS MAJOR PROBLEMS AND THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are not the one that has to change...HE DOES. Now for your son's sake take action....before we wonder what ever happened to you. I hate having to worry if you are going to end up in the Hostpital or dead. Please for the love of God understand you are a wonderful person and this in not love that he is giving you this is abuse pure and simple!

hello tnt,<BR>you have mail. I have been staying away but a little birdie told me what was up. <BR>Tnt, you know you must think clearly, you must step back and look at this-just try? In the current state it is not going to stop. You know that in your heart. You are a beautiful wonderful woman with so very much to offer the world!<BR>No one wants to see you hurt or suffering. Please be careful and keep quiet until you have a plan in place. Sharing your feelings is not going to work at this point-he does not understand and he lashes out at you. Until he wants help, there is little you can do. You can try to keep things calm, but there are no guarantees that quiet will work either. Please be prepared. You have my addy and phone numbers if you need them.

TNT,<P>WHERE ARE YOU?<P>We're worried!

TNT,<P>I feel for you so badly...<P>You've been given some excellent advice here...<BR>Even if you don't leave... think/plan ahead...<P>Get some legal advice...<BR><B>Not for a divorce</B> necessarily...<BR>But for protection... yours!<P>If you don't know where to start (even if you do) I've found very good unbiased information by using the information below. <P>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself physically, legally and/or financially... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in custody/separation/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<P>Again... it doesn't just have to be about "divorce"... ask about your rights to proctection, restraining orders, custody... specific to your state laws.<P>We are really praying first and foremost for your safety...<P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited December 10, 1999).]

TNT - Agree with others that this is really an intolerable situation for you. I feel really bad for you, especially about the physical abuse you've taken from your H. If I were you, I'd call the cops instead of the pastor, I think. Yes, get the abuse documented and consider taking your H to court about it. And if you're really angry enough, consider turning your SD in for her drug abuse. (Don't threaten that you're going to do this, just do it.) <P>I think you have every right to be angry, because yours is a righteous anger and so a very positive emotion. All you need to do is to learn to OWN your anger and express it in ways that actually change your situation for the better. What you were doing was raging, which is simply exploding and expressing your anger through an emotional eruption. Better might be a colder anger, in which you hold communication with your H and his D to an absolute mininum, ala Plan B, since trying to discuss things with them in a rational way clearly doesn't work. (I wouldn't worry about "lovebusters," BTW. Sounds like your situation is way past that.) And you really should consider taking your H to court for his physical abusiveness towards you, and turning your SD into the cops. They've shown they have no care or respect for you, why should you show any towards them? Regards, blessings and many, many hugs,<P>--Wex

TNT,<BR>Hi, I havent posted here in a long time, H and I were getting on a little better and then it all belly up. We are back now but we almost ended up on the "violent side of town". I know where you are......believe me I know! I spent 11 years in an abusive marriage and lived to tell about it. People do not understand who aren't in it. This is the person you love most and want to spend your life with.....but TNT....you can say and think and feel anything you want. Circumstances make people crazy.....I think. I almost got violent with H about a month ago. We were coming back from a shopping trip...(for remodeling stuff) and he was doing his cold isolating game. Why, God only knows. I asked why he was so quiet....he said, "I'm ignorring you".....Lord!, I slammed on the brakes in the middle of the in 4 lanes of traffic. His building materials slammed into the back of his head! He said, "Let me out of this vehicle." <BR>I said, "I'll let us both out at the next bridge so just sit tight!" I was so angry that all I wanted to do was KILL him! I made it to the exit and pulled off the highway. I got out and began walking the ten miles home. It was a very good walk. I am tired of myself and all my whinning. If he doesn't want to love me and be my best friend.....well, not much I can do about it. I love him and I don't want to end what was once a great love, but its a wise man who knows his limits. Take care of you first, and the relationship will take whatever course it takes. I think.....are you tired of thinking? I get so tired of thinking. I even stopped coming here because it all seems so hopeless at times. H is here now, seemingly body and soul......but I've been fooled before. You need to protect yourself, and take care of your own heart first. God bless and look out for you. <BR><P>------------------<BR>alleyoop<P>

Your post is titled, "I am better..." and you said that you are coping quite well. Please don't ever cope well with physical violence. That's not coping; it's ignoring danger signs. My H bruised my wrist 18 years ago and hasn't hurt me since. Don't think that's acceptable. Not everyone lives like that. <P>I just don't think Marriage Builders is to keep marriages that are dangerous.

tnt, are you around? am i missing the rrest of the story?<BR><P>------------------<BR> <A HREF="http://www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#" TARGET=_blank>www.alladvantage.com<BR>ID#</A> atp-113<P>

trustntruth<P>I was married once before, (13 years ago), to a man who was absolutely savage. I know all the things that you think about. I know why you've stayed. I know why it's so hard to leave. I was addicted to him and to the abuse: does that make sense? Does it sound familiar? <P>Then one day I just looked around and said, if there was a fire, and I could only take one thing with me, what's the one thing I would take with me? And I picked up that one thing (my infant son) and I left. It was the hardest thing I ever did. My life wasn't perfect afterward but it got better and never felt that hopelss again. I went through withdrawal, like you do with any bad addiction, but then I got past it, and I've never looked back. <P>I'm worried for you! Please post and let me know that you're okay!<P>Love, Barrie

Connie,<P>Hey girl where are you?????????? I am worried about whether you are okay or not...physically I mean. Please post so we know you are here?<P>Think of you and praying too!<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<P>

Hi TNT, can you please check in? Sending energy and prayers your way to help you cope, to help you be strong. Find a path, he will help you if you ask. <BR>I am home again if you need help.<BR>Love, cl

Connie- I've tried several times to e-mail you and mails been returned. Didn't see this one till tonight though I've been searching for you, I am truly concerned-Look, there is NO REASONABLE REASON for physical abuse-NONE WHATSOEVER. No matter what you say or do the only reason a man should harm you is if he is in danger of being hurt or you attempting to kill him, this I am positive you haven't done!<BR>Connie-you are a sensible gentle being and need to start thinking better things about yourself. Get out now, before things go even farther. You both need to cool down and then seek counselling. I am not saying to bust up your marriage, I am saying get out until you can cool down enough and things are less tense and you both can work on things with less tension.<BR>You also must think about your son. If things continue on the way they have been going then you both may be in danger, physical danger, you care about your son, don't make him grow up without a mother, take care of yourself. <P>AGAIN, THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR A MAN TO USE PHYSICAL FORCE AGAINST A WOMAN, YOUR YELLING AT HIM DIDN'T DO IT, HE CAN CONTROL HIMSELF BETTER!<BR>God Bless you Connie, we care and we are still praying!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

<B>GOD, WHERE IS SHE?</B><P>Lord, help Connie, no matter where she is...keep her safe... let her know she is loved... Amen.<P>Does anyone actually know Connie, in a way that can really help here? Seriously... this is scary! <P>~Sheryl

Responding to this call, I decided to post to MB. I am TNT's sister. I talked with her by phone yesterday and she was ok. I had more to say on the bible study board that someone else created from MB. Everyone is welcome there. Go to Bible Study @ <A HREF="http://www.ezboard.com" TARGET=_blank>www.ezboard.com</A> <A HREF="http://server3.ezboard.com/bbiblestudy" TARGET=_blank>http://server3.ezboard.com/bbiblestudy</A>